by Leddy Harper
Her giggle echoed off the tiled walls and my chest shook with my own laughter. “So my palm says I’m the best thing to ever happen to you…yet I don’t want to let you go? How does that make sense?”
“Because you have a heart and wouldn’t want to destroy me. I didn’t read this part out loud, but it also said you want to live with me because it would make me happy.”
“Well, that part is true.” She leaned forward and pressed her lips to mine. Water sloshed around us when she climbed into my lap. Her eyes flashed as soon as my hardening dick grazed her sensitive folds, but with monumental effort, I ignored it and kept talking. “I do want to live with you. And I do want to make you happy…because it makes me happy. You make me happy, Creed.”
I shook my head.
“What’s wrong?” Her easy expression turned into concern as her gaze narrowed and her eyebrows dipped low. “Did I say something wrong?” Instantly, her eyes widened and her mouth fell open, a gasp ringing out. “Oh, I’m sorry. You probably don’t want me sitting on you like this.”
I tightened my hold on her hips to prevent her from moving away. “No…I was only thinking. I love you so much, Layne. So fucking much it almost seems impossible. Then you do or say something, and it makes me love you even more. I don’t know how. Just when I think I can’t possibly love you more, I do. And it makes me wonder if there’s ever a limit, when your heart is just too full, there isn’t any room left for more.”
She wrapped her fingers around my wrist and pulled my hand to her lips, softly kissing my knuckles while keeping her eyes on mine. With one finger, she lightly traced a circle on the inside of my wrist beneath the soft flesh over my veins. “Love is infinite, Creed. There are no limitations, no boundaries, no expiration date. Love never goes bad; it’s the people who do. When one person stops noticing the other, or puts other things above the one they claim to love, the circle closes in. But as long as you honor the love you have for someone, the circle becomes bigger. Either way, the circle is still there, big or small, it doesn’t go away. Once you love someone, you always will. You may not like the choices they make or the paths they choose, but it doesn’t mean your love for them vanishes.”
“Do you believe in soul mates?”
Her finger slowed, but she never stopped tracing the invisible circle on my wrist. “No. I choose to believe in love. Soul mates implies there’s some predetermined match set for you. The idea of a higher power choosing your greatest love for you seems ridiculous to me.”
My head tilted to the side. “You don’t believe in God?”
She smiled and released an airy giggle before dropping my arm back into the water. She framed my face with her hands and righted my head again. “Yes, I believe in God. But I also believe He gave us the right to make choices. As you know, most choices affect others. So I can’t possibly believe he’d handpick soul mates for people, when it’s really up to the people themselves.”
“What do you mean?”
“Take cancer for example. If a young woman succumbs to the battle, does that mean she never had a soul mate? Or did she, and now the other half of that match has to go on living the rest of his life without an absolute love?”
“So then what do you believe in?”
“I believe in choice. I believe we are capable of loving more than one person, although I think it’s probably a different kind. But ultimately, it comes down to a decision. Most of the time, it’s not a conscious one, or one we even seek out, but our feelings are ours…not predetermined.”
Her explanation ran through my thoughts as I tried to grasp it. She made so much sense; however, I had a hard time applying it to the way I felt about her. I didn’t believe being with her was something I decided to do. It was too real, too right to have been something I could’ve decided against. It wasn’t until she spoke again before I understood the validity of her belief.
“I choose to love you, Creed. I don’t love you because I have to, or because God wrote my name next to yours in some book of love. I love you because I want to. Because I choose to.”
Chapter Ten
Now
My wrist burned with the memory of her finger tracing the circle on my skin. Her words echoed in my head, and it made my chest swell and ache. I choose to love you. As the sun peeked over the horizon, casting a deep glow on the road ahead, I couldn’t help but lose myself in the memory.
She’d chosen me.
And then I’d chosen my job.
Regret was a motherfucker.
Layne couldn’t have been more right about love, though. It was something you had to constantly fight for. It didn’t come easily or without being tested. Her leaving was proof enough of how right she was.
One could argue she hadn’t chosen me when she moved to California. I’d argued that point to myself many times over the last year. However, it couldn’t have been further from the truth. Yes, she’d chosen herself, her dreams and her life, and she’d moved away, leaving me behind. All the while, I’d made the decision to pick me, pick my career, my life over hers. Had I decided to leave North Carolina and move across the country with her, I wouldn’t have been out anything. Sure, I would’ve had to take additional courses to study California state laws before I could even take the bar, but in the end, I wouldn’t have had to sacrifice anything. Had Layne stayed back, not followed her dreams, she would’ve given up on so much.
I hadn’t thought about that at the time.
I was too selfish.
Too hurt.
Too blind.
The interstate became more congested the higher the sun rose. People heading to work, getting started with their day, completely oblivious to the pain residing in me as I recall the events surrounding Layne walking out on me.
I glanced to the side of the road and saw the big sign welcoming me into Louisiana. One more state down…only four more to pass through before I’d see the sign for California. I knew I couldn’t let the dark cloud of regret follow me the entire way. I had far too long to go to sulk in my car by myself.
As I turned my attention back to the road, I noticed a moving truck in the right hand lane. It brought back another memory—a good memory. And it helped take my mind off the pain. Remembering the happier times with Layne was what I needed to get me through this long trip. Dwelling on my failures would only drag it out.
Then
Layne sat comfortably in the center of my bed with her legs crossed. I’d just gotten back from an incredibly uncomfortable conversation with her parents, and the sight of her in my room was all I needed to relax. I sat on the edge and turned to her, knowing we had some things to discuss.
“Well,” I started, a grin tugging at my lips after seeing hers. “They wanted to make sure I knew about your eating habits—which I did. I assured them they had nothing to worry about, and I’d make sure you had all the organic food you’d ever want while living with me. It was pretty much your parents reiterating things to me you’ve already told me. Except for one thing…”
She cocked her head to the side and peered at me through her fluttering lashes.
“We’ve never discussed birth control.”
The grin fell from her lips and she turned her focus to her wringing fingers in her lap. “You’ve been wearing condoms, so it never came up.” Her worried eyes met mine and it made my chest tighten. “What did they tell you?”
“It was an incredibly awkward conversation to have with your dad. I’d prefer it if I didn’t go over the details right now. I’m still recovering. But I would like to hear it from you. They didn’t really go too in depth with it, so it’d be nice to hear the whole story—from someone other than your father.”
“Doctors always suggest you use contraception during chemo and for about six months after. If someone were to get pregnant, the drugs could affect the eggs and cause any number or malformations to the baby. When my doctor mentioned it, birth control wasn’t necessarily something I needed, considering I hadn’t had sex, and didn’t intend t
o for quite some time. So I refused to take it. While going through the whole process, my parents and I did a lot of research about cancer, and together, we made the decision to stick to a healthy living plan. Avoid processed foods, diet sodas—soda in general—medicines…which included birth control. With it being in my ovary, and birth control being a hormonal substance, we agreed it’d be best to use other alternatives when the time comes.”
“Why didn’t you just tell me this before?”
“Because you were already using condoms, Creed. I didn’t feel the need to tell you we should keep doing what we’re already doing.”
I knew we needed to get everything out, talk about every possible situation, except I didn’t want to come across as argumentative or insensitive. “So…no birth control ever. We will always use condoms?”
She shrugged, and I could tell my question left her unsettled. “Unless something changes. My doctor doesn’t believe there’s any connection between contraception and cancer, and I know my beliefs may seem extreme, but—”
“Layne.” I moved closer to her and took her hand, lacing our fingers together. It took a moment, but she finally lifted her gaze to mine. “I don’t care how out of the box your ideas are, or how far you go to keep yourself healthy. The doctors may say taking a pill won’t cause cancer, but I’m pretty sure they’d all agree not taking it isn’t harmful, either. It’s your body, so it’s your decision. I’m here to support whatever you choose to do, because in the end, I love you and want you around until the end of time.”
“So you don’t have a problem using condoms forever?”
“Forever?” I tilted my head and quirked my expression, causing her to giggle. “Yen…someday, we’re going to have babies. And I’ll enjoy every second of condom-free sex during the practice and during the pregnancy. When we decide we’ve had enough babies, I can get a vasectomy, and then we’d have absolutely no need for another rubber for the rest of our lives. So really, it’s not forever. It’s for a few years, sure, until we’re ready to start a family.”
“You know I only have one ovary…right?”
“And your point is?”
She took a deep breath, and I could tell whatever she had to say was serious. I knew I’d made light of a lot of things, but it was only to lessen the stress and ease her apprehension. However, her quivering inhalation left me cold, worried I wouldn’t be able to comfort her.
“Layne, whatever it is, we can talk about it.”
“You talk about having a family, and it’s absolutely what I want someday…but it might not be that easy. I know we’re young, and you’re a guy so you probably haven’t thought about this as much as I have or even know as much about reproduction as I do. It could be a struggle to conceive. I don’t know for sure because, obviously, I’ve never tried. It could be easy, or it could be hard. But I’m already half the woman most girls are.”
“Don’t ever say something like that again.” My tone was bitter, though I hadn’t meant it out of anger. It was purely defensive. “You’re twice the woman…three times. Fucking a thousand times, Layne. How many ovaries you have doesn’t define you. And maybe you’ve forgotten, but my parents had a hard time having a baby. If anyone understands the difficulties, it’s me. I don’t know too many guys my age who understand reproduction as well as I do. My mom has repeated the same in depth story of my existence more times than I can count. If it takes us years to have a family, then so be it. My parents made sure I knew every day how the best things in life don’t come easy.”
“But it’s completely different when you’re the one struggling. When you’re the one having to fight through it. Knowing the outcome is one thing, although it’s completely different when you have no idea what will happen.”
“Are we still talking about babies here, Yen?”
“I’m talking about everything. You say it’s worth it because of what you get in the end. But what if we never have babies? What if my one ovary isn’t enough and we never get to have a family? Just because your parents finally had you doesn’t mean that happens to everyone.”
I lightly ran the tip of my finger along her jaw, catching the way her posture relaxed by my touch. “There are far bigger things to worry about. There’s no need for you to get so upset about something we won’t even have to face for years. Not to mention, we don’t even know if we’ll ever have to face it. But if you want my answer, here it is… This conversation started because you asked me if I had a problem wearing condoms forever. The longer it takes to conceive a baby, the longer I get to have sex with you without a rubber. I’m sure my answer doesn’t help ease your fears, but it’s the silver lining I’m choosing to point out.”
She rolled her eyes and bit her lip to contain the grin curling the corners of her mouth. “It all comes back to sex, doesn’t it?”
“You can’t give a starving man food and then wonder why he can’t stop thinking about it.”
“Oh, so you were starved for sex before I gave in?” Her eyes twinkled with humor.
“No…I was starved for you.”
“Still hungry?”
My dick instantly hardened at her insinuation. “As a matter of fact, I am. And your parents gave me enough condoms to go all night.”
Her head shook with the laughter rolling through her, and she pressed her palms to my chest, preventing me from moving closer to her. “You just completely killed the mood, Creed. I can’t have sex with you knowing you’re wearing condoms my parents gave you. I’m going to have a talk with them about that later. Do me a favor and throw them out.”
“Imagine how uncomfortable it was for me to take them in the first place. But it was the only way to get your parents to let us live together. I would’ve suffered through their talk a hundred times and taken as many boxes of condoms they gave me if it meant getting them to agree that you could live with me. I wasn’t about to lick a gift horse in the mouth.”
Her smile widened and it caused the skin next to her eyes to wrinkle, her blue pools shining bright. “It’s look a gift horse in the mouth. No one would ever lick a horse’s mouth, Creed.”
“Exactly…that’s why I said I wasn’t about to do it.” I climbed off the bed and grabbed my computer from my dresser. “Now, let’s find a place to live.”
Later, when we discussed our plans with Colin and Dre, they suggested we find a place big enough for all four of us to live in. Drea wanted to stay with her sister, but I believed it had more to do with not wanting to live with Colin alone. Although they were committed to one another, they didn’t seem as serious as Layne and I were. I assumed the prospect of them breaking up and what they’d do with living arrangements if that happened played a bigger role in their desire to live with us than Drea not wanting to be away from Layne. Either way, we all agreed to find a bigger place after our lease ended in May.
Mr. Cooper had agreed to pay the girls’ half of the rent, but since Colin and I wouldn’t be able to move in and pay bills for almost five months, they decided it’d be best to wait before renting an apartment. Layne wasn’t excited about staying in her parents’ house for that long, but there really wasn’t much she could do.
By the beginning of February, both girls had practically moved in with us in our tiny apartment. It was already cramped with Colin and me, and with the girls there all the time, we barely had enough room to turn around. But it was better than the alternative. We only had to wait four months before we could have more space. And if I were being honest, I almost didn’t want a bigger apartment, because I liked having her so close to me all the time.
We ended up finding a great deal on an apartment close to school. My portion of the rent went down by a hundred dollars. I talked to my parents about it, and they’d agreed to continue giving me the same amount for rent they had been, as long as I didn’t spend it frivolously. I decided to offer the difference to Layne’s dad, to help with her bills. He seemed very appreciative of my offer, but refused to take my money. He did, however, suggest I put it in
savings to use after I was done with school. He made a few comments about how tight money would be when I’m in the real world and then him not wanting Layne to suffer, which made me happy he believed we’d be together for the long haul. I guess our commitment was obvious to more people than just us.
Drea opened the door with only one box in her hand—a small box—while Colin heaved an armful inside. By the way he glared at her, I knew it’d be a fun night. They didn’t necessarily fight, but there were times it became uncomfortable to be around them. At least now we had more room to get away from them than we did at the old apartment.
“I can’t believe I used to worry about you wanting my sister,” Layne half whispered, half laughed as we moved the new couches around the living room. “All I have to do is watch your facial expressions when you look at her, and poof…all the worry disappears.”
I leaned against the back of the sofa and peered at her while she organized the pillows on the long couch. “I don’t even know where to begin. First of all, when did you ever worry about me wanting your sister? I thought that had been a joke. And what do you mean by watch my facial expressions? What do they look like?”
She glanced at the front door where Colin and Drea struggled to get their boxes inside, and then she whirled around and faced me with a teasing smile. “I wouldn’t really say worried. It was just an insecurity I had. You knew her before me, and you guys have this weird bond. I can’t explain it right without sounding ridiculous. I’m thankful you get along with my sister—it could be worse. But at the beginning, I didn’t know how to take it.”
We’d been over this before, and I was not the kind of person to beat a dead horse, but when it came to Layne, I’d beat anything with whatever I had in my hand at the time if it meant proving myself to her. Nothing about her expression revealed even the slightest insecurity as she regarded me from the other side of the couch; however, it didn’t stop me from burying this once and for all.