by Leddy Harper
“Why would you be the asshole?”
“Because you’re looking for an answer I can’t give you. I’m not sure what it is.”
“All I require is the truth. Giving it to me won’t make you an asshole.”
I crossed my arms over my chest and regarded her once more. “Honestly, I couldn’t tell you why. I have no idea what made me decide to go, other than I suck at guilt trips. She said if I didn’t go, you’d be left out, and I couldn’t let that happen. I wasn’t happy about leaving my studies behind, but the second I saw you outside the restaurant, I knew it was a decision I wouldn’t regret.”
“Why did you want to spend time with me today?”
I had an urge to demand things from her instead of giving her all the answers. However, I could tell by the look in her eyes she craved an honest reply from me. Whatever I said would affect what happened next. I stopped thinking and went with it, giving her the rawest form of honesty I could. “I had to see you again. I haven’t dated in a long time. I’ve had no desire to…until last night. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I wanted to spend real time with someone—with you. Not trapped in a car next to your sister, or in front of a movie that kept pulling your attention away. I had to have you all to myself, without distractions, without watchful eyes or prying friends. I yearned to get to know you.” My voice grew even quieter as I admitted, “I want to know everything about you.”
Tears glistened in her eyes, yet they didn’t fall. “Why?”
“Why do I want to know everything about you? I don’t think I can answer that, because I don’t even know. I can’t for the life of me figure out why I’m so intrigued by you. I’ve never felt this way before. It’s like you stepped out of that restaurant and my whole world changed. Trust me, I wish I understood. But I don’t.”
She closed the space between us and placed her palms flat on my chest. It was then I realized how heavy my breaths heaved in and out. I couldn’t recall another time in my life prior to this when I’d been so affected by another person. But she somehow found her way inside, embedded herself deep, and took hold, refusing to let go.
“So you have a thing for me?” One eyebrow quirked up and she offered a subtle smirk.
“Yes, with no inkling as to what to do about it.”
“What do you want to do about it?”
I gently cradled her face in my hands and lowered my forehead to hers. “Kiss you,” I whispered to her slightly parted lips. Her small gasp rang out before I swallowed it, anchoring my mouth to hers.
Chapter Three
Now
Jason, one of the other attorneys in the practice, walked by my office window and opened the door after a quick knock. He leaned against the doorframe and asked, “Want to go grab a drink?”
I glanced at the clock and noticed it was almost seven in the evening. I clearly hadn’t paid attention to the time. The firm had a deposition coming up in two days, and I’d been ordered to have the memorandum to Harvey, the senior attorney on the case, by tomorrow afternoon. I was nowhere near done with it.
“I still have so much more to do on this. I should probably take it home and finish it there.”
“You’ll be fine. We won’t be out late, I promise. Just a quick beer or two to give you a break. Staring at the same things over and over again won’t provide the answers. Get a beer in you and then look at it again. Watch, I bet you’ll be able to see things differently.” The way he suggested I stop working to go out reminded me so much of Drea…which, in turn, reminded me of Layne.
I shook my head, hating how she never strayed far from my thoughts. Jason was right. I could use a beer. But not because I needed a break from work. Because I needed a break from the noise in my head. Noise brought on by agonizing months void of her.
“Yeah, you’re right. A beer sounds good.” I threw my files into my briefcase and locked up my office. Jason and I strolled out to the parking lot together and he got in his car. I climbed into my own vehicle and then followed him to the small pub around the corner.
We each took a stool at the bar. I glanced around, noticing how empty the place was, although it wasn’t surprising. It rarely got a ton of business at once, and it was still early, so we pretty much had the place to ourselves. Normally, I would’ve enjoyed the lack of others present, except this time, a distraction was crucial if I had any hope to go home and not think about Layne.
“You’ve been quiet lately. What’s going on with you?” Jason asked after the balding man behind the counter set our pints in front of us. “I mean, you’re not typically a vocal guy, but you have seemed more withdrawn over the last couple of weeks.”
I shrugged, absentmindedly studying the beads of condensation running down the glass. “It’s this deposition. I’m struggling to find a strong supporting case. I’ve come across plenty that are similar, but nothing to really help us with the argument.”
“That doesn’t sound like you, Creed. Harvey gave this to you because you’re a great junior attorney. You think outside the box. There isn’t anything you can’t get around to find a solution. This isn’t about the deposition. But whatever it is, it’s affecting your work.”
“I know it is. And it pisses me off. I’ve worked my ass off to get here, and now I’m too…”
He waited patiently for me to say more, but I couldn’t. When enough time had lapsed between us, he leaned toward me with his elbow on the bar’s edge and lowered his voice, as if worried the two other people around might hear us. “You’re too what?”
I tried to avoid his stare, fought to keep my eyes on my drink in front of me, but his presence became too much to ignore. I glanced at him, catching the intense questions in his eyes. It made me believe he already knew what I would say, although he wanted to hear it come from me instead. He really did remind me of Drea, in more ways than one.
“Distracted. I’ve got too much on my mind.”
“Then take care of it,” he said and leaned away, feigning being pleased with my answer when we both knew he wasn’t. “If you can’t push it out of your mind long enough to get the work done, then maybe you need to confront it.”
“What is it you think I’m preoccupied with?” My tone was harsh and confrontational, no matter how hard I fought to tame it. I liked Jason. I thought he was a good guy. He’d graduated from Duke two years before me, and he had taken me under his wing after I started at the firm. But I didn’t like it when he acted this way, as if he knew me or knew what I was going through. We weren’t close, personal friends. We were business associates.
He shook his head and sucked air through his clamped teeth before taking in a long pull of his beer. After a harsh swallow, he faced me and tried again. “I don’t have a clue. But I know I’ve been where you are before. You’re close to the finish line, my friend. The grunt work sucks, being a first-year attorney sucks, but it’s all worth it. I promise.”
He didn’t understand at all. He thought he knew me. But he had no idea. “Every time I think I’ve made it through the hard part, another one pops up. It’s fucking endless. I had to bust my ass to pull off near-perfect grades to get accepted into Duke. I thought that was hard, but as you know, nothing is as hard as law school. I made it to the end and graduated when so many others didn’t. I thought that was the hardest part…until the bar exam. And now it’s being the peon in the office, writing memorandums and searching through old cases, going through every law and loophole. All for what? For someone else to take the case, get all the credit?”
“It’s almost over, Creed. Soon enough it’ll be you in the first chair, taking the victories. You’ve come too far to give up now. Trust me…I know. I was in your shoes not too long ago. Except, you have something most of us don’t. I went into law because I love the challenge. You did it because you were born to fight. Where others would give up and move on, you don’t. You push through, find a way to make it work. You don’t quit until you’ve gotten your way. You’re so close to having everything you’ve work
ed so hard for.”
“You couldn’t be more wrong about me if you tried,” I mumbled into my glass before swallowing half the contents. I wasn’t able to get it all down before I nearly choked on the cold liquid, the bitterness burning the back of my throat.
The jukebox—which hadn’t been updated since the nineties—went from Tom Petty to Hootie and the Blowfish. It was the last song I ever expected to hear. Layne may have moved away, but she left all our memories behind. And I did nothing except run into them on a daily basis. Even in a hole-in-the-wall bar we’d never been to before. From a jukebox we’d never listened to together.
The first strum of the guitar caused me to stop everything, breathing included. The first words filled me with grief so strong I thought my heart had moved into my throat, ready to choke the life out of me. And by the time I heard the familiar chorus about letting her go, every ounce of strength within me had dissipated.
Jason was right about one thing.
I had been so close to having everything I ever wanted.
Except we were talking about two vastly different subjects.
While Jason had meant work, I couldn’t stop thinking about my reality. Right after I’d graduated from Duke, Layne threw me a curveball. She wanted to go to California, chase her dreams. Live her life. She’d mentioned this to me less than two months before I could take the bar exam. To me, it didn’t make sense to move across the country when my future was in North Carolina.
I didn’t want to give up on my hard work.
And in the end, I gave up the only thing I ever loved.
For a job I ended up hating.
Then
After our hike, I went home and crashed. I didn’t mean to doze off, but between getting barely any sleep and the physical energy I’d exerted out on the trail earlier, I had no control over it. I didn’t wake up until Colin barged into my room and violently shook me.
I jumped out of bed, expecting him to tell me there was an emergency, but he’d only come in to let me know Layne was here. I’d overslept instead of getting ready for dinner, so I rushed around my room, throwing on whatever I could find.
When I made it out to the living room, Colin and Drea had already left, leaving the two of us alone in the apartment.
Layne’s eyes grew wide as she took in my disheveled appearance. “Oh…I must’ve gotten the time wrong. I thought you wanted me here at six.” She was back to acting nervous, and I wanted nothing more than to ease her anxiety, to bring back the same girl from the drive-in last night. The same girl who’d spent the better part of the last twenty-four hours consuming my every thought.
“No. You’re right. It’s my fault. I didn’t wake up in time. I’m sorry. If you’ll give me a few minutes to get ready, we can go.” I chastised myself for making her wait…and for causing her to cower again.
I only made it a few steps before she spoke, forcing me to stop and turn toward her. “It’s okay, really. We can do this another time. If you’re tired, you should take a nap.”
“No. I’m fine. I just need a few minutes to get dressed.” I didn’t want her to leave, and I found it odd how the thought of her going home struck fear into the center of my chest. We’d had such an amazing day earlier, even with the episode regarding her hair. I hadn’t wanted to take her home when we were done, except I knew she needed to freshen up. I’d contemplated offering her my shower, but I had quickly decided it would’ve been too forward.
I hadn’t wanted her to leave.
I’d wanted her to stay until the sun came up.
And then all day tomorrow.
“I feel bad. You look really tired. I only work three nights a week, so it’s not a big deal to reschedule. We can do dinner another time.”
I suddenly realized I had no idea what she did during the day, or why she worked so little. We’d talked about a lot, although most of it had been things about our pasts. I found myself desperately wanting to know about who she was now, and there was no way in hell I’d let her leave without finding out.
Every.
Single.
Detail.
“I can make us dinner,” I offered in my lame attempt to keep her a little while longer. “I’m sure your sister has clothes in Colin’s room you could wear. I can make eggs and bacon…kind of like breakfast in bed. We don’t have to go out, but please, I really want to spend more time with you.”
“I’d feel bad keeping you up when you’re so tired.”
I smirked and offered her a one-shoulder shrug. “Even if you left, I doubt I’d get any sleep. You seem to occupy my mind lately. It’s why I crashed when I came home. I stayed up all night last night, because I couldn’t wait to see today.”
Her brow knitted as she picked me apart with her penetrating gaze. “You said you crashed as soon as you got home last night.”
I forgot I’d told her that, and I mentally kicked myself for admitting the truth. Honestly, I didn’t think it was such a big deal. Although the way she visually dissected me, I could tell she thought differently. “I didn’t want to sound stupid or obsessive. I thought if I told you, you’d freak out and run away.”
“But now you don’t care how you sound?”
“I’d say anything to make you stay.”
Her gaze fell away, and I worried I’d lost her. But then she said, “All I need is the truth, Creed. No matter what. I don’t care how it’ll make you look, or if it’ll hurt me. I need the truth.” It was one more thing to make me believe an ex-boyfriend had hurt her badly. And it became my sole purpose to repair her—starting with her trust until I could have more.
I closed the distance between us, skimmed my fingertips along her jaw, and tilted her head back until her eyes locked on mine. “I’ll always give you the truth, Layne. I’m sorry I said I fell asleep when I didn’t. I’ll never lie to you again. I promise.”
“That’s not an easy promise to keep.”
“I’m a man of my word. I have no idea who did this to you, but I swear, I’m not him.”
Her eyes narrowed right before she pulled away, out of my grasp. “No one did this to me. And what do you mean by that? Did what to me?”
“I’m…um…” I had no idea what to say. I knew I needed to come up with something, except words evaded me. “I didn’t mean it like that. I just assumed some asshole left you with a trust issue. I swear, I didn’t mean anything by it, other than to let you know I won’t lie to you.”
She nodded, although she didn’t offer anything else.
“If you want to talk about it—whatever it is—I hope you know you can.”
Her eyes closed, she took a deep breath, and her chest rose and fell slowly. When she finally opened her eyes again, her gaze met mine with strength, conviction. “It wasn’t a guy. It was a situation. And I want to tell you, but not right now. We can eat and talk, and I’ll tell you everything.”
Weight lifted off my shoulders—weight I hadn’t even realized was there. I became desperate to hear her story, and would’ve agreed to anything to get it. “Go get changed into something comfortable. Let me hop in the shower, and then I’ll make dinner.”
I ran back to my room after she agreed and stripped as fast as I could. I didn’t want to waste a single second, knowing she was out there while I was in here. My shower could’ve set a new record. I rushed through it, barely drying myself off before I grabbed a pair of basketball shorts and a T-shirt from my drawer. I yanked the clothes on and flung the door open, sure I’d find her gone.
But I didn’t.
She was in the kitchen wearing a pair of Drea’s stretchy pants and a tank top. It’d been one of my favorite outfits of hers, but I had to admit, it looked way better on Layne. I had to wait a moment before going to her at the stove, admiring her from behind. I wondered if I’d ever get my fill. And more than that, I worried whatever she had to tell me would ruin the image I had of her in my head.
She stood in my kitchen in bed-ready clothes, frying eggs and bacon. Everything seemed so righ
t—sunbeams slanting through the window, Layne in my kitchen, a warm sense of family—as if I peered through a window into my future. This would normally be an unsettling thought, yet at this moment, it did something different to me. It calmed me, filled me with excitement, and made me actually look forward to something other than law school.
It made me realize what I’d been missing.
An unacknowledged desire.
“I told you I would do this,” I said as I made my way to her. I must’ve startled her, because she jumped, her shoulders going stiff. Rigidly, she turned her head to catch sight of me over her shoulder. The bacon popped and sizzled in the grease. “You didn’t have to cook,” I added.
The kitchen was small, almost too small for two people, but I wedged in behind her and rested my hands on her hips and watched her fry an egg. She suddenly became rigid beneath my touch, and it forced me to back away.
A chill instantly replaced the space between us.
She pushed the frying pan to the back burner and faced me. Her downturned eyes filled with unmeasurable sorrow and regret, which annihilated my excitement and flooded me with unfamiliar insecurities. “I didn’t mean to react that way. It’s not you, I promise. It’s just…” She subconsciously drew her bottom lip into her mouth, bit into the flesh, and nibbled on it ever-so slightly.
I reached up and rubbed my thumb over her mouth until she released her bottom lip from between her teeth. “You don’t have to explain. And if you’re not ready to tell me, don’t feel pressured to. I can wait until you’re ready to talk about it.”
I hated how intense things had become in only one day, but I meant what I said. I could easily imagine a lifetime with her, and if waiting to learn of her demons was what I had to do, I was okay with it. We had time.
“I’ve never had a boyfriend.” Her confession came barreling out, freezing me in place and stealing the thoughts from my head. “Shit…I didn’t mean for it to come out like that. I’m just not used to that kind of affection. It was sweet, and I appreciate the gesture. I guess it just startled me.”