Lost for You

by BJ Harvey

  I walk up and collect it from Luis, who has a huge grin on his face.

  “This was from Brax?” I’m curious as to whether Brax delivered this himself.

  “Yes, ma’am,” he replies politely.

  “Thanks, Luis,” I say, almost skipping back up the stairs.

  Brax is thinking about me. My dramatic breakdown last night hasn’t scared him off completely. That must be a good sign, surely.

  I open the card as soon as I get back in my apartment. The card has a purple butterfly on it. When I open it up, it reads, “To group projects with a beautiful woman”. There is a folded piece of paper included in the card. I unfold it and laugh when I see his receipt from our coffee meeting the first day of class when I first met Brax.

  With a huge smile on my face, I put the card down on the counter. I place my beautiful white lily in a single stem vase and sigh at it, willing my head to hurry up and sort out the mess that is swirling inside.

  Devon and I leave just before lunch on our cross country drive to Los Angeles. We’re aiming to make it in three or four days, taking turns to drive his truck, and staying overnight at whichever clean motels we can find. We both like country music, so thankfully there are no arguments over whose music we have to listen to. With a soundtrack of Blake Shelton, Toby Keith, Garth Brooks and Brad Paisley, we’re all set.

  Although he’s been around for almost a month now, we haven’t really talked about what Devon’s life has been like for the past eight years. We used to hang around the same circles back in the day before I joined the army to straighten myself out. Unfortunately for Devon, he was in too deep with Evans by then, unable to see the wood for the trees.

  “So, you totally on the up and up now?” I ask cautiously.

  “Yep. Just have my good behavior bond for four more years, but other than that I’m straight as a ruler now,” he replies with a grin.

  I grimace before asking my next question. “Talked to your good ol’ dad lately?”

  He frowns, his jaw clenching tight, and his knuckles turning white as he tightens his grip on the steering wheel. “I haven’t spoken a word to the guy since he stitched me up.”

  “He just left you alone? He’s all about the family, bro. He even kidnapped me to try and get Brax and I to work for him. Sounds a bit suss.” He may be many things, but Michael Evans is not one to let sleeping dogs lie. Or, in this case, an incarcerated son who took the fall for him.

  “Not really. He screwed me over, and he’s not dumb. He knows that I want nothing to do with him now. I’m just glad my mother didn’t live to see it.” He can’t hide the sorrow that laces his voice.

  We need a change of subject because this conversation is getting way too serious. “I heard about that. She was a great woman. It’s just a shame she got stuck in your father’s life and couldn’t escape until it was too late.”

  He clears his throat and shrugs his shoulders, trying to brush it off even though I know it’s a sore point. “I’m at peace with it now. She took the only way out. He would’ve never let her go. She stood by him through all his crap, his affair with Brax’s mother, the scandals, and the investigations, but in the end she couldn’t get over what he did to me.”

  “Still sucks,” I say, looking out the window as the world passes by.

  “And how about you?” he asks, quirking an eyebrow. “It’s not like your life was easy after-”

  I see where he’s going now. “Gonna have to shut you down there, bro. I don’t talk about it.”

  He sighs loudly. “If there is one thing I learned inside, Shay, it’s that you have to face the demons to find even the smallest amount of peace in your life.”

  Who is this man, and what has it done with the asshole that used to be Devon Michael Evans?

  “Yeah. Well, don’t think I’ll ever find peace with that until I’m six feet under.”

  “I had an awesome counselor inside. He helped me deal with my mom’s suicide, and with how my father betrayed both of us. The one thing he told me that has stuck with me is a quote from Buddha. ‘Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without’.”

  “Motherfucker. Prison has turned Devon into a believer,” I spit out in shock. Who would have thought that he could go inside and come out three years later a changed man without a chip on his shoulder.

  “Ha ha. Smart ass. You’re a funny fuck, you know that? No, I’m not a born again. I just realized that holding onto stuff from your past will tear you apart. It’s the reason I took my mother’s name instead of Evans when I got out.”

  I nod in agreement. “I noticed that.”

  “It’s not a bad thing to put some distance from that man after what he did,” he murmurs before leaning over and turning the radio up. “Love this song.”

  Subject obviously closed.

  I can’t bring myself to text Elle again, even though I want to. I know that before I can give her any answers, I need more answers myself.

  After Shay and Devon left for LA, I stopped by Elle’s building and dropped off a single white lily with our new doorman. I wish I had the courage to go upstairs and talk to her but right now, but I don’t and I’m not ashamed to admit it. I saw what the truth did to her last night and it crushed me. It felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest, trampled on, and then thrown against a brick wall. I did that to her. If I’d just trusted my gut feeling from the beginning and told her what was going on, we could’ve avoided this. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, isn’t it?

  All night I lay awake next to her, unable to sleep. I couldn’t comprehend how she could still let me take care of her, even though she must think the worst of me right now. The flower I left her this morning is a step towards making all of this up to her. The note was a bit cryptic, but it will all make sense to her in the end. Well, I’m bloody well hoping it does. I’ve been thinking about it all morning; ways to show her how I feel instead of telling her. I need her to want me to come back. I’m not going to force myself back into her life. I did that when I first met her. This time I need to know that she wants me back, even knowing the ugly truth.

  In my bid to get answers, I leave a message with Evans’ office asking for him to call me back. Apart from what Shay and Devon may uncover in LA, he’s the only hope I have of finding out more about Brimstone’s plans, especially if they are working together.

  A few hours later, I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. Pulling it out, I see it’s another unknown number. Three guesses who it is.

  “Braxton,” he says when I answer.

  “Evans, it hasn’t been long enough,” I say spitefully.

  “Now, son. Enough of that. What do you need?” he asks, his voice full of concern.

  “You must know by now that Elle was shot a few weeks ago, a week after I was duped into leaving town,” I explain.

  “Are you serious?” Shit, he actually sounds genuinely shocked. “Gibbons doubled crossed us and pulled me off the job. You saying you had nothing to do with that, or the hit on Elle?” I ask incredulously.

  “Not me, son. I may be many things, but I know what that girl means to you. I just can’t tell you how I’m involved just yet,” he says gruffly.

  “Well, sorry if I don’t quite believe you. What I do need to know is whether the hit came from Brimstone.”

  He pauses for a moment. The silence down the phone dragging on forever. “To be honest, Brax, I don’t know. He’s been throwing options around left right and center, but I didn’t think he’d have the balls to follow through.”

  I growl down the phone at him. “And you didn’t think to tell me about all of this?”

  “And put me in the firing line? That would be a no,” he replies, nonchalantly.

  “Well, why are you involved with Brimstone? You know, the boss says he can’t even work that connection out?”

  He laughs. “Well, Victor’s one to talk, isn’t he. It’s not something you want to know Brax, mainly because it involves your mother.”

  “Leah?” I ask i
n shock. Leah’s the only mother I’ve really known, so it’s pure instinct that she is the first person that comes to mind.

  “No, Brax. The woman who gave birth to you.”

  “The woman who you abandoned after knocking her up, who then dumped me in the foster system? That woman?” I scoff. “I don’t give a shit about her.”

  “Brax, you don’t know the full story. Lately, I’ve been reconsidering my behavior towards her all those years ago. Family has always been important to me, son. That has never changed. “

  “What’s the deal, father dearest? You getting soft in your old age?”

  He cracks up laughing. “You always were a smart ass, even as a baby. It’s a long, sordid story, and to be honest, she has closer connections to you than you even know.”

  “What the fuck does that mean? I’ve tried finding her and came up empty handed.”

  “She changed her name when she got married.”

  “But you know where she is?”

  “I’ve made it my job to keep tabs on her, Brax,” he adds.

  This is all starting to make sense now.

  “You’ve known all along?” I ask, shocked at his admission.

  “Of course. Loose ends and all that.” I can hear a slight softening in his voice. Damn, don’t tell me that Evans has a heart buried somewhere?

  “Look, son. What do you need from me?”

  “I need something on Brimstone to bring him down. Concrete, irrefutable proof. I need to get him out of Brightlight, and out of Elle’s life, once and for all.”

  “You really love that girl, don’t ya Braxton?” he says, reverting to my full name again. I can tell he’s trying to sound gruff and formal again to make up for his earlier admission. “And what do I get in return from you?” he adds.

  “My gratitude. And maybe if you ever sort your shit out and go straight, you might get a chance at redemption.”

  “Me and straight don’t work well together, son. You know that,” he sighs down the phone.

  “Yeah. But I also know that despite the gruff exterior, at one time you did give a shit about my birth mother. Hell, you probably even used to give a shit about me and Devon. I don’t think you would do wrong by me, not now.”

  The phone line goes deathly quiet. I pull it away from my ear to check that he hasn’t hung up. After another thirty seconds he replies, saying the words I don’t expect to hear.

  “I’ll be in touch.”

  I saw him leave, that big tough boyfriend of hers slinking out before dawn. He looked worn out, and it makes my stomach churn thinking of what he was doing with my girl all night.

  That’s who she is. My girl. My destiny. The one loose end left to tie up. And I will. I will succeed at this. I’ve waited a long time, but soon I’ll have her right where I want her. She’ll be on her knees in front of me, begging me to put her out of her misery. Just like those who’ve gone before her.

  No one has ever stuck with me as long as she has. Not once has she left my mind.

  I won’t be able to escape this demon that has continued to haunt me for so long now until I free her from this world.

  Once and for all.

  It’s been a week since he’s been gone. Since that night where everything I thought I knew came tumbling down when Brax uttered the words, “There are some things I need to tell you.”

  Although I haven’t seen him, Brax has delivered a white lily to the front desk every single day, and asked Luis to call me after he’s gone. With each flower, there has been a note with a gift. After the first day with the café serviette, the next day there was a takeaway vanilla latte with my name written on the side from the same cafe. That one made me smile because he somehow remembered that I had ordered a vanilla latte on that first day too.

  Delivery number three was our favorite Chinese takeout menu and a DVD copy of Pitch Perfect, the movie we watched when he came over to my apartment for the first time. That made me smile, what guy would remember something like that unless it meant something to him. I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face all day after that.

  Day four, it was a photo of our bed and our bathroom. I’d recognize those two things anywhere. I instantly blushed when I realized he was remembering when we made love for the first time. His dedication and memory astound me.

  I’ve been spending so much time with doctor’s visits and catching up with school that I haven’t had much time to think about the things he still has to tell me. We need to talk, that’s a given, but I don’t know where we go from here.

  What I have done today is make calls to Brightlight board members, asking them whether they would support me calling an extraordinary board meeting. If Harry Brimstone is dead set on buying the company, at any cost, I’m going to beat him to the punch and oust him as CEO. Fortunately, my financial adviser has told me that I’m in a position to buy him out. To be honest, I can’t think of anything my father would have liked more than for me to be the sole owner of his company. I want it to stay in the family. My family.

  By day five, I’ve caught on to what Brax is up to with his daily gifts, especially when the flower was accompanied by the photo booth photos from Shay’s party. I blushed instantly remembering the exact moment the photos were taken.

  It’s time to see his beautiful face again.

  A week is too long to live without him, and I want to hear what he has to say. I know he’s been parked outside the building every night since I sent him away. No wonder Shay used to always ‘work’ weird hours; he was doing surveillance on me. Every night that he hasn’t been here, I’ve made it a point to go to the window to look out for him. Every night we’ve locked eyes, my green globes boring into his baby blues, the eyes I love to lose myself in. He’s not hiding what he is doing anymore, so I figure that it is time to let him back in.

  Elle: Can you come over this afternoon? I’m ready to talk.

  Brax: Name a time and I’ll be there, sweetheart.

  Elle: 2 pm?

  Brax: See you then.

  Knowing that he’s coming over today, I want to make myself look good for him. The last time he saw me was at my worst, and part of me wonders if that is part of the reason why he has stayed away. Whatever the reason, I want to make damn sure I’m at my best when I see him again. I want him to know that whatever he tells me won’t change the way I feel, now or ever. And that’s how long I want him to stay in my life, forever.

  The boys reached LA a few days ago and have been staying in the one of Victor’s apartments. They’ve managed to track down a bodyguard that has recently been let go by Harry Brimstone. He told them he was fired because he asked too many questions about the things Harry was doing and planning. Shay has also been in contact with Victor who told him a couple of days ago that any trace of his involvement in Brightlight had been taken care of. He gave us the go ahead to do whatever is required to bring Brimstone to his knees. I wish I knew what Victor’s beef with Brimstone was because then I’d know what not to do. The boss man is proving yet again that you do not want to get on his bad side. Ever.

  My phone starts to ring and when I see Shay’s name flash up, I’m glad he checked the time difference.

  “Hey, man. How’s it going?” I say, answering the call.

  “Hey. All good here. That bodyguard I told you about had some good stuff for us. Felt more forthcoming when he saw the money we were flashing around. What do you make of that?”

  “I’m not sure. Interesting that Brimstone would dare use anyone from Brightlight to go against Elle. You’d think that would attract too much attention.”

  “You think Elle has made some calls since I told her that Brimstone was a threat?” he ponders.

  I think on that. I can’t be sure because I haven’t spoken to her for a whole week but knowing how determined she was to hold on to her father’s legacy, anything is possible. “She might have. I’m going over to see her this afternoon, so I can ask her then if you want.”

  “She called?” he asks, not hiding the hop
e in his voice. I love that he really wants us to work through this.

  “She sent me a text actually. Wants to talk. It can’t be a bad thing right?” I ask cautiously.

  “Not at all, bro. You talked to Victor today?”

  “Not yet. Why’s that?” I’m wondering why Victor didn’t call me first.

  “All evidence of his involvement in the company has gone. If anyone was to take a closer look, the only money trail they would find would lead to one person. Take a guess?” he adds with a chuckle.

  “Our friend Harry Brimstone?”

  “You got it. So, once we’ve found out everything we need, we’re set to call it in.” Shay sounds almost giddy with excitement.

  “Finally we’re gaining some ground. I spoke to Evans, and he said he’d get back to me, but I have a feeling any help from him is going to come at a cost far too high for me anyway.” I murmur the last bit because I’m still not sure how far I’m willing to go for his help. If it puts Elle in any danger, he can forget it.

  “Well, let me know what he comes back with. Would be good to have some more ammo up our sleeve. Out!” he says before ending the call.

  I go to put the phone down and notice that a text has come through while I was on the phone.

  Victor: Sylvia Brimstone is heading your way.

  Brax: Why?

  Victor: Not sure.

  Brax: She’s not with Harry anymore. Why are you telling me this?

  Victor: Sylvia may be from LA, but she wasn’t born there.

  Brax: WHAT?!?

  Victor: Hope you’re ready, son.

  This is too much, too soon. I was only talking about her earlier this week and now she’s coming here.

  Then it comes to me. Elle called her. She’s the closest thing Elle has to a mother now, and she would have been the person she turned to when she found out about all of this. Fuck!