by Leddy Harper
I grabbed my keys from the small kitchen bar and met them at the door. “Fine, I’ll go. But I’m driving myself. I’m not sitting in the back seat while you two make out the entire time. I’m not into this whole sharing shit you seem to have going on.” I slapped Colin on the shoulder and offered him a smirk.
Drea’s face lit up with genuine joy, adding a spark to her eyes. Her utter happiness became indisputable as she bounced on the balls of her feet. “Good. Then you can drive Layne.”
I followed Colin’s car, not having a clue as to where we were headed. I never once asked a single question. I didn’t know where Drea’s sister worked, where this drive-in theater was, nor what movie we were watching. All I could think about was how I’d managed to get myself into this situation in the first place.
I hadn’t dated anyone seriously in years, not since high school, nor did I have any desire to. I’d spent my first three semesters in college meeting new people and having fun—pretty much being a typical nineteen- and twenty-year-old guy on his own for the first time in his life. I’d hung out with a lot of girls, hooked up with a few, but never dated any of them. I’d wanted my freedom.
Not only had Colin been my roommate, but he’d wanted to be a lawyer, too. Sticking together seemed like a good idea since we both had the same goals. Although, by the time we’d entered sophomore year, I’d started to notice my grades slipping. Freshman year had been easy, and it quickly became evident how much harder school would get if I didn’t start to get serious about it. I’d slowed down, though not as much as I should’ve because Colin had a way of convincing me to go out, even when I knew I needed to hit the books. By the end of fall semester, my low As had turned to low Bs, and I knew it’d only get worse if I didn’t stop what I was doing. Once I came back from winter break, I’d made the conscious decision to put my future first. And while Colin continued to enjoy the college experience, I chose to stay in and focus on my future.
The partying had eventually caught up with him, though. At the end of our sophomore year, his grades had suffered so much, law school was no longer an option. I wasn’t willing to risk the same fate. I’d always dreamt of going to law school at Duke and becoming an attorney like my grandfather, even though it wasn’t an easy program to get into. I needed unbeatable grades, and I’d never get them if I continued to follow Colin’s lead. Girls and parties were a distraction. Colin was proof of that.
I still hung out with a few friends, but they weren’t the same ones as before. I’d surrounded myself with likeminded people, other students who had also been focused on excelling in college. They had been a positive influence, pushing me to be better. Although, it didn’t mean I’d suddenly turned into a monk. By the middle of spring semester last year, I’d found someone to help with my needs. She had the same mentality I did when it came to dating—it was off the table. She used me, and I used her. It was mutually understood and beneficial.
I knew how that worked.
But this felt different.
This felt like a date.
Even though Colin and Drea had mentioned a movie and I had suggested I’d drive—knowing full well it would mean being alone for hours in a car with Drea’s sister—not once did I realize how it might be perceived. Nor had the thought ever crossed my mind how doing this could possibly put me in an uncomfortable position with Drea. From my experience, girls had a way of latching on to false hope. I had no interest in seeing Drea’s sister after tonight, but if she got the wrong impression and ended up feeling rejected, there was a good chance my life would be hell for as long as Colin and Drea stayed together.
By the time we pulled up to the small Italian restaurant close to the campus, I began to contemplate driving away. The nervousness invading my system convinced me I should’ve been home studying, not out on a non-date with someone I’d never met before, or ever cared to see again. I mentally cursed at myself for having such an unhealthy need to know everything. I wished I could’ve been okay without the knowledge of why Drea’s sister had been in a funk. It was more than likely guy problems anyway.
I parked and watched through the windshield as Drea jogged inside. As soon as she disappeared through the door, Colin casually strolled over to my window. I rolled it down, ready to tell him I’d changed my mind. But then he spoke, and what he said made me forget about running away. It fed into my inquisitiveness more. “Whatever you do, don’t say anything about her hair.”
“Her hair? Why?”
He glanced beyond me in the direction Drea had taken off and rigidly shook his head. “She’s a nice girl. I don’t expect you to be an ass, considering I’ve never known you to be one, but can you please remember this is my girl’s sister?”
“You really need to give me more than that, Colin. You know I’m not looking to date—”
“I know.” He smirked after cutting me off. “She just needs to have a little fun. I don’t care if you never see her again, or if you fall head over heels in love with her. All I care about is her having a good time tonight. She deserves it.”
“This secrecy is really starting to piss me off. Tell me what I need to know.”
“Always the lawyer, never the citizen.” He hung his head and swayed it from side to side as his rumbling laugh billowed though the open window and settled in the car around me, ratcheting my irritation. When he finally lifted his head, he glanced to the front of the restaurant and straightened his spine. With a quick rap on my door, he said, “Here she comes. She doesn’t have to ride with you if you don’t want her to. Just let me know now so I can get her in my car.”
“Just fucking tell me already.” My tone was tense as each desperate word squeezed out through my clamped teeth. I hated it when he knew something I didn’t know and then refused to tell me, leaving me to figure it out on my own. Every time he did, it left me with extreme apprehension, like I was about to stagger into a landmine and had to make it to the other side all on my own.
His gaze locked with mine, his expression sullen. “It’s not my story to share, man. Let her tell you. Don’t pry.”
I conceded and turned my attention to where the two girls walked across the parking lot toward us. I made up my mind right then and there—I would drive her. It didn’t make any sense. Even from twenty feet away, she captured my attention. I was enamored. It could’ve been her hesitant steps, or the way she twisted her fingers in front of her as she steadily placed one foot in front of the other. Whatever it was, something about her enthralled me.
Made me notice her.
Made me want to know more.
While Colin made his way over to them, I slowly pulled myself from the car and strode around the front to the passenger side. I never once took my eyes off her. Although, she didn’t look at me. If her attention wasn’t glued to the concrete beneath her feet, she studied Colin’s face as he spoke—probably explaining the situation to her. Then, she briefly glanced my way, my heart immediately ceasing to pump life into me.
I couldn’t seem to pull myself together long enough to decipher her features. I became too mesmerized by her shy and quiet demeanor to notice much else. I’d been around plenty of girls before, but never had any of them captured me the way this one did. Her discrete shyness wasn’t what captivated me—I’d known lots of demure girls before—but the confidence she kept hidden like a treasured secret. Almost as if she knew what a rare gem she was, and refused to waste it on those who wouldn’t value it.
I wanted to value it. Guard it. Keep it for myself.
Although I knew nothing about her.
“Creed, this is Layne.” As Colin made the introductions, unease settled over the four of us like a heavy, early morning fog, making the simple act of breathing difficult. “He wanted to see the movie, too, so we invited him along. I hope you don’t mind. You can either follow us in his car, or you can ride in mine. It doesn’t matter to us, and no one’s feelings will be hurt with whatever you decide.” Colin regarded me with watchful eyes the entire time he spoke.
I hated knowing something was up and not having a clue as to what.
“I can ride with Creed. It’s not a big deal.” Layne smiled pensively, although her sights never strayed from her sister or Colin.
I opened the passenger side door and waited for her sit down before closing it. Colin and Drea hadn’t moved from where they stood in front of the car, both of them staring at me as if they expected something to happen.
“What?” I asked, becoming annoyed with their sudden change in attitude.
Drea shook her head and waved me off. “Nothing. I’m just surprised it was so easy to get her to ride with you. It’s not a big deal. We’ll meet you over there and find two spots next to each other. Just follow us and pull in beside us, please.”
It was the “please” that left me uneasy, though I didn’t say anything about it. I could only ask for information so many times before giving up. Not to mention, I had Layne in the car. If I really wanted to know, it wasn’t like I couldn’t get the answers from her. Colin had asked me not to pry, but I had a talent for getting information without needing to.
The moment the car door was closed and I had my seatbelt on, I watched her carefully, wanting to memorize every aspect. However, the low light inside the car made it difficult to depict her features accurately. I noticed her small nose and pouty lips, her hair wrapped in a tight bun against the back of her neck. My gaze narrowed on the light-colored locks, wondering what Colin could’ve possibly meant by it. I couldn’t figure it out, her hair looked fine. It wasn’t the same brown as her sister’s, but that didn’t mean anything. My intense scrutiny probably made her uncomfortable, and I didn’t want that, so I decided to strike up a conversation as I pulled out of the parking lot.
“You make me hungry.”
Layne stiffened in her seat, and I suddenly realized what I’d said.
I twisted slightly in my seat so I could see her better in the dim lighting of my dashboard and quietly laughed. “I only meant you smell good—like food. It makes me hungry.”
Her lips pulled into a sincere grin, and I couldn’t look away. Then she laughed with me, soft and airy like mine had been, but it filtered over me like a song I wanted to put on repeat. I wanted to hear it again. I wanted to hear all the different ways she expressed humor. It made no sense. However, it taught me two things.
One—it’d been a while since she’d last let out a real laugh.
And two—I no longer cared about what test I had coming up.
Chapter Two
Now
I woke with the image of Layne burning hot in my mind, just as I had every morning this week. My dreams were so vivid, so clear, as if I’d relived that night all over again. The warmth of her palm heated mine, even now, nearly six years later. My hand burned as though she had actually held it while I slept, not in my dream. Like she’d been in my bed with me. But I knew that wasn’t the case.
It was nothing more than the never-ending remorse eating away at me.
I grabbed my phone off my bedside table and unlocked the screen. I knew not to expect it, but I still couldn’t let go of the hope she would return my call. However, my phone showed no missed calls or unread messages.
Layne was a fighter, stronger than anyone else I knew. She never gave up, no matter what her odds were, and it had become something I admired most about her. I couldn’t think of her without imagining the strong person I knew her to be.
I guess I never expected her to give up on us. To let me go.
Until she did.
As I gripped the phone in my hand, I thought about my dream, and then about that actual night. I remembered the easy laughs we’d shared, and the immediate connection we’d made. I’d never been so comfortable around someone so quickly before. I’d grown so used to staying focused, I’d hardly noticed anyone unless they were in my classes with me.
But I’d noticed Layne.
It was impossible not to.
I stood in front of my sink, holding my toothbrush as I glanced at my reflection in the mirror. I couldn’t remember the last time I looked at myself, truly took in my own appearance. I barely recognized who I was anymore. My life had been separated into two parts—the person who Layne had fallen in love with, and the person who had been left behind without her. The guy she loved had taken more pride in school, working toward a promising future, and making her happy. He’d cared about all that—mostly about her—more than he had his physical appearance.
I’d never been a scrawny guy, nor have I ever been overweight. I loved to exercise, but when I was with Layne, workouts typically included walks and hikes—anything I could do with Layne by my side. After she left, I found myself with more time on my hands. And so I’d spent that time in the gym.
The end result stared back at me.
To others, I probably seemed fit, ripped in the right places. Although, to me, I saw the truth beneath the surface. Behind layers of muscle was a man who had no one to come home to. Layne’s presence still occupied my heart, although her absence from my life had grown to the point of unbearable. Left without a reason to rush home after work, I passed the time working out. Instead of spending a lazy Saturday morning in bed, wrapped up in the sheets and Layne, I’d hit the weights. I had acquaintances, people I hung out with outside of work. Though I didn’t have the happiness being with Layne provided.
I shook off my dismal thoughts and squeezed some toothpaste on the wet bristles. If I didn’t stop obsessing over my past, I’d never make it to work on time. Picking apart and analyzing every aspect of where it all went wrong wouldn’t do me any good. It wouldn’t bring her back. It wouldn’t make her forgive me. Instead of changing the past, it would only feed the growing contrition.
I had to find a way to either fix it or let it go.
Memories of Layne had a way of squeezing me, choking me, leaving me unable to breathe. She hadn’t been just another person from my past or some ex-girlfriend to add to my list. She’d been someone.
My someone.
I didn’t know if I could ever let it go.
Then
Nearly the entire drive downtown had been spent in silence. Nothing could be heard except for the road beneath the tires. I worried the deafening stillness would carry on throughout the whole movie, but I couldn’t come up with anything to talk about. I knew nothing about her besides the long list of dos and don’ts I’d received from Drea and Colin. And that left me with no idea where to begin. I’m not sure if it was the stipulations they’d provided me with or if it’d simply been too long since I had to find things to say to a member of the opposite sex. Most of the time, I’d been introduced to them by someone else. And although Colin and Drea had introduced us, they weren’t in the car to help start a conversation. But as soon as I pulled into the open lot next to Colin’s car, she finally spoke. And I couldn’t have been more relieved.
“So your name is Creed?” Her question didn’t come as a surprise; I’d heard it a lot throughout my life. When parents give a kid such an unusual name people tend to ask about it often. “Is there a meaning behind it, or did your parents just really like it? I think it’s cool. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone with that name before. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever heard of someone with that name before. Other than the band, of course.”
My grin couldn’t be suppressed. Her nervous rambling was endearing, and I found it highly amusing. “It’s a long story…are you sure you want to hear it?” I couldn’t believe I said that. I never offered the story to people, normally saying it’s a long story and leaving it at that. Most of the people who’d been in my life for years didn’t even know the story in
its entirety. So the simple fact I’d opened up and offered her something I never gave to anyone else astonished me.
She giggled softly to herself and covered her curved lips with the tips of her fingers. “I think we have time.”
“Okay, but I’m going to apologize now if it’s boring and puts you to sleep.” I waited until she shifted in her seat to face me, giving me her full attention. I’d heard my parents repeat this story so many times I could’ve recited their words by heart. “Before my mom got pregnant with me, she had several miscarriages. The doctors told her she more than likely wouldn’t carry a baby to term. When she got pregnant with me, and I stuck around past the danger zone, the doctors told her I had Down Syndrome.”
Her gasp was soft, but I heard it.
“My parents accepted it, and prepared to have a child with special needs. After trying for so long to have a baby, they were willing to take whatever God gave them. Then they did an ultrasound—which apparently, back then, wasn’t as good as they are now—and it showed I had some malformations. After hearing what the doctors had to say, my parents expected to give birth to the hunchback of Notre Dame. They had been advised to terminate the pregnancy, but my mom refused. She said it didn’t matter, because I was her miracle and she would keep me for as long as God allowed her to.”
I held up my hands and wiggled my fingers.
“Needless to say, I came out with ten fingers, ten toes, and my spine and organs inside my body where they belonged. My parents decided to name me Creed because it means ‘a belief.’ And they believed in me, even when the doctors didn’t. They trusted everything would happen the way it was supposed to and never gave up. They’ve taught me my whole life to live with those fundamental beliefs.”
Her soft expression did something unexplainable to me—sweltering warmth took hold of my chest and I quickly became lightheaded. “That’s the best story I’ve ever heard.”