by Sharon Owens
‘Did you have much family support when your wife… Kate… passed away?’ Ruby asked tentatively.
Tom blanched visibly, but Ruby knew that to say nothing at all about Kate would be much worse than bringing her up now.
‘Um, not really, I suppose. It was breast cancer she had.’
‘Was it? Oh dear. I’m so sorry, Tom.’
‘Thanks… Yes, Kate’s own family was too grief-stricken to comfort me all that much at the time, or after. We sort of retreated from each other a bit. It was just too difficult, to be fair to them. I reminded them of Kate, and they reminded me of her… It’s easier all round if we keep things at a distance. Of course, I ring her parents at Christmas, but that’s about it. Kate had four brothers, but they all live in Canada now. We don’t keep in touch.’
‘Yes, that can happen sometimes.’ Ruby served the casserole, thinking of her own parents. ‘A death in the family affects people in different ways.’
‘Yeah… I’ve no siblings myself. My parents live in India,’ he said. ‘They work for a charity there.’
‘Really? How amazing.’
‘Um, yeah,’ Tom sighed. Ruby thought he must miss them a lot.
Tom rinsed his hands under the kitchen tap and sat down carefully at the small bistro table. Ruby noticed that his long legs could barely fit underneath it and that his arms were huge and rippling with muscles. She tried very hard not to look at him as she poured boiling water into the teapot and brought bread, butter, cutlery, cups and the plates of casserole to the table.
‘Salt and pepper?’ she asked. ‘Sugar for your tea?’
‘I’m okay, thanks,’ he said, blushing again. She suddenly felt an urge to kiss him very hard on the lips. But didn’t, of course.
Ruby wondered if she ought to switch the radio on to fill up any awkward silences. But then again she didn’t want the intrusion of some gruffly spoken Belfast DJ complaining about the traffic congestion or the outrage of having only a fortnightly bin collection. She decided to leave the radio off and risk their lunch descending into silence. Tom lifted his fork and began to eat. Ruby looked away, not wanting him to feel nervous, but soon they were almost feeling relaxed, just sipping tea and enjoying each other’s company. A robin redbreast landed on the windowsill and peered in at them with its head to one side.
‘Oh look, a robin,’ Ruby said. ‘I think that one’s following me. I keep seeing a robin and I think it’s the same one. He always has his head to one side like that, as if he’s thinking about me. Or maybe I’m just going a bit daft in my old age.’
‘Lovely little birds,’ Tom agreed. ‘We have one at Camberwell too. Fat wee thing with long legs. Always perched on the handle of my spade, waiting for crumbs.’
‘Yes?’
‘I know it’s silly, but I’d miss him if he wasn’t there at least once a day. But you look forward to the smallest things when you’ve lost someone special.’
‘I know.’
‘It’s just so hard to talk to other people about ordinary stuff. Because you know they’re trying not to say the wrong thing back to you. And you’re trying so hard not to be a drain on their kindness. It’s tiring for me, to be honest. I’d rather dig over an entire field than try to socialize normally.’
‘Oh, I know what you mean,’ Ruby said, nodding. ‘I don’t go out much myself, but I have to keep telling Jasmine that it’s okay for her to go out. And then tell me about her dating exploits and so on. That I won’t break down with jealousy if she meets a nice guy some day.’
‘Yes, I understand.’
‘I don’t want the whole world to tiptoe around me forever,’ Ruby sighed.
‘Yes. Me neither.’
‘But I’m not quite ready to put on my dancing shoes…’
‘Me neither…’ said Tom.
‘No.’
‘Though if you were ever at a loose end… it’d be nice to go for a walk maybe… and have a chat or whatever? Just if you found yourself with time on your hands and all your other friends were busy?’
‘Well, thank you, Tom. I did have lots of friends, casual friends as well as very dear friends, but they’ve kind of dropped away these last two and a half years,’ Ruby said slowly, to avoid having to give Tom a direct answer to his invitation. ‘I think they’re afraid to come near me in case the Grim Reaper lets go of my hand and follows them home instead.’
‘Tell me about it,’ Tom said, and he laughed out loud with empathy. ‘You can almost see them thinking about death whenever you enter the room. Like it’s catching… It’s not like I enjoy being bereaved or that I’m proud of it in some way. It’s not my fault that Kate died. She had no real symptoms until it had spread and then it was too late. It just happened, you know? Cancer happens to lots of people and there’s no point in denying it exists.’ But Ruby could tell he was still putting a brave face on his grief.
‘Believe me, I understand,’ she said gently. ‘I used to think it was my fault that Jonathan died because I wanted him to hurry home so we could decorate the Christmas tree together. And he would’ve known that, do you see? He would’ve known I was watching the clock that night. And maybe he was driving too fast on my account.’
Tom nodded to show he understood.
‘But in my heart I know there’s no one to blame when these things happen,’ she went on. ‘It wasn’t his fault either. He was hit by another vehicle. So I can’t blame Jonathan and I can’t blame myself. Of course, I can blame the other driver, but where would that get me? It wouldn’t bring Jonathan back. It’s just life. And life isn’t always fair.’
‘Yes. I mean, no, it isn’t fair,’ Tom agreed sadly.
‘So anyway is your meal okay?’
‘It’s lovely, thanks.’
‘And, yes, it’d be nice to go for a walk sometime,’ Ruby said after a minute.
‘Really?’ Tom asked, slightly shaken with relief.
‘Yes, surely. I’ll give you my business card and we’ll keep in touch. Okay?’ Ruby said, slipping him one from her handbag.
‘Okay. I’ll give you Camberwell’s card too. You can leave me a message at the main house, if you like.’
‘You don’t have a phone where you live?’ Ruby asked, puzzled.
‘No. I never bothered getting one installed when I moved into the cottage. I don’t have a mobile phone either. I had one years ago, but then I dropped it and it broke and I didn’t bother getting a new one. Though I must get one soon. It’s silly of me to have left it for so long. I hate mobiles anyway; they’re so fiddly to use when you’ve got big hands.’
‘Yes, they must be,’ Ruby smiled.
‘Nobody phoned me anyway except Mrs Kenny to ask me for a lift to work sometimes. If the weather’s really rotten.’
‘I see.’
They finished their meal and then Ruby walked her guest back down the stairs again and on to the street.
‘Thank you very much,’ he said simply. ‘I enjoyed that.’
‘So did I,’ Ruby said.
He gave her one of Camberwell’s business cards from his jacket pocket. It was a little bit creased round the edges. Ruby laughed suddenly.
‘You need a fancy wallet to keep those in,’ she said.
‘Do I?’ Tom looked confused.
‘No. I’m only joking,’ she assured him.
‘Oh. Okay then, bye,’ Tom said, turning to go.
‘Bye,’ Ruby said gently.
They gazed at each other for a moment and then Tom set off down the street, taking long strides with his long legs. Ruby watched him go for a few minutes and then she turned her head towards the shop window.
Jasmine was practically kneeling in the bay window, spying on them with her eyes like saucers. Ruby pursed her lips together and narrowed her eyes in mock-rage and poor Jasmine sprang from the window and fled into the kitchenette to hide.
‘It’s okay, Jasmine. I’m not going to kill you,’ Ruby said when she returned to the shop twenty minutes later. ‘Not today anyway.’
‘We swapped numbers,’ Ruby admitted. ‘But I don’t know if he’ll ever call me.’
‘He’ll call,’ Jasmine said knowingly.
‘We’ll see.’
‘C’mere,’ Jasmine said then. ‘If we just set these fancy boxes on the windowsills, they’ll be nicked for sure. I’ll phone my dad. He’ll come right over and do something useful with his screwdriver.’
And then for some reason Ruby and Jasmine collapsed into helpless giggles.
‘Are you happy, Ruby?’ Jasmine asked, a short while later.
‘Yes, I suppose I am,’ Ruby replied. ‘Or at least I’m getting there.’
‘Well then, that’s the fifth secret of happiness,’ Jasmine declared triumphantly.
‘What is?’ Ruby asked.
‘Good deeds. You must do as many good deeds as you can,’ Jasmine answered. ‘I’ve been plotting to set the two of you up on a date for ages. And then I thought about the good deed that Tom did when he drove us home that day in the storm. And so I thought I’d send him a thank-you card just to see what his reaction would be. And I mentioned the flowers, just to give him an excuse to get in touch. I was hoping he’d come by for a visit. And he did.’
‘Yes, he did,’ Ruby agreed. ‘But the next time you feel like doing me a good deed promise me you’ll have the decency to let me know well in advance. Oh, and by the way I want you to have the pink handbag as a reward for being such an unholy meddler in my personal affairs. Okay?’
Jasmine just nodded her thanks as Ruby handed her the pink velvet evening bag from her collection. For once in her life Jasmine wasn’t able to have the last word.
22. The Date
As it happened, Ruby didn’t have long to wait for Tom’s phone call. For later that evening she was just about to step into an almond-scented bubble bath when the phone began to ring.
‘Now who’s that?’ she said, yawning widely, never imagining it would be Tom Lavery himself.
‘Hello? Is that Ruby?’ he said in an anxious voice. ‘It’s Tom here. Tom Lavery.’
‘Oh. Hi, Tom,’ she replied. An adrenaline surge started up somewhere near her stomach.
‘I know this is probably too soon, but would you like to go out for dinner next week? With me?’
‘Um, next week?’ Ruby said, playing for time.
‘Yes. Or any time you like? Whatever suits. Or just a walk around the Botanic Gardens or something?’
What to do? Ruby bit her lip with indecision. But then she remembered the fun she and Jasmine had had, betting each other that Tom would or wouldn’t phone back. She hadn’t laughed so much in ages. And so she forced herself to accept Tom’s invitation.
‘Yes, thanks,’ she said as casually as she could. ‘That would be lovely.’
So now here they were, facing each other over a very small table, in a near-empty restaurant, near the Botanic Gardens in the heart of Belfast. Tom had suggested this restaurant because he knew he could see the trees from the main window and in some strange way he felt this would make him less nervous. Ruby was glad the place was almost deserted. She felt as if she was somehow cheating on Jonathan, and the last thing she wanted was to bump into someone who’d known them both. Even though she knew in her heart that this was a silly thought.
‘You look lovely,’ Tom said over his menu as they both pretended to give the dishes on offer some serious thought.
‘Thank you very much,’ Ruby said quietly. ‘You don’t look too bad yourself.’
Tom had obviously had a haircut and had bought himself a new jacket and shoes. He hoped Ruby wouldn’t think he was trying too hard. But Ruby had also spent days deciding what to wear. And in the end she’d chosen a 1950s-style red frock and shoes complete with red lipstick and a cute pillbox handbag.
‘Thanks. But really you do look lovely.’
‘I’ve probably gone way overboard,’ she laughed then. ‘But I always overdo it when I’m nervous.’
‘I didn’t mean to make you nervous,’ he said at once.
‘No, no, not in that sense. It’s not you personally that’s making me nervous,’ she added hastily. ‘It’s just that I haven’t been out for dinner like this with anyone else but Jonathan.’
‘Oh, okay.’
‘We met when I was a student, do you see? So before that I only ever went to the cinema or the pub with my dates.’ Ruby then blushed slightly and decided she’d have the soup and then the chicken. And a bottle of house white! Probably the quickest items on the menu, she reckoned. If this meal turned out to be excruciatingly embarrassing, at least it’d all be over in an hour or so.
‘I’ll have the same,’ Tom said to the waitress a minute later and Ruby was glad he wasn’t a fussy eater.
‘Anyway this is nice,’ Ruby told him cheerfully. ‘I haven’t been out anywhere new in ages. Not at all! Not since, well, since… You know what I mean. It feels funny. Funny and strange…’
‘Yes, it does. This is my first meal out in over six years.’
‘No? Really?’
‘Yes. The time has just flown. I never intended letting six years pass me by. But somehow it has. I guess I just never felt ready to return to normality.’
‘I feel like that sometimes. Will we ever be normal again?’ she added, smiling sadly.
‘Ruby, listen, I really like you.’
‘That’s okay, Tom, I like you too. Let’s just talk about other things for a while and see how it goes.’
‘Okay.’
And so they chatted amicably through the two courses and then ordered coffee. Ruby learnt that Tom had once played rugby for his county and also that he knew how to sail. He wasn’t from a wealthy family himself, but he’d gone to a good grammar school and had made some well-off friends there. They’d taught him how to sail and also encouraged his interest in professional gardening. Kate, on the other hand, had been from a very rich family. Her family owned a string of department stores in England. She’d left Tom a lot of money in her will, but he’d given it all to a cancer-research charity within a month of her funeral.
‘You must think I’m quite shallow by comparison,’ Ruby said shyly. ‘I spent all my money on a silly dress shop.’
‘Not at all, Ruby. I think you’ve been very brave and sensible. Sometimes I think I should’ve kept a bit of that money and taken early retirement. I work far too hard for what they pay me at Camberwell.’
‘Maybe that was exactly why you did give it away, Tom. So you’d be forced to go on working and doing something useful. Keeping yourself busy, you know?’
‘Yes, probably.’ Tom nodded.
Ruby gazed into his dark brown eyes and felt something turn over in her heart. Tom Lavery was very handsome in his own way. If you liked your men weather-beaten and muscular and chronically depressed, that is. She wondered briefly if he’d ever be fun again and if he’d ever laugh out loud again. Really laugh. And if she would.
‘Let’s go for a walk,’ she suggested, and Tom swiftly paid the bill and helped her with her jacket.
Outside the air was full of the clean scents of freshly cut grass and spring flowers coming into bloom. They went in through the massive green wrought-iron gates of the park. Rhododendron bushes lined the paths and Ruby could smell hothouse hyacinths. It was almost dark, but Ruby felt safe walking along beside Tom. Surely those massive shoulders of his would scare off the most determined mugger?
‘Thanks for dinner, Tom,’ she said softly, and he almost jumped at the way she said his name. Almost tenderly, as if they were lovers already or something.
Ruby felt a tiny bit embarrassed at his discomfort, but she let it go. They were just walking together, weren’t they? They were two lonely people strugg
ling to find the right things to say to one another. They were alive and well, even though most of the time it felt as if they were only watching the world on a television screen.
‘Tom, listen, would it be okay if we held hands?’ she said suddenly, her heart pounding with nerves. It must have been the wine making her so bold, she thought to herself. But surely he wouldn’t be too surprised. He had said he liked her…
‘Sure we can.’
Tom looked down at Ruby’s hands and she looked at his.
‘I’d love to hold hands with a man again; it’s been such a long time. Two and a half years… And I always loved holding hands with Jonathan. It’s silly but it’s one of the things I missed most about him. I hope you don’t think I’m quite mad?’
Tom stopped walking, took both of Ruby’s hands reverently in his and then, ever so slowly, he bent forward and kissed her softly on the cheek. The softest kiss imaginable, like a butterfly’s wing brushing against her skin. Immediately Ruby felt a bolt of electricity shoot through her entire body, and she had to try really hard not to let him see how attracted to him she was. She felt a bit reckless, if she was honest with herself. She felt like making love to Tom right then and there. Jonathan had never made her feel quite this reckless… He’d been a much better-looking man than Tom and he’d been much more charming and confident in himself, but Ruby hadn’t ever felt like tearing his clothes off in a public place and committing an act of gross indecency. She had a fleeting image of Tom and herself together, tumbling about in the shrubbery, covered with rhododendron petals.
‘Was that all right?’ Tom asked, bringing her out of her reverie.
‘Yes, thanks. It was very nice,’ she told him, perspiring with equal amounts of emotion and desire.
‘Can I kiss you properly?’ Tom asked. ‘Sometime?’
‘Yes, sometime,’ Ruby agreed, walking onwards then and feeling a new and wonderful sensation in her heart. Something new and fresh like a bird singing. Tom kept hold of one hand. They blushed a little as they walked.
No, she told herself. I will not think about tomorrow or the next day or the day after that. I’ve been doing that all my life and where has it got me? Just live in the moment, Ruby. For once in your life, just live in the moment.