Mum raised an eyebrow. ‘Sounds exciting. So what are you going to do?’
‘A makeover! Starting with my bedroom.’
Chapter Twenty-eight
‘When you looked at the photo of Howard, Jo,’ said Tash as she helped me take the posters down from my wall, ‘did you see anything in the eyes? Anything that you feel would help you recognise him now?’
I shook my head. ‘Not really He looked intelligent and kind but it might be hard to recognise him now with a different face.’
‘He might recognise you,’ said Tash. ‘Ever considered that?’
‘That could make things easier,’ I said.
‘Your heart will recognise him and tell you who is right for you,’ Tash continued. ‘I don’t think you need to worry too much. Love will find you.’
‘I think it’s Finn,’ said Effy.
‘Maybe. But he’s such a flirt with everyone.’
‘It could be because he was an unmarried Victorian gent in his last life,’ said Effy. ‘He’s making up for it this time around.’
‘I think it’s Ben,’ said Tash. ‘From what you’ve told us about him, it sounds like he’s got more depth than Finn.’
‘And Owen is still there in the background, Jo,’ added Effy. ‘Don’t rule him out. Feelings change and you know he’d always be there for you in a flash if you ever needed him.’
‘I do,’ I said. ‘But it’s not clear about any of them.’ I knew that was a lie though. I felt that it had to be Finn. He was the one who occupied my thoughts and made my stomach flip but I didn’t want to let on just how much I really liked him in case I ended up looking like a fool. ‘Boys do my head in. A few weeks ago, I thought there were maybe three contenders for Howard and now, maybe none. Finn hasn’t emailed me since the day after my party so for all I know, he’s got off with some new girl he’s met. And even if I did like Ben, I reckon I’ve blown it with him because he knows I’m so into his mate, and Owen, well it’s on a different level with him. He’s a mate but. . . maybe it was bad timing with us and I met the right guy at the wrong time.’
‘You should tell each of them the whole story and see how they react,’ said Effy ‘Though Owen already knows most of it.’
‘I already know that Ben thinks that clairvoyants and past life stuff is tosh,’ I said. ‘And Finn would try and see how he could make it work for him. Like when I was going to see the clairvoyants for the magazine, he asked me to see if they said anything about him.’
Effy laughed. ‘He’s such a smoothie,’ she said.
‘But surely the right one will listen and understand and your story will resonate with him,’ said Tash.
‘Yeah,’ said Effy. ‘Tash is right. Maybe they’ve been experiencing synchronicity or recurring dreams of their own.’
‘Yeah,’ Tash agreed. ‘Both Finn and Ben were there on the Heath that day Betty told you about Howard, and even weirder, so was Mrs Rayner. That was a coincidence too.’
‘But you have to choose which boy in the end,’ said Effy.
Betty’s words came back to me. She had said exactly that: You must choose.
‘But how do I decide?’
‘Spend time with them,’ said Tash.
‘No. It’s easier than that,’ said Effy. ‘Remember what you said about Owen. About how kissing him felt bland. No spark. What you need to do is snog them. You’ll know then.’
I laughed. ‘Effy, surely it can’t be that straightforward? Not that black or white? And anyhow, what am I going to say? I need to kiss you to see if you’re my soulmate from a past life? No. The moment has to be right. The feelings have to be there and as you just said, feelings change. I’m going to see what happens, and if it’s meant to be, then it will be.’
Effy pouted. ‘Oh, suit yourself then. Do it your way. Life is what you make it.’
‘Excuse me, madam. What happened to fate, destiny, synchronicity? No. I’m going to trust that whatever’s unfolded so far hasn’t finished the job yet. No. It’s not over by a long way’
‘Kiss them. Like the fairy tale, the frog will become the prince,’ said Tash. ‘The right boy will reveal himself to be Howard.’
I had to laugh. It was so simple to Tash. ‘Listen, guys, we don’t know if Henrietta even got to kiss Howard. What if she did and discovered there was no real spark there? Or she kissed him and they’d both lived and got bored with each other? You know how kisses can change. In the beginning, when you first like a boy, there’s such a build-up of feelings that it’s always good to start with. Then you get to know each other, find out if you get on. It can change. I don’t think kissing Finn or Ben is the answer.’
‘Coward,’ said Effy. ‘At the very least, it might eliminate one of them.’
‘I think I should kiss a lot of boys. I mean, I’m seventeen. I haven’t exactly had a lot of experience. Maybe I need some comparisons so that when I do kiss The One, I’ll know it.’
‘No, no,’ said Tash. ‘If either boy is Howard then it will be fireworks when you kiss him. I mean, you haven’t waited weeks to get together. You’ve waited over a century! It will be magic’
‘You are such a romantic, Tash,’ I said.
‘I notice that you don’t talk so much about Owen as a contender,’ said Effy.
‘I’m sorry, Effy, but much as I like him, love him even, I don’t think I love love him,’ I said. It was hard to say to Effy because of course, she wanted her brother to be happy, but my gut feeling was that if Howard was Owen, I’d be disappointed. I was more with Tash and the idea that if I did find Howard, it would feel amazing. ‘Even though I know I want someone special who feels the same way about me, I also know I can’t force it. I can’t make someone love me and I’m not going to make myself believe that I have to love someone just because I might have known them in a different life. Finn might be Howard. Ben might be Howard. Another boy might be Howard, and in this life maybe he’s moved on, evolved, grown, and I might not be part of his joUmey this time. I have to accept that too.’ I remembered what Mum had said about me after I’d told her the story. ‘And I’m not Henrietta any more. I am Jo Harris with memories from this life as well as any past ones.’
‘Except Betty said Howard is your soulmate and that you must find him,’ said Tash. ‘I don’t think that will change. Sounds to me like whatever happens, you still have unfinished business with each other.’
I couldn’t argue with that.
The next day, I went back to Fiona for my usual Monday appointment to see if anything more would come to light in another session, maybe some more interaction between Howard and Henrietta. Nothing did. I went into a light trance and felt relaxed but there was no regression of any kind.
‘As I said to you in the beginning, Jo,’ Fiona explained, ‘the unconscious tends to throw up what is appropriate. In our previous sessions, I’ve no doubt that you went back to the moment of trauma, the loss that has caused your trouble sleeping. Now that has been isolated and confronted, there is no need to go back.’
It was true. Since the last session with Fiona and my big cry with Mum, I’d been sleeping like a baby and my recurring dream seemed to have disappeared. I felt disappointed that I wasn’t able to go back to any further scenes with Howard though I told myself that was all the more reason I should find him in the present day.
In the meantime, I felt like I’d bonded with Mum again and we’d had a fun time looking at paint samples and soft fUmishings, and soon after had begun work on my room. The girls helped me paint it a pale ivory on three walls and a pale powder blue on the other. Mum bought me a set of silver-grey curtains and once they were up, the whole room looked transformed, fresh and light.
‘What about some pictures for the wall?’ asked Mum.
‘Not sure yet,’ I said. ‘I’m still looking.’
At the weekend, I took my birthday money and went shopping. I bought a pretty summer dress, knee length with tiny flowers in cornflower blue and coral, and a pair of strappy sandals to match. To co
mplete the look, I booked into the hairdresser and had my hair cut to shoulder length with soft layers around the front. It felt like one of Effy’s rituals, symbolising the end of the old Jo and the beginning of the new me.
‘Wow,’ chorused Effy and Tash when they came to meet me at my house after the hairdresser’s.
‘You look amazing,’ said Tash.
I did a twirl. I felt amazing too as if a dark cloud that I’d been carrying around with me for years had gone. Whether it was finally opening up to my mum about Dad or whether it was because I was learning to let go of Henrietta and her past, I didn’t know. The only thing that was still bugging me was my part of the article I had to write for Chillaxin. Effy had done her side of it explaining about the theory of reincarnation and including some stories from the books about past life experiences. I was supposed to take the opposite angle so that both points of view would be represented. However, I didn’t feel that I could honestly write that it was all nonsense any more.
When Effy and Tash had gone, I made myself go upstairs, sat at my computer and stared at the blank page. I read and reread my notes from the visits to the different clairvoyants. In the end, I called Effy to complain that I didn’t know what to say.
‘Tell the truth,’ she said. ‘Whatever, just make a start. You can always change it later.’
I put down the phone and wrote up descriptions of the people we’d visited, what they looked like and what their homes felt like. I didn’t put in the whole truth, more half the truth, omitting the parts about me, Henrietta and Howard.
When I’d finished, I emailed it through to Finn. An email came a short time later.
Hey Mary Poppins.
I thought you were taking the opposing view. What’s changed? Let’s meet tomorrow am to talk it through and where we want to go with this.
Finn
I read it a few times. Where we want to go with this? I was sure he meant us, not just the article, and a shiver of excitement went through me.
Chapter Twenty-nine
I blow-dried my hair until it shone, put a little eye make-up on, not too much as I didn’t want him to think I’d tried too hard. A slick of lipgloss, a squirt of my Jicky perfume and I was ready It was a lovely day so I decided to wear my new dress and a little red cardigan to go with it.
Finn was already there when I got to Costa and he glanced up at me when I went in, then did a double take as he didn’t recognise me at first.
‘Wow,’ he said as I joined him at his table. ‘You look different.’
‘New century, new me,’ I said.
‘New century?’
‘Er . . . I mean new, Um . . . new look.’
He looked me up and down. ‘Nice. I mean, I liked the old you. I liked that Victorian style, it kind of suited you.’
Well you would, I thought, seeing as you were Howard and in love with Henrietta.
We got some drinks, hot chocolate for me and mint tea for Finn. He doesn’t do caffeine or sugar apparently, all part of his fitness regime to keep looking good for the stage.
‘So what did really you think of the article?’ I asked as we settled back down.
‘Like you were holding back. What you wrote was interesting, you’ve stated the facts, but I’d have liked a bit more of your personal reaction to it. What you were feeling and thinking.’ He reached over and took my hand and I felt my insides lurch. ‘Or are you scared to reveal the real you?’
‘I . . .’ He was looking directly into my eyes. I couldn’t think straight. It didn’t matter because he leant over and kissed me. Not a long kiss. More a brush of our lips, like a promise of things to come. I felt a rush from my toes to the top of my head. If that’s just an almost kiss, I can’t wait to see what a proper kiss will feel like, I thought.
We talked through some changes, though by then, I couldn’t have cared less about the article. I was just happy being with Finn and knowing that we were on the brink of getting together. Finn looked at his watch. ‘I have to go,’ he said. ‘Band practice. Have you time to walk with me to the bus stop?’
‘Oh sure,’ I said, and from the way he was looking at me and particularly at my mouth, I knew he meant so that we could be alone to continue our kiss.
We gathered our things, went outside and headed for the bus stop. Finn took my hand as we walked along and I felt light-headed from his touch. Once we reached the stop, he glanced down the road. I prayed that his bus didn’t arrive on time. Luckily, there was no sign of it.
He moved closer to me, put his arm around me and pulled me to him. ‘So, Jo Harris,’ he said with a suggestive smile.
I blushed. ‘So, Finn O’Brady.’ I couldn’t believe it was happening. Finn O’Brady right there with his arms around me. He moved in to kiss me and at last our lips met and a soft kiss became deeper and more intense.
What am I feeling? What am I feeling? I asked myself as Finn pushed his tongue into my mouth.
I feel like I’m kissing a slug! Urgh, this wasn’t exactly the fireworks I was expecting and I wasn’t sure I liked the way he smelt close up. It wasn’t bad or unclean, more like caramel which was somehow too sweet. Our kiss continued and Finn crashed his mouth against mine, his lips open, full and wet . . . it didn’t feel nice at all. Too sloppy and full on. And ergh, his tongue was sloshing around. I pulled back and had to resist the urge to wipe my chin with the back of my sleeve. Finn looked down at me with a pleased expression on his face. His bus arrived seconds later and as he got on board he turned back, pointed a finger and winked at me. ‘Catch you later, Harris,’ he said, then turned away to pay his fare.
Oh my God! Finn O’Brady is a knob, I thought as his bus pulled away. How come I haven’t seen it before? And a wet, sloppy kisser. Effy and Tash had been so right. A kiss would be the test. Although Tash says that sometimes you have to teach a boy to kiss properly or they never learn. But Finn must have kissed loads of girls, I told myself. Maybe none of them had ever had the nerve to tell him. Oh no. I don’t know what I feel now. Do I want to catch him later? And coax him into kissing more gently? I was surprised to find that I didn’t think I did. I felt flat. What shall I do? I asked myself. Talk to the girls, my inner mind came back with. I got out my phone and texted both of them.
We met at Effy’s half an hour later to discuss the situation.
‘Oh dear,’ said Effy. ‘How are you going to tell him?’
‘Don’t,’ said Tash. ‘I think you should give him another chance and tell him how you like to be kissed.’
‘But I don’t know if I even know myself,’ I said. I felt torn. To date Finn would be great kudos and I had to admit I liked the idea of being seen around with him. But surely I should be feeling more if he’s the great love of my life, my soulmate, or maybe we have to get used to each other. He might not have liked the way I kissed either. Maybe it’s me who’s not good at kissing. I felt Owen was too bland and Finn too full on so maybe it’s not them, maybe it’s me! It was all so confusing. Why don’t they teach this stuff in school?
Finn called the next day and suggested a date so maybe he was happy with my kissing technique after all. I agreed to see him again because I was seriously beginning to wonder if there was something wrong with me. For months, I’d had an almighty crush on Finn. Just a glance from him had been enough to make me tingle all over. But now that it was actually happening, I felt numb. Maybe I was incapable of love. A freak. I’d read magazine articles about commitment phobes, people who are scared of intimacy, who run away when things get real and always live in a fantasy world. I didn’t want to be like that, plus there was still the chance that despite the first kiss let-down, Finn might be Howard. I felt that it was too soon to dismiss him from the list so I decided that I should give him another chance.
Curiously though, the thought of Ben was still nagging at the back of my mind too. I’d rewritten my part of the article as Finn had suggested and he seemed happy enough with what I’d done but I kept wondering what Ben would think of it. I emailed him as
king if he’d like to take a look or discuss the photos for the article. He emailed back:
No need. Finn has approved and he’s the boss. You’ll see my photos soon enough in the magazine. Hope you’re enjoying life with Finn.
Regards, Ben
Regards. How cold and business-like is that? I thought. I was surprised to find that I felt hurt by the fact that he didn’t want to see me.
I spotted him the following Saturday with Max on the Heath. He had shades on so I wasn’t sure if he saw me or not. Either way, he turned and headed off in the opposite direction. Not Max though. Max came bounding over to me and leapt up to lick my face like I was his oldest, dearest friend.
‘Maybe you’re Howard, Max. It would be just my luck that he’d be back as a dog,’ I said.
‘Woof,’ Max agreed.
Ben whistled for him in the distance and Max ran off to join him. He probably doesn’t recognise me with my new haircut and clothes, I told myself but deep inside I knew that he’d seen me. He just didn’t want to talk to me.
Curiously, the more Ben didn’t want to talk to me, the more I wanted to talk to him. When the article came out, his photos were great. He’d captured the characters perfectly. He’d done fabulous portraits that showed a sense of humour: Wind Dancer looking like she’d stab rather than heal someone, Annie surrounded by her pottery nick-nacks and her dog, and Lily having a fag and looking totally disinterested. I’d love to have asked his opinion of what he thought of them as people but as I studied the photos I thought, yeah, no need. His viewpoint was all there in the pictures.
During the last few weeks of term, Finn and I had been dating. All the usual places back row at the cinema, picnics on the Heath, evening walks down by the river and mega snog sessions. Finn did like to kiss. I tried my best to encourage him to take it more slowly, but full on was his style and he always went back to the slug kiss. After a few weeks, I couldn’t kid myself that things were going to improve and the chemistry I’d felt so intensely earlier in the term faded like ice in a microwave. Also, the more time I spent with him the more I realised that he liked his own way, and just as he was lead singer in the band, he liked to be the lead in our relationship. We went where he wanted to go, saw movies he wanted to see, and he talked about himself all the time. He never asked what I’d like to do and just assumed that I’d be happy with his choices. Once or twice, he asked a question about me, but always seemed to bring it back to himself again. It was the Finn O’Brady show on and off the stage. As for him being Howard, I looked deeply into his eyes time and again, searching for that spirit I’d seen looking out of the sepia photograph at Mrs Rayner’s, but there was no recognition of anybody else in there but Finn, Finn and Finn.
Love at Second Sight Page 17