by Abbi Glines
Then Mase Manning walked out of my door and out of my life.
Mase
When the door had closed behind me, I dropped my bag and bent over, bracing my hands on my knees to suck in air. Reminding myself that she had to work through this was hard. Leaving her . . . Oh, God, I couldn’t just fucking leave her. She was in a goddamn corner looking completely destroyed, and I didn’t know why.
Each breath hurt. The tightness in my chest was like a vise grip on my lungs. My heart was in that apartment. Walking away without it seemed impossible. But if I was going to get a chance at a future with Reese, she had to let me in. The past haunted her. It was controlling her. That motherfucking low-life scum had done this to her. I’d thought I could hold her through it all and give her so much love she’d overcome it. But those demons were there in her eyes.
All I was doing was helping her pretend they weren’t there. I wasn’t helping her destroy them and overcome them. My love wasn’t enough. I wanted it to be. God, I wanted it to be enough. But she needed to find the strength inside herself.
When she did, she could accept that I loved her. That I adored her. That I wanted her and all the shit in her past. I wanted everything.
Standing up, I winced at the pain.
I didn’t walk to my truck. Instead, I went to Jimmy’s apartment. I couldn’t leave her without knowing someone was watching over her. When she needed me to rescue her, someone had to call me. I knew she never would.
She might not want me, but I’d be damned if I’d let her need me.
Knocking on Jimmy’s door, I tried to take a deep breath. But I couldn’t.
The door swung open, and his smile immediately turned into a frown. “Mase?”
He had been expecting someone else. I didn’t really want to think about that, considering he was wearing a pair of red silk pajama pants and his chest was bare and oiled.
“She wants me to leave. No, she ordered me to leave,” I corrected myself. “But I need you to call me if she needs anything. Don’t let her suffer. She may think she doesn’t want me, but I’ll drop anything to get to her.”
Jimmy sagged against the door. He looked let-down. “Well, shit. What is in that girl’s head? She’s crazy about you.”
It was her past. Those fucking demons in her memory. But I couldn’t tell him that.
“She needs me, you call me. I’ll be here.”
He nodded.
I gripped the handle of my bag and fought back the emotion. This was it. I was really leaving her. “Watch over her. Make sure she’s safe and locked in at night. Don’t let her walk to work. Don’t let her walk home, either. Keep her safe for me. Please.” I was begging him. But at this point, I’d beg anyone.
Tears filled his eyes. “Shit. That girl,” he shook his head. “She’s got something in her past she’s hiding, but it’s dark. I’ve seen it in her eyes. She’ll call you. She loves you.”
I hoped to God he was right. “When I’m gone, she’ll need someone. Be that someone.”
He wiped at his tears, then nodded. “I will.”
“Thanks.”
I headed back to the stairs and my truck.
I tossed my bag onto the backseat but paused before I got inside. I couldn’t leave without telling her.
I stalked back to her door with a purpose and knocked. She didn’t come, but I waited.
“Reese. I know you hear me,” I said through the door.
I knocked again, but she didn’t answer.
“I’m leaving. You want me to go, so I’ll go. But know that I love you. I will love you the rest of my life. If you don’t call me, I will still be there in Texas loving you.”
I waited, but she never came to the door.
After several minutes, I knew she wasn’t coming. She was going to let me do this.
Unable to stop myself, I banged on the door with my fist one more time and yelled as loudly as I could, “I love you, Reese Ellis! I love you so fucking much!”
I heard a door open next door, but I didn’t look at whoever it was. I waited outside her door, hoping she’d open it.
But she didn’t.
Reese
Nine weeks later
I opened my door to find Jimmy on the other side. He had a cappuccino in each hand. Once that was a comforting sight. Nothing comforted me anymore. The nightmares from my past were back with a vengeance. I rarely slept anymore. Cappuccino in the morning and coffee in a mug in the afternoon were the only way I made it through work every day.
“Ready, sunshine?” he asked.
I nodded and grabbed my backpack. “Yeah,” I replied, taking the cup he offered me.
“I hate you. I want your skin. It’s not fair you get so tanned,” he complained.
“I work out in the sun. Of course I’m going to get tanned,” I reminded him, rolling my eyes. He whined about my tan at least twice a week.
“Tanning and watching hot men swing clubs. I’m working in the wrong department,” he said with a huff.
We both knew that Darla wouldn’t let him work on the golf course at the Kerrington Club. Jimmy had a face women loved. He worked as a server, and the women came in droves to flirt with him and tip him well. On the course, he wouldn’t be as popular. There were several women who golfed but not many. The majority played tennis. The men dominated the golf course.
“It’s hot out there, and the men are all dressed in shorts and polo shirts. It’s not exactly sexy attire. You aren’t missing out on anything.”
Jimmy opened his car door and rolled his eyes at me. “Girl, I’ve seen Rush Finlay’s hot ass in shorts and a polo, and it’s enough for me to pour ice water down my pants.”
“God! Jimmy!” I couldn’t help but laugh, but honestly, he could be so descriptive.
I sank down into the passenger seat, put my backpack on the floor, and set my coffee in the cupholder so I could buckle up. Riding with Jimmy to and from work was easier now that we worked at the same place. Jimmy had arranged it so that our schedules matched every week.
“Keeping it real, babe,” he replied, as he climbed inside.
Sometimes Jimmy keeping it real was him just wanting to make me laugh. Only recently had he been able to accomplish that, and it wasn’t often. But I would give him one thing: since the moment Mase Manning had walked out of my life, Jimmy had been my shadow.
I couldn’t go anywhere without checking in with him. He panicked if he didn’t know where I was, and he always stayed late with me. For a while, he would sit and hold my hand while I went to sleep at night. He never mentioned it, but I knew he was trying to take the place of my nightly phone calls. The ones I didn’t have anymore.
I had quit my cleaning job with the Carters simply because I couldn’t see anyone who reminded me of Mase, and there was the chance that he’d turn up anytime for a visit. I wasn’t sure how I’d handle that. I also told Blaire Finlay that I couldn’t clean for her. The Finlays also reminded me of Mase.
Once I was jobless, Jimmy offered to get me work as a cart girl on the country club’s golf course. I had told him about my dyslexia then, and he had helped me fill out the application. When he had asked me if I wanted to read to him at night, I had broken down and closed myself up in my room. He didn’t have to ask to figure out why. He was a smart guy.
Now he asked me, “Thad still coming a lot during your shifts?”
I sighed and laid my head back against the seat. “Thad just golfs a lot. He’s not only coming during my shifts.”
Jimmy let out an amused laugh. “Keep telling yourself that, chick. But blondie doesn’t golf unless he’s with Woods or Grant. It isn’t something I ever saw him do by himself. Until you put on that little outfit and started passing out beers.”
I didn’t want to think about Thad coming to see me. I didn’t want anyone coming to see me. Not that way.
I love you, Reese Ellis!
That broken cry that had been so loud my neighbors heard it was all that took up residence in my chest. Everyth
ing else was gone. Finding any emotion was hard for me. Only at night, when I was asleep and the past came back to torture me, did I scream and cry.
Over the past nine weeks, I had dealt with moments of weakness. Once I almost convinced myself that I had imagined that text message. And when I couldn’t make myself believe that, I tried to convince myself that I could live with him having sex with other people. If I had him in my life, that would be enough. I would forgive him for needing sex so badly that he had to get it elsewhere.
Then, at my lowest points, I blamed myself for being screwed-up in the head. For not being able to give him what his body needed. I had pushed him into her arms.
He loved me, though. He had yelled it at the top of his lungs.
After weeks of no word from him, I had to accept that he had moved on. I had sent him away, and he had gone. Not easily, but he had gone. Now someone else, probably Cordelia, was taking care of his needs. She was loving him and making him smile. She was everything I hadn’t been to him.
So I just survived. Every day, I got up and survived the day. Every night, I survived the nightmares. Then I did it again. Over and over.
And alone.
Because I’d made him leave.
“Earth to Reesey-poo. Where did you go, woman? I asked you a question.”
I shook my Mase thoughts away. They’d be back to fill the void later. “Sorry, what did you ask?”
“I asked if you wanted to go take your written test and get your driving permit tomorrow since we’re off work.”
Dr. Munroe had been helping me study for two weeks now. I was as prepared as I’d ever be. “Yeah. That would be good,” I replied.
The excitement didn’t come. I had thought once that I would never drive a car. Now I was close to achieving that goal, and I couldn’t manage to feel even a little joy. Because the one person I wanted with me, the one person I wanted to share this with, wasn’t here.
I had pushed him away. I had loved too much. With a broken mind and body, I had loved completely. And he had needed more than that broken mind and body.
Images of him touching a faceless woman and doing things to her that he did to me shredded me every time I let myself think about it. I wanted to be whole. I wanted to be enough for him.
“Don’t get too excited. I might have to pull over until you calm down,” Jimmy said sarcastically.
I forced a smile for him.
“Not buying that fake shit, Reese,” he replied.
It was all I had. Fake shit.
Mase
Swinging the ax, I split the piece of wood I needed to mend the fence. But I couldn’t stop. Lifting the ax, I swung again, ruining the perfect piece I’d created. Then I swung again. And again. And again.
I wasn’t sure when the yelling started, but when I looked up to see my mother standing across from me with her hands on her hips, frowning at me disapprovingly, I knew I must have gotten loud.
Shit.
She had been waiting for me to snap. I had been careful to work through my day without emotion as long as her attention was on me. Getting Maryann Colt off your back when she thought you needed to talk was near impossible.
I dropped the ax and stared down at the small chunks of wood that were now only good for firewood. I’d annihilated it. I would have to go get another piece now so I could fix the goddamn fence.
“Don’t reckon that wood did anything to you,” Momma said, cocking one of her eyebrows.
I didn’t respond. I just dropped to my haunches and started picking up the mess I’d made.
“I’ve had all I can take, Mase Colt Manning. You’ve been a shell of my boy for months, and now you lose your mind and begin yelling and beating the shit outta that log with an ax? You have to talk to me. You’re giving me anxiety attacks. I’m worried about you.”
For nine weeks, I had managed to live without my heart. This wasn’t a life. My life was a woman who didn’t want me. This was an existence. An empty, shallow existence.
I hadn’t told my mother about Reese, but Harlow had. Momma had asked me about her the week after Reese sent me away from her. I had been so overcome with pain from just the sound of her name that I had jumped up and fled the table. Momma hadn’t mentioned her again.
But now I needed her to. I needed to talk about Reese. I wanted to tell someone about her. To fill my emptiness with the memory of her.
“I love her,” I said simply.
She raised both of her eyebrows now. “I kind of got that already, sweetie. When you ran like the fires of hell were after you the day I asked you about her, you gave that away.”
“She’s my life, Momma. Reese. She’s it. My one. But she doesn’t want me.” Just saying it sent a bolt of agony through me. I winced, unable to hide it from my mother.
“Then she’s a fool,” Momma said, with all the conviction of a mother who loved her son.
“No. She’s brilliant. She’s beautiful. She’s like a bright ray of sunlight. She’s . . . Her life growing up . . .” I stopped and swallowed the bile that rose in my throat just from thinking about what she’d been through. How my girl had suffered. “It was bad, Momma. Dark. As dark and twisted as a girl’s life can be. But she’s not a fool.”
My mother’s face fell. I could see her fighting back the tears in her eyes. “Oh, baby. I should have figured when my big-hearted, beautiful boy fell in love, he’d fall in love so completely. You never did anything halfway. You didn’t take your first steps, you took off running. You didn’t say your first word, you sang an entire line of a song. And you didn’t just take up for the underdogs at school, you got expelled for tying a bully to a flagpole. My baby has never done anything halfway. You do it with so much determination it blasts everyone else’s attempts out of the water.”
She walked around my mess and dropped down beside me. I felt the tears burn my eyes as she took my face in her hands and looked at me with so much love and heartache, because that was who she was. My mom hurt with me. She always had.
“You are a good man. The best. I love your stepfather, but even his doesn’t compare to the heart you have. You were the best thing I’ll ever do in this life. I can’t top creating you. Being your mother is a gift that brings me joy every day of my life. I’ll die knowing I left a man on this earth who will leave a trail of good everywhere he goes.” She stopped, and I knew there was a “but” coming. “But for the first time in your life, I am watching you let someone destroy you. I miss your smile and your laugh. I want those back. You’ve never let any obstacle in your life go unconquered. Why are you doing it now? If you love her, then go get her. No woman in her right mind can turn this face down.”
I reached over and wiped the tears from my mother’s determined face. “I need her to come to me. If we have a chance at a future, I need her to come to me. I’ve always taken what I wanted and conquered my trials, but nothing and no one has ever meant what she does. I can’t conquer her, Momma. I love her. I never want to make her do anything. Even love me. She has to love me all on her own.”
Momma let out a sob and wrapped her arms around me and held me to her. I closed my eyes and fought back the emotion threatening to let go. The last time my mother had seen me cry was when I was three and broke my arm falling off a trampoline. Even when Harlow had lain in a coma, I had cried in private.
I would never get over losing Reese. If she never came back to me, I’d be broken the rest of my life.
Reese
Another week passed by, and I managed to survive. It was all I was doing. With every day that went by, I felt like I was losing myself a little more. The horror of my past was slowly taking over. The progress I had achieved over the two years I’d been away was gone. I could no longer push away the memories of my stepfather.
Soon I would have to see a therapist. I wasn’t sleeping much at all now, and when I did, it wasn’t peaceful. The weight was falling off me, and I had dark circles under my eyes that I couldn’t cover up anymore. I needed help.
; The only thing holding me back was that I knew I’d have to talk about Mase.
I couldn’t talk about him. It hurt too much.
“Reese Ellis?” a female voice asked. I put down the beers I was loading into the drink cart’s icebox and turned around.
An attractive older lady with dark hair that curled under in a shoulder-length bob stood looking at me as if she was studying me. I knew she wasn’t a member here. The worn-out jeans and boots she was wearing didn’t look like anything the ladies here wore. Then there was the cowboy hat that sat back on her head. That was a dead giveaway that she was out of place.
“Yes?” I replied.
She didn’t smile or say anything right away. She continued to take me in. Although she wasn’t glaring at me, she looked as if she wanted to shake me.
I glanced around to see if there was anyone else around or just us.
“I imagined you’d be beautiful, but just like always, when my boy does something, he does it big,” she said, and a sad smile touched her lips.
I didn’t know what she was talking about or who she thought she was talking to. Saying thank you didn’t seem like the right thing to do.
“Those dark circles and the empty look in your eyes tell me all I need to know. So let me tell you what you need to know,” she said, taking a few steps toward me. “I’ve watched my son fight battles for everyone he’s ever loved and win. When he was seven, his cousin got picked on at school by a bully. My baby found out. The next thing I know, I have to go get my boy from school because he was suspended for wrapping another kid around the flagpole with duct tape. I was horrified. Until I found out the kid was the one who had been beating on his cousin. Calling him names and knocking him down in the halls. That particular day, the bully had stuck his cousin’s head in the toilet, with urine in it, and flushed. After the duct tape, no one messed with his cousin again.
“When he was ten, the librarian at his school, who brought him cookies every day and always saved him the best books, was being let go because the school board said they didn’t have the budget to keep a full-time librarian. Mrs. Hawks was in her seventies, but she loved those kids, and my boy was her favorite. So my baby got a petition together and then got different businesses in town to pledge funds and donate to the cause. Mrs. Hawks didn’t lose her job. In fact, he collected so much money she got a raise.