by K A Duggsy
I lie down suddenly worn out. The last few days have been mind-blowing and I have a lot to process, I’m still confused and dubious about much I’ve learnt. The only thing I am certain of is that Kye and I must’ve met and he loves me deeply. His actions, his endearments, his heart-breaking pleas for me to stay are not an act. I can see it in the way he looks at me, especially when he thinks I don’t know. He will do anything for me. And with that playing through my mind I manage to drift off to sleep.
Flashes of images sweep through my mind, one minute I’m with Kye in an unfamiliar home. As I try to hold on to the image to find out more another flash comes along, of me wearing a jumpsuit and hunkering down with Jonah in another location. Another flash and that image is gone replaced with me lying on a bed, Kye lovingly stroking my face and running a cloth over my head. They start merging into one dream that makes no sense before breaking off into fractures again. The last image that flitters through is me standing in a tube, tears falling down my face as I watch Jonah hold back a furious Kye, rage emanating from his every pore, shouting for me to get out, to wait. I put my hand to the tube and...
I wake breathing heavily, my hair sticking to my face and my heart beating furiously. I glance across at Kye on his own bed right beside mine. I have the compelling need to hold him, to be close to him but I don’t understand why. The images I dreamt I think were real, they certainly felt real. I felt my despair at leaving him but not why I wanted to stay so much. Time I spent with him must have been present but I can’t recall it now. All I know is something was ignited just then, feelings buried deep started to resurface and I crave comfort. Comfort from the man who saved me. The man who keeps trying to save me.
I swing my legs out of bed and cautiously pull back Kye’s cover. I linger for a moment unsure about what I’m doing. I can’t believe I’m being so forward. My need to be held beats the voice telling me to stop and I slip in behind him, rest my cheek on his shoulder and let his warmth envelop me. I wrap my arm around his waist... his very naked waist and feel the firmness of his body. I walk my fingers along his abdomen, stroke them over what I’m guessing are scars.
I close my eyes and commit the feel of him to my memory. If I’ve really lost previous thoughts of him, his caress and sculpted figure then this time I won’t let it happen. I breathe him in, letting the feel and smell of him seep into my consciousness. This is home. He is my home. I hold him tighter revelling in his warmth then tangling my leg with his. His arm comes up and holds the hand I have over his stomach.
“God I’ve missed this,” He rasps, rolling over to face me.
I smile at him relieved he doesn’t mind this invasion. If he’d climbed into my bed uninvited I probably would’ve screamed. He strokes my face whilst holding my gaze and pulling me in closer to him. “I’ve missed holding you so much Faith, so fuckin’ much.”
“I’m sorry I left you Kye. I remember doing it; I never meant to hurt you.”
“It never hurt, Sweetheart, it broke me. I vowed never to lose you again. What else did you remember?”
“Just flashes of different things, you looking after me, being out with Jonah and... leaving you while you fought against him.”
“I kicked his arse for that!” He smiles.
“You never?” I gasp.
“Too right I did, he deserved that and more.”
He pulls me even closer into his embrace and sighs satisfactorily. “Do you know how I’ve yearned to have you with me again? To hold you, look at you, keep you safe? You’re my everything, Sweetheart. I can’t bear to be without you again. This last year... let’s just say, I didn’t cope very well. You’re the beat of my heart, my reason for breathing. I felt paralysed without you.”
Tears roll down my cheeks at the beautiful words he’s just said, how can he love me so much? How can I not remember having those same feelings for him? They’re being awoken but how could I have ever forgotten in the first place. I always wondered what being in love was like, if I would ever experience an all-consuming need for someone and them for me and he adores me, it’s in his eyes for all to see. I don’t need to remember; I can start from now.
I practically launch myself at him and kiss him desperately; we end up as a tangle of limbs. A multitude of emotions from both of us get poured into this one kiss, our tongues probing, teasing. It’s a dizzying kiss, not soft and loving but primal. I can feel how much he wants me as he grows hard against my leg and I swear I hear him growl. I pull away first, not ready to go any further and not willing to give him the wrong idea. I’m feeling for him but still don’t remember our history. If I never remember I still want him but need to know more before being that intimate.
He pulls me close again, resting his chin on my head as I nuzzle into his chest. He whispers his understanding of my hesitancy and has no desire to push it. He’s happy to have me back in his arms where I belong and he holds me so tight like he’s scared I’ll slip through his fingers again. He holds me in his strong arms until he thinks I’ve fallen asleep and strokes my face gently. Being in his arms is... perfection.
He whispers aloud, “I’m not losing you again.”
Chapter 13
Faith
I wait until his breathing becomes steady and reluctantly prise my hand away from the rise and fall of his chest. I silently move from the bed, walking on my tiptoes. I heard his oath and know my only chance to find the truth and stop Advance Industries is to leave now. I hate having to do this but once I get a thought in my head I can’t ignore it. I need answers and I’m so used to relying on myself that I know I have to leave and find them. I miss the warmth of his embrace already and briefly think about returning to his hold. I watch him for a few seconds before shaking my head, pulling myself together and reassuring myself that this is the right thing to do.
I dress quickly, keeping my eyes on his sleeping form so as not to be rumbled. I slip my shoes on, my blisters screaming in protest and bite my lip to stop from crying out. I scribble him a quick note and leave it on the makeshift desk before taking one last lingering look at the man I supposedly love, and then I step into the night.
Once outside I scan the other tents, a few lamps are flickering so at least two of the men are still awake. I trudge through the sand and head in the direction of the shacks I saw the other day. I still have concerns about off grid and walking through it alone in the dark is freaking me out. Rumours come from somewhere right? So all the stories can’t be completely false. I keep expecting to run into a hungry crazy. I chastise myself for not having the foresight to steal Kye’s knife or something I can use for protection if the need arises. I don’t even know where he hid the phaser he took from me. I’m so dumb!
I’m determined to find my way back. I’ve been walking for hours and don’t even know if I’m headed in the right direction. My feet are bleeding, my blisters popped. Every step is taken with as much precision as I can gather to try and ease anymore pain. I’m practically tip-toeing. It feels like a potato peeler is scraping away my skin. Tears prick my eyes as the pain becomes unbearable and eventually I take off my shoes, deciding that debris can dig in the bottom of my feet instead of the intense pain of my shoes rubbing these blisters. I pass plenty of shacks on the way, most in darkness and I’m grateful not to have encountered anyone. I’m curious about the off grid dwellers though. Why would they choose to stay in such seclusion? Is that the appeal? No rules to follow, no one to answer to. Free to live as they wish?
The dark of the night starts giving way to daylight and still I keep going. I’m starting to convince myself that I’ve walked in the wrong direction and that this is hopeless. The only thing keeping me going is stubbornness and my need to help Fraser. I must get back; find the answers that only Advance Industries can give. I hope he’s okay and curse Kye for taking me before I could try and get help for him. Remembering that he said he left Zone 1 for the streets because they would kill him makes me pick up speed until I’m running faster and faster. The sand gave way to rou
gher terrain before I removed my shoes and my journey has been long and tough going. I don’t think my feet will ever recover.
Up ahead in the near distance I spot the huge iron gates in the centre of a continuous wall and know I’m home. I breathe a sigh of relief. I did it, I found my way back. Finally!
I take a last look behind me as I reach the gates. Nothingness stretches on as far as my eyes can see. It’s a wasteland out there but it holds a certain sense of serenity. It’s as if this wall and gate were dropped from above in the middle of nowhere. I know Kye is out there and though he’s hours behind me, I know he’ll come. He won’t be able to resist. I think he actually likes me being a damsel in distress so he can play the big, strong hero.
I push the gates open, ignoring the guards flanking either side and run in the direction of the main homeless area. My hair is a matted mess, strands stuck to my face. I’ve only been able to finger comb it the last few days and hate to think Kye has seen me this dishevelled. I must stink; I’m wearing the same clothes as the day I was taken. My feet are disgustingly filthy, covered in dried blood and dirt. I’ll probably be mistaken for one of the homeless.
I don’t know who I’m looking for and can’t exactly walk around shouting out people’s names. I give myself a mini pep-talk and slow my steps. I spot a bench and head towards it to gather myself. When will I learn to stop rushing off and actually take the time to get a plan together? I smooth my hair back whilst contemplating the best way to get to Fraser. I wonder if it’s safe to go home and shower and change or will the AIG be watching for me?
Someone sits next to me but I’m so lost in considering my next steps I don’t look up. I just budge over and rest my face in my hands. I need a shower, bath or water tipped over my head desperately, and it seems to be the only train of thought I can follow. I’m so gross! How can someone cope with sitting next to me while I’m smelling like the dead? I’m so embarrassed.
“Are you okay?” A woman asks.
I lift and turn my head slightly to see who has such a strong stomach that they’re not retching being this close to my body. The woman sat next to me is smiling kindly, though her smile doesn’t quite reach her eyes. Her long black hair is in a braid with streaks of grey running through it, and hangs over her left shoulder. She offers me her hand and says, “I’m Ameera, are you lost?”
Ameera and Alec is what Fraser said. He told me to go to the homeless and seek them out, that they could help. But if they’re homeless, how could they possibly? I start to feel the tingly feeling down my neck again and not trusting anyone at the moment I answer without taking her hand,
“Yes, I am lost. I don’t know where I live.”
“It’s okay, Honey. I’ll help you. What’s your name?”
“I... I don’t know. I can’t... remember.”
If possible, Ameera’s smile widens and she drapes an arm around my shoulders.
“Come with me, Honey; let’s get you to a doctor.”
“Thank you.” I smile and willingly walk with her.
Fraser
I’m in my element. Back at work, still hobbling slightly, wearing my lab coat and catching up on work I’ve sorely missed. There’s nothing quite like the environment of the lab for me, the smells and bustling, the urgency. The respect from my co-workers, knowing the high regard they hold me in. Here in the labs I’m important, someone people look up to. I’m in charge and the power I wield is welcoming. Being on the streets has earned me an almost celebrity status, that I, Professor Laudnam was so dedicated to research I put myself in distress and mixed with the lowest of the low.
I’ve been congratulated and back-slapped all day and the honour has gone to my head. The adoration I feel makes me forget the plight of the homeless as I agree with my colleagues about how awful it was and how I couldn’t stand the community.
I’m walking around with a permanent smile and can’t remember a day better than this before. I’ve been inundated with phone numbers to my comm-rec from admiring women in the lab and I can’t wait to finish up and find the one who will be blessed with my company tonight. It’s been a long time since I had a woman pressed up against me. A very long time!
I enter my office and start writing notes, uploading to my comm-rec would be easier and faster but I miss writing. I find it therapeutic. My comm-rec beeps and I smile, wondering whose number I have now. My face falls when I see Ameera flash up and decide to ignore her for once.
She’ll only spoil the good mood I’m in.
Faith
I’ve followed Ameera, being questioned relentlessly about the last thing I remember, where did I come from? Can I remember the last person I saw? And on and on. She should be a bloody reporter I think uncharitably.
We finally stop outside of the familiar entrance to the complex and I plaster on a fake look of awe. “Where are we?” I ask.
“This is the complex, Honey. The doctors here can help you.”
“What will they do?”
“Just look you over and try to find out why you can’t remember. You must’ve hurt your head so they’ll likely examine you. Don’t be scared, they’ll look after you. Only the best work here, Honey.”
I nod and start to regret leaving Kye. I want to run back to him and feel safe with him by my side. I shouldn’t have left, we could’ve just forgotten all about Advance Industries, buried our heads in the sand so to speak and just lived happily in the tent. I take a deep breath, pushing those thoughts deep within and shuffle forward as Ameera takes my arm and practically marches me closer.
Ameera speaks into a wall piece and then presses her finger to the screen, the doors swing open.
Once inside I’m met with a never-ending corridor, white walls, blue flooring and an indescribable smell. As soon as the doors close behind me I feel an impending sense of doom before being hit full force by a barrage of memories; it feels like I imagine a shock from a phaser does.
I’m jolted and reach out to steady myself, finding nothing to hold on to. My hand is reaching out aimlessly, my vision blurred and my ears ringing. Memories of this place, the years I was strapped down, held against my will and injected with different drugs, the feelings of helplessness and loneliness.
I start physically shaking, my knees knocking together. I’m completely overwhelmed by the strength of these memories all colliding together, vying for space in my overfilled mind. The smells invade my senses and try to knock me on my arse. It’s the distinct smell of desperation and I feel myself falling. I’m weightless, floating and I don’t want to fight against this feeling of blissful lightness.
Moments later and I’m shaken awake, Ameera looming over me.
“Now you really need your head seen, that was quite an ungraceful fall, Honey.” She laughs.
She picks me up from the floor and I stand unsteadily, my legs still wobbly and uncooperative. My head feels like an unexploded bomb and I’m disoriented so she helps me along the corridor and into a side room. The room again is bare, white walls, blue floor, a table, bed trolley and two chairs.
“Have a seat and I’ll be back with a doctor.”
I hear the click of the door locking and armed with my memories, finally, I’m trembling. What the hell possessed me to willingly return? How could I have forgotten my treatment? I’m close to tears and hate that I’m so emotional. I always try to hide my vulnerability from these people but the enormity of my actions is sounding loud and clear.
Why didn’t I listen to Kye?
Kye… My Kye, the man I adore. He risked travelling to save me and I didn’t listen to a word he said. Why does he put up with me? I’m stubborn and pig-headed. I wish he were here. I can imagine how crazy he’s acting upon finding my note. Bloody hell, he travelled for me. When I left I knew I’d never see him again, it tore me up but my conscience kept gnawing away at me. I had to come back for my friends. I had to. I had to put aside my selfish wants and help the only family I’ve ever known.
But now? Now I remember I don’t know how
I mustered the courage to actually leave him. I made peace with it at the time. Maybe I was delirious; it seems like such an impossible choice. I guess it was one of my impulsive decisions. Is this what a split personality feels like? The Faith without memories was completely different to who I really am. I can’t believe I fell for all the crap they told me!
I hate that it’s come to this but now I’m in, I can do what I travelled back for... I hope. I raise my hand to the back of my head and feel an almighty lump. I pull my hand away at the wet stickiness I feel and stare at my fingers. I’m bleeding and maybe it’s the sight of the blood or maybe my cut is deep but I start feeling woozy.
The door unlocks and a female doctor appears. I know her. She smiles at me; the false smile I remember. I mentally prepare myself for what’s to come as she pulls out the other chair in the room. I try to keep an impassive look on my face, though what I really want to do is run at her and inflict the most amount of pain on her as I can. I hate this particular ‘doctor’, she’s a bitch, one of the few who genuinely seem to enjoy watching mine and my friends fear as they force us to do what they wish. I sit up straighter trying to ignore the dizziness swamping me. I’m nauseous, my stomach is roiling and I’m struggling to keep it together.
“Hello.” She starts, “I’m told you have a head trauma. I’m Doctor Bowers.”
She manages to lull people in with a false sense of security. Her voice is light and calming and her natural beauty on the outside is so unfair. Her thick, black wavy hair falls just past her shoulders, her statement lipstick of choice is a vivid red and contrasts so well against her dark skin. She managed to make us feel jealous and scared at the same time. For girls who have never been given make-up or perfume, stylish clothing, accessories or anything we would have appreciated, seeing her lording it over us is... unexplainable. Seeing the way, the male scientists look at her always interested us.