by Addison Jane
“I’m sorry,” Crew laughed as he crouched down and picked up my book off the floor, trying to straighten the pages which had been crumpled in the process. “I said your name before I touched you, but obviously you didn’t hear me.”
I took a deep breath, letting it out with an airy laugh. “And here I thought I was pretty aware of my surroundings,” I said with a shake of my head.
Crew just grinned and took a seat beside me, handing me my textbook and dumping his duffle bag on the ground with a loud thump. Crew lived in Dakota’s and my dorm. We’d met more than a few times, as Dakota had been out on a couple of ‘not very serious’ dates as she would call them, with his roommate Dion. Both the boys were at U of A on football scholarships, and they both had the kind of bodies you’d expect to find on a football player.
Tall, broad, athletic.
Abs for days.
Not that I’d stared for a few seconds too long when I saw Crew walking down the hallway in his towel from the shower. And fortunately for me, I didn’t have to feel guilty about staring because Crew was as gay as the night was dark. Even though by looking at him and talking to him, you’d never guess.
“You heading somewhere?” Crew asked casually.
“Nah, I just really like to hang out at the airport,” I answered with a smirk.
He nodded enthusiastically, pointing across the vast space. “Me, too. That lady over there has been on her phone for forty minutes asking her daddy for money to upgrade her to first class.”
I followed his finger, tilting my head curiously. The woman was wearing a dress that was far too short and had hair that hung down past her shoulders which looked like it had been bleached so many times she was lucky it was still attached to her head. “She looks a little old to be still asking her father for money.”
When I turned back to look at him, he winked with a wide grin. “I’m almost positive it’s a different kind of Daddy she’s talking to.”
I couldn’t hold in the laughter, even though it should really make me cringe. Like the lady had heard me and known I was laughing at her, she looked over, hitting me with a narrowed glare, quickly shutting me up.
Crew coughed, trying to hold a laugh under his breath. I elbowed him in the ribs, and the both of us stilled until Daddy’s girl looked away.
“So, what are you doing here? Heading somewhere?” I asked, teasing him with the same stupid question he’d asked me.
He grinned, his face lighting up and the dimple in his left cheek making me suddenly want to pinch them. “I’m from Houston, flying home to see my mama.” The way he said mama was so sweet and southern, with the hint of an accent I hadn’t picked up on before. “She makes the best chicken fried steak you’ll ever eat. I’ll probably come back twenty pounds heavier for it, and football practice will be like torture.”
“Maybe try not to eat too much of it then?” I suggested, smiling and rolling my eyes.
He placed his hand over his heart and gasped. “And offend my mama? No way.”
Even though I knew he was being dramatic, I couldn’t help but think that Crew wasn’t the type you’d think of as your typical mama’s boy. He was handsome, a little rugged, with a side of boy next door. His short blond hair spiked up on top of his head, and he had the lightest brush of bristles across his face which made him look older than he was, and the red tinge in them I found kind of cute.
Not only that, but he had style. The leather jacket he was wearing wasn’t fake like I saw a lot of the kids on campus wearing, and he had it paired with a pair of black jeans, a plain gray T-shirt and a few chains here and there. Yep, he really knew who he was.
He just so happened to be everything that not long ago I would have found myself wishing would take notice of me, but that seemed so far out of my reach.
This time, extremely far out of my reach given I had the wrong body parts to satisfy his needs.
He leaned in close to me, sinking low in his seat so his mouth was close to my ear. “You know that guy across there has been giving you the eye, hoping you’ll notice him for at least the past hour?” He kept his hands in his lap but pointed with his finger.
The second I looked, a young man with black rimmed glasses and casual clothing instantly met my eye. He smiled, but I quickly looked away.
“Um… ouch,” Crew noted, screwing up his nose.
“It’s not him…” I started but his face instantly cracked, and he snorted out a laugh, the both of us knowing the words that were going to come next, and just how cliché they were. “That sounded stupid, sorry. Long story short… I’m still trying to put myself back together. And honestly, it’s been really hard.”
The smile dropped from his face, and he nodded a gentle and nonjudgmental understanding. “For what it’s worth, I hope he knows what he’s missing out on.”
I hope he knows too.
The muffled sound of a lady’s voice came over the speakers, calling a bunch of numbers that I assumed was a flight.
Crew must have better hearing than I did because he stood and picked up his bag. “That’s my flight.” he grinned. “We’ll catch up when you get back?”
I nodded. “Absolutely.”
He gave me a wave and took off, his long strides carrying him quickly into the distance. I exhaled a long breath, and slumped into the uncomfortable hard plastic airport chairs, feeling like I escaped a situation that made my body twist and turn and just all around feel uncomfortable.
But why?
Things had been okay until he expressed some kind of interest in me.
Then I suddenly turned into this weird, awkward girl who couldn’t form her words properly to talk without it coming out all cliché and fundamentally insulting.
It happened every single time.
Well actually, no, not every time.
Not with Ham.
He never let me get that far. He always took control, made me feel comfortable, turning the butterflies in my stomach into beautiful and electric fireworks.
With him, it was easy.
It was never awkward.
My body knew him. Knew his voice. Knew his touch. And none of that ever made me nervous. It made me excited, and happy.
God, why did everything always come back to him?
I couldn’t even have a guy hit on me without comparing him to Ham.
Everything came back to him—the happy moments, the sad moments, the times where I was confused and not sure whether I was up or down.
He was the most joy I’d ever experienced.
But he was also the most pain.
Something needed to change. Anything.
I hit Mom’s house first, and she’d almost leaped out of her skin when I appeared in the kitchen while she was cutting up vegetables for dinner.
Denver acted like he didn’t care, but he still gave me a hug which he hadn’t done since he was little.
Macy was there, too, and man could that kid scream.
I spent the night at home. Telling my mom all about college, about the papers I was taking and the friends I’d made—even though I’d already told her most of it on the phone. Leaving out the part about the club I was working in being more strip club than the restaurant slash bar I’d told her it was.
The next morning, I was driving up to the clubhouse in Mom’s car after offering to drop Macy off for her, so I could see Uncle Leo and Hadley and have cuddles with Creed.
My stomach twisted into knots as I pulled up at the gates, and Levi stepped up to the driver’s door with a confused look on his face. “Hey, Meyah, wasn’t expecting to see you until next weekend.”
I shrugged. “Had to shuffle a few things around. Couldn’t get away next weekend and wanted to see everyone.” His head bobbed up and down. “Uncle Leo home?”
“Yeah, girl, head in. I’m sure everyone’s going to be surprised.” The tone of his voice seemed a little off, like he wasn’t sure about what the reaction would be to my homecoming.
Maybe it was a mistake.
What if I walked in there and Ham was there?
What if he’d already moved on?
The hurt I’d felt when I’d walked in on him and Jess was going to be nothing compared to what I was going to feel if I had to see him with someone else. My heart leaped up into my throat, and suddenly I thought maybe this wasn’t a good idea. Perhaps I wasn’t ready to see him again. I fucking loved him. I was meant to be his old lady. I was meant to be standing at his side supporting him and doing all those things that the other old ladies had talked about.
Loving him when things weren’t perfect.
Loving him when I knew he was out doing bad things.
Loving him when I knew it could get me killed.
I was ready to do that.
To fucking throw it all in, and just let whatever be will be. I was ready to live in the moment and be thankful for the time we had, knowing it could end at any moment.
At least, I thought I was.
I’d convinced myself I was.
But then it was all over.
A door opened, and I took the first exit and ran.
Everything I’d prepared myself for, everything I’d imagined for the past year, it was all gone and I was left hurt, confused, and without my rock to keep me grounded.
I heard a click, but I didn’t move. My door was open, I knew Uncle Leo was standing there. Tears burned at my eyes as I leaned back in the seat, my hands in my lap, trying to keep some kind of control over my emotions. In reality, I wanted to throw the car into reverse and just get the hell out of there.
“I need to go.” My voice was barely a whisper, I didn’t even recognize it, and it was nowhere near as strong as I’d imagined it in my head. Confidence was apparently out the window, and everything I’d imagined myself doing or saying was all a joke.
“You need to get out of the car,” Uncle Leo ordered, reaching in and switching off the ignition before pulling the keys out and tucking them into his back pocket.
My heart hurt. It was hard to breathe.
I’d done okay up until now.
I cut the ties and walked away.
I tried to make myself a different person. A person who could stand on her own two feet and be independent.
But there was still part of me who was that same girl who ran out of the clubhouse that day, thinking the guy who had slowly tightened his hand around my heart, capturing it as his, would hold it close and protect it. But instead, he’d ripped it from my chest and tossed it away like a regular piece of trash.
“Meyah. Get out of the car.”
Another door clicked open and my eyes flicked to the rearview mirror where Blizzard was reaching in and helping Macy out of the car. Macy was looking at me with wide and confused eyes, like she didn’t know how I could be happy and singing along to Taylor Swift with her one moment, and then the next suddenly be a mental case who needed locking up the next.
I shook my head and reached up to pinch between my eyes. “What the hell am I doing? I shouldn’t have come. I’m not ready to see him.”
“Meyah—”
“I just want to go—”
“He’s not here,” Uncle Leo cut in, grabbing my chin in his hand and turning my gaze toward him. I met his eyes, expecting to see anger to match his harsh tone. But instead, I saw worry and fear. He searched my eyes as if he was scanning for injuries.
They were there, but he would never find them.
They were too deep.
His other hand swept through my hair before coming around to my cheek. He cradled my face in his hand and released a heavy sigh. “Baby girl, you’re okay. Ain’t nothing gonna hurt you here, I promise.”
Club members were standing around, old ladies too, all looking at me with a mixture of sadness and pity—that one look I’d been trying to avoid for months now.
I felt like a fucking idiot.
I inhaled a shaky breath that, before blowing it out long and slow, then launched myself at Uncle Leo. He caught me in his arms and squeezed me tightly against his body. That soothing smell of leather and the brush of his beard against my face was home, something I’d missed more than I could have ever anticipated.
“Damn it, girl, it’s good to fucking see you. But I thought you were gonna come home next weekend.”
I forced a smile, trying to find my composure as he lowered me to my feet. “I couldn’t get off work next weekend. I thought I’d surprise you.”
“Well, trust me, I’m surprised.” I didn’t miss the way he looked over me at the people surrounding us before his eyes came back to settle on me. “Come on. Let’s go inside.”
Something was wrong.
I stood a little taller, narrowing my eyes at my uncle. “What’s going on?” I turned, looking at the handful of brothers and old ladies who were standing around us. “Why’s everyone being weird?”
So much for thinking this was going to be a big surprise, and that everyone would be excited to see me like I was to see them.
He’s not here.
My heart skipped a beat and my brow knotted.
“Where is he?”
Suddenly, my stomach was churning, and it wasn’t at the idea of seeing Ham.
It was twisting at the idea of why he wasn’t there.
What the hell was going on?
“Come on, Meyah. Let’s go—”
“Where. Is. He?”
It was Romeo who stepped out of the clubhouse, his arms folded across his chest, and he held that familiar scowl on his face. His eyes were deadly and dark like he hadn’t smiled since I was gone, and he was drowning in something.
I thought I was prepared.
But it was the words that came out of his mouth next that I never expected.
“He’s in Limestone County Jail.”
My uncle whipped his head around and glared at Romeo, who just straightened his shoulders and lifted his chin.
“She deserved to fucking know.”
I was too stunned to say anything for a few seconds.
“Is that a j-joke?” I asked, my voice catching as I fought through a mix of emotions hit me.
When no one answered, I realized it wasn’t a joke. They were serious. Ham was in the fucking county jail, and I had no damn idea.
“He didn’t want you to know,” Blizzard commented, as he leaned against the building as if that was all the explanation needed.
But instead, it was like a punch in the gut.
He asked them to keep it from me.
I wasn’t sure what upset me more. The fact he was locked up in a jail cell, or that he’d asked them to keep it from me.
This was my family, too.
“How long as he been there?”
“Since the day you ran out of here like the devil was on your heels,” Romeo responded—obviously the only one who was going to.
No one else was saying anything, but I knew why. They had loyalty to Ham, one that they wouldn’t give up for fucking anything—not even me.
Romeo though, his loyalty was completely different.
Romeo would protect his brother at any cost, but he wouldn’t keep his mouth closed when he felt like something needed to be said.
He’d been locked up since I left.
I honestly didn’t know what to feel. I fucking loved him—that’s bullshit, I still love him. I didn’t want to see him in jail, locked up like an animal, treated like shit, with no one at his back. I didn’t want that for anyone I cared about, whether he and I were together or not.
I knew he’d be missing his family.
I knew he’d be feeling alone.
I wanted to hate him. To be able to think that he deserved it for what he’d done—a dose of karma. But I didn’t feel that way at all, and that made me more fucking upset.
“Is he getting out?”
There was a silent question between the men, moving from one to the other.
Should they tell me now that I knew?
Or should they still keep their mouths closed?
It was Optimus that finally spoke up, “We’re hoping he might be out this coming week if the court date goes well.”
I opened my mouth, ready to barrage him with questions, but he held up his hand, a stern look on his face.
“You need to talk to him about the rest. It’s not up to us. It was his request to keep you in the dark, and all we did was follow it.”
I gritted my teeth and turned to my uncle, feeling hurt and angry. “Is this why you didn’t want me to come home until next weekend?”
He didn’t answer, but I already knew the answer.
“Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you say something?”
It was a lie. One that my entire family had been in on.
Uncle Leo and Hadley—the two people I looked up to and loved more than anything. Emma, my best friend. These people who I’d called my family.
Suddenly, I felt like that wasn’t the case at all.
I was embarrassed and angry.
I felt stupid.
They all knew.
“Let’s go inside, Meyah,” Uncle Leo insisted, reaching for me.
I snatched my arm away from his grasp, staring up at him with narrowed eyes and tears balancing on my lashes. He clenched his jaw tightly, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw people start to move away and head inside. Only Romeo, Blizzard, and Optimus stayed, but they stood back.
“You’re his old lady. His. It’s his call. Not mine.”
“Not anymore. He gave up that right the moment he stuck his dick inside another girl.” I saw my uncle clearly flinch at my use of words, but I didn’t care. I wasn’t a little girl anymore. After I said the words, something else clicked inside my head, and instantly, I felt like the world was caving in around me. “But that was something you all knew about, too, wasn’t it, and nobody said a damn thing.”
Uncle Leo shook his head. “You don’t just walk away from being an Old Lady, Meyah. That’s not how it works here.”
“Yeah. I’m starting to see how it works here. You take his side, and screw how I feel about it,” I threw back. “The word family mean anything to you?”
“Yeah, it means a lot to me,” he growled, in a tone I’d heard him use before, but he’d never directed at me. It sent a chill through my body. It made me want to run, get the hell out of there, and Leo had always been the one I would run to when I was scared. “But apparently, you’re willing to turn your back on it in the blink of an eye and fly halfway across the damn country like we don’t matter. Without even a fucking goodbye.”