He cups my face with one hand. I want the warmth of his touch to heal me. I know he wants to be that for me, but could he? Could I expect that much, and could he deliver?
“Yes, you will. I’m going to prove you can trust me.”
“Prove. Yeah? Sometimes I want to poke you just to make sure you’re real.” I chuckle. My voice grows caustic as I continue. “You have no idea what could happen to you in the next day or week or month. What if some gorgeous creature comes along and you can’t manage your feelings? Minutes ago, you said feelings don’t consider time. They just happen whenever they want and arrive in any form or size. So, how do I trust a guy who says that? Did you feel this way about Sela?”
“I loved Sela. There will always be a part of me that will. But she’s made a choice, and I’ve made one too. I moved on. And you came into my life at a time when my heart was ready to love again. You make sense to me.”
“I’m trying to make sense of everything, trying to be open.” Inhaling a giant breath, I stare at the heavens. It’s crazy that one person can damage another so much. Crazy that I allowed it to happen to me. “Let it go,” I whisper. Two stars fall one second after the other, and I grab Hunt’s hand.
“You okay?” he asks, raising his eyebrow.
“Stay with me? In my bed. Stay with me longer. Just stay.” My neck prickles and my heart beats in wild skips when I stare at him. He’s the everything-I-hoped-he’d-be kind of guy.
“Yes,” he says. “Always if you’d like.”
“You want to sleep out here? Under the stars?”
I’ve forgotten how black the night could become without stars. My god, to look up to see them glow and the way they connect, the way they dance and form lines that become images, well, I’d call that trust. Things a million miles away are forming relationships, and I’m next to a man who makes the hair on my skin bristle. I have been closing my ears to the beautiful sound of hope.
“Yeah. Okay, out here. It’s beautiful.”
Hunt smiles, his eyes brightening with what I might call lust.
“Are you going to tear my clothes off?” I ask, smirking.
He chuckles then rubs his nose along the curve of my neck, and he whispers in a hoarse voice, “Yes, I am. I’m going to shred them, and then I’m going to shred your lacy underthings.”
My insides flutter at the thought of how he’ll make me feel. All of these new things electrifying.
He places a tiny kiss on my pout then says, “But I promise you I will not shred your heart.”
“I’m starting to believe you,” I answer. My demons slither away when he gazes at me. And in his eyes I see no lies.
Promises can hide in lies the way they can in truths, but tonight, under this sky and with this man, I’m going to believe in my gut and trust, because right now, all I want is him and his kisses and the beautiful feeling inside me.
Naked, with Hunt in my arms, I wake up next to a man for the first time in my life. We didn’t have sex but we did have beautiful. We had a deepening connection, and another few steps. Tucking my head under the blanket, I press my face against his bare chest to smell us. I smile, shake my head, and then place my ear over his heart.
“The ones that skip real fast,” he says in a low rumble, “those are for you.”
“That’s a lot of skipping,” I say as his fingers trace my spine.
“I’m falling, little bluebird, and nothing’s going to stop me.”
I swallow deeply a few times, warmth spreading through me. “Please don’t blindside me,” I mouth as unease snakes through me. Flipping onto my back, I stare up at the clouds. Cottony wisps form shapes I name. Raven. Headless dove. Dagger. I bite my knuckle as my pulse dances.
“Not even you and the way you’re getting tensed up or the way your brain is working overtime can stop me from all the good things I’m feeling.” Hunt places a soft kiss on my temple while brushing strands of hair aside.
He loves me. Falling in love. Is that even possible already? How can he name what we have?
“Joy trumps fear,” I say as a butterfly floats above us, dipping down then zipping away. Let him love you if he can.
In a hushed tone and with his hand lying over my heart, he says, “Try to remember that.”
In the distance, a rooster crows, and I turn my head toward the sound. The sun is rising above the mountains. Inch by luminous inch, it climbs, its full reveal an explosion to my eyes. The faint smell of smoke skirts up my nose as it does every morning. I assume it’s all the ranch campfires left smoldering through the night.
Hunt kisses my now-closed eyelids. His affection and his ability to calm me are remarkable.
“Hey, would you join me tonight on the ridge? It would mean a lot to have you there when I let the wind take my grandfather and scatter his remains across the mountains.”
When I open my eyes, he’s hovering over my face, and I answer, “Of course I will. I’d be honored.”
He grins and rubs his nose to mine. “I could be wrong, but I think you’re starting to like me. More.”
“I think you’re a good man.”
“I’m looking forward to the day you say I’m a good man and a good lover.”
“Are you?”
“You give me the word and I’ll show you just how good.”
Hunt’s lips land on mine in a deep, slow kiss, which is interrupted seconds later by the trampling sound of hooves racing toward us. A sense of dread hits me in the gut, and the moment Tuck and Wild Bill come to a dust-twisting standstill, I know why.
“Hunt, Jesus, the cottage!” Tuck yells. His chest heaves and his wild eyes scream at us as his horse whips around then paws at the earth, snorting and dancing.
Hunt shoots up like a rocket, grabbing a blanket to cover himself.
“It’s gone,” Wild Bill grunts out as he wipes his brow and shakes his head. “Burned to the ground. Must have been recent.”
“The fuck?” Hunt yells. “What are you talking about? We were just there a few days ago.”
Nausea grips my stomach as I cover my mouth.
“Gone.” Tuck spins his horse to face the mountains, shaking his head as he takes his cowboy hat off. “Did you leave a fire or anything?”
I burst into tears as Hunt staggers to the edge of the deck.
“Fuck no!” he yells then twists around to me.
“I must have forgotten a candle,” I whisper. My throat clenches as I work to find words. “I don’t know. I’m sorry. Oh, Jesus…I’m so sorry.”
I was delirious from our day, and I must have left one somewhere. I retrace my steps. The pantry? Or when I moved a few around while Hunt was readying lunch? Now, all I’ve added to that memory is a stain. I’ve done it again: taken beauty and turned it into pain. Not just for me, but for Hunt.
“Not as fucking sorry as I am. The fire… I know it was dead. But the candles.” He storms in circles, his clenched jaw moving faster than my heart. “Goddammit!”
I want to sink into the earth. I did this. I wring my hands then wrap myself in my blanket and stand. When I walk toward Hunt, he throws me a glare that makes me stumble and fall.
Tuck dismounts and hands his reins to Wild Bill. He scales the steps two at a time and helps me up. “Christ, go easy on her, Hunt. It was an accident, dude,” he says, holding my shaking shoulders.
A different man than I’ve seen comes to life as Hunt’s chest heaves, veins in his neck bulging like they might burst. His eyes darken, and my spine prickles when he speaks to Tuck.
“An accident just like you and Luella? Or is it that she was pregnant and you wanted her gone so you wouldn’t have to deal with the responsibility of a kid?”
Tuck grips the back of his neck and his face reddens.
“Yeah, I fucking knew,” Hunt says. “And it wasn’t mine. I can guarantee you it wasn’t my goddamned baby you killed that day along with her!”
“Just let the dead go,” Tuck says in a dark tone. His jaw clenches as he narrows his eyes on Hun
t. “Leave Luella be.”
I inch toward Hunt, my head spinning. I reach out for his arm, but the chill in his eyes and the way they pierce through me leave me breathless. “I thought I blew them out,” I whisper, my words barely audible. “I must have missed one. It was my fault. I did this.”
“Missed one?” His voice comes from low in his throat as he continues. “All those memories up there…fuck!” He sinks his face onto his palms, and I die a little inside, because I’ve caused this lovely man—who only wants to help everyone—pain. “Jesus. Jesus. I need to go up there…Sela, Luella. Christ, my grandfather...” He hurries into his tent and comes out minutes later, dressed and steely-eyed. “More fucking ashes. I never should have—”
“Taken me there?” I ask, one hand clutched to my heart as it breaks and drums hard against my ribs.
“I should have kept that place the sacred shrine it was,” Hunt says as he walks down the steps talking to himself. Then he mutters the words I’ve heard him say several times, but this time, they punch me in the gut. “Once again an idiot rushing in.”
“With me?” I whisper, knowing the answer.
Chapter 44
Clue~ hardly an Einstein *idiot
HUNT
I’m such a jerk. What the hell did I tell her? I don’t even know what came out of my mouth, but I’m sure it was pure dick! Like a fool, I left Happy standing in a pool of guilt in order to appease my own angst and pain. I may have botched the greatest thing happening in my life because I can’t say goodbye to people who dwell in my heart—Luella and her child. That day she called me crying to tell me she was pregnant. I knew it wasn’t mine. We talked for hours on the phone that afternoon. And that night, she died. An accident, according to Tuck. I knew better, and he knows damn well he’ll have blood on his hands for the rest of his life. His child and that beautiful girl.
And then Sela. Fuck! Why did I say those things aloud? I lost it for a few minutes in the flurry of the moment, lost my fucking shit over the cottage being gone and remembering that it was the first place I made love to Sela—and the last. The fucked-up thing about it is, I left her there when I flew out for an emergency that night. And I know damn well what went on once I departed, and who exactly knocked her up.
After kicking around in the charred edges of the house then walking through the wet, ashy remains of the cottage interior, I journey back to the campsite. Guilt flourishes in my gut all over again over the way I took off earlier, the way I spoke to Happy, the pathetic and unforgivable way I reacted. One shithead move after another. I’ll be damned lucky if she didn’t take off for the airport. Lucky if I ever see her again after how I treated her. She didn’t deserve that.
As I approach the steps, Happy strolls out of her side of the tent, holding an ice cream cone while wrapped in a towel. A long strand of lit-up Christmas lights adorns her shoulders, falling down her front and clinking against the floor as she shuffles around. Her ribbon-tied hair is a messy nest, her cheeks as pink as the ice cream dripping down her hand. Her face crumples as our gazes meet, and my stomach sinks when she spins and opens the door to her tent.
“Happy, wait.” I jog up the steps and catch the crook of her elbow.
She twists toward me, her eyes red and crazed as my stomach knots up.
“I’m so sorry, I was awful. I’m so sorry I hurt you.”
“Sela?” She looks down, her toe catching the cord of the lights. “It’s not over, is it?”
“Fuck. Yes, it is.”
“Is that where you take all your girls?” She bites her bottom lip then drags her tongue up the side of the cone. It lands at the top of the second scoop. She rims her cream-coated mouth with her tongue, and I swear to god, if she didn’t look like her bird had just died again, I’d back her against the wall, yank that skimpy towel off, and have my way with her once and for all.
But that pipedream is an impossibility by my own doing.
“I had only been with you and Sela and Luella there. There was no point in telling you.”
“But you did. And you miss them. You can’t have Luella, but Sela is still out there with a baby in her belly, and you love her.” Her lips quiver as she continues. “I can tell you love her.”
I shove my hands in my pockets, huffing out a breath before I compose my answer. “It doesn’t matter.”
“It matters to me.”
“Happy, sweetheart. I’m the kind of guy who never completely lets go of anyone. But don’t let that scare you. It doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t mean I’d leave you. She left me. There’s no chance for us. Please trust me. Please accept my apology and give me another chance.”
“Is there really a chance for us?” She rocks from heel to toe. “You may not relate to this, but you’re like a pair of shoes I pined for then finally bought. And, now that I have them, I want to wear them every day. They’re so comfortable, like an old pair of slippers, I never want to take them off, so good I wonder how I ever lived without them. How will I live without—”
I crack a smile then ask, “Did you just compare me to an old pair of dust bunny sweepers?”
“It’s a compliment.” She smirks as her lashes flutter, sending my heart racing for the hope I see in her twinkling eyes. It’s all I need—a sliver. I can do something with the smallest bit of hope. I can weave it into a future expectant with promise.
“I need to tell you something—”
“I wanted a better ending this time. I guess I got it,” she says as her eyes fill with tears. “Sure, there was tragedy, but no lives were lost.”
I walk toward her, and she backs against the wall.
“This is not an ending,” I tell her. “You don’t get to pick your endings in life.”
“Well, there’s the problem. I’m a planner, and I hadn’t planned on liking you so much. That’s what makes this ending so hard.”
“I’m sorry. I’m so damn sorry.” I lean toward her and place one hand on the wall beside her neck. “Happy, you beautiful ice-cream-licking, Christmas-lights-wearing, bluebird girl. Please tell me this isn’t an ending for us.”
“You have nothing to be sorry about. It was my fault. The fire.” Tears glide down her face, coating her lips and chin. “I must have left a candle burning in the pantry. I don’t know. I can’t remember, but I ruined so much for you. I stole something sacred. That house is gone because of my carelessness. I know what it’s like to have someone steal sacred things. I feel terrible that I did that to you when all you’ve wanted to do is help me. You’ve been nothing but good to me…for me. I’ll always be grateful.”
I shake my head, taking her trembling hand in mine as ice cream drips down her other hand, the sweet smell of strawberry floating between us. “No, nothing was your fault. I overreacted. I fucked up, and I need to know if you’ll accept my apology. Please don’t let me or how I acted ruin what we’ve begun. Please tell me you’ll forgive me for being a jerk.”
“Forgive you?” Happy sobs, lifting her free hand to her face and smearing ice cream across her cheeks.
I smile despite my tight throat and the tension sitting on my shoulders like a two-ton weight.
“I thought you might not forgive me,” she whispers. “I was planning on leaving tonight. I just wanted to say a final goodbye.”
I lick the sweet cream off her cheek, suck her coated fingers, and then lick the cone until my lips meet hers. After a tender kiss, our foreheads touch and I know for certain we haven’t lost each other.
“See, here’s the thing, shmoop. You know I don’t do goodbyes.”
Chapter 45
Trust the universe
Happy
“Hunt,” I say as tears fall.
He licks the ice cream then feeds me his sweetly coated tongue like a reward. I take his tongue and his lips like I’ve been given a second chance with a man I might be in over my head with but happily drowning in.
I was sure I’d lost him when he tore off this morning in a cyclone of earth and anger that whipp
ed around Houdini’s hard pounding hooves as he galloped away. It was a noisy and frenzied goodbye that ripped through my heart in seconds. And, when Tuck came to comfort me as Hunt and Wild Bill abandoned me, I nearly let him. I was lost in the storm that was Hunt, and Tuck swooped in like he could solve every ounce of my hurt. He led me into my tent, pulled my covers back, and, much to my surprise, laid me down with a gentle, caring hand. But, when he knelt beside the bed, his lips meeting my cheek as I sobbed, I pushed him away because there was nothing. Not a tingle or prickle on my spine. Not one ounce of need or want. Telling him I was one man’s, regardless of whether or not he was mine, must have shaken his rarely-turned-down libido. But I knew in that moment, deep down to the marrow of my bones, there would never be a man who would open my heart and show me more of my true self and all I could be than Hunt.
As Hunt licks up one side of the ice cream, I take the other side on. Our mouths meet at the top for a cold, sweet, and lusty kiss.
“Happy.” He smiles as he removes the strand of lights from my shoulders and drops them to the deck in a clink. “C’mere. You’re so sticky and sweet and I…” He doesn’t finish his sentence, but he does take my hand and lead me to the outdoor shower on the side of the tent, where he found me singing our first day here.
The rusted hinges on the door creak as he opens it. Then he backs me inside. After kicking his boots off, he locks the door behind us.
“Take it off.” He nods to my towel.
Ice cream drips down my chest in the scorching heat, and I take a lick then circle the tip of the sweet cream with my mouth. His gaze falls from mine and lands on my lips and my tongue, which laps the cone.
“Now,” he says as he yanks the T-shirt off the back of his neck with one hand. His wet, stained underarms and the manly, sweaty smell of him turn my insides to mush.
“You first,” I answer.
A small grin slides up on one corner of his mouth as he works his jeans open and drops them. “I want to see your tits, want to wipe what’s left of that ice cream over them. Then I want to lick it off. And after that, I’m going to spread your legs and coat your pussy with that strawberry cream. And then…”
Of Winged Creatures & Nesting Grounds: (A Quirky, Sexy, Dirty Doctor Romance) Page 20