by Dinah McLeod
I swallowed hard at the thought and felt my cheeks flush with embarrassment. "Yes, but… I really am sorry."
"Well, so am I. I'm sorry that I haven't treated you better."
I flushed hotter. "You… you've been wonderful," I admitted, ducking my head so I wouldn't have to meet his eyes.
"In that case, what have I done to deserve this kind of treatment from you?"
Nothing. I knew it, and clearly he did too, but I couldn't bring myself to say it. In fact, my throat was clogged with shame and tears to the point where I couldn't speak at all.
"Over my knee, Cara."
I'd never heard him speak so sharply before, even before a punishment, and it made my heart leap. "Kevin, maybe we should wait—"
"Oh, and let you out of your punishment?"
I flinched at the sarcasm in his voice, even knowing I probably deserved it. "That's not what I'm saying. Just, you're pretty angry right now… maybe if you have some time—"
"You're right, I am angry. I've done my best to be nothing but good to you, despite the fact that you're in a bad mood every single day when I come home. I don't know how much more of this I can put up with."
I drew back, just out of arm's reach, and folded my arms across my chest defensively. "Look, I know that things have been hard lately, but—"
"You're right, they have, and as far as I can tell they're not showing any signs of improving, unless you can get over whatever is the matter with you."
"I'm sorry, Kevin."
"So you keep saying."
I averted my eyes and bit my lip, hard, trying to keep from crying. I knew that he wanted to spank me, and knew that I deserved it, but I just couldn't bring myself to drape myself over his knee, as he was clearly waiting for me to do. He could have reached me easily; if he'd pulled me to him, I wouldn't have fought him. Yet, he obviously wanted me to submit myself, and I didn't think I had it in me.
I don't know how long I stood there, my feet frozen in place as I looked away, or how long he sat there, waiting for a show of submission that I couldn't give. When he finally pushed his chair away from the table, I flinched at the sound, my body beginning to tremble as he moved closer. Yet somehow, it was a relief to think we would be getting it over with. Maybe afterward, things would get better. Maybe we could talk about all the things that were bothering us, and just maybe I could admit to all the feelings I was keeping locked up deep inside.
But he didn't take me by the arm, he didn't even touch me. He seemed to be trying his best to make sure that not even the sleeve of his shirt came into contact with me as he walked right on by. When I realized he wasn't coming back, I swallowed hard and finally let the tears come.
***
"Good morning." I forced myself to smile, the way I'd been doing all morning. "How are you feeling this morning, Shelby?"
"All right, I guess." When she smiled, it was clear that her heart wasn't in it, either.
"Are you in pain?" I asked as I laid the chart down and moved closer to take her temperature and check her blood pressure.
"Not much."
"Well, that's good," I said brightly. "You won't be in here much longer."
"You've been saying that every day for two weeks now," she pointed out with a slightly more genuine smile.
"So I have." Though most patients were only with me for a day or two, Shelby was one of the rare cases. Brought in with an early diagnosis of preeclampsia, the doctor had prescribed her complete bed rest, which she clearly didn't enjoy.
"How are you this morning, Cara?"
"Hey!" I protested with a laugh. "Who's the patient here?"
"Sorry. You just don't seem like your usual bubbly self, that's all."
"I'm fine," I assured her, with conviction I didn't come close to feeling.
"Okay," she replied with a small shrug, making it obvious that she didn't believe me.
"How's Dean?" I asked, eager to change the subject.
"You know him," Shelby said and laughed. "He's chomping at the bit, since this isn't a problem he can solve."
I nodded in understanding as I looked over her vitals. Many expectant fathers were a bit overprotective, but Shelby's took the cake. He was in the Army, and clearly used to having his orders obeyed—even by his wife. I'd noticed his stern yet loving way with her; to be honest, it was hard to miss. I'd heard a few nurses whispering about it, but hadn't joined in. The truth was that Colonel Davies made me feel a bit uncomfortable. I wasn't sure whether it was his assuming manner or the way he made people jump when he issued an order, but either way, I tended to make myself as scarce as possible when he was around. Still, it was more than evident that he loved his wife, so he couldn't be all bad.
"And Morgan?" I asked after her teenage son. Shelby, nearly thirty weeks pregnant, would be starting all over again when her daughter arrived.
"Oh, he seems to be managing all right. And how's Kevin?"
I should have seen the question coming. If I had, maybe I could have dodged it before I ended up stammering some ridiculous answer. "Oh, ah, yeah. He's good. He's just… working a lot."
It was obvious Shelby could see right through my false smile, but she very kindly didn't call me out on it. I didn't want to talk about it—I didn't even want to think about it; not that that would be easy now she'd brought it up.
"I know how that can be," she said with a little sigh. "Sometimes, being a wife can be very lonely."
I had been fiddling with the blood pressure cup and looked up in surprise. No one had been so frank with me before, and from the wistful tone in her voice, Shelby knew what she was talking about.
"Sometimes, it's even lonely when he's right there," I admitted softly, dropping my eyes. I knew I shouldn't be confiding in someone who was practically a stranger—who was my patient, no less—but I just had to talk to someone, and it didn't feel like I could talk to Kevin these days.
"You haven't been married long, have you?"
"Six months."
"Everything's still new," she told me in a soothing voice. "It'll get better."
"I don't know. If things are this hard at six months, maybe…" Maybe I made a mistake, I finished silently.
"Marriage is hard, Cara. Very hard. I don't know why more people aren't honest about it, but that's the harsh reality. Have you tried talking to him?"
"Of course."
"Well, try again. Sometimes, men need to hear the same thing a few times before they get the point. And take my advice; make sure you don't approach him with hostility, or anger. That only tends to make things worse."
If anyone else had said it, I would have been offended, but Shelby was at least fifteen years my senior, and had a very nurturing quality about her. "Okay. I'll give it a shot."
"Let me know how it goes, okay?" She gave me a wink as I let myself out the door.
***
Shelby was right. I had to talk to Kevin—really talk to him. I'd listen to him this time, without all the anger and hurt feelings. I wanted us to work. I loved him, and that had to mean that us being together wasn't a mistake. I had to believe that, because if I let my mind explore that line of thinking for too long I ended up with my stomach in knots.
"Eileen, do you think it's possible that I could leave a little early today?" The words came out in a rush, and when my boss turned to me, her gray brows arched, I bit down on my lip hopefully.
"Is everything all right?"
"Um, yes. I mean, I think so. Just… I have some things I need to, ah, take care of."
"I see." She pursed her lips and her glasses slid down her long, beak-like nose as she appraised me. "I suppose. Just make sure this isn't a regular thing, understand?"
"Yes, yes, I understand," I rushed to assure her. I was so grateful that I could have hugged her, and nearly did, but the look in her dark brown eyes wasn't overly inviting and I backed off at the last second. "Thank you."
"See you tomorrow, bright and early."
"Bright and early," I chirped, almost bouncing
on the balls of my feet in excitement. When Eileen turned away, I knew I'd been dismissed and took my leave swiftly, lest she change her mind.
I fished through my purse as I powerwalked down the hallways. Finally, my fingers clasped around my cell and I pulled it out, already dialing. I was sporting an ear to ear grin as I listened to it ring, eager to share my news. I was disappointed when it went through to voicemail, but before my smile could fade, I realized that this might be even better. Now I could show up early and surprise him. Kevin loved surprises.
"This is just what we need," I said aloud as I drove home. I'd surprise him and maybe we'd go out to dinner, get out of the house, just the two of us. Maybe we could finally talk about the distance I felt shooting up between us. He had to feel it, too. He had to know that things weren't right. After all, he'd been trying to fix them long before I'd even admitted they were there. Biting down on my lower lip, I realized that I owed him an apology for all the times I'd been lukewarm to his kind gestures. I'd make it up to him. I'd see to it.
When I pulled into the driveway, I felt the butterflies in my stomach, excited at the prospect of seeing Kevin and setting things right between us. "Honey?" I called as I opened the door. "Guess who got home early?" I frowned when I realized that the lights were all off. He was home, wasn't he? Flicking the light switch on, I tried to remember if I'd seen his car in the driveway. "Babe? I was thinking we could go out to dinner, if you were up for it."
"Good thing, because you have absolutely nothing in your fridge."
My blood froze at the sound of the familiar voice. No. No freakin' way. And yet, when I turned around, it was Amber's glittering eyes and malicious smile that I saw.
Chapter Seven
"What are you doing here, in my house?" I demanded, crossing my arms over my chest defensively.
"Kevin didn't tell you?" she asked, her eyes widening innocently. "That's strange, I thought you two talked about everything."
I scowled at the mockery in her voice. "You listen, you little brat—"
"No, you listen," she interrupted, her voice imperious and cold. "You really need to think that sentence through before you say it. Remember, I'm Kevin's sister. Think about how he'll feel knowing you were mean to me."
"I'm his wife! I think that trumps sister."
"Does it?" Her eyes widened even further. "Are you sure?"
Damn it, she had me there, and worse, the smug little smile curving her lips told me that she knew it. Even before my mind formed a reply I was already doubting myself. Yes, I was his wife, but what was six months against the girl he'd grown up with?
"You stay right here," I said finally, not nearly as firmly as I would have liked. "I'll be back."
"Sure," she replied, all sugary sweetness. "Don't forget about dinner. I like Chinese."
I gave her a glare that couldn't even come close to summing up all my feelings at the moment and stomped to our bedroom. I'd dialed Kevin's number and had the phone pressed to my ear even before the door had closed behind me.
"Hello?"
"I hate Chinese!" I practically shouted at him.
"What? Cara? What's going on?"
"What's going on? What's going on?" I echoed in disbelief. "Why wouldn't you tell me that your sister is here?"
"Wait a minute, slow down. Amber's there?"
The surprise in his voice helped my blood cool, if only slightly. "You didn't know?"
"Of course I didn't know, honey. If I had, do you think I would be at work? Do you honestly think I wouldn't have told you?"
I chewed on my lower lip for a moment before I replied, "No, of course not."
"Well, we can't exactly throw her out. Find out what she's doing there and I'll get home as soon as I can," he said.
"Okay."
"Oh, and by the way, what are you doing home early?"
"No reason," I mumbled, my earlier excitement having evaporated. "I'll see you when you get here." Once we'd exchanged our goodbyes and I'd hung up, I flopped down on the bed, staring morosely at the door. I knew Amber was out there, somewhere, on the other side of it and it made me really reluctant to leave the sanctuary of my bedroom.
Come on, Cara. You're a grown woman—she's just a sixteen-year-old girl! Nothing you can't handle. But despite the little pep talk, even I didn't believe me.
***
"Come on," Amber wheedled. "You have to eat sometime."
"I will," I replied levelly. "When Kevin gets home."
"But I'm hungry now!" she whined, sounding like a two-year-old if ever I'd heard one.
"Then be my guest, check the fridge."
"Are you always this moody?" she asked, flopping into the armchair with a loud sigh. "Or is it because you're menstruating?"
"Amber! I am not!"
"Fine, you're about to be," she grumbled.
Suddenly, I felt the air in the room grow chilly. How could she know that? Unless…
"Have you been going through my stuff?"
"No, of course not," she said, putting on that 'aw-shucks' innocent act she was so fond of.
"Amber, tell me right now; did you go into my bedroom before I got home?"
"I might have," she said and shrugged, her tone bored. "I might have tried on some of your clothes. I might have taken a peek in your bathroom."
My stomach lurched. So she had seen it. I'd left the pregnancy test in the trash can, never imagining I had a reason to hide it. And she never would have gone through the trash if I hadn't left the box right on the counter. For a moment, I felt like an idiot, but then I got angry instead. This was my house! Why should I feel foolish for leaving things lying around in my own house?
"How dare you," I hissed, narrowing my eyes. "I can't believe you'd go through my things like that! Who do you think you are?"
"Are you and Kevin trying to have a baby?"
"That's none of your business!" I snapped.
"Oh, so you are."
I rolled my eyes. I'd forgotten what know-it-all snots teenagers tended to be. For the briefest moment, I had a pang of sympathy for what I must have put my mother through.
"You're trying to have a baby, and he doesn't want one, is that it?" she went on.
"He's my husband. Of course he wants a baby with me."
Amber leveled me with a skeptical raised brow, but I didn't look away, and eventually she shrugged and turned the television on. Thankful for the silence, the talk show she'd turned on became background noise as I considered what she'd said. There it was again, the glaring question I'd been asking myself for months now; did he want a baby with me? And if he didn't, why not? How could he not want a baby with the woman he'd pledged his life to? It just didn't make any sense.
For once, maybe for the first time ever, I wished I was my mother. She'd know what to do. She'd put this little girl in her place with nothing more than a look, she'd tell Kevin exactly what she thought and get the truth out of him, no matter how painful. And she wouldn't break under the weight of it, no matter how hard that truth was to hear. My Mama was nothing if not strong. Right now, I wished with all my heart I'd inherited some of that strength.
When the front door opened I was startled awake. "Oh, hey," I mumbled sleepily, turning my head to see Kevin walking in.
"Hey." He leaned down and gave me a brief peck on the lips. "You hungry?" He held up plastic bags from work and I nodded. "Okay, why don't you go into the kitchen and I'll reheat these for you. You too, Amber."
"Hey, big bro," she greeted him, leaping from the chair and giving him a big hug. "How was work?"
"Fine. Now, do you want to tell me what you're doing here?"
"Well, isn't that a nice way to talk to your sister?" She pouted.
"I can sugar-coat it all you like, but the question's going to be the same. How did you even get in here?"
"You keep a key under the mat," she replied, with a 'duh' look that made Kevin frown.
"Listen here, young lady, you are not going to disrespect me in my own house—me or my wife. G
ot that?" he said.
"Got it," she mumbled sourly. "Sheesh, when did you turn into Dad?"
"Never mind. Go sit down at the table, I need a moment alone with my wife."
The scowl on Amber's face as she skulked away was the best thing I'd seen all day. Kevin took me by the hand and pulled me along to the bedroom, closing the door behind us. "Hey, you."
"Hey yourself," I said, leaning in for another kiss. He obliged and I melted into his arms, momentarily forgetting the earlier shock of discovering our uninvited guest. "I missed you."
"I missed you too," he replied, giving my arm a squeeze. "I guess I'd better go see what's up with Amber."
I groaned inwardly; I didn't want him to leave, nor did I want to think about her. "If you have to."
"Well, I'll have to deal with it sooner or later."
"Okay." I sighed. "Just, don't… you know."
"What?" He arched his brows.
"You know what? Never mind. Just don't keep me waiting too long. I've really missed you." I let my hand wander down his chest, just the way he liked, to add emphasis to my words.
"Mmm. I'll be back in a few minutes. Ten, tops. Don't fall asleep on me now."
"Ten," I echoed.
Kevin winked at me before walking to the door, and I hummed to myself as I began to get dressed for bed. He'd gotten my message loud and clear, it seemed; send the sister on her way and come back to me, stat. Maybe we'd be able to salvage this evening after all. It hadn't gone how I'd planned, but that didn't mean I couldn't adapt.
I lay down on the bed, my legs arranged just so—I knew that my legs were his weakness, which was why I went to the tanning bed once a week to keep them golden—and ran my fingers through my hair for a tousled look. I knew the conversation he was out there having with Amber was probably a difficult one, so I wanted to be sure that when he came in and saw me, it would be worth it.
Ten minutes passed. Then fifteen. By the time thirty had come and gone, I'd given up glancing at the door every few seconds and had picked up my copy of Redbook and begun flipping through the glossy pages. I was nearly done reading the magazine when the door finally opened.
"Hey, babe."
Uh-oh. He sounded weary and frustrated, a combination that could certainly mean nothing good. "Hey." I tossed the magazine to one side and gave him my full attention. "How'd it go?"