by Dillon, Maci
She dragged me into the bathroom, turned the shower on and adjusted the water temperature.
“Let’s get you sobered up, okay?” I stepped out of my underwear and kicked them aside. All professional, Jackie helped me in and out of the shower. Following that, both she and Ken sat me down to discuss business. That business was my life.
Ken started first. “Chloe, you’re a valuable employee and a lovely young lady. We want you to know we can’t begin to understand what you’re going through right now, but we are here for you.”
I nodded silently and waited uncomfortably for the ‘but’ that never came. Jackie jumped in, “We need you to know your position is not in jeopardy, Chloe. We only care about providing you the help you need.”
“What makes you think I need help? Nobody can change what happened,” I countered.
I did appreciate their efforts, more than they’d ever know, but I wasn’t in the right head space to realize how much I needed their help.
“Let’s see, not showing up for work, smelling like a brewery when you do, the dark circles under your eyes growing larger and weight dropping off you at an extreme rate. This is not you, Chloe. You’re better than this. And we have faith in you as a person and an employee.”
I once had faith in someone too. But faith didn’t get me anywhere.
“We have a few things to propose, none of which are optional,” Ken added. “We have taken the liberty to book you some therapy sessions and to make it easier for you, the Psychologist is willing to make home visits. We want you to take a month off work, fully paid of course, and focus on yourself. No drinking the days and nights away. We want you to start eating properly and lay off the booze while you get your head sorted out, okay?”
What did he want me to say? He said it wasn’t optional so all I could do was agree. Jackie reached across the table and covered my hand in hers. “Would you please consider having Lizzie come stay with you for the next few weeks? Her hubby is out of town and she’d really appreciate the company.” Seriously, a babysitter?
“She offered, Chloe. Let her help. All we want to do is help you through this. It will get better, I promise. Plus, Lizzie loves to cook so we know you won’t turn into a full-blown skeleton,” she joked, lightening the mood.
“Honestly, I don’t need a babysitter,” I answered, walking to the fridge for a bottle of water and offering them each one. “But I can see what you’re trying to do and I appreciate it. Let’s give it a try.”
Tomorrow, Lizzie was moving in and I was all set for my first therapy session. God help me.
*****
Therapy Session
“Tell me more about the rumors, Chloe.”
I sat somber in the recliner chair of my parents’ lounge room, staring across at Bethany, my newly appointed shrink. We were a few sessions into my treatment, each session revealing a little more. I was yet to experience a release, but I knew it was helping.
“Will was out of town on a work trip,” I started, repositioning myself in the oversized chair. Summersaults began in the pit of my stomach. I’d done the one thing I vowed I’d never do. “I found myself at the local bar, lonely and depressed.”
I paused.
“Go on,” Bethany prompted.
“I was sitting there minding my own business when I saw a guy who’d been openly pursuing me for a while. He bought me a drink,” I sighed. “I knew I shouldn’t have accepted it. The last thing I wanted to do was encourage him.” I had no interest in any other man. Even now I was confused by my actions.
“What happened after the drink, Chloe?”
I stared out the window, lost in my memory of the night in question. I struggled to make sense of my mind-set that night. “After a few drinks we left the bar and headed back to my apartment.” I lowered my head and focused on my fingers fidgeting in my lap.
“The apartment you shared with Will?”
I nodded, my eyes drifting shut at the sound of his name.
“What led to you leaving the bar with him? What were your intentions? What were his?”
At first, it was all innocent. “There were no expectations, not on my behalf, anyway. I’d thanked him for the drinks and told him I was heading home. He offered to walk with me. It wasn’t far but it was late so I politely accepted the offer. Every step closer to home, I became more unsettled. Uncomfortable being with him, hating that I put myself in that situation.”
“When you arrived at the apartment, what happened?”
“We stood at the door while I fumbled in my purse for the keys.” I guess I was nervous at that point. I felt I had led him on, letting him be there. Tears welled in my eyes as I remembered how I felt standing at the door.
“Chloe,” Bethany said quietly. “What were you thinking in that moment? Clearly this memory is hard for you,” she continued. “Tell me about it.”
“I’d learned a few weeks earlier that my parents were separating. I had no idea there was a problem…” My words faded. They didn’t even tell me in person. Will came home from work with the news, wondering why I’d not said anything. I’d been a bit down and abnormally subdued, I guess he assumed it was because of my parents. Truth is though, I hadn’t a clue.
“All my life, I’d looked up to my parents. Their relationship, their love for each other. I wanted that for myself.” I looked around the house, no evidence their love ever existed. All the photos had been removed, it was now just a shell of a home. “If their love couldn’t survive, what hope did I have?”
Bethany sat forward in her chair, her hands clasped together in front of her. “You thought you’d found your happily ever after with Will. Did your parents’ separation cause you to second guess those feelings?”
I thought about this for a moment. “My feelings… no, I knew I loved Will. But fear and doubt started to creep in I guess.” My parents married at eighteen too. Perhaps a lifetime of happiness for Will and I would only last until my forties as well. I didn’t want that. I wanted a promise of forever to be forever.
“You said you’d been feeling off before you heard the news of your parents? Was that due to the pregnancy?”
“Perhaps.”
If I’d known I was pregnant, it would have provided me with a plausible reason for feeling so awful. “I had become unusually tired, my motivation declined and I felt…strange. I can’t explain it, I just felt different.” Will misinterpreted my early nights and moodiness as signs of withdrawal. We rarely argued, but my uncanny behavior brought about some trying times and strained conversations. Will began to question my commitment and I feared he might leave, unwilling to put up with whatever was going on with me. It was stupid. Our love was much deeper than that, but rational thought escaped me at every turn. “When the news broke about my parents, all those feelings were exacerbated. My insecurities skyrocketed but I didn’t talk to Will about it.” I knew at some level it was just a phase, I wasn’t an insecure person.
“Did you ever suspect you might have been pregnant?”
“Not at all. My periods were very irregular and I was on birth control. It was only the week leading up to our engagement party that I started to feel nauseated. I put that down to stress and lack of sleep.” I also hadn’t been eating well. There was so much to organize for the party, and my work had been exceptionally busy.
Bethany took a sip of water. “This is good, Chloe. You’re talking more freely today. Let’s go back to the night where the rumors started. What happened once you found your keys?”
I shifted in my chair, tucking my feet up beneath me. “I thanked him for walking me home and suggested he should leave.” I had no intention of inviting him in. “I pushed the key into the lock and hesitated because he hadn’t moved. When I turned to him, he leaned in and kissed me. Not just a peck on the cheek, but really kissed me.” And I let him. At first.
“Okay, how did that kiss make you feel?”
“Shocked at first. It took me completely by surp
rise.” I pulled back immediately once the shock passed but I’d already kissed him. My body hummed with anticipation but was wound tight with guilt. “I pushed him away and told him to leave. I was angry at him for kissing me, angry at myself for giving him the opportunity. Mostly, I was disgusted that for a moment, I contemplated letting him in. To our apartment, to our bed.” For no other reason but to self-destruct. Destroy the fantasy of Will and Chloe before it could be taken from me. For a split second, I allowed feelings of adolescent rebellion to kick in. “But I didn’t, I unlocked the door and raced inside. Alone.”
“You felt as though you’d cheated on Will.” It was a statement, not a question. I nodded. For a few seconds I had returned the kiss. Yes, it could have been much worse but it felt wrong all the same. “How did Will respond when you told him?”
This is where I royally fucked up. When Will returned home early the next morning, he stormed into the house. Hurt and betrayal etched on his face. Tell me it’s not true, Chloe. His words pulled me from a deep sleep and I bolted upright, my eyes adjusting to the morning light filtering through our high-set bedroom window.
“He already knew before he arrived home.” I explained to Bethany how somebody saw us leave together and as human nature would have it, they assumed the worst. Will woke that morning to a heartbreaking text message. He cancelled his meetings and returned home immediately. “He demanded to know if it was true. I was unsure what he knew, confused at first, by how he knew.” A lump lodged in my throat and I just sat there in bed, staring up at him. Tears streamed down my face. I was so confused. I felt like I was losing myself. “I guess my inability to speak said all he needed to know. He turned and left the house, slamming the door behind him.” I watched from our window as he tore open the car door and climbed inside. Torment twisted his face as his eyes locked with mine before driving off recklessly down the street.
“When did Will return home?”
“Later that day,” I sighed. “He was calm, too calm in fact. I apologized profusely, more than anything for not answering him earlier. I tried to explain what happened but he shut me down. All he wanted to know was whether I was still in love with him, if I still wanted to get married.” Of course I did. I was just acting out of hurt. Typical self-destruction. I didn’t need a shrink to tell me that.
I recited our conversation to Bethany.
“I love you, Will. I promise you, it’s not what you think. I—”
“Chloe, stop!” His words halted mine, they were harsh and authoritative. “This never happened. I will not let this tear us apart. Tell me there’s no other man for you.”
There wasn’t. “Will, you’re it for me. I swear to you, I have no interest in anyone else. I didn’t—”
“Enough.” He cut me off again. Will was not open to any discussion around this. “This was nothing more than a misunderstanding. You both left at the same time and went your separate ways. Whatever people choose to speak of this, it’s nothing more than a rumor. Together we will stand against it. Promise me, nobody will come between us.” Will reached for me, pulling me to him. He hugged me like he couldn’t breathe without my presence.
Delicate tears fell on his chest. I was confused by the way he chose to deal with this but I returned the hug like my life depended on it. Denial was never a good avenue to pursue. It wasn’t out style, we talked about everything in detail. I was scared how we would get through this. Did he believe I slept with that guy? Why wouldn’t he let us talk about it? Communication was typically easy between us. I trusted him with everything and he needed to know the truth.
A few minutes passed before I spoke again. “Will, we should talk about this.”
He let me go and cupped my face. “No, little one. There’s nothing to talk about. Whatever happened last night, never happened. You hear me? You are the only woman for me, I love you with all my heart and whatever has been going on with you, we’ll get through it. Together. I’ve cancelled all my work trips for the foreseeable future and I’ll be at your beck and call for anything you need.”
Bethany passed me the tissue box and I wiped away my tears.
“It sounds as though Will felt threatened, terrified he might lose you and was willing to overlook anything to keep you. How did you feel about his lack of interest in talking about the details?”
“Honestly, I didn’t understand it at first. But the more I thought about it, if he was willing to forgive anything I may have done, the details weren’t important. I wish I had of just blurted it out though. I mean seriously, how hard would it have been to say, we kissed, that’s it?”
“Why do you think you didn’t?
“I was naïve, I guess. Foolishly I led myself to believe that Will would never take me for granted if he thought I’d turned to someone else. He seemed so intent on being there for me, part of me felt secure in that knowledge.” A sob escaped my chest. He wasn’t here for me now, and that knowledge broke my heart into millions of tiny pieces. “Despite what my parents were going through,” I cried, “I desperately wanted to believe his commitment signified that nothing could ever get in the way of our love for each other. Together we would be strong enough to face any battle and overcome it.” Fucking stupid!
I brought my hands to my face, to shield the agony pouring down my face in wet tears. My body shook with the pain releasing from my heart, seeping out of my body. A myriad of emotions bottled up for way too long. I sat in Bethany’s company and let it all out. Silent sobs turned to high pitch wails. I reached for the throw rug and brought my knees to my chest. In a ball, I rocked and wept for what felt like hours. Until my tears became stains and my sobs transformed into deep even breaths.
I vaguely remembered Lizzie coming home and Bethany leaving.
“We had a breakthrough today, Lizzie. We covered some good ground. It’s all uphill from here.”
*****
Six Months Later- December 2006
Moving day.
Almost a year had passed and there was still no word from Will. Rumors were circulating that he had started seeing someone named Amanda, but I had no connections that could confirm or deny it.
I decided to leave town and head south to Brisbane. My current employers arranged for me to meet with an advertising agency who were happy to take me on after a telephone interview last week. I couldn’t wait to leave. I was tired of the constant questions, the ridicule.
I underestimated how difficult it was to start over in a small town and I had nobody left. With my parents separated, mom decided to sell the family home and dad moved away for work. Most of my school friends had also moved to Brisbane or the Sunshine Coast for University so I had to travel to see them anyway. Everyone else who once mattered in my life turned their back on me after the debacle with Will.
I didn’t only lose Will that night. I lost my baby, my self-worth and respect from people I’d come to love as my friends and extended family. I would never truly understand why I was the one people hated; I can only assume it was out of loyalty to Will. But that didn’t make it hurt any less.
Chapter Five ~ Second Chances
“Love is not written on paper, for paper can be erased, nor is it etched in stone for stone can be broken. But it is inscribed in a heart and there it shall remain forever.” ~ Unknown
Chloe
Present Day
Five minutes.
It’s all the time I had left to submit this week’s marketing copy to my boss before I rushed out to meet the girls for our weekly Thursday night drinks.
“Are you staying late tonight, Chloe?” Drew, my boss stopped to ask as he was walking past my office.
“Nope, about to email this copy through to you then I’m out,” I answered.
My phone buzzed beside me, a number I didn’t recognize but had noticed on my missed call log the past few days. I silenced the call. It could wait.
“Did you need something before I go?” I asked, desperately hoping whatever it was could h
old off until tomorrow.
“No, I just expected you to be on your way already. It is girls’ night tonight, isn’t it?”
I’d been working for Drew for almost five years now and he probably knew more about my life than anyone else, other than my two best friends, Ava and Mia.
I hit send on the email, started the shutdown process and turned to Drew with a grin, “Check your inbox, copy should be there. Now I’m heading out.”
He laughed, “Sometimes I’d love to be a fly on the wall at these girls’ nights. I imagine they might get a little wild sometimes.”
Drew had no idea. “Not sometimes, Drew. Often,” I told him playfully.
Shaking his head, he said, “Be safe and have fun. See you in the morning.”
I stuffed my laptop into my work bag, grabbed my handbag and swiped my phone from the desk.
“Always,” I told him, and waltzed past him into the hall on my way to the front door.
Thursdays were my favorite day of the week and pretty much my only night out. Ever.
I wrestled my work bag into the back of my brand new baby, a soul red Mazda 6, and my phone started to buzz again as I climbed into the front seat. The new car smell hit me with force. I quickly turned the key and wound down the windows to let some air in.
It was the same number as before. Someone was definitely trying to get a hold of me, so I swiped to answer.
“Hello, this is Chloe.”
A silent pause.
“Hello?”
“Ah, hi. It’s me,” the guy on the other end cleared his throat before continuing. “It’s Will.”
I took a few seconds to take stock of the words and place the voice. It couldn’t be. Could it?
“Um, hi.”
I had no fucking idea how to respond. Why was Will calling? What did he want after ten fucking years?
Feelings of anguish surfaced within me. Taken back to a time, a decade ago, when I was lost. To myself; to the world. Will’s failure to contact me after the assault was brutal. Some years later the pain of losing him and his avoidance, dissipated into anger. I changed. And not for the better. I became complacent with life, I operated out of a volatile mind-set with no regard for my own wellbeing. I sought comfort in alcohol, drugs and men, on a daily basis, trying to forget the pain caused by this man on the other end of the line.