by Leddy Harper
“I started working again to give me something to do. I realized I needed to occupy my time—plus, I like to be around people. I guess I wasn’t expecting it to be so hard on my feet,” she said with a dismissive laugh. “I’d move closer to my daughter, although I’m just not ready to give up the house yet.”
I knew about that all too well. Even though Layne had only moved away, there were things we’d accumulated together that I wasn’t ready to let go of. “How long were you married?”
Her lips turned up and her eyes glowed from across the table. It was sincere, deep, and absolute happiness I saw on her face. “Forty-two years.” She spun the gold band on her ring finger, and then noticed my attention to it. “We’re still married, though. He’s moved on to a better place, and he’s waiting for me to make my way to him.”
Even though I continued to fill my lungs with oxygen, I felt like I’d started to suffocate. It struck a chord with me. Rendered me speechless as I sat across the table from Phyllis. I was mesmerized by the way she touched her wedding band, never giving up hope.
She spent another minute at the table with me before heading off to get my bill. I left behind a hundred dollars, not even looking at the total. I hadn’t done it out of charity, but as my way of saying thank you. Without knowing it, she offered me something I’d never forget.
Half an hour later, I was laying on top of an uncomfortable bed, staring at the popcorn ceiling. If I’d taken a flight, I would’ve been with Layne right now. Except I needed to take my time getting to Layne—not so much for me but for her. If Drea had told her I was coming, and I’m sure she did, Layne needed to soften to the idea. She may have been the one who left, but I’d broken her, too. Just because it was black and white for me, didn’t mean it was for her. A year ago, anytime I thought of Layne, unfettered rage boiled inside. Once that phase passed, I became consumed by grief. The grief had morphed into regret.
This was my time to turn my regret into hope.
Then
Christmas with my parents was the same as it was every year. It was nice to see them and spend time with my dad, but I missed Layne like crazy. We spoke every night on the phone. I’d lay on my childhood bed with my tired eyes following the shadows above me while listening to her voice, pretending she was there beside me instead of hours away.
I’d told my parents everything I could about the girl who’d stolen my heart. They were genuinely happy for me, and must’ve said a hundred times how much they couldn’t wait to meet her. When I’d told Layne about my parents’ interest in meeting her, she grew quiet. And it made me hate the distance between us even more.
My mom wanted me to stay through New Year’s Day. She wanted me to be there for our family tradition. My grandparents came over, my aunts, uncles, cousins—the whole family got together for lunch. My mom believed if you spent the first day of the year surrounded by loved ones, then love would follow you for the following three hundred and sixty-four days. I didn’t agree nor disagree. But if her belief was true, not being around Layne on January first would be bad luck. Not to mention, being here and not there at the end of the countdown didn’t appeal to me. But Mom didn’t want me to leave early. She’d given me the guilt trip to end all guilt trips until I decided to stay. Although, I had no intention of returning the following Christmas. I wouldn’t do this again. I’d never choose to spend a week away from Layne, especially a holiday week involving mistletoes and kisses at midnight.
I grabbed a beer from the cooler on the rear deck and then took a seat near the fire. We’d lived in this house since I was in middle school, so almost every neighbor knew us. When my parents threw parties, it seemed as if everyone in a three block radius came. Tonight had been no different. People I hadn’t seen since last New Year’s spilled into the open back yard, though I had no desire to interact with any of them. I was perfectly content sitting alone and keeping warm.
I’d gone inside to call Layne, but she didn’t answer. I figured she was out with Drea and Colin, and although I trusted them, it still pissed me off. She should’ve been with me. I hated being hours away with people I barely knew while she was out with my best friend. After waiting around in my room for almost half an hour for her to return my call, I finally gave up and headed outside, hoping the crowd would lift my spirits.
No such luck.
My mom had a big digital clock she hung on the patio every year. It counted down the hours, minutes, and seconds in bright red numbers. I glanced over my shoulder and noted only ten minutes remained, and it left me with the realization the only thing my lips would touch at midnight was my beer.
I picked at the label on my bottle while staring at the phone, willing it to ring. If I couldn’t have Layne with me when the ball dropped, I at least wanted to hear her voice. But as the numbers ticked down on the clock, so did my hope.
Hope.
Yen.
I wanted nothing more than to feel her lips on mine and hold her in my arms. It’s how I wanted to start my new year. And then with three minutes left, my mom called my name from the patio door. I glanced over my shoulder and saw her standing in the doorway. I assumed she needed me to help get the champagne ready, so I set my beer down and got off the chair to make my way toward her. With less than five feet between us, she moved to the side, and the person now standing in front of me made my steps halt. My breath turned stale. My body completely froze…all except my heart. My heart thudded erratically, threatening to break through the confines of my chest in order to get to her.
Layne.
She took a step. I took a step. And then we launched ourselves into each other’s arms. Her body was so warm, so familiar. I didn’t want to let go, but at the same time, I wanted to pull away just to see if she was real. I couldn’t believe she was here…in my arms.
“What are you doing here?” I asked as I stared into her tired eyes.
“I couldn’t imagine ringing in the new year without you.” Her voice wavered, and I could tell she was nervous. Had I taken my sight off her and glanced around, I’m sure I would’ve found everyone watching us. But I didn’t. Because I didn’t want to stop staring at her. “I hope you don’t mind.”
I finally turned my attention to my mom, who stood behind Layne, and waited for an explanation. I knew Layne, and it wasn’t like her to show up at a stranger’s house unannounced. Hell, it’d taken her two months to walk into my place without an invitation.
“I knew you wanted to see her, and I didn’t want you to leave yet. So I called her up and invited her to spend New Year’s with us.” Mom placed her hand on my cheek and smiled sweetly at me. “After all, how you spend January first sets the pace for the rest of the year.” And with that, she winked at Layne and walked away.
Before I could utter another word, the crowd lingering on the deck and in the yard began to count down. I stared at Layne. She stared back. Neither of us joined in on the excitement, deciding instead to admire and appreciate one another.
Ten.
Nine.
Eight.
Light bounced off the glimmer in her eyes, and I realized she was on the verge of crying. Worry filled me over what had happened, but then a smile formed on her lips, and I understood they were tears of happiness.
Seven.
Six.
Five.
She pressed her hands against my chest and then ran them up to my shoulders. As soon as she had her fingers interlocked behind my neck, the first tear fell. I reached up to swipe it away just in time to catch another.
Four.
Three.
Two.
Her breath hitched, slamming me headfirst into reality. This was Layne’s first New Year’s kiss—at least her first one with someone she loved. And I knew, right then and there, this was only the first of many, many more midnight kisses for us.
One.
Her lips met mine. Soft and gentle at first. A slow swipe of my tongue on her bottom lip. A small, heated breath escaping her. And then she opened for me, let
ting me in. Her tongue grazed mine, her fingers tightened on the back of my neck. My hands found their way into her hair.
While everyone cheered around us, oblivious to our moment together, our kisses turned fevered and hungry. Desperate. I didn’t want to let go, but at the same time, I wanted to whisk her away. I’d spent too many nights without her, and I had no desire to share her with a group of strangers. I wanted her all to myself.
Layne finally pulled away, but before I could say anything, my dad walked up to introduce himself. I grew impatient as he tried to make small talk—how was the drive, was she thirsty, did she want anything to eat. I appreciated his hospitality, but these were all things I could’ve asked had I been given the chance. I didn’t even know how she’d gotten here and he was asking about the drive as if they were old friends.
“Dad, if you don’t mind, I’m going to help Layne take her bag up to my room.”
“Your mom got the guestroom made up for her.”
I cocked my head at him, biting back my frustrations. When he wouldn’t budge, I stepped closer to him and turned away from Layne. I lowered my voice and said, “I’m in college, Dad. I have my own place. It’s not like I’ve never slept next to Layne there.”
“And that’s fine, son. What you do in your own place is up to you. But this is my house. My rules. Your mother made up the guestroom for her, and that’s where she’s expecting Layne to sleep. You already know it has its own bathroom and it’s separated from the rest of the house.” He slapped my shoulder and winked at me. “Your mother doesn’t want her staying in your room, Creed. Respect her wishes.”
I could always count on my dad to have my back. I got my knack for finding loopholes from him, and his cryptic suggestion left me shaking my head. I never wanted to be disrespectful to my parents, especially my mom, but at least my dad could understand how unreasonable it was to have Layne come all this way to sleep in a separate room.
“Come on, let’s get your stuff upstairs.” I grabbed her hand and led her inside.
Once we made it to the bedroom, I closed the door behind us and set her bag down next to the dresser. The guestroom wasn’t as extravagant as the master suite, but it was still twice the size of mine, complete with a whirlpool tub in the connecting bathroom.
“So I’m staying in here?” She fidgeted with the zipper on the front of her jacket.
I closed the distance between us and helped her out of her coat before hanging it on a hook on the door. “Yes. My mom says you must sleep here…so here you must sleep.”
“Yeah, my parents would’ve probably done the same. I guess I should’ve expected it. I mean, it’s kinda disrespectful to your parents if we sleep together in their house.”
“My dad didn’t say anything about us sleeping in separate rooms. All he said was you had to sleep in here.” I stood in front of her and gently held onto her hips while observing the nervousness in her expression. “He never once said I had to sleep in my own room.”
“Because I think it’s implied you’d sleep in your room, Creed.”
I pulled her body flush with mine. “Do you not want to sleep next to me?”
“Of course I do,” she said with a rush of air. “But what if they come in here and catch you in bed with me?”
“Layne…they won’t come into your room. They don’t even come into mine.” I kissed her forehead and then reached down to grab her bag. “Go into the bathroom and change your clothes. I’ll be in bed waiting for you.”
“I just got here. And it’s New Year’s Eve. Why are we going to bed so early when you have a houseful of people downstairs?”
“You’re tired. It’s written all over your face. We can go downstairs and talk to a bunch of strangers, or we can get in bed—where it’s warm—and talk to each other until you fall asleep. It’s up to you, but my vote is staying up here alone. I missed you.”
I could tell she wanted to say something else, but instead, she took the bag, went to the bathroom, and closed the door behind her. I knew it was rude of me to keep her up here after she’d made the trip down, but I didn’t want to share her. After almost a week with only phone calls, I wanted her all to myself.
By the time Layne came out in a modest, two-piece flannel pajama set, I was already in the bed beneath the covers. She climbed in on the other side and crawled to the middle where she curled up next to me. As soon as I had her in my arms, it was like my body completely calmed. At peace.
“Did you drive here?”
“No.” She sounded so sleepy, worse than she had before she changed her clothes. “A friend from school drove me. Her boyfriend lives about thirty minutes away and she offered to bring me. I was supposed to be here earlier, but she wasn’t ready to leave when I was. And then she wanted to go to her boyfriend’s place first. I didn’t think I’d get here in time.”
I propped myself up on my elbow and pulled her closer until my face hovered above hers. “I’m just happy you’re here.”
When I leaned down to take her lips with mine, it was only supposed to be a quick kiss. I hadn’t expected her to lock her fingers behind my neck and keep me there. I don’t even think she expected to moan into my mouth. And before we knew it, my body completely covered hers. My quick kiss heated up and left us burning with untamed desires.
Logically, I knew I should’ve pulled away. I should’ve climbed off her until we both calmed down. But the way she moaned, the way her hands ran over my shoulders to my chest, cleared my mind of any logic.
And then she lifted her butt and grinded herself against my rock-hard erection.
It wiped out every single thought that didn’t include getting her naked.
Normally, she would’ve slowed down when my fingers met the skin on her stomach, but instead, she pushed into me again. I gripped her hip, digging my fingers into her soft skin, and thrust my pelvis forward until my hard-on pressed firmly against her. We’d never gotten this far, and it should’ve made her stop me, but it didn’t. She fisted the material of my shirt at my chest and pulled me impossibly closer.
My fingers returned to her bare abdomen and skimmed the warm skin until I had her breast cupped firmly in my hand. I’d done this before, but over her shirt—never beneath it. Instead of freezing, turning rigid beneath me, she arched into me, pushing her chest against my hand. When I ran my thumb over her hardening nipple, she released another desperate moan.
And I couldn’t hold back any longer.
I pulled away, earning a panting gasp from her, and deftly unbuttoned her top until her entire chest was completely bared to me. I didn’t waste a second before closing my lips around her taut nipple and attending to the other with my free hand. Layne writhed beneath me. Breathy moans rolled past her lips, consuming the air around us until it became the soundtrack to our moment together.
She gripped my shirt and pulled it over my head. It was hurried and frantic, showing her desperation. Desperation unlike I’d ever seen erupting from her before. But I didn’t question it. I pressed my bare chest against the warmth of hers and possessed her mouth once more. The tips of my fingers skimmed along the sides of her breast to her hip. I barely touched her skin, but it was enough to leave her rolling her hips against me. As soon as I dipped my fingers beneath the waistband of her pajama bottoms, ready to pull them off her, she pressed her hands into my shoulders and held me at bay a few inches.
“The door…” Her words were breathless, airy, almost panicky. “Is it locked?”
I glanced from her wide eyes to the closed door over my shoulder. A dense cloud settled over me, and I found myself lost over what to do. She didn’t want me to stop, only to lock the door, but I knew what would happen if I did what she wanted. We wouldn’t stop. She’d let me take her, and I wouldn’t have the strength—or desire—to say no. I turned around and peered intently into her eyes, begging her with my own to let me see the truth. I needed to know the honest thoughts running through her head. Not the ones clouded by lust or controlled by raging hormones. I did
n’t trust myself enough to make this decision alone. Nor did I trust her to make the right one with the weight of desire overshadowing her rational thought process.
My chest heaved wildly as I stared into her steady gaze. She appeared confident, in control, sure of what she wanted. I, on the other hand, couldn’t have been more insecure, indecisive, or confused if I tried. I knew what I wanted, but being the one to inflict pain on her was a terrifying thought. Instead of filling the space with words and risking breaking the spell, I decided to wait her out.
When she locked her fingers behind my neck and brushed her lips slowly against mine, I melded into her. Any doubt I had over her not being ready vanished when she whispered, “Lock the door, Creed.”
I pulled my lips from hers, took one more glance into the shining pools of blue, and climbed from the bed. My heartbeat pounded in my ears with every step I made toward the door. My nervousness made no sense to me. It wasn’t like I’d never had sex before. This wouldn’t be my first time.
But it was Layne’s first time.
And she’d chosen to give her innocence to me.
Although I’d had sex before, I’d never taken anyone’s virginity. Even my first time had been with someone more experienced. I could use logic and assume what to expect, but I had no personal knowledge of it. I knew it’d be uncomfortable for Layne. And I didn’t want that. I never wanted to cause her any discomfort. It’s one of the reasons I never got carried away with her—aside from never wanting to pressure her. I knew this day would come, and the longer we went on, the more in love with her I became, the harder it was to accept being the one to inflect pain on her.
I flipped the lock on the handle and waited a moment, taking in deep breaths with the bed behind me. I needed to pull myself together. The mattress creaked, and the sound was enough to break through my hesitation. I turned to face her, expecting her to be where I left her, but I found her standing next to the bed. Her top had fallen off her arms, and she stood in front of the nightstand in nothing but her long, flannel pajama bottoms. The light on the table casted an ethereal glow around her.