by Sharon Owens
‘Have it your own way,’ Tom said, leaving the door ever so slightly ajar and going out by himself. That dog of his was spoilt rotten.
As he crunched laboriously around the grounds, Tom’s mind couldn’t help going back to that solemn picture of Ruby and wondering how on earth she was going to cope. He’d been a widower for several years and he didn’t seem to be getting any better. In fact he thought he was getting worse. The more he cut himself off from people, the harder it was to get back into the swing of things. But, then again, the day had never come when he actually felt ready to start behaving ‘normally’ again.
Let’s face it, he thought. I am practically a social recluse.
And it was true. He hardly ever left the estate unless it was to run an errand for work.
At least Camberwell House and the gardens were looking as beautiful as ever. They were always at their best on a snowy day like today when the silently accumulating snow highlighted the formal topiary and the many architectural details of the house. Tom checked that all of the outbuildings were secure and then he collected Noah from the shed and drove home to his lonely cottage on the very edge of the estate.
His little home was surrounded on all sides by a dense planting of Christmas trees but since losing Kate he’d not bothered having one inside the house. Tom lit the fire, fed Noah, ate a microwave dinner and switched on the TV for company. But he barely watched what was on the screen. Noah lay on the sofa beside him, his wise eyes half closed with contentment.
‘What are we like, boy?’ Tom said softly, patting the dog’s head and then pulling a warm throw across his own chest. ‘A real barrel of laughs, the pair of us. Well, it’ll be a new year soon, Noah. I don’t want to tempt fate, but maybe next year I’ll stop being such a miserable sod. Maybe next year I’ll stop wishing it was me who’d died instead of Kate.’
It wouldn’t be a fresh start for Ruby though, he thought sadly. And he closed his eyes with the pain of remembering Kate’s funeral and the madness he’d felt in the months following it. Months when he thought he would go out of his mind with grief. Yes, Ruby’s agony was only just beginning.
6. The House
But yet life continued, as it always does. Even though it seemed to be moving in slow motion for Ruby O’Neill. And even for Jasmine Mulholland, who had missed out on all the festive fun and riotous New Year parties. In a few days Jasmine went back to her spotless apartment and Ruby spent countless hours curled up beside her Christmas tree, bathed in the warm red glow of the berry lights. Sometimes she would sit holding Jonathan’s new shoes in her hands. Sobbing loudly and having hot flushes of panic and then cold sweats of misery and then sleeping for hours and hours and hours.
The police came to see her twice, but nothing more could be done until the court case went ahead, they told her. They suggested Ruby join a bereavement group, but she said she wasn’t anywhere near ready to talk about what had happened. And furthermore she had no desire to be held up as the poster-girl for forgiveness and maturity. She wasn’t ready to forgive anybody for Jonathan’s death. Definitely not the lorry driver! And not even Jonathan himself! She’d asked him to take Christmas Eve off work so they could go and do some last-minute shopping together. Theodora had given herself and Jasmine a half-day off, after all, and so they’d closed the dress shop at lunchtime. But, no, Jonathan had said he had a difficult case to tie up and then there was the office party to go to. He couldn’t miss that or they’d all be teasing him and calling him an old woman. And then he had to make a quick dash to Ballynahinch…
No, Ruby wasn’t ready to start talking to the professionals just yet. She was still trying to come to terms with the reality of losing her husband in the first place. She had made no plans for the future, she told the police. No plans at all.
And that was why Ruby simply continued to get up in the mornings and get dressed and go walking quietly into work. She served the customers and she cleaned the shop and she chatted to Jasmine about trivial things. She placed Jonathan’s ashes on his bedside table and set a framed photograph of him in front of them. She wasn’t ready to do anything further with the little bronze urn. Every evening she wandered around the house, tidying rooms that were already tidy. And every night she cried herself to sleep or paced up and down the stairs like a restless ghost. She flushed the rest of her little white tablets down the loo and banned herself from buying any more alcohol. Another week of relying on brandy to get to sleep and she knew she’d be past the point of no return.
‘I’m not about to become a burden to anyone,’ she said bravely to her reflection in the bathroom mirror. ‘Least of all to poor Jasmine. I have nothing left now but my dignity and I’m sure as hell not going to throw that away along with everything else.’
Occasionally she rang her parents. And tried not to notice how little they rang her back. Her parents found any amount of excuses not to visit her in Belfast and she said she was too exhausted to go to see them in Muldoon. On a subconscious level both Ruby and her parents knew that their relationship wasn’t strong enough to cope with a death in the family.
The insurance people organized lots of legal papers for Ruby to sign. Jasmine’s mother sent regular food parcels. All the neighbours were very kind, sending flowers and asking if Ruby needed any errands running. Ruby thanked them all over and over and prayed for the day when she would wake up and start to feel normal again. Privately she didn’t think she would ever feel normal again.
Seven months later, however, the cogs and wheels of life were turned again by the mysterious hand of fate. The clothes shop where Ruby and Jasmine worked was put up for sale. The two women were given only three months to find other jobs. Surprisingly Jasmine was terribly upset. Normally the resilient type, Jasmine was almost in tears when Theodora told them she was finally selling the shop and retiring to Essex to live with her widowed sister Amelia. Ruby’s recent troubles had reminded her that time was very precious, she told them.
‘I see,’ Jasmine said sadly. ‘Well, I’ll definitely miss the old place. I’ve been very happy here. But obviously you must do what you think is for the best, Miss Kelly,’ she added, nodding her head as if she thought it was a terrific plan.
But the fact remained that Jasmine absolutely adored working in the classy shop and would rather have died than don a regulation supermarket body-warmer. If nothing better came along, that is. She had to work somewhere after all because she had rent to pay. Ruby on the other hand wasn’t too devastated. Yes, the shop had been her salvation since Jonathan’s death. It had given her a reason to get out of bed in the mornings and get dressed and eat breakfast. But a job was simply a job to Ruby and she knew she would find something else eventually. With the house paid for, thanks to Jonathan’s recent life-insurance cheque, and a fair amount of her own savings in the bank, Ruby knew she wouldn’t starve. Unlike Jasmine, who was determined to stand on her own two feet financially, and not go running home to her parents’ tiny terraced house on Sandy Row at the first sign of trouble!
‘Ah well! What a bummer! I’ll really miss working with you, Ruby,’ Jasmine said glumly when Theodora had given the shop a quick inspection and then gone to visit a friend for the day. ‘What are the chances we find new jobs in the same place? Or even close enough to meet for lunch every now and then?’
‘We might be lucky,’ Ruby said, polishing one of the display cabinets until it gleamed and then rearranging the costume jewellery within. ‘The new owner might keep us on here. And, if not, then we’ll surely be snapped up by somewhere else. With all of our experience in retail! Come on, love, cheer up.’
But Jasmine wasn’t so sure. Perhaps the other nice clothing shops would be finding it harder and harder to make a profit in the new economic downturn. She fretted about it all morning.
‘We could finish up in the Odyssey cinema, the pair of us. In red overalls or something! Shovelling fucking popcorn into those giant paper buckets,’ she sighed heavily. ‘Mopping vomit out of the bogs at midnight…’
‘Yes, that’d be a nice pendant if it was a bit smaller. But anyway, Ruby, I’m fed up. This shop was so handy to my flat as well.’
Jasmine loved her trendy one-bed apartment in the Bell Towers, a fabulous new housing development that was built on the site of the old Ormeau Convent. She was so proud of her airy home and its clean, modern lines and the generous built-in storage in the bedroom. She was always talking about her chocolate-brown kitchen counter-tops and her recessed bathroom spotlights. The rent was considerably higher than what she’d been paying in her last place. About one hundred and fifty pounds higher, to be precise. But Jasmine had solved that particular problem by giving up cigarettes and Lotto tickets. Not to mention Sky TV, drinking wine during the week and eating fish suppers that cost nearly five pounds a time.
‘Still enjoying the high life then?’ Ruby teased. Jasmine’s apartment was on the fifth floor of the complex. She had her own little wrought-iron balcony with potted plants on it and a metal chair for people-watching on Sunday afternoons.
‘Yes, I am, thanks for asking. I do love living on my own,’ Jasmine said happily, all delighted with herself despite the bad news about the shop being sold. And then she was quiet again, fearing she might have reminded Ruby of Jonathan’s death. ‘I mean, it was very strange at first, yes, living by myself. Worrying about burglars and possible weirdos in the other apartments and so on. And having nobody to talk to in the evenings was a bit lonely. But now it’s great! No mess and clutter belonging to other people! No need to listen to a lot of nonsense and gossip and boring trivia all the time. Though it would be nice to meet a decent man for a change and maybe have a little bit of old-fashioned romance. Though I don’t want to get lumbered with a live-in lover just yet obviously. And all that music crap that most guys seem to accumulate! Huge bloody speakers or amps or whatever they’re called. And crates of vinyl and at least two guitars gathering dust… Jonathan had guitars, didn’t he? Oh, I’m so sorry, Ruby. I’m making everything worse with my stupid rambling… I’ll make us a sneaky brew, shall I?’
(If Theodora knew they were drinking tea outside of their official lunch break, and in the actual shop itself instead of the kitchenette, she would give them both a stern lecture on Health and Safety.)
‘Yes, please,’ Ruby smiled. ‘I’m sure Theodora won’t be as quick to enforce the rules, now she’s selling up and moving on.’
Then, as they were thoughtfully sipping their mugs of Punjana, Ruby had an idea.
‘Jasmine Mulholland, brace yourself! This is going to sound mad, but I’m going to put in an offer for the shop,’ she announced in a breathless whisper.
‘You’re going to do what? An offer for the shop! For this place?’ Jasmine was completely surprised. ‘Can you really afford it?’ she asked, her heart fluttering with hope and excitement. Was it only a few months ago that Ruby had been dithering over buying a mere pair of shoes?
‘Yes, I think so. You see, I’m going to sell the house,’ Ruby said firmly.
‘But the cost of it, Ruby! I mean, Jesus Christ, the cost of it! I mean, do you think that’s wise? You have the house so nice.’
‘Yes, I know it’s lovely. But it’s time I downsized, don’t you think? I haven’t even cleared Jonathan’s things out of it yet. The whole place is like a shrine to him and I’m just pottering about in it since he died. Kissing his photograph in the middle of the night like some mad Victorian hermit.’ Ruby looked as if she was going to burst into tears, but then she took a deep breath and continued, ‘Jasmine, it’s now or never.’
‘But, still, moving house is a really big change to make at any time, in anyone’s life,’ Jasmine remarked carefully, worried that Ruby would sell her lovely home on a whim and then miss it dreadfully. ‘A bit too much for you to take on, maybe? He’s only been gone for seven months. Why not wait a bit longer?’
‘The shop will be sold to someone else if I wait a bit longer. And I will be able to cope with a big change. I’m thirty-two now, not seventy. Didn’t you swap your rickety old bedsit for a fabulous new place? No troublesome garden to maintain and a cute balcony to sip your morning coffee on! Didn’t you say your whole life was transformed by having decent storage in the bedroom, and lots of light flooding in through those big windows during the summer evenings?’
‘Well, yes, I know all that. But I had nothing to lose. I was only renting an old dump anyway. And I don’t remotely like gardening. And, besides, where will you live if you sell the house? Renting is only money down the drain. I only rent because I’ve no hope of getting a mortgage, not on my pay packet. I mean, I’ve only got one bedroom… oh, but you’re welcome to my sofa bed for a few weeks!’
‘Jasmine, love, don’t panic! There’s no need for you to worry about unwelcome lodgers cluttering the place up! I know what you’re thinking! Yes, I do. Jasmine, you sweetheart… Look, I know you love having your own space. But I won’t be crashing at your place! Isn’t there a perfectly good flat up there?’ Ruby nodded towards the stairs.
‘Oh yes… But it’s full of stock and spiders,’ Jasmine said in a gloomy voice. ‘And I don’t know if it’s a proper flat. There’s a loo, but no shower or bath. Wouldn’t you need to have a separate front door put in at street level? And that would mean a whole palaver with the rates office and the insurance people?’
‘I suppose there would be a lot of forms to fill in, yes. But sure what else have I got to do with my spare time? I always wanted to have my own business, but Jonathan was so sensible where money was concerned. He didn’t want us to take any major financial risks.’
‘Nothing wrong with being sensible,’ Jasmine said kindly, wiping a telltale cup-ring from the counter with a piece of kitchen paper.
‘Yes, I know. But Jonathan isn’t here any more to worry about taking financial risks, is he? It’s only a small shop I’ll be running, not a major factory. And besides when I’m in charge we can have a cup of tea whenever we like and we can leave the shop at lunchtime to run a few errands. And what’s more I’ll even allow you to go to the loo without asking my permission first.’
‘Wow, really? Why didn’t you say so? Now that’s a different matter altogether,’ said Jasmine, pretending to swoon with happiness behind the counter. ‘Though I promise not to leave the cash register unattended. But don’t say I didn’t warn you if you have any regrets down the line. Some people can get very emotionally attached to their houses.’
‘I think I’ll manage,’ Ruby smiled. ‘The house is far too big for me now. And as for the business – haven’t I worked here for years? I think I know how to run the place. And besides I did go to Art College in my younger days, you know? I do know a good design from a bad one.’
‘True. At least you wouldn’t have bought those great big pendants.’
‘I definitely wouldn’t, you’re right there. Okay, I’m going to have my house valued as soon as I can get it staged for the buyers. I need to do this, Jasmine. I need to move out of my comfort zone and do something new before this little burst of courage deserts me forever.’
‘Okay, Ruby. Good luck, love.’
‘Thank you.’
And so it was decided.
Theodora Kelly was delighted when Ruby told her she’d like to buy the shop. She agreed to give Ruby six weeks to get her finances in order before she accepted any other offer on the property. There was a steady stream of potential buyers to look at the premises but no firm bid on the table as the weeks went by. The looming recession was putting people off or so it seemed. And Ruby began to think that her dream of owning her own business might be coming true at last.
In the meantime she had a lot to do. Every evening after work she forced herself to choos
e at least five items belonging to her late husband and then she sorted them into poignant little bundles in the drawing room. One pile for the charity shop, one for the bin and one for keeping. On her day off she would take a stroll to the Action Cancer shop on Ormeau Road and hand over a couple of fat carrier bags full of clothes. Or she’d go sadly outside to the wheeled bin in the yard and have a private little cry before closing the lid on a pile of Jonathan’s old socks or rusty razors. She lovingly wrapped her most treasured personal items belonging to Jonathan in tissue paper, ready for the move. She wouldn’t have room for much in her new home so she kept only his wedding ring, his new shoes, his reading glasses and his good leather wallet. She donated his four acoustic guitars, his cameras and his massive collection of photography books to the local church community centre. As well as most of the dishes in the kitchen and a small dining set.
Eventually there was nothing left in the house except for the larger pieces of furniture and the carpets and curtains. And Ruby knew the moment had arrived when she finally had to let go of the marital home. Her hands shaking, she telephoned a local firm of decorators and arranged for the entire house to be repainted inside and out. A nice fresh ivory, she said, that would show off the house’s architectural details and high ceilings to perfection. When the paint was dry she had all the hardwearing beige carpets replaced with an expensive ivory wool blend. The old curtains were gently folded into bin bags and dropped off at the charity shop. She ordered some smart Roman blinds in a neutral fabric and marvelled at how pretty they looked and how much bigger the rooms appeared to be when they were drawn up. The tiny front and back gardens were neat and tidy already so there was nothing else to be done there except invest in a couple of tall, steel pots for the front doorstep and plant them up with fragrant lavenders.