by Lynne Silver
-KK
I got an email in response two weeks later. The message popped onto my phone while I was on my third date with Daniel. A nice guy who’d taken me to coffee, and I’d agreed to escalate to drinks after work. Tonight we were having dinner, which in my old modus operandi meant we were going back to one of our apartments for a little bed action.
Except…he was nice enough, but I wasn’t getting any zings. With my husband mission set to the side, I was being picky for the first time, and I wasn’t overlooking red flags that old me would’ve completely ignored.
It also said something to me that Daniel was talking and I wasn’t hearing a word. My cell phone burned a hole into the table crying out like a lodestone for me to glance at it and read the message.
Finally when I could take it no longer… “It looks like I got a message from work. Anxious bridezilla.” I smiled apologetically. “Do you mind?”
“Go ahead,” Daniel said and took out his own phone to surf.
To: KKatherine@DCevents15
From: Aidan.Dominguez55@army
Subject: Thank you!
Dear KK,
Thanks so much for the package. The jerky was awesome, but the swimsuit magazine and your letter rocked. Hope you don’t mind, but I was laughing so hard at your wedding story, I ended up sharing it with some of the guys. Everyone got a good laugh, so thanks for making a rough week better.
I can tell you some of the stuff going on here, and I won’t kill you. I promise. I’d much rather kiss you. We were in a village to secure a school and battle broke out. Kids were caught in the crossfire. Sucked.
Anyway, I’m not going to cross my fingers your date goes well. The guy’s an ass who doesn’t know how to make your toes curl in bed like I do. How many times did I make you come in one night? Three? Four? See if Dickface can match that.
Nah, on second thought. Don’t.
Love
Aidan
“Bad news?”
“Huh?” I looked up from my phone screen to the man I’d completely forgotten was sitting across from me. “Oh, um. Sort of.” I clicked my phone back to the home screen and concentrated again on Daniel who at this point was on a date with his phone. I waited a second, then a minute and still had clearly lost my date to the screen. Finally, I sent a text to him.
Daniel, have to go. Call me. Or not. –KK
I got up to leave and it wasn’t until I was a foot away that my date noticed. Or maybe he’d received the text. Who knew, and who cared? Not me. I was already mentally composing my email back to Aidan.
What that said for my romantic life, I didn’t know. How sad had I become that men my own age and residing in my zip code were less interesting than a younger soldier in a remote country? Yet, my memory of Aidan combined with his short but sweet emails had lodged in my heart. His brief but emotional description of children getting caught in the crossfire broke my heart as it had Aidan’s. His one word description of “sucked” conveyed a depth of regret and sadness that made me ache for him. I didn’t know what we had or what any of it meant, but for now, I was going to keep writing him and sending care packages.
To: Aidan.Dominguez55@army
From: KKatherine@DCevents15
Subject: RE: Thank you
Aidan,
Glad you liked the package. No worries that you told your friends about the wedding. It was quite the night. I’m not sure my eyes have recovered. Maybe if the men were more handsome, but it was not a pretty sight. Now, you with another soldier? I’d pay big money for that. Wink, wink.
No worries on my dating front. The guy turned out to be a dud. Only one orgasm. Just kidding! You’ll be happy to know he never got to see me in all my naked glory. You are the last male to attain that honor. How’s that feel, Soldier?
Love,
KK
My response from Aidan came via snail mail a few weeks later, and I was glad I had it on paper or else it would’ve melted my hard drive. I was half surprised the notepad paper on which he’d written didn’t go up in flames.
The letter described in excruciating detail his memory of our night in Dallas and what he would do to me if given another night. He had the descriptive voice of a poet and the words of a pornographer. Together, the letter made me blush and made me ache. It was now early April and I hadn’t been with anyone since Aidan. It was a long and unwanted dry spell for me.
I replied to him a night later, also on paper in case dirty emails weren’t allowed in the military. I’d read the no porn rule and was glad I hadn’t sent the nudie girlie magazines I’d originally planned. I blushed the whole time I wrote his letter and possibly for two days following.
Phone sex was old hat to me, but never letter sex, yet that was what we seemed to be having.
Aidan,
You owe me four AA batteries. Your letter got me…needy. And with you in Afghanistan and no other men in my life, I had no choice but to break out the B.O.B. (Battery operated boyfriend). Mine’s named Juan. I seem to have a thing for Hispanic men.
I remember our night fondly also, and tried to replicate it with less than stellar results. When I knelt on the bed, I missed your hands gripping my hips and caressing my breasts.
I gave up trying to recreate history and decided instead to fantasize about what I would want if we did have another night together.
First, I’d lie back in the bed and I’d grip the headboard. You’d tie my wrists to the bed in case I was a bad girl and moved. Then you’d get between my legs and lick me for a while. I’d beg to come, but you wouldn’t let me. Instead you’d straddle my chest and stick your cock in my mouth making me lick and suck you. Every so often you’d reach back to finger my clit.
I’d beg some more to come, but no. You’re a cruel man, Aidan Dominguez. You’d untie me, and I’d try to touch you, but you’d turn me onto my stomach, holding my hands to the mattress.
I’d moan as your weight pushed me into the bed and your hard dick would come into me from behind, sliding deep into me until I’d feel your balls against my skin. I’d come almost instantly, but you’d hold back and keep pounding into me faster and harder until I came again. Finally, we’d collapse together in a sweaty, sated heap and you’d read me Shakespearean sonnets about my beauty.
Love,
KK
PS I had my vibrator in me while writing this. I came twice.
To: KKatherine@DCevents15
From: Aidan.Dominguez55@army
Subject: Holy shit!
That’s it. Just holy shit. Baby, I’ve had a hard-on for days. Your letter is in my pocket at all times. I can’t write much right now. Will write more later.
Love,
Aidan
I waited anxiously for Aidan’s next communication. Would it be email or regular mail? Would it be dirty? I didn’t have long to wait. I got a thick envelope in the mail and ripped it open while standing in the mailroom of my apartment building. Leaning against the metal mailboxes, I read.
Dear KK,
Thank you for the socks. Everyone’s jealous. I’ve got a smoking hot girl sending me the world’s softest, thickest socks. If they knew about your sexy letter writing ability, I’d be fighting off a battalion. But that letter is for my eyes only, and believe me I’ve read it a few dozen (hundred) times.
Do me a favor though. If I have even the slightest shot with you, tell me. Or let me know that I’m the asshole getting dirty letters but nothing more and spare me the heartache. Cause, seriously, I’m getting through this shitty tour with thoughts of you, the girl I want to get to know when I’m stateside.
Be kind and cut me off if I don’t have a shot. Don’t lead me on.
Aidan
Whoa. His response required thought. While I’d put a lot of thought into my letters and packages to him, I hadn’t put much thought into the meaning. I’d hoped it was fun sexy flirtation that didn’t mean much because it couldn’t mean much with him overseas.
For all I knew, he had an army of females sending him
dirty notes and clean socks. Yet, if he were to be believed and trusted, Aidan wanted something more with me.
I didn’t respond to him for two weeks. I took the time to do some soul searching and conferring with Andi. We met for drinks one night at an old Irish pub near her new house.
After exchanging effusive hugs, we settled into one of those awesome deep curved booths that pubs have. The kind that make you think you’re alone in the restaurant and block out conversation from other tables, but most importantly, block out your conversation from any overeager listeners. The conversation I needed to have was private.
“You look good,” Andi said, surveying me from across the booth. “Different.”
“Different?” I fingered my hair. “I haven’t done anything radical lately.”
Andi frowned thoughtfully at me. “I think that’s it. You look relaxed. Beautiful as always, but it’s more effortless.”
I thought about what she was saying, and it made sense. Old me was always trying out the latest hairstyle or accessory in a bid to stay current and hip. I tried too hard. It was as if I wore a neon sign that screamed look at me. Notice me. “Thanks, I guess. I guess it’s all related to what Ben told me in Phoenix.” After I’d returned home, I’d had a long heart-to-heart with Andi and confessed that Ben had told me I was the fun girl but not the girl you married. She’d denied it vehemently on my behalf, but she’d been my best friend since forever. It was in her job description to ignore my flaws.
“What do you mean?” she asked curiously. “Are you trying to look more like the girl next door? Cause you’re not exactly achieving that. You’re still the most beautiful woman in the room. I meant that you seem happier in your own skin.”
I thought about that for a second. It was true that since giving up my quest to find Mr. Right and get an engagement ring, I was more relaxed. The happier part might be from a certain sexy twenty-four-year-old who wanted more with me. “I am happy,” I finally said, “and I think it has to do with Aidan.”
“Aidan? Who’s Aidan? You’ve been holding back on me,” she chided. “The only Aidan I can think of is that one-night stand guy from Texas.”
I nodded, barely suppressing a grin.
“But…but he’s in Afghanistan!”
“We’ve been writing.” I shrugged as if it were NBD, no big deal.
“Writing? As in letters? Emails?”
“Yes and yes. I’ve sent him a few care packages, and maybe a dirty letter or two.”
Andi shrieked and leaned across the table. “No way. I thought he was a one-time thing.”
“I thought so too, but he wrote to me first. It seemed unpatriotic not to write back. Things have escalated from there.”
“Escalated how?”
At that moment, our nachos arrived and we got absorbed in our food for a few minutes, but Andi didn’t let me forget the topic.
“He wants a shot with me,” I confessed. “He told me not to lead him on unless he has a chance when he’s back in the U.S.”
“And?” Andi asked, “Are you going to give him a shot?”
“I have no idea,” I said. “I know almost nothing about him except that he’s a twenty-four- year old sergeant in the US Army, likes beef jerky, reality TV and completely rocked my socks in bed.”
“Well, that’s something,” Andi said, toasting me with a cheese laden tortilla chip.
“Oh, and his sister is getting married,” I added. “That’s it. How am I supposed to make a decision based on that? I don’t even know what he’s asking. Is he asking me for a committed monogamous long-distance relationship? How can I say yes when we barely know each other? There’s also the tiny issue of our age difference. He’s not even old enough to rent a car. Why would he want to settle down?”
“Ask him?” Andi said sensibly. “Tell him you’re thinking about it and ask him the things you’ve asked me. I think the fact that you’re hesitating says a lot about how far you’ve come. Six months ago, you would’ve already written him to say yes and been pricing engagement rings online. True?”
“True,” I admitted. “Maybe it’s not a good thing that I’m hesitating. Have I gone from one extreme to the other? First I was the girl who was willing to settle for any guy, and now I’m the too picky girl who will end up alone because no one is good enough.”
“No,” Andi said. “And I should know, because I was the too picky girl. I was too picky because no one lived up to Jonah.” She smiled fondly at her wedding band.
Last year, Andi and I had gone on a cruise, a cruise I’d organized, because I’d known that Andi’s high school sweetheart was the on-ship doctor. I’d known they were perfect for each other and just needed a push to get back together. I’d provided the push, and now they were happily married and renovating a house together.
“You’ve changed your default which was to assume every guy was Mr. Right, so now you need to come up with your new philosophy,” she said.
“I’m not sure I need a new philosophy. I need to decide what to do about Aidan.”
“What does your heart tell you?”
I toyed with my empty glass, running a finger through the condensation. “I like him,” I confessed. “I don’t know him very well, but I like what I do know.”
Andi ticked items off on her fingers. “Pros. He’s good in bed. He’s serving our country. He communicates. In writing, I might add. And he’s twenty-four.”
“Is that in the pro or the con category?”
“Pro,” she said emphatically. “Women live longer than men. He’ll be around to push you in your wheel chair.”
I flicked some water at her. “What are the cons then?” I didn’t wait for her to answer and started my own list. “He’s younger. Sorry, Andi. I know you think this is a pro, but I’m worried he wants stability now when he’s in a war zone, but won’t want to be tied down as soon as he’s back in the States. What if I wait for him, turning down dates for the next who-knows-how-long only to get dumped when he gets back?”
“That’s a risk,” Andi said, “but if he’s the kind of dick who would do that, you want to be shot of his ass anyway, and I’ve heard it’s usually the opposite problem. Don’t a lot of military men get dumped while they’re serving because their wives or girlfriends cheated on them?”
“I have no idea.”
“Me neither. I could be citing my source from that Jake Gyllenhaal Jarhead movie.”
More water flicking ensued until she held up her hands and laughed. “Enough. Uncle. Hollywood endings aside, the only thing you’d lose is time. But that’s what you invest in any relationship. Whether he’s overseas or living with you, there’s always a risk when your heart and your time is involved.”
“True. Okay, I’ll nix the age thing off the con list. The only other con I can think of is the obvious one?”
Andi’s brow wrinkled at me.
“The sex, Andi,” I said, as if it should’ve been the most obvious thing in the world, and to me it was. “Basically he’s asking me to commit to a monogamous relationship based on a one-night stand, and we wouldn’t be able to have sex with each other until he comes home on leave, and I have no idea when that might be. Could I go more than a year without sex?” My voice grew higher and more urgent. “I’ve heard tours can be that long.”
“KK, first of all, calm down. You’re wigging out. Breathe.”
I tried to follow her advice and sucked back a breath to blow it out a few seconds later.
“I think the person you need to talk to is Aidan. He took a big risk asking you for a relationship. You don’t have to give him a yes or no without all the facts. Write him an email or a letter and ask him what you’re worried about. Don’t give an answer based on conjecture of what you think might happen. For all you know, he could be coming home tomorrow. He’s been open with you. Give him the courtesy of reciprocating.”
“You’re right. Andi, you’re brilliant. I’ve been freaking out when I could simply ask him.”
Andi gave a li
ttle seated bow. “All in a day’s service. Any other of life’s problems getting you down?”
“No, that’s all I can think of today.”
“Good, then we can move on to my problem, which is my upcoming housewarming party. Jonah and I want to hire you to throw it. Since we had a super small destination wedding, we want to have a huge rocking house and marriage celebration.”
I perked up immediately. Now Andi was talking my language. A dual celebration for my two closest friends. Awesome. Then I felt like a deflated balloon. “Just thought of another con,” I muttered. “I’d love to plan the greatest marriage slash housewarming party ever for you and Jonah, but I’ll be dateless at the party.” I slumped back against the leather of the booth, picturing how amazing it would be to walk in on Aidan’s arm. “Not sure I like the long-distance relationship thing.”
“Write him, KK,” Andi said in a motherly tone.
To: Aidan.Dominguez55@army
From: KKatherine@DCevents15
Subject: questions
Aidan,
Sorry it took me so long to write back. Your email gave me a lot to think about. I absolutely don’t want to lead you on, but before we move further, I have some questions. So in no particular order, here goes:
What exactly are you looking for? Would you want a committed monogamous relationship? While you’re overseas should I not go on any dates? I’m open to this, but before I commit, I want you to be sure that’s what you’re asking.
How long will you be gone? Do you get leave?
Where is your home when you’re in the U.S.?
I know you have a sister. Do you have any other family?