Dismantled (Girls on Top #2)

by Yara Greathouse

  “How about you let me into your house? Right. Now.”

  Fuck!

  “Okay, no need to be harsh. Take it easy.” I can hear Notso on the phone asking me what the hell was going on. I don’t want her to take my phone away. Without putting it to my ear, I raise my hands on a pose of surrender and speak a little louder than usual. “Whoa! Is the gun really necessary? My roommate will be home soon and you may scare him with that thing. Let’s go ahead and keep it relaxed. We can talk without you pointing the gun at my face.”

  “Is that what you think? That I’ve come here to ‘talk’? You’re fucking dreaming!” She takes one of her hands from the gun to her head and grabs a fistful of hair. She’s pulling so hard, a bunch comes out and she doesn’t even acknowledge it. While the girl is mumbling to herself, I hear Notso on the phone, saying something about not spooking her, because he is calling the cops right now. I wish I knew what the average response time for the local police is nowadays. Fuck me! The room is suddenly so terribly hot and I feel heavy sweat beads forming on my forehead.

  With the dark silver barrel staring at me, my mind briefly drifts to think about all the shitty things I have done in the past. I also think about my mom, how I don’t want her to see my body without a face. My dad. My brother. My friends. As the images cloud my vision, Ciara’s smiling face is a constant next to all the others. Simultaneously, I’m also trying to come up with a way out of this mess. The girl is steadily mumbling and whispering to herself, shaking the gun every which way – I wish I knew her name… Isn’t that what they say in situations like this one, to appeal to their human connection? If that fails, can I try to overtake her?

  “Why don’t we sit down and just talk through this situation like adults.” I take one step towards her. She looks at me, with tears in her eyes that have started to overflow and fall delicately on her cheeks. She looks lost and so sad.

  “Don’t you fucking move one more inch! Adults? What the fuck is an adult to you! You treat girls worse than trash! Use them and leave them! What kind of fucked up human being are you? Why do you do that?”

  If she only knew why…

  It was the beginning of 8th grade. I was looking forward to seeing my friends after the summer break. As I caught up with them, I noticed that I was a bit taller than most. Taller and heavier. I was happy to be that way, because it meant my chances to grab a good position for the football team were really good. The happiness didn’t last long. During lunch on that first week, a swarm of girls came to my table, where I was eating with my friends. I vaguely remembered the girl leading the group as somebody from elementary school. She wasn’t all that pretty and her family had lots of money. There was always something about her eyes that kept me away.

  “Hey Traxx – How was your summer?”

  My friends at the table started to giggle, which embarrassed me. I didn’t like being the center of attention.

  Barely glancing at her, I answered with a muttered “Fine.”

  The giggles got louder from the guys and I noticed the girl’s face turning red. She looked back at the other girls around her, took a deep breath and asked “Do you want to hang out sometime?”

  Giggles were starting to turn into laughter when I looked up at my friends. I wished for a hole in the ground that I could crawl into.

  “Not really.” Was all I had to say. Two small words. These simple words made my experience in middle school pure hell.

  “Why not?” She asked me and sounded a little upset.

  My friends were not subtle with all their giggling. I didn’t know what to say to her. I was not into hanging out with girls. Shrugging my shoulders at her was the action that lit the match of her anger towards me.

  “You think you are funny, don’t you? Well, I promise you that I’ll be the one laughing from now on. Remember, you had your chance.”

  Just like that, I became the target of the Queen Bee and her minions. Every day I was taunted, pushed around and made feel like a nobody. My height and size were no longer something to feel proud of as it became the point of all their cruelty. They even got some of the guys from the team to pick fights with me. I had to learn to fight the hard way – I didn’t have much of a choice on that. The mental anguish I had to endure those years because of their bullying almost broke me. If it wasn’t for Colton having my back and being my friend regardless of anything that they did, I would have lost my sanity.

  I learned that I could not trust girls. They are crafty and use their powers over boys to get them to do anything they want. They pushed me to be this way. I hate the thought to let any girl near my heart. They don’t deserve it. They don’t deserve me. Thankfully, the torture ended when I entered High School, as those girls ended up attending a different school from mine, but the damage was done. I was brainwashed and scared to get close to anyone of the opposite sex. So, I switched the tables and started to take from them. It made me feel powerful and in control.

  At that moment, this girl’s voice brought me back to the here and now.

  “I was supposed to be THE ONE! The one who finally gets the guy of her dreams. We were going to date for a couple of years, then one beautiful Valentine’s Day spent in the Caribbean you were going to ask me to marry you, because you had come to realize that you could not live without me. At that point, I would cry and say yes. After a one year engagement, we were to have our dream location wedding in Bali. We were going to read our very own vows professing unending love for one another, followed by the best honeymoon ever. We couldn’t wait to start our very own family: three kids, two boys and a girl. Together we were going to buy a dog and be absolutely happy. Now, thanks to you, all of it it’s ruined. You… YOU ruined it all! They all think I’m crazy and that I was lying to them!” She raised her hands to her head and squeezed hard against her ears, as if trying to keep something or someone out. Then she slaps her flattened hands on her temples over and over again.

  What.the.hell?

  “You are a selfish motherfucking asshole, you know that? You only think about what you want and damn the consequences!” She is yelling and starts to pace. Nope, I’m not calming her at all. It seems I have gotten her more agitated.

  “Look, I’m truly sorry for whatever I did to you. I just don’t do relationships and I prefer casual sex, that’s all.”

  “I know that! I’ve seen you around, always picking up a girl and fucking her and then never have contact with them again. That’s why I’m here. I refused to be ignored by the likes of you.”

  What.the.fuck?

  “I’m sorry, can you please tell me your name?”

  “I don’t know what for, if you don’t remember it, why do you want to know now?”

  “Well, because I was obviously careless to have forgotten your name.” I really hope this works. I take a deep breath and give her my best smile. “Because you came here – to my place - to see me and whatever the reason, it’s important to you. It’s only fair that we communicate by using our names. Don’t you think?”

  She gives me a confused look. “I guess… My name is Marcy.” She scratches her head with a child-like quality. She still looks confused, but has not loosened her hold on the gun.

  “Good, that’s really great, Marcy. Thank you. Now, please tell me what brought you here today.” Her brown eyes suddenly frown, and suddenly her stare becomes cold and dark. I feel chills going through my body and I realize this is a life or death situation.

  “Months ago, you saw me having fun with a group of people. There were smiles from afar, a few drinks and a lot of flirting. We were attracted to each other…” her voice lowers a bit, so I think she is calming down. “… then we have the most passionate night together. I still remember the way you touched me.” Her free hand moves over her breast and continues down until she reaches her pelvis. Her crying eyes are pinned to mine and I notice with her free hand she is touching between her legs. Oh, man. This girl has lost it. “It was pure heaven. Hours later you had your fill, got dressed and left
. Didn’t even say goodbye.”

  “Look, Marcy, I’m sorry. That’s just the way I am. What else did you expect me to do? I’d explained that I stay away from relationships or any type of commitment…”

  “Shut up! Shut your nasty, ugly, lying mouth! You have no right to say shit to me! You have not earned that right! You actually think I’m pissed out of my mind because I wanted a relationship with you?”

  She laughs and sounds like a crazy person. She pulls on her hair again and starts pacing from one wall to the other. What the fuck should I do? Damn it! I just need her to keep talking. If she’s busy talking, maybe she will be too busy to start shooting. I lift my hand to wipe the sweat from my forehead, as I feel it dripping down the sides of my face and down my back. “I mean it, Marcy, I’m sorry that you feel this way. I was very clear…”

  “Oh, yes! Very clear. I’ve got you now. I have all your fucking attention, don’t I? Do you want to try to run out like you do after you fuck somebody and then I can shoot you in the back? Or should I shoot your miserable dick off instead and see what kind of dating life you would get then.” She moves the gun down a bit. “Your problem is not that you bed too many girls. Your problem is the way you treat us after the fact. Like we don’t exist. What kind of shit is that? I may be an easy lay, but I’m a human being. I have feelings. Don’t you understand that you cannot make someone the center of everything for a few hours and then act like they never existed? It makes the other person feel bad, like they are worthless… In this scenario the only worthless person is you! YOU!”

  She screams and her words make me flinch. I can actually feel her pain. I should not care, but deep inside somehow I do care. Even though it is obvious Marcy’s mental state is not well, I had something to do with this final result. And I do feel bad. I’m not mean or hateful, and at this moment I wish I could, some way, somehow, lift some of the burden off of her.

  When she’s done screaming, she takes a step forward and raises the gun until it’s pointed right between my eyes. Her tears are heavy now. She’s really upset and I feel… I actually feel bad for her. To top it off, I have no idea what I can do to help ease her pain and her hate. Sympathy has never been my forte, nor can I imagine the way she’s feeling because I haven’t been in that situation. Ever. Regardless of what I choose to do, I feel as if it’ll fail.

  “Please, don’t do this…” My eyes divert to the door because I suddenly hear sirens and realize the police are finally coming our way. Shit!

  Her head tilts towards the door. “Is that the police? How…” She is looking around everywhere within the room, then, she notices the phone still in my hand. “Is that phone on?”

  I swallow hard but choose not to answer.

  “Cut that shit off and put it down!”

  I slowly show her that I cut off the phone and crouch down placing it carefully on the floor.

  “Get your ass back up! Who the hell was on the phone?”

  As I slowly get up, I try to explain. “It was my roommate. Look I’m sure we can work something out. If you put your gun down and leave my house, I won’t press charges. You can disappear and go about your life. Move away, start anew, and don’t ever sleep with pricks like me ever again.” I am pleading to her shamelessly. I don’t want to die this way. I can hear the sirens very close now. Come on, COME ON!

  “No! I’m going to do this! You are going to pay the price to know what it’s like to damage somebody’s life. All my friends saw me leave with you that night! They think I’m trashy and worthless! They look at me differently now. My own family feels sorry for me. They constantly whisper and talk to each other, they are talking about ME! My life’s ruined – can’t you see that? You ruined me! You can’t use people and expect them to be all right with that! Do you understand how hard it is not to be wanted by anyone? It’s over, Traxx. From this moment, your life as you know it, it’s no more! No one will want you, either.”

  This is it! The police are going to be here a few minutes too late. I see the pain and torture in the tears brimming from her eyes. I truly feel pain for what I’ve done to her and to so many others. I really am scum. Whatever happened in my past that shaped me into this substandard human being is irrelevant. I realize a little too late that what those girls of my past used to do to me, have nothing to do with the girls of my present. Years of feeling betrayed, humiliated and - most of all – hurt, are thrown on my face as I think of things that I’ve done and come to regret. Why couldn’t I see things clearly before? I should not have taken it out on them. I’m too late for that now. I can’t leave this world and not face up to what I did to this woman…

  With sorrow and sadness in the recognition of my faults and the knowledge that my life was about to end, I look at her one last time, eye to eye, while I whisper the words she should have heard long time ago. “I’m really truly sorry for what I’ve put you through. You didn’t deserve it. I’m sorry for the past, I am sorry for the here and now. My heart has been cold and closed for so long, it takes an incident like this to make it feel again.” I laugh dryly. “And… I’m feeling you. I’m feeling your pain. I’m feeling your despair. Most of all I’m feeling your need to put an end to it all. I understand, because some years ago I was you. My heart was destroyed and at that moment I made promises to myself that led me to be someone I never expected. I had to make choices that had me treating people in the worst possible way.”

  In that moment, I knew that by looking for ways to protect myself, I had become one of them: a person who caused pain to others, a bully and a hater of my own accord. I loathed the person that I’d become. “I wish you can find peace within you soon and that you can move on. Live your life the way you should, with dignity and respect. I’m sorry that you were a victim of my terrible behavior. I deserve this.” I feel tears coming down my face as I close my eyes and wait.

  Suddenly, the most painful, haunting wail is coming from the girl. My gut twists and turns as I pop my eyes open and look at her. What befalls next, plays in front of me in slow motion. She’s screaming while turning the gun away from my face, to placing it against her temple. I blink once, twice and when I realize what’s happening, all I want to do is to stop her. I lunge myself towards her and reach with my arms as far out as I can, but I was never close enough. By the time she’s only a step away, her finger pulls the trigger. I’m crying out “No!” when a rain of warmth touches my exposed skin, wets the front of my shirt and hands while the coppery smell fills my nostrils and my brain produces nothing but sadness and regret.

  Like hitting a wall, I stop cold long enough to see her lifeless eyes looking at me and her body slowly falling to the floor while I’m falling to my knees. At the same time, policemen enter the house bursting through the door and as I look at them coming towards me, I’ve come undone and my world finally fades black.

  Marcy Smith (four months ago)

  Tonight is going to be the night. I can feel it. I take my little black dress and lay it on the bed. Looking at the shoe rack that hangs over the door, I look for my sexy black shoes with the rhinestone covered straps. My long brown hair is full of soft waves for extra sexiness. I have applied dark eye shadow for a “smokey” effect. Going to my bathroom, I start to remove the rollers. The medicine cabinet catches my eyes and I play tug of war in my mind: open it – don’t; open it – don’t.

  Finally I decide to open it. My medicine bottle sits there, staring back at me. I rub my finger lightly on the label. It has been exactly three weeks since I decided to stop them. I hate medication and the way they make me feel as if I’m trapped inside my mind, unable to express myself. A prisoner of my inner thoughts. I need to be free. I’m aware of my symptoms and will go to the doctor if they start to manifest. In the meantime, I’m happy.

  I skip-dance to my closet and glance to make sure the door to my room is locked before I step inside. I have placed a curtain on the far wall. My fingers itch to touch it and move it out the way so I can admire my masterpiece. I reach and slowly re
veal the picture mosaic behind it. Traxx…

  I have been following him for weeks since that day at the pharmacy, when I came around the corner and bumped into him and all the items I was carrying in my hands fell inside his shopping cart. As I picked up my things, I noticed the giant box of condoms labeled “Lifestyles KYNG.” I felt the hotness travel all the way up to my face, making me blush.

  “Is everything okay, miss?”

  I could not help it. I had to take a quick look at his package and yes, the guy was well endowed. “Yes,” I smiled, “everything is great. Sorry about bumping into you, but I’m just going to take my things and be on my way.” The smile he gave me melted my panties and I suddenly felt exposed and curiously, I also felt beautiful. To have his total attention for a couple of minutes was the highlight of my day. A female voice came around and bumped me out of my happy place. Then I saw her, blonde, stylish and beautiful. Figures.

  “Traxx, did you find the ice cream I want? Oh, hi there.” She looked at him and then at me.

  “Ciara, this is….”

  “Marcy.”

  “Marcy. We just accidentally bumped into each other and she was gathering her things that fell inside the cart.”

  I manage to smile a little and waved with a couple of free fingers.

  “Okay, see you around Marcy.”

  That was the moment I realized he wanted to see me again. I had to make it happen. I followed him to her place and waited in my car until he came out and I could follow him to his place. It’s been weeks, but I have documented everything in tedious detail. My mosaic wall can attest to that. And tonight… Tonight I am ready to make my move.

  Ciara (Present day)