by Karis Walsh
Cara picked up one of the cookies she’d broken and handed half to Pickwick before eating the rest. “Lenae isn’t mine in any sense of the word. But keep your ocean-pruned fingers off her, anyway.”
Tess laughed. “Yeah, you don’t sound perturbed by her at all. I’ll keep my distance, though, until you decide what you really want.”
Tess’s words caught Cara off guard. What she really wanted. Did she even know? Had she ever known? She finished chewing and reached for another cookie. She had spent most of her life trying to make her parents proud while detesting the way they only responded to her if her looks and voice were right for a part. She had given up on most of the childish need for their approval—but not all of it—and instead had gone through the same tug-of-war within herself, withholding her own self-approval when she used her talent and camera-ready face to accomplish her goals. Lenae had helped her find a way to unite the two sides of herself, to give in to her love of talking and sharing with an audience without condemning herself for feeling happiness or pride when she performed well. In Lenae’s opinion, the good Cara did was magnified by her joy of doing it, not diminished by it.
Until Cara was offered a bigger and better job, far away from Lenae’s center. How much of Lenae’s anger was triggered by Cara possibly leaving Pickwick behind? And how much by the expectation that Cara would so dismissively leave Lenae herself behind, after what they’d shared?
What did she want? She didn’t want Tess coming on to Lenae, she was sure of that at least. “Since you’re so skilled at setting up buffets, why don’t you concentrate on arranging these fruit trays. They’ll keep your mind off Lenae.”
“Message received,” Tess said with a good-natured smile. “No poaching.”
Cara gave her friend a quick hug and walked over to the students who were setting up the projection equipment. She went over last-minute details with them, including a long list of potential problems and how to handle them. The seats were filling up fast, but still no Lenae. Cara sighed and went into one of the smaller rooms to change.
*
“There she is,” Des said as he and Lenae walked into the room. “Nope, now she’s gone.”
“I don’t need to talk to her,” Lenae told him, swatting him lightly on the arm. “I just want to sit in the back row and hear her film. She worked hard on it, and I’m interested to find out what her students learned in this seminar.”
“Yes, it’ll be a fascinating and intellectual evening,” Des replied in a tone obviously mocking her own. “We’ll experience the production without caring one iota about the stunning woman who produced it. Why don’t I seat you behind a pillar so no one will know you’re here?”
“Behind a pillar will be just fine, smart aleck,” Lenae said. She kept her arm linked with Des’s while still holding Baxter’s harness. She needed the support of both tonight, even though Des had been nagging her to talk things out with Cara for the past two weeks. Lenae had done enough talking. She wanted to hear Cara’s story in film—she owed her that much at least—but she didn’t need more exposure to Cara in person. She was devastated about Cara leaving, but she had built a curious distance between them already. Whenever she thought of Pickwick without Cara, she started to cry, but she wouldn’t shed tears for herself. She was only here because she needed to hear Cara tell her own story, to share the magnitude of her need to please her parents, and to therefore understand why she was moving to take this new job regardless of the connections keeping her in place. Cara wasn’t like Traci, only out for herself. Cara was after something much more powerful and elusive, external approval from parents who seemed incapable of giving her any meaningful praise or support.
“Uh-oh, she saw us,” Des said. “Sorry I didn’t fling you behind the totem pole in time.” He raised his voice. “Hey, Cara.”
“Hi, Des. Lenae.”
Lenae managed to choke out a hello, still shocked by the way Cara’s voice saying her name could send an electric charge through her body. The current was too strong to resist, but Lenae had to fight her attraction. Cara was leaving. She was flying off to New York to lose her identity even more in her parents’ goals. Lenae had to hope Cara eventually found what she needed.
“I’ll find the two of you seats on the aisle so Baxter will have room,” Cara said. She touched Lenae’s arm and Lenae tried not to flinch because Cara’s hand felt too good, too familiar. “I’m really glad you came.”
“Me, too,” Lenae said, still in her stiff voice. She followed Baxter to the seats Cara had chosen and sat next to Des. He described the room in detail to her, making her feel fully part of the experience and keeping her from doing her disappearing act.
Cara had put them far enough away from the crowd so Des was able to whisper quietly to her through the opening segments. He described the images on the screen while she listened to each student’s voiceover. Some of them focused on their family influences, others on cultural ones, but each of them had captured the essence of who they were and what forces—combined with their personal experiences—had shaped them into the young adults they were today. Lenae was impressed by the level of thought and self-reflection each had accomplished. She could almost hear Cara’s voice as she worked with her kids, encouraging them to go deeper, to find kernels of truth and meaning in their life histories. Lenae hoped Cara gave herself due credit for leading her class to such a level of honest exploration.
“Here’s Cara’s segment,” Des whispered. “The first picture is her in a detergent ad. She’s wearing—”
Lenae put her hand on his arm to stop him. “I’ll just listen,” she said. Cara had invited her here tonight. Anything she wanted Lenae to know would be there for her to hear.
Cara’s voice-over began:
Like the totem pole outside this building, my life has been built in three stages. Foundation. Stretching and growth. Learning to fly.
I was grounded by the influences of my parents, their parents, my extended family. Performers and entertainers, all. Self-worth was defined not by self but by the projection of some other self.
Lenae could imagine the types of pictures on the screen. Cara in cute outfits, holding boxes of cereal or soap for the camera, looking like a small star instead of a real, live child. Family portraits showing big smiles and loving looks, while the reality of coldness and disregard hovered under the surface, unseen. She ached for the little girl who had learned that performance equaled love—but a version of love that lasted only as long as the next television ad.
I rejected those ideals and values, but part of me clung to the past. Rising out of it, taking inborn talent and early training but trying to elevate it into something better. Something to make myself proud, not just my family. But the roots were too ingrained. The more I pulled myself upward, the more I felt bound to repeat the past.
Cara in the middle, caught between the screen world and the real world she was fighting to protect through her show and teaching. Both so fragile. Lenae wasn’t sure what images were on the screen, but she thought of Cara filming her Around the Sound segment at Lenae’s center. Cara struggling to let go of control as Toby led her to Starbucks. Cara voicing her disapproval of puppy walkers in what Lenae now knew was an unusual release of personal opinion. Her impassioned diatribe against what she saw as heartless abandonment. Lenae understood Cara much better now. If she could go back in time, to that day when they sat on the floor of the puppies’ enclosure, she’d be able to hear the pain behind Cara’s words. She wouldn’t have taken the comments so personally, hearing them as criticisms of her own work. Even now, she wanted to find Cara and hold her, just as she wished she’d done back then.
The eagle on top of the totem pole is poised for flight, yet still connected to the past. Talons grip the essential elements of who I am, what I do, what and whom I love, while wings carry me out of the endless cycle of criticism and unworthiness. Not rejecting the past, but grabbing the parts that will help me reach the heights of who I am and who I can be.
> The new show? Lenae wondered if stills of Cara and Pickwick on the New York set were on the screen right now. Did Cara believe the job of host would lay her demons to rest? Would she finally be reaching and helping enough people, with her expanded audience, to make her feel worthwhile? If so, then Lenae had no choice but to support Cara’s move.
*
Cara watched the final images unfold in front of her. Her and Pickwick, both smiling for the camera. A photo one of her students had taken when she was unaware and planting the hanging basket for Lenae. After-the-show shots of her with the Baer kids, muddy and smiling as she planted seedlings on the prairie, laughing with Lenae and the other puppy walkers. Finally, a picture of her and her class, with Pickwick front-and-center.
Cara turned her attention to Lenae when the film ended, and applause broke out in the room. Lenae had given her the wings she needed to break free from her past. Even at the start of this project, Cara had been focused on the past and how it had shaped her. She had learned to look forward instead, to surround herself with a family that would help her shape the future into anything she wanted. Lenae had helped by showing Cara the rightness of using skills she enjoyed to share stories she believed were important, both on her television show and in her classroom. Cara didn’t know if Lenae would understand what she had been trying to convey in the film, but she hoped her words were enough.
Lenae and Des slipped out of the room while Cara was being bombarded by the students and their friends and families. Cara was disappointed not to have another chance to talk to Lenae, but she’d see her soon enough at the next puppy class. In the meantime, she shared the thrill of a well-received performance with her students.
Later, while Cara was folding chairs with the rest of her class, she realized she hadn’t felt a letdown after filming her part of the project. Her students, the people she spotlighted on her show, even herself—they were making a small part of the world better in their own way. When she first went to Lenae’s center, she had wondered whether Lenae might finally be the one to change her mind, to show her there really was hope and love behind the stories she shared. Unexpectedly, amazingly, Lenae had been the one.
Chapter Twenty-seven
Lenae waited impatiently for her puppy-walking class to arrive. The news crew was setting up in the training arena, so she knew Cara wouldn’t be canceling again. She listened as the cars drove in, waiting for the distinctive sound of Cara’s Toyota to pull into the parking area.
Gene and Toby had made significant improvement in their relationship over the past week. He’d been shaken by the possibility of losing Toby and had been forced to confront the potential results of his anger. He had cared too much for the dog to let him go—and Lenae felt relieved by the validation of her instincts. If Toby and Gene hadn’t had the potential to be a strongly bonded pair, then he would have let her take Toby away without trying to change, to fight for him. It would take time, but they were on a better path.
Lenae had given herself the same talk she’d given Gene. She was going to lose Cara if she didn’t fight for her. If she didn’t get past her own fears, her own struggle to be so independent that she pushed others away. She had to admit she needed and loved Cara if she wanted a chance to be with her. That meant making difficult choices, but the possibility of love was worth it.
Cara still hadn’t arrived when it was time to begin, and Lenae wondered if she’d waited too long. Would she go to New York without saying good-bye? Send someone to deliver Pickwick back to the center instead of coming herself?
She started the class, trying to gather her thoughts and focus on the lesson plan. She went through the motions of answering questions and discussing each puppy’s past week’s experiences, but her thoughts were centered on Cara. Would she arrive soon? Would she be willing to listen to what Lenae had to say? She felt anxious about what she needed to express, the way Cara needed to hear her words. Baxter pressed close as he always did when she was upset, and she felt his change in posture immediately, alerting her to the arrival of Cara and Pickwick. Lenae continued her lecture as if nothing had happened. As if her world hadn’t suddenly righted itself.
*
Cara slipped into the back of the room and sat on the floor. Pickwick strained at his leash, pulling toward Baxter, while the news crew repositioned the camera so it was focused on Cara. She ignored it, only able to concentrate on Lenae. She hadn’t spoken to her much since the night of Richard’s play, hadn’t seen Lenae since her class film. She hadn’t realized how much a part of her life Lenae had become until she wasn’t there. Everything reminded her of Lenae. Pickwick, the scent of Chanel in her car after their drive to Seattle, even the old ashtray that she’d made for her dad. She was anxious to hear Lenae’s comments about the film, but afraid at the same time. What if Lenae hadn’t heard what she had been trying to say?
Lenae’s lecture was on different ways to keep the puppies entertained when they had a lot of downtime, during workdays or long trips in the car. Cara’s solution to Pickwick’s boredom was to let him chew on whatever item was nearest at hand and most easily replaced, but of course Lenae had more practical solutions. Cara jotted some of them down in a notebook covered with holes made by Pickwick’s teeth. She hoped the marks wouldn’t show up on film.
After the lesson, when the other puppy walkers were starting the more informal conversational part of the evening, Cara filmed the main portion of her weekly news spot. Since she’d missed a week of filming, she described going to New York with Pickwick, explaining in detail what it had been like to have a puppy in the airplane cabin and how he had handled the flight and hotel stay. She even shared the story of the karaoke bar, making it funny and light when her memories of being there with Lenae were sultry and warm. She couldn’t talk about the trip without memories of her and Lenae tangled together in bed, and she wondered how flushed she looked. She was surprised they didn’t stop filming to cover her in concealing powder.
She was about to wrap up the segment when Lenae and Baxter came over.
“Do you mind if I say a few words?” Lenae asked.
“On-camera?” Cara knew Lenae avoided being on-air whenever possible. She’d been wonderful and funny on the morning show, but obviously relieved when the cameras were off again.
“Yes. Please?”
“Of course,” Cara said, curious about what Lenae might want to say. “I’ll do a quick intro in case there are new viewers who haven’t seen the spot before.”
Cara introduced Lenae and was about to step out of the shot when Lenae took her hand and kept her close.
“I’m sure many of you saw Cara and Pickwick on Morning Across America,” she said, facing the camera, but holding tightly to Cara’s hand. “The producers of the show, like everyone who watched, were impressed by her. By her beauty and talent. But even more, by her desire to touch the hearts and lives of those who watch her. She’s made us proud locally by sharing stories of hope and love on Around the Sound, and now she’ll have a chance to reach even more people as a host on the morning show.”
“But I—”
Lenae squeezed Cara’s hand. “Please, let me finish.” She turned away from the camera and toward Cara. “When you first came to the center to film, I didn’t expect to like you, much less fall in love with you. But I have. Cara, I want to be with you, whether you’re here or in New York. I won’t stand in the way of your chance to be a national star, but I’d like to share that journey with you.”
Cara was speechless as she let Lenae’s words settle into her heart. Lenae was as private as Cara’s family was public, so for her to broadcast her feelings this way meant more to Cara than she could express. Lenae was stepping into her world, and her actions meant everything to Cara because she understood the effort behind them.
“I don’t want you to share that life with me,” Cara said. She felt Lenae start to pull away, but she tightened her grip on Lenae’s hand. “I don’t want that life for myself, either. I never accepted the job in the fi
rst place. Everyone just assumed I had, including you.”
“But it was such a great opportunity…how could you…?”
“I have what I want right here. My show, my puppy, my students. Most of all, you.”
Cara stepped forward and kissed Lenae, expressing everything she couldn’t—for once in her life—put into words. Love and gratitude and hope. Pickwick jumped on her leg, wanting to be part of the action, and she and Lenae broke apart, laughing.
“You love me?” Lenae asked, laying her hand on Cara’s cheek.
“I love you,” Cara said, kissing her again.
“And that’s a wrap.” The producer shut off the camera with a smile. “Let’s give these two some privacy.”
*
Cara sang out, loudly and off-key, as Lenae led her through her tidy apartment, like she had so long ago when she came to tell Lenae she didn’t want to be a puppy walker. She hadn’t thought the day would end, with all the congratulations and comments from Des, the training class, and the television crew. Finally, everyone had gone home and Lenae and Cara were alone. Together.
Lenae reached for Cara’s shirt buttons, but Cara grabbed Lenae’s hands and held them still. “You were really going to move to New York with me? Give up your center and your five-year plan?”
Lenae smiled. “You’re my new long-term plan. I’d have made it work. As long as I was with you, nothing else mattered.”
Cara marveled at the words. The hurt was still present, but the joy of hearing Lenae say she loved her was beginning to eclipse the pain.