by Goda, Julia
“No,” I interrupted him again, my voice filled with rage and pain at the same time, “Don’t you dare call me that! You just lost every right to ever call me that again!” My bottom lip was quivering and I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold it together for much longer. I tried to walk around Cole to get to the exit, but he grabbed my arm and pulled me back to him.
“Shit, Liz. I never meant to hurt you. I—” he was pleading with me, but I couldn’t deal with that right now. I was too hurt to even look at him. With a hard twist, I wrenched my arm out of his hold, turned around, and bolted. I made it to my car before Cole could catch up to me. When I heard him come to a stop right behind me, I whirled on him and let fly. All the pain and hurt and disappointment he had inflicted in the last ten minutes curled up in my stomach and turned in to an anger so hot I could feel my eyes alight with it.
“Leave me alone, Cole! I don’t want to hear it! You can take your remorse and shove it up your ass for all I care! You think you can treat me like you just did, talk to me like you just did, then give me a bullshit apology and expect me to forgive you? Not gonna happen! You were the one person in my life that knew everything about me, everything that happened, and has never judged me for it! I won’t let anyone ever treat me like trash again! And that includes you! You know damn well how hard I’ve worked to leave that life behind, Cole! So go to hell!” Without giving him a chance to respond, I got into my car, cranked it up, and shot out of the parking lot and headed home.
By the time I got to my apartment, I had three missed calls and two messages, all from Cole. I turned my phone off and collapsed onto my bed, too emotionally drained to even get undressed before I climbed under my blanket. I didn’t cry, but instead stared blindly at the wall in the dark, trying to push down my pain, to not feel anything.
But for the first time in my life, I was unsuccessful.
So I let the tears fall while big sobs shook my body. I don’t know for how long I cried. What I did know was that, for the first time in fifteen years, I cried myself to sleep.
Cole
In the breezeway outside of Lizzy’s apartment, I could hear her heart-wrenching sobs. On my way over here, I had thought of nothing but finding a way to make her hear me out, of letting me apologize. She must know that I hadn't meant what I said, that I could never consider her trash. I had just been so frustrated and angry that I could never make her mine when that’s all I wanted. But of course, she wouldn’t know what that felt like.
Hearing her crying was breaking my heart. I had seen her cry silently often throughout our childhood and during our teen years, but that sobbing… God! It was killing me! Lizzy was the strongest woman I knew. She didn’t let anyone beat her down, although lots of people have tried. I had made it my job to take care of her, to console her when things at home were bad, to build her back up when she was down, to protect her from the assholes in our town. She had always let me, had expected me to be there for her.
But tonight was different. She had needed to get away from me, hadn’t wanted to talk to me. For the first time in our lives, she had pushed me away. And that left a gaping hole inside me that was tearing me apart. I couldn’t lose her. Not ever.
She was my everything.
And I would show her exactly that.
I didn’t know for how long I sat leaning my back against her door, my head in my hands, the fear of losing her so strong I was shaking. I couldn’t lose her. I just couldn’t. And if nothing else, tonight proved that I wouldn’t be able to watch her fall for another guy. Just seeing her talking and flirting with another guy, a guy who had made her laugh, drove me absolutely insane with jealousy. I couldn’t stand it. What would I do when she eventually found someone she was actually going to date long-term, move in with, marry, have babies with? No. Absolutely not! That was not going to happen! Ever!
Yeah, I was a selfish bastard but that laugh was mine, those bright green eyes were mine.
She was mine.
The crying had stopped. She must have fallen asleep. I shouldn’t wake her. I would give her the space she needed from me tonight.
But tomorrow, things would change.
Tomorrow, I would show her exactly how I felt about her.
Chapter 4
Lizzy
Fourteen Years ago.
Lizzy is eleven. Cole is thirteen.
Cole is taking me to get ice cream. I love ice cream. It’s one of my most favorite things in the world. Getting ice cream with Cole makes it my most, most favorite thing in the world.
Cole is my best friend. We do pretty much everything together. Every day, as soon as I come home from school, I dump all my stuff in my room and go to our special place as fast as I can. Then I wait for him. Sometimes I don’t have to wait long, sometimes I have to wait longer, and sometimes he doesn’t come at all. But I’m never mad at him for not showing up. He explained to me that sometimes his mother won’t let him go outside and keeps him with her inside all day. First I thought his mother must really love him if she wanted him around so much, but he told me that wasn’t it. I didn’t know what it was, he didn’t share that with me. And I didn’t ask. He will tell me if he wants me to know. And then I will be there for him like he is always there for me when my mom makes me cry or when I can’t stand the fighting anymore and need to get out of the house.
I will always be there for him, because I love him.
Today, I don’t have to wait for him at all. He is already lying down in front of my cave, looking up at the sky, when I get there, waiting for me, smiling up at me when he sees me standing above him. I love it when he smiles at me. It gives me butterflies. He takes my hand and leads me out of the woods to the ice cream shop in town and I love that, too. Him holding my hand. It feels nice and I smile the whole way there.
I know exactly what I want: an ice cream sundae with chocolate sauce and whipped cream and sprinkles on top. When I give the lady at the counter my order, Cole grins and says, “That’s my sweet Lizzy.”
That gives me butterflies, too.
I like it when he calls me his.
Cole orders his banana split and we sit down outside at one of the tables with the umbrellas and devour our treats in silence. I don’t mind it when we don’t talk. It isn’t awkward or anything. We understand each other perfectly fine even when we don’t say anything. We are both comfortable that way.
It’s not long before some of the kids in Cole’s class see us. I don’t like them. They are mean to me when Cole isn’t with me. When I see them coming towards us, I look down at the table and my body stiffens a little bit. “You okay?” Cole asks me and I nod without looking at him. He knows me too well, though. I can never lie to him without him knowing.
“Lizzy, what’s wrong?” I’m about to tell him how those kids had called me names on my way home from school the other day when they reach our table. I can tell by the look on their faces that they are up to something, and the feeling of dread makes me lose my appetite.
“Hey, Cole! Why you keep hanging out with that little girl?” One of the boys asks snidely.
“Back off, dude. She’s my friend.” Cole isn’t happy to see them either. I can tell.
“Your friend, huh? How can you be friends with that piece of white trash? Your mother would go apeshit if she knew.” He is laughing now and it sounds ugly and mean.
“I told you to back off, Marc. And don’t call her trash or I’ll kick your ass!” Cole has gotten up from his seat and is nose-to-nose with that Marc guy. I don’t think I have ever seen him this angry with anyone. They are having a staring contest and Marc loses. He gives me one last disgusted look before he turns away and goes inside the shop to get his ice cream. His friends follow.
Cole sits back down and looks at the table, but doesn’t finish his ice cream.
I feel bad, so I try to apologize. “I’m sorry, Cole.”
He whips his head around and looks at me. “Don’t you dare be sorry, Lizzy. You have nothing to apologize for. Those guys ar
e assholes. Don’t listen to what they’re saying.”
I nod at him, but again he knows I don’t mean it. “I’m serious, Lizzy. Don’t listen to them. You are not trash and don’t you ever let anyone tell you otherwise. You’re my Lizzy and you’re perfect the way you are.”
Okay, that makes me feel better. I give him a genuine smile and he smiles back at me, then we finish off our ice cream before he has to take me home. His family is going to a dinner party tonight and he has to be home on time to get ready. He doesn’t want to go. He hates those dinner parties. I know. He told me. I don’t know exactly what a dinner party is—at my house we hardly even have dinner—but I hate them for him.
Chapter 5
Lizzy
I woke up the next morning feeling miserable. Must be all that crying and tossing and turning. Oh yeah, and the fact that the most important person in my life had ripped my heart out last night.
Opening my eyes was hard. They felt swollen and crusty. It was too bright in my room and the light streaming in through my window made me flinch in pain. My head was throbbing. I needed some painkillers.
I rolled out of bed and made my way to the bathroom. When I got a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. My eyes were red and puffy and the black rings underneath them combined with my pale face made me look like one of those emo people. The left-over makeup from last night looked horrendous and my hair was a complete disaster. I needed a shower. Stat. Get your shit together, Lizzy. I couldn’t go into work looking like this. In my job I needed to be strong for the kids, not walk around looking like a zombie all day. So shower first, then coffee.
After my shower, I still felt like shit, but at least I looked marginally better. I decided to blow out my hair today and put makeup on. Maybe looking good would boost my self-esteem and put me in a better mood. A girl could hope. I purposely avoided thinking about last night, thinking about Cole. I couldn’t deal with that right now. Not yet. I wasn’t sure when I could face my feelings of disappointment and hurt, but I knew that time wasn’t now.
I was out of coffee, so a trip to the coffee shop was in order. On my way out the door, I grabbed my cell phone to throw it in my purse and saw that the alerts from last night were still active on my screen. I didn’t want to listen to his messages or read his texts. There weren’t any new ones, so I swiped my finger on the screen to at least clean up my home screen. While I was taking care of that, the phone chirped in my hand with a new text message. It was from Cole. I hit ‘ignore’ as soon as I saw his name, and threw my phone in my purse. Don’t go there. Just go and get some coffee, then go to work.
That’s what I did.
Standing in line at the coffee shop, I decided to get everyone else at the shelter a coffee as well. It would be another busy day today and I appreciated all their help and hard work, so I wanted to bring in a little thank you.
“Morning, Lizzy. Looking good today,” Grant, the barista, smiled at me.
“Why, thank you, Grant,” I said playfully and smiled back at him. Good confidence booster. After taking my order and writing my name on the cups, he made me giggle by giving me a wink before I moved to the end of the counter to wait for my coffees with a small smile on my face.
When I made it to the shelter, I saw Jesse and Chloe hanging out at the front of the building, waiting for someone to unlock the door. Looked like I was early today and was the first one here apart from the night supervisor. I called over to them and waved them towards me. When they got closer, I could tell that living on the streets was taking a toll on them. Their clothes were dirty, almost filthy, and the rings under their eyes looked worse than mine had that morning. They had also lost weight, judging by the way their clothes were hanging off of them. I needed to get through to them and soon before something worse happened to either of them.
“Have you guys eaten?” I asked when they reached me at my car. I knew they hadn’t. The last food they had was probably the snack I gave them yesterday afternoon. Both of them shook their heads.
“Neither have I and I’m starving. Wanna join me for some pancakes and eggs at the diner down the street?” I was lying. I wasn’t hungry, but I needed to get some decent food into these guys, and taking them out for breakfast might give me a chance to talk to them on neutral ground, away from the other kids. Yes, this could be considered bribery, but I didn’t care. Bribing kids with food that they loved but couldn’t afford usually went a long way.
Chloe’s eyes got big at the mention of pancakes and she looked pleadingly at Jesse, who gave her a small nod in return. “Yeah, that would be great, Lizzy. Thanks.” I could tell it was hard for him to accept help from someone, but Chloe needed food and that was his priority. I stored that very useful information away to think about and use later.
“All right! Just let me drop these coffees off at the office and we’ll walk down there together.” I unlocked the front door and told the night supervisor, Jimmy, I would be back in an hour after I handed him his Americano. He grunted his thanks at me and went back to reading his magazine. Gotta love Jimmy. Always such a ray of sunshine, but I had a soft spot for him, and I knew he liked me to.
At the diner, we found a corner booth and I told them to order whatever they wanted. For myself, I ordered some eggs and toast. The thought of actually eating made my stomach roll, but I knew I needed food to get me through the day without getting a major headache later. They both ordered, but not enough in my eyes, so I changed my order and added some waffles that I then wouldn’t eat and offer to them.
While we waited, I contemplated how I could get to the point without scaring them away. Chloe seemed like a sweet girl, so talking to her was easier than trying my luck with Jesse. But I also knew that I needed to gain Jesse’s trust if I wanted to get anywhere, and that was not going to be easy. He was hard and serious and didn’t trust anyone other than Chloe. He was also her protector, which meant if I took advantage of her sweetness, he might read it as me playing her and never trust me. So I had to tread carefully.
“You okay, Lizzy?” Jesse, to my surprise, interrupted my thoughts. I was surprised because he sounded worried about me. Maybe I was already further in with him than I thought and he did trust me a little bit.
I smiled at him and said, “Yeah, Jesse, I’m fine. Why do you ask?”
“Your eyes look sadder today than usual.” Damn, he was perceptive. And not afraid to call me out on it. Which told me that, yes, he was worried about me, which meant he cared about me. It also told me that he thought my eyes always looked sad, but today they were sadder. Not a lot of people could read me like that and it shocked me a little that Jesse could. I looked deeper into his eyes and there it was. He was a broken soul. Just like me. And he had read me way before I had realized it. Yeah, he was perceptive. Which meant he would know if I lied to him or stretched the truth a little. That wouldn’t do me any good, so I decided to be honest with him. Only honesty would get me through to him. It would show him that I respected him.
“You’re right. I am sad today. A very important person in my life hurt my feelings last night and I’m not over it.”
“He apologize?” Smart guy.
“Yes, he did. But it still hurts.”
“You gonna forgive him?”
I hesitated. Was I going to forgive him? I wasn’t sure. “I don’t know.” Jesse nodded at me, eyes searching my face as I took a sip of my coffee.
“How are you guys getting on?” Now that I had shared, I wanted to see if he would reciprocate.
He was silent for a little while, still searching my face, then he sighed and relaxed into his seat. I saw that as a good sign and was rewarded when he answered me.
“It’s hard, living on the streets. I’m worried about Chloe getting hurt, but we don’t have another choice.” A lot of children ran away from home because of some stupid fight with their parents, thinking anywhere would be better than home, but I could tell by the hardness in Jesse’s eyes and face that for them,
there really wasn’t another choice. This was bad. I ran my eyes over Chloe, reading her posture, her face, the guilt and apprehensiveness in her eyes. She wouldn’t make eye contact with me and kept her gaze on the table.
“Chloe,” I called her name softly. Jesse squeezed her shoulder, telling her it was okay, so she lifted her eyes to mine. I don’t know why I hadn’t seen it before; she must have been hiding it too well. Maybe something happened that she couldn’t hide it now or maybe it was getting too hard and she was breaking, but the stark pain she let me see now broke my heart.
“Honey,” I whispered as I lifted my hand to her cheek and started stroking it with my thumb. That was new for me. I had never called any of my kids that, but there was something about her that made me want to snatch her up and take her home and just give her the love she so desperately needed. She was broken. Just like Jesse. Just like me. Tears pooled in her eyes and her lower lip started quivering. I closed my eyes and swallowed hard, trying to control my own emotions. When I opened them again, I could feel Jesse watching me intently. He made no move to interrupt Chloe’s and my moment, though, which gave me hope.
“Please let me help you,” I kept whispering. I saw Jesse’s body stiffen, but powered through. “I’m not gonna make you go back home. I can tell there is a reason why you prefer to live on the streets. Believe me. I know how hard life can be. But I can help you. Please let me. I swear you can trust me.” Chloe was crying silently now and Jesse pulled her into his side, comforting her. I looked at Jesse. His eyes were still searching, reading me, and I could see the exact moment when he made up his mind. Determination and resolve evident in his manner, he leaned toward me over the table and demanded, “Promise you won’t send us back. I will kill him if he ever lays a hand on either one of us again.”