by Jackie Lau
“I hate to say this.” My God, did she ever hate to say this. “But do you have a pot on the stove? It sounds like something’s bubbling over.”
“Shit. The pasta water.” He hurried downstairs in the nude to deal with the unfortunate interruption.
Natalie figured she might as well get naked, too. She’d just taken off her underwear when Connor ran back into the room and settled himself on top of her again.
“No more interruptions,” he murmured. “I promise.” He licked his finger and slid it between her legs, circling her clit a few times before pushing inside. “Is this better?”
“I think you know the answer to that.” The last word changed to a moan as he began rubbing her nub with his thumb, and two of his fingers thrust in and out of her body. God, she loved it when he touched her. He bent his head and kissed between her legs, enhancing the pleasure, making it almost too much to bear.
She shattered in his arms.
“Natalie, Natalie,” he said in wonder, as if she had just performed a miracle for him.
She reached for him, circling her hand around his shaft and moving up and down. His fingers were still inside her body, caressing her. Her lips trembled as she looked into his eyes.
He grabbed a condom from the bedside table and rolled it on. He entered her slowly, filling her up. Filling all of her. She couldn’t imagine letting anyone but Connor inside her; he was all she wanted now.
He started moving within her, each thrust so blindingly intense. Dimly, at the back of her mind, she knew there were problems with the two of them being together, knew it wouldn’t work out. But for now, they were here, and that was all that mattered.
She turned her body to the right, and he let her roll them over so she was on top, riding him. She sat up straight and cupped her breasts in her hands, stroking her nipples with her thumbs. She felt powerful here with him, and she wanted him to see everything she could be.
He moved his hips up to meet hers, and she bent down and kissed him, pressing her chest to his. It was so amazing, just feeling his skin against hers.
He flipped her over easily—he was much bigger than her, and so strong, and she loved it—and picked up his pace. The sex became frenzied, and she met each of his quick strokes until he cried out. She followed him a moment later.
Connor stayed inside her, just for a few seconds. His face was slick with sweat, which was rather sexy, and he was breathing heavily.
Natalie was in post-coital bliss. If only they could stay here forever.
But when he pulled out, something was very wrong.
She sat up. “What the hell happened to the condom?”
Chapter 18
Natalie’s heart sped up. She knew she shouldn’t panic, but she couldn’t help it.
“Shit,” Connor said, looking at the broken condom.
She jumped up, ran to the washroom, and sat down on the toilet.
It’s okay, she told herself. You’re going to be okay.
But all she could think of was Anthony, who’d somehow managed to get her pregnant even though they’d had no problems with condoms breaking or leaking. None that she’d noticed, anyway. She remembered telling him about the positive pregnancy test. He’d been excited about the future, while she’d felt like the world was crashing down on her.
She shook her head. She needed to think sensibly about this. First, since there was the possibility of pregnancy, she needed to head to the pharmacy and get the morning-after pill. She wasn’t looking forward to that part. The only time she’d taken the morning-after pill, she’d had nausea and stomach pain.
Okay. She exhaled. She would take the pill, and if she still got pregnant, that would be pretty damn unlucky.
But after what had just happened, she wasn’t feeling particularly lucky.
There was a knock on the door.
“Natalie,” Connor said, “can you please come out so we can talk?”
She must have been in the washroom for a while. She’d lost track of time.
“Just a moment.” She felt tears pricking at the back of her eyes. She splashed water on her face before opening the door.
He pulled her against his body and hugged her before leading her back to the bedroom.
“I don’t want to have this conversation in the nude,” she said.
He nodded before putting on his boxers and pulling out a black T-shirt from his dresser—the polo shirt he’d been wearing earlier was downstairs. He threw her a Queen’s University shirt.
“First of all,” he said, as she was struggling to pull the enormous shirt over her head, “I’ve had one other sexual partner since the last time I was tested.”
He sounded so calm. Like a doctor.
Well, that made sense.
“I always used condoms with her,” he continued, “but, of course, there’s still a chance. I will get tested immediately and let you know. And you?”
“Haven’t been with anyone but you since I was tested a year ago, and all the tests were negative.”
She finally got the T-shirt over her head. The sleeves went down to her elbows, and God help her, but she liked wearing this shirt, which smelled faintly of him. She pulled her knees up to her chest under the large shirt.
“Are you on any other kind of birth control?” he asked. “The pill, an IUD...”
She shook her head. She’d tried the pill before—a few different ones, in fact—but had experienced unpleasant side effects.
“I assume you’ll want to take the morning-after pill,” he said, “but before you go to the pharmacy, I want you to know—”
“No,” she snapped, her argument with Anthony flashing through her mind. “There is no fucking way I’m having your baby. Don’t tell me this is a sign from God or the universe or whatever the hell you believe in. I’m not doing it. I’m taking the morning-after pill, and if that doesn’t work, I’m getting a goddamn abortion. I’ve done it before, and I don’t want to do it again, but I will if I need to. There will be no baby and don’t you dare call me selfish for not wanting to have my life upended like this.”
The fire left her voice. She did feel a bit selfish, actually, continuing on with Connor tonight when she couldn’t give him everything, when she knew she had to let him go.
He tilted his head to the side and regarded her for a moment. “I would never say that. I just wanted to tell you that I have a low sperm count, so the chance of you getting pregnant is very slim, even if you don’t take the morning-after pill. But you can take it for your own peace of mind.”
It took a minute for her brain to comprehend his words, and once she did, she almost laughed. The condom had broken, but she’d just so happened to be with a man who had a low sperm count. Yes, that was rather reassuring, though she would still go to the pharmacy.
“How do you know you have a low sperm count?” she asked.
“Sharon and I were trying to have a baby. After a year without success, we both got checked out and discovered that the problem was me.”
He’d just confirmed what she’d already been sure of. He wanted a baby. The men she slept with always did. She’d known that, but now that he’d said it, she felt an ache in her chest.
“Tell me about the abortion.” He sat behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist. “It sounds like it really upset you.”
She relaxed, just a tiny bit, against him. “The abortion itself didn’t upset me, but the circumstances around it did.” Her voice was a touch shaky. “Do you remember Anthony? I think you met him a couple times.”
“Is he the one who worked for the government?”
“It’s Ottawa. A lot of people work for the government.”
“Did he have a moustache?”
“He did have one for a while. It looked stupid on him.” She paused. “We always used condoms, but somehow, I got pregnant. I knew what I was going to do, but I figured I’d tell him about it. I mean, he was my boyfriend, right? As soon as the word ‘pregnant’ came out of my mouth, he got all
excited and talked about moving in together and how it was a ‘sign.’ God, it was awful.” She wrapped her arms more tightly around her knees. “I told him to go fuck himself—”
“Of course you did,” Connor murmured.
“And I told him I was getting an abortion, no matter what his feelings were on the matter. He was offended that anyone would ever think of aborting something that had been fertilized with his sperm. He said he was pro-choice, but it sounded like he’d harshly judge any woman he knew, not just his girlfriend, for making this particular choice. He told me he would propose if I kept it, and I—”
“Told him to go fuck himself again?”
“Yeah. Pretty much.” She fiddled with the hem of her shirt. She was going to tell Connor the truth now; it seemed like the right time to do it. This, presumably, would be the end of whatever was between them.
Earlier she’d freaked out on him, remembering what had happened with Anthony, but she knew he wouldn’t respond like her ex and call her names when he learned she never wanted to be a mother.
However, he’d just admitted to trying to have a baby with his ex. They were not compatible.
Although she’d known Connor for years, it felt like she’d just found him, and now she would lose him again. She’d put off telling him in part because she’d wanted to be able to fantasize that it would work out, but it was time to put an end to those silly fantasies.
It was time for the cold, hard truth. She’d planned to end this tonight anyway, even before the broken condom.
Interesting that she’d never told him before about not wanting kids; he was a good friend, after all. She’d told some of her friends, like Kara, but maybe it had seemed more awkward with a male friend.
“The thing is...” She didn’t look at him; it was easier this way. “The thing is, I don’t want to have a baby at all. Not just with Anthony, but with anyone. I don’t want to get pregnant and give birth, nor do I want to adopt. I don’t want to raise a kid. It’s not that I don’t think I’m capable of it—actually, I’m pretty sure I could do it, though I doubt I’d be an amazing mom. But I don’t want to, and my mind isn’t going to change the instant you put a baby in my hands, and I highly doubt I’ll regret it when I’m older. I’m thirty-six. I know myself by now. Yes, it’s partly because I don’t want to bring a child into this overpopulated, fucked-up world with the scary rise in global temperatures, but that’s only a small part of it. It’s just not for me. And it’s not because I’m selfish or don’t like children—”
“Natalie.”
She didn’t blame him for interrupting. She’d been rambling, trying to refute everything that had ever been said to her. Putting off the moment when they would go back to just being friends, when they would no longer snuggle up together, partially clothed, on his bed.
He put his hands on her shoulders and turned her around to face him. To her surprise, he was smiling.
“Of course I don’t think you’re selfish,” he said, “and I believe you when you say you won’t change your mind. In fact, I don’t want children, either.”
She couldn’t make sense of his words. It had been such a long week. She must be imagining this. “You don’t?”
“I thought I did, but I was relieved when Sharon didn’t get pregnant. When she suggested IVF and adoption, that’s when I knew for sure it was something I never wanted. It was the beginning of the end of our marriage.”
She stared at him, still unable to wrap her mind around this.
After Anthony, she’d been serious about dating for a year, determined to find someone like her. But inevitably, she’d been attracted to men who wanted to start a family and who assumed that, being a childless woman in her thirties, she must be desperate to do so, too. They seemed to think she was motherly, although what it was about her that screamed “mother,” she wasn’t sure.
And after she’d changed her online dating profile to say “child-free,” she’d gotten nothing but dick pics and offensive messages using the word “exotic” or similar. Not that she hadn’t gotten those before, but they quickly became the only things she received.
Oh, the joys of online dating.
She’d reluctantly accepted that she’d never have a real future with a man. She couldn’t find a half-decent guy who wanted what she did and liked her as she was.
But now, a man was saying he wanted the same thing as her, a man she very much desired.
It was exactly what she wanted, and she couldn’t comprehend it.
“Last weekend,” Connor said, “I was thinking about us being together, but I assumed you wanted a family. Then I started thinking...maybe I shouldn’t assume that. You’d never talked about it, after all. And I was right.” He pulled her closer. “After I made you dinner tonight, I was going to ask if you wanted to see each other—not just as friends who sometimes end up in bed together. I was going to tell you about not wanting to have kids since, especially at our age, it’s best to be upfront about that sort of thing. But things didn’t work out as planned, so...” He took her hands and squeezed them. “Natalie Chin-Williams, will you go out with me? It’s only been a week since I first kissed you, but we’ve known each other for nearly two decades. I know I want this to be something serious, and I mean it when I say I just want it to be the two of us, not the two of us plus a houseful of kids.”
She pictured the two of them on their wedding day. It had only been a week since they’d become more than friends, but she knew she wanted that eventually. Oh, she wanted it. With him.
Perhaps it really was possible after all...
No, it wasn’t.
It was too good to be true.
Fantasies did not become reality, not for her.
She thought of her parents. If they couldn’t make it, how did she have a hope? She was cranky and bad-tempered and so very used to being alone. She would screw up any relationship. It was inevitable, and she couldn’t bear to screw things up with Connor Douglas, didn’t want to put him through that when he’d already gone through a divorce. He was too good for her; he deserved better.
Which was exactly what she’d thought this afternoon. The circumstances were a little different now that he’d revealed he didn’t want a chubby-faced baby, but she still knew it was true.
“Darling,” he said, sliding his hand under her chin and tipping her face up.
And, oh, that word undid her, but she wouldn’t let herself break down, not now.
“I can’t do this,” she said.
He frowned. “You don’t want to be together?”
“Sex doesn’t mean a woman wants a relationship.”
“I know. But it feels like something more to me, and I thought you felt the same way.” He paused. “You said you can’t do this, but what you mean is that you don’t want to do this?”
“Yes. That’s right.”
He looked at her skeptically, and he was right to be skeptical. She did want this, very much so. She just didn’t see how they could possibly make it work, how she could possibly make it work. She was terrible at these things. She thought back to her fight last weekend with Rebecca, to her many ex-boyfriends... It was silly to think this would be any different, just because it was Connor and he didn’t want children.
She needed to extricate herself from this situation right away.
“I should go,” she said, starting to get up.
“Natalie, don’t do this.”
“I don’t want you!” she shouted.
His face collapsed at her words, and it pained her withered, blackened heart to see him like that, but this was for the best. It was the only real option.
He climbed out of bed and tried to put his arms around her. “Tell me what’s going on.”
She pushed him away. “I’ll get dressed, go to the pharmacy to buy the morning-after pill, and head home.”
“I was planning to make you dinner.”
“It was going to be romantic, and I don’t want that.”
“Please,” he said
quietly. “I love you.”
She froze.
He didn’t just like her for who she was—he loved her.
She didn’t know what to do with that, couldn’t fully comprehend it. Last weekend, he’d made her hopeful, made her feel like maybe she wasn’t unlovable...and she’d considered herself foolish for believing that.
For a moment, she wondered if perhaps she hadn’t been foolish after all, but then the truth came rushing back. Perhaps they could have a few good months together, but she couldn’t imagine it would be more than that, not for a cantankerous woman like her with a long history of failed relationships. She would mess it up. He would fall out of love with her.
It would be less painful to put an end to this now. Why try something that she knew was doomed? That would truly be selfish.
She turned away from him without returning his words, without accepting them.
Five minutes later, she was walking to the bus stop.
When she paid for the pill at the pharmacy, her lip quivered, and she thought she might cry. But Natalie Chin-Williams did not cry, except during Moneyball and after uncomfortable brunches with her family, and she forced the tears back.
Connor would have come to the pharmacy if she’d let him. He would have looked after her if she got nauseous from the pill. He would have held her in his arms all night. But she wouldn’t let him do any of that.
He needed better than her. He deserved better. And it would never last between them anyway.
She sent him a text. Please get tested and send me the results.
Chapter 19
Ariana drew a purple squiggle on a piece of paper. She added a large, somewhat circular head with two eyes and a smiling mouth. “It’s a snake!”
“I can see that,” Connor said. His niece was sitting at her kid-sized table, and he was on the floor beside her.
“Now I’m going to make a map of the world.” Ariana got out a fresh piece of paper. In the corner, she drew a house and a rectangle with her purple crayon. “This is our house, and that’s daycare. Can you label them for me, please?”