“What are you saying?” I grasp her tiny hands then bring them to my lips.
“You were never truly mine, Hunt. We were a moment, and it was perfect and all I needed. I love you for it, for what you gave me. Endless gifts I’ll never forget. Maybe it was all you needed too. It’s better this way.”
I grip her shaking shoulders and place my forehead to hers. “I was yours. I still fucking am. And you were always mine. We didn’t intersect for nothing. You can’t believe that.”
“You can’t belong to everyone, and they’ll need you more. That’s what you do. You swoop in when you’re needed. Maybe that’s why we met. Maybe you gave me everything I was supposed to get from our relationship. You helped me.” Happy takes in a long, deep breath. “I’m terrified, yes. But I won’t pin you down. I can’t force you to do anything. I will never, not ever, do that to anyone again. I tried that once, and now, I have no one at all.”
“You have me!” I clutch my chest at her sadness and swallow over a lump. “Aren’t I something to you?”
“You’re everything I stand to lose that matters.” She sobs. “But I have no control over what’s going to happen, and maybe you won’t, either. This isn’t in our hands. I have no plan at all right now. This is me off-roading and trying to be brave. Can’t you see I’m trying to fucking fly here? Because, if I don’t, I’ll die. I’ll die in that godforsaken, bloody river they died in, the very one you helped me escape.”
After wiping a sleeve across my face then taking hold of her cheeks, I press my lips onto hers and whisper against them, “You’ve taken a huge chunk of my heart—”
“As have they.” She gasps for air. “And I won’t be the one to take you away from them. This is too eerily similar to what I went through before. It nearly killed me the first time.”
“I promised you I won’t hurt you.”
“You already have, by chance. I know you care, but this is painful. Something is going to happen. Someone is going to get hurt worse than someone else. I harbor enough guilt over loving too much once. I feel like I killed one family. I can’t kill another. Listen to me, Hunt… You’ve never lost the love of your life.”
“And neither have you.”
Chapter 51
Off-ramp. A one-way road leading off a main highway.
Happy
After scooting down to the gift shop and buying bags full of things to keep Hunt’s mind occupied, I hurry back to the waiting room.
“They’re alive,” he says as I approach him. He presses the back of his hand to his mouth. His pale face and furled brow cement me in place. Fight or flight? My twisted guts provide no answer as I drop the bags and run my sweaty hands down my shirt.
“That’s good news,” I mutter as I hide my shaky hands behind my back. “This is good. This is beautiful for you.”
“They’re not out of the woods, but it’s a start.”
Yes, it is. At the life he wants. This is his beginning and our end. I wish my lips weren’t trembling. Or that I wasn’t biting into them and tasting blood. I wish I could look at him and have meant what I just said.
“Happy, I love you. Why won’t you look at me?”
“Because all I’ll see is someone I want, and it’ll hurt too much. This is hard enough—”
“Can I hold you?” he asks.
I snatch up the Christmas lights, hoping for a temporary fix of joy but receive nothing. “No. It’ll hurt too much.”
“I promise you I will not hurt you. I love you, and I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it. This isn’t the end of our story.”
“What is it, then? You’re being given everything you want. And honestly, I got what I wanted too. I found me. This is going to hurt, but it won’t kill me. I now know… I’m brave enough.”
“Brave enough to stay?”
I shake my head and take his hands in mine. “Hunt. No.” I suck in a breath. “I’m brave enough to let you go.”
He squeezes my hands then kisses them, his tears meeting mine. “I don’t want that. Don’t do this to us.”
“Sometimes we don’t get what we want exactly as we want it. This decision was made before I ever came along. I’m not sure what purpose I served in your life, but you served plenty in mine.”
Our foreheads meet, and our out-of-control breaths mingle. We’re passion times a million, but it has to end here. We only existed to make us stronger for the next thing, whatever that is.
“You gave me so much,” I tell him. “You helped me find me. At least I’m on my way. I knew she was in there, but your gentle nudges pushed me. I’m able to walk away because of that.” My knees weaken, and I fall onto him.
He grips my waist and holds me up. “I’m not finished with you. We’re not done.” He slides his hands around my neck and pulls me to him, his mouth landing on the corner of my lips, his thumbs stroking my jaw. “Open your mouth. Kiss me. Happy, Jesus, please... I need you.”
I shudder out a sob as I part my lips and his tongue thrusts across mine. Our mouths slide in unison as he backs me to the wall and presses himself to me. His air forces its way into my lungs, filling me with hope I don’t deserve to consider. Down the hall is the rest of his life. So, why is he kissing me like he owns me? Kissing me like a first-time kiss when this is a goodbye kiss?
“We’re not done.” He groans, pinning his face to my neck as if he wants to slide under my skin for all of eternity. Though maybe he’s already there. “Not fucking done,” he mutters in a hoarse voice.
To the side of us, I hear, “Mr. Hardick, you can see your wife and son now. Mrs. Hardick is asking for you.”
A nurse, staring us down over the top edge of her glasses, narrows her eyes at me in a glare.
“Goodbye, Hunt,” I mouth, knowing he’ll read my lips.
He shakes his head as he wraps me in his arms, his body shuddering along with mine, our hearts hammering in accord. “I don’t do goodbyes. I don’t—”
“I know,” I whisper, easing out of his arms. Then I back away, my hand out to stop him from coming for me as he steps forward. “And that’s why you’re getting what you’ve wanted all along.”
I gave myself to him in ways I wasn’t sure I could. And, in return, I was given the gift of me. What a strange thing it is to conquer your fears and find that the most beautiful thing on the other side of that fear is yourself. I’m learning fear is something to explore like an adventurer, and it’s scary as fuck. But it’s a lesson about ourselves cleverly disguised in cowardice and doubt. Panic and timidity. What did I have to lose when I opened my mind? Fear itself.
Am I scared as shit right now? Hell yes. This whole being-brave thing doesn’t come without strings. It comes with strings and knots and entanglements of all kinds. And every last one of them is attached to a whole bank full of gnarly, hard-to-navigate emotions.
I’m not going to get in his way. I’m just learning how to get out of my own way. If, in the end, he chooses me, he’ll find me. Weeks, months, years down the road. I’ll be the girl in perpetual motion, the brave one continuing to move toward things she wants. Peacock feathers fanned. I’ll be moving, all right, but not so fast that I won’t see him coming and saying, “C’mere. You’re the one. You stole my heart, and I want you to keep it. You walked away so I’d come find you again. You gave me what you thought I wanted, but all along, it was you. It’s only ever been you. You’re it, shmoop.”
Hopefully, I’m not dreaming. I pray.
Chapter 52
Six-letter phrase for not forgotten *in mind
HUNT
Two Weeks later
Everywhere I turn, she’s there. Morsels of her in every song. The scent of her in the dewy morning breeze. Her face in each raindrop. Where did she go, my blue-eyed beauty? My little bluebird flew away. Her house has been dark for two weeks. I know this because I drive past it every single day. Sometimes twice. Her phone number is no longer hers. And, when I think of her, I sweat and I ache and I mourn her. When I dream of her, she’s by my
side, in my arms, and I’m the luckiest man on Earth. Until I wake up.
Love is priceless the way it barges in and takes over, wakes you up, then kicks you. The way it rips you apart then abandons you. The way it sits in your heart, sometimes lonely or when hopeful, giddy.
The tiny wail of Hugo as he peels his face from my bare, sweaty chest snaps me back to reality. A pool of drool forms on my skin as he sucks the valley between my pecs. Upon rolling to my side then cradling him in the crook of my elbow, I kiss the fat folds of his neck, the sweet smell of baby lotion and sour milk scooting up my nose.
“Want me to take him so you can get going?” Jane, Hugo’s nanny, asks, her smile brightening as she reaches out for him.
I push up off the couch as Jane takes Hugo. “Yeah. I’m going to take a quick shower then head out.”
“Got a hot date, Doc?”
“If hanging out with my sister and best guy friend is hot, then this one is steamy as fuck.”
“At least you’re going out for once.”
“At least,” I answer as I walk toward my bedroom.
Bowie calls daily to try to yank me out of my funk. Between him and my sisters, I have my own village of therapists. How did I go from being the guy who helped everyone to the guy most in need of help?
Two women. One son.
Drowning in her madness, Sela brought over the documents this morning before she caught a plane to Morocco for a photo shoot. With a trembling hand, I signed my name on the line, which relinquished all her parental rights. What did I ever see in her? A project? I stumble daily about what we were. Apparently not anything. But she brought me my son, the only person who brings me all-day smiles next to my memories of the brief but good times Happy and I shared.
After passing by Happy’s dark house, I continue on to Roulette. The bar where Happy and I first met, the only bar I now frequent in hopes of seeing her.
Bowie and Lucy are seated at a table, already drinking.
“He’s alive,” Lucy says. I sag onto a chair next to her.
“You look like shit, man,” Bowie says, smacking my bicep.
I order a drink, then scope out the bar hoping I’ll see her.
“I don’t sleep anymore.”
“Do you eat?” Lucy asks while poking my ribs. “You know…food?”
“I don’t know what I do anymore, besides think of her and drive past her house, and then think of her some more, then jerk off to her.”
“Sela’s gone? It’s done?” Bowie asks.
“Yup. Signed the papers this morning. It’s just me and my boy now. At least I have him.”
The waitress brings my drink, and Bowie orders another round for the table plus a few appetizers.
“I always hated that bitch,” Lucy says. “I’m glad she’s gone. You finally said a goodbye.” We raise our glasses. One goodbye. Now I need that hello I’ve been jonesing for. I need Happy to come back or I need to find her.
“I’m thinking about hiring a Dick.”
“Because yours is getting so much use?” Bowie says.
“It’s only been two weeks, maybe she needed a breather from the whole situation,” Lucys says. “She’s probably just giving you space. Why not give it another few weeks?”
“I’ll be dead by then.” I thought I knew heartache, apparently I didn’t realize the corridors that existed in my heart. “She hasn’t come for pregnancy testing? You have to tell me if you see her.”
“I would tell you.” Lucy threads her fingers with mine. “But she has not been in.”
“I can’t deal anymore. I need to find her and tell her she’s mine and that Sela’s gone. I’m sure she thinks I married Sela.”
“Voodoo pussy,” Bowie says.
“We never fucked.” I can’t believe it. In my brain we did, because she’s all I see, all I feel. But that we never consummated that part of us is almost as gut-wrenching as the fact that I might never see her again. Might never touch or kiss or hold her.
“You said you were with her when Sela came in.”
“With…and about to fuck. Never did though. Sela stopped us when she showed up. Then I found Happy’s half-burned journal on the campfire, her big plan, with the words lose virginity crossed out. I will fucking kill Tuck if he took it.”
The waitress delivers another round of drinks and our food, at the same time a band begins playing and the dance floor fills. Every woman with blond hair catches my eye, but none of them is her.
“Hey,” Lucy says. “Why don’t you take Hugo to the ranch for a few weeks. You’ve been talking about rebuilding the cottage anyway. It might be good for you to get out of here. You have enough staff to cover, and you need to get out of town before you go crazy.”
“Too late,” I mutter. I’m there. I might have been wrong about Sela, but with Happy I’ve never been more right. Never been more convinced. She’s it. My wife. I even had the damn ring tattoo made permanent last week.
Chapter 53
Blissed-out
Happy
Four weeks later
Hunt. I had no choice but to leave him. Once I found out the baby and Sela were fine, I knew my fate had been sealed. I wasn’t going to interfere with his dream or break up the beginnings of a family. There was only one way to let Hunt go after that hideous day in the hospital. I had to leave the country. And, with my laptop, box of photos, a new journal, and my markers, I did just that for almost a month.
Then I came home to get ready for school. Stronger than I thought could be possible. Brave and bold. The real me is back, living joy-filled days where I shine and sparkle, as I off-road and explore my way through life. I say yes to almost everything these days because I am in charge of my happiness. Every day, I take a chance on something new. Every day, I fly like a bird. And the view… Well, it is fucking gorgeous.
Heartbreak might have taken me down once, but not twice. Instead, I turned it into my strength. Wonder Woman, Cat Whiskers, and Happy Go Lucky morphed into a beautiful woman who has shown fear the door once and for all. And I owe a lot of it to Hunt. I hold so much love for that man, for the tender things he taught me and the way we were together. I was thrust into that sacred, short-lived relationship for a reason. Sacred and unforgettable. My only regret: not having made love to him. But the fantasy of it plays through my brain as though I did. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve heard his deep voice talking to me, his sexy tone when he tells me what he’s going to do next. I’m okay with living alone in the tiny studio I’ve leased near the campus, because, with him permanently etched in my memory, I’ll never be lonely. What a gift he continues to give.
I smile as I look down at my ring tattoo. He may never know how permanently etched he is on and in me.
Cece and I are sitting at the bar, in Roulette. I know I’ll never see him here since he’s likely snuggled up with his wife and baby watching a movie or doing whatever newly married couples with babies do. And while I wish he was mine, I can’t begrudge him. He gave me too much to resent him.
“Are you planning on selling the house?” Cece asks while dragging a chip through the cheesy artichoke dip we’re devouring.
“I’m not sure. I just needed a change of pace, and the studio on campus is perfect for me.”
“You start back to school in two weeks?”
“Yup.” I take a sip of my margarita. “I got a packet in the mail from my professor. I’m supposed to meet with him this week, and be prepared to perform the first or second week of school. The professor knows Hunt.”
“What?” Cece grabs my hand.
“Yeah, I remember Hunt telling me he was friends with Bowie. I wasn’t sure I’d land his class, dude was my first choice. He’s the shit, his classes fill up really fast. He’s hardcore and wants super raw performance art. I’m going to rip the band aid off. I might be going a little overboard, but based on things I’ve heard about him, I think my ideas will mostly fit the bill.”
“Can I come see it?”
“Yeah, of
course. I’m going to run to the lave, be right back.”
My heart stops when I see a silhouette walking down the hall in front of me. I want to chase after him, I want to yell, but my nerves fray and all that comes out is a whisper. “I still love you.”
He doesn’t turn, doesn’t flinch, just continues on until he disappears into the men’s room. What am I thinking? He wouldn’t come here. Men with families don’t hang out at Roulette. He loves her. Did he ever love me?
When I sag into my chair minutes later, Cece frowns, then wipes her thumbs under my wet eyes. “Are you ever going to connect with him?”
“I can’t.” I sniffle. “I won’t do that to him.”
“But you made him permanent.” She taps the tattooed wedding ring on my finger when tears river down my face.
“He made himself permanent. That’s just ink and a beautiful little reminder of him.”
“I’m sorry.” She dumps what’s left of her drink into mine. I sniff it, then push it away, the smell unexpectedly making my stomach turn. I shouldn’t be here, it’s too much of a reminder of him.
“I know you’re hurting.”
“It’s okay. I love him so much it hurts like fucking hell. But he has a family, a wife, a kid. I whispered I love you to some guy in the hall leading to the bathroom, thinking it was Hunt.”
I push the food aside and hunch onto the table.
“How do you know they got married? Are you certain?”
“He loved her, she had his son.” I push myself up and stare at the people gyrating on the dance floor. He’s not there…he’s at home, with them. “He’s a stand-up man, no chance in hell he didn’t marry that girl.” His girl.
“And yet, we’re sitting at the bar where you guys met.”
Of Winged Creatures & Nesting Grounds: (A Quirky, Sexy, Dirty Doctor Romance) Page 23