by Leddy Harper
The circle she traced on my wrist scorched my skin and set my mind running, taking my thoughts in an entirely new direction. I leaned in, pulling her closer to me at the same time, and kissed her, not allowing my lips to linger on hers for long. “I have a better idea,” I said as my hand fell away from her chin.
I pulled back, righting myself in my seat before her extensive gaze could trap me. It wasn’t hard to get lost in those blue pools of promise. And if that happened, I’d never follow through with what I intended. Frantic and hurried, I restarted the engine and left while I still could, before other cars had completely boxed me in.
Her small fingers gripped the console, her gasp filling the interior of the car as my eagerness and quick movements surprised her. She glanced out her window when I navigated through the small crowd that had formed. But then her attention returned to me, asking, “Where are we going?”
I didn’t answer her, only offered a sly half grin as I drove away. She pestered me the entire five-mile drive, yet I still didn’t give anything away. It wasn’t until I parked along the street in front of Forever Tattoo when it dawned on her what I had in mind. Shocked didn’t even come close to the expression she portrayed.
“We’re getting tattoos?” Her big, bright eyes met mine, and I had a hard time containing my laughter at the way her mouth hung open, disbelief and surprise written all over her face.
“Correction…I’m getting a tattoo. You know, since it’s my anniversary and all. I want a permanent reminder etched on my skin to mark the occasion. If you choose to get one, that decision is entirely up to you.”
Her nose scrunched and her top lip curled up. “Oh, God…please tell me you aren’t getting my name. That’s like a relationship death wish. Not to mention, completely cliché and utterly ridiculous.”
“No. I’m not getting your name. But it will be something to remind me of you.”
“This is a horrible idea, Creed. And I’d be the worst girlfriend in the world if I didn’t try to talk you out of it. We’ve been together for a year. And although it feels like it’s been an eternity because neither of us have ever experienced something this serious before, in the grand scheme of things…a year really isn’t a very long time. We’re still young. Things could change. We don’t know what the future will bring. If you permanently mark yourself with something to remind you of me, you might look back and regret it.”
Her pessimistic words had my heart ceasing to beat in my chest. “Don’t talk like that, Layne. Yes, we are young, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know how I feel about you. And I’m sure things will change—they always do—but why do you assume the changes will be bad?”
“I’m not assuming that. I’m simply stating the obvious.”
“Obvious?” I reared my head back, like her words had physically slapped me.
She grunted and fisted her hands in her lap. “No. Wrong word. I don’t think something awful will happen. But at the same time, you have to be realistic. We’re still in school. We don’t know what life will bring once we graduate. We don’t know where fate will take us. It’s the reality of life, Creed.”
“This is why I want to do this…to show the faith I have in you, in us. I don’t care about reality or where life takes us. I know we’ll be fine. I believe in us, Layne. I believe what we have goes beyond reality. Which is why I’m getting this tattoo—to symbolize the hope I’ll never let go of.”
Her eyes softened and her lips quirked into a teasing smirk. And just like that, the weight of worry had vanished. “Hope? What are you going to get, the Superman crest?”
“What I’m going to get will be part you, part me, and all us. Come on.” I turned the car off and stepped out before meeting her on the other side. I took her hand and led her through the door, finding her overwhelmed expression amusing.
Her attention hovered around the posters on the wall, over the glass counter at the front filled with body jewelry, and then landed on the heavyset guy decorated in ink. Her struggle to contain her reaction was obvious. The way her eyes slightly widened, her shoulders growing stiff, didn’t go unnoticed by me.
“What can I do for you?” the man asked while ambling toward us. Tattoos covered nearly every visible inch of his skin from the neck down. It was damn intimidating, although his tone was light and calm. He reminded me of a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
“I’d like to get a tattoo.” I squeezed Layne’s hand in reassurance before releasing it to hold my arm out. I pointed to Layne’s favorite spot on my left wrist and said, “The yin-yang symbol right here.”
“Traditional, or something special?”
I had no idea, considering I had only made the decision to get it about fifteen minutes ago. However, I didn’t want him to know that. I’m sure he saw a lot of college students coming in here on the spur of the moment to get tattoos of things they’d eventually regret. But I wasn’t one of them. No matter how last minute this idea was, it would never be something I’d wish I hadn’t gotten. So I straightened my spine, and as confidently as I could, I said, “Traditional.”
“Okay then. I can take you now if you’re ready.”
I glanced at Layne and watched her eyes light up, flashing brightly back at me. They were filled with excitement and pride, and an uncontrollable warmth filled me, causing my skin to heat up.
“I’d like the same thing, too. If you have time,” she said without turning her attention to the man in front of us.
My eyes widened, surprise registering in the smile spread across my face. “Really? Are you sure?” After what she’d said in the car about tattoos, her decision was completely unexpected.
Her cheeks tinted pink and her eyes brightened. “Yes…I’m more than sure.”
The man shuffled on his feet, garnering our attention. “I’ve got all the time in the world.” And then he led us back to his station, set everything up, and went to work.
By the time we left, each with matching tattoos on our wrists, we were flying high on adrenaline. I couldn’t believe it’d only been a year ago I’d first laid eyes on her, first met her. First fell in love. There was no way I’d fallen so hard, so deeply in love with her in only a year. And I couldn’t wait to see how full, how wide, our circle would be in another year. In another five, ten, fifteen years.
We went straight home and fell into one another. We spent the entire night tangled in each other, giving in to the depths of our love, and I never wanted it to end. I needed to feel her beneath me, on top of me, against me forever.
Finally, at almost two in the morning, we settled beneath the blankets on our backs and stared up at the ceiling, much like we had done so many times before. I held her hand between us with our fingers laced together. The clear Saran Wrap on her wrist met mine, and it filled the silence of the room with the soft wisps of crinkling plastic.
“Why did you choose your left wrist?” she asked in a whisper.
“Because for some reason, it’s always the side you trace circles on. Why did you choose your right?”
She turned her head on the pillow to face me and waited until I did the same. “Because this way, when we hold hands, they will be together. Like us. Yen and Yang.”
“I love the way you think.” I rolled onto my side, draped my arm over her midsection, and pulled her closer to me. “You still think getting a tattoo was a stupid idea?”
“No. But I’m sure my parents will. You know we’ll end up getting an earful from Colin and Drea tomorrow, too.”
“Do you regret it?”
“Not for one second.” She nuzzled closer to me, and it didn’t take long for her breathing to even out.
I didn’t want to fall asleep. I longed to lie here and watch her for the rest of the night. A year ago, I’d stared up at the dark ceiling, alone in my bed with thoughts of Layne racing through my mind. Not much had changed. Except now, I found myself staring at her. I wasn’t alone, because I had her next to me every single night. However, my mind never stopped racing with thoughts of
Layne. I was sure I would always think of her, because she consumed me. Her love filled me and made my heart beat.
A year ago, I’d stayed up all night contemplating what the next day would bring.
This time, I stayed up all night contemplating what the rest of our lives would bring.
Chapter Twelve
Now
I made it to four o’clock before I had to pull over and get more gas. Exhaustion had taken over, and I knew if I didn’t find a motel and get some sleep, I wouldn’t make it much farther. So I decided to grab something quick to eat and then I found a place to stay for the night.
I was rather surprised when I slept for longer than a few hours. I didn’t wake up again until six the next morning. I knew I’d needed it. I was no stranger to running on fumes for as long as the caffeine and adrenaline would take me, but it always caught up to me in the end. Much like it had last night. At least now I felt more alert and ready to make the long trek through Texas.
Driving such a long distance without companionship became lonely. I’d pretty much been left with music, the sounds of the road, and my own memories. Which had been fine for the first half of the trip, but after attaining the rest I needed, I found the solitude almost unbearable. So when my phone rang, I desperately picked it up without bothering to check the number. I hadn’t really cared who it was, as long as I had someone to speak to. Although, that thought quickly vanished as soon as the deep timbre on the other end came through.
“Did Harvey tell you to check up on me?” I asked and gripped the wheel tighter.
Jason laughed, and my irritation settled slightly. “No, man. You were pretty vague in your message when you asked me to pick up the files for the deposition, and then Harvey said something about a family emergency in California?”
“Yeah. I’m headed there now.”
“Oh…you’re not there yet?” His voice rose higher at the end, making me believe he’d meant to catch me in a lie.
I didn’t even bother hiding the annoyance in my tone when I stoically replied, “No. I decided to drive.”
“If I had a family emergency across the country, I think I would’ve chosen to fly. If you didn’t need to get there right away, you could’ve stayed for the deposition and then flown out today. You probably still would’ve gotten there faster.”
My body temperature rose with the anger elicited from his accusation. “So Harvey did make you call me. Good to know.”
“No, man. That’s not why I’m calling. It’s just that I saw you Wednesday night, and then a few hours later you were headed out. I wanted to make sure everything was okay. I assumed you would’ve flown, so I thought I’d give you some time to settle in first before calling you.”
Out of everyone at the firm, I’d gotten along best with Jason. It wasn’t like him to come at me for something. His explanation seemed plausible, so I had to settle down and at least give him a chance to prove me otherwise. “Well, I decided to drive.”
“Listen, I know you’re not going out there for family.”
“Yes, I am,” I said sternly. Layne was my family. Always would be.
He exhaled deeply into the phone, yet I didn’t know how to take it. “It is what it is, Creed. Trust me. I’m not going to say anything to anyone. I saw you the other night. I could tell you had more on your mind than the memorandum or your job. I’m not an idiot. I know how to read people. If you need to talk, just know I’m here.”
“There’s nothing to talk about.” I knew I was being stubborn, but I couldn’t help it.
“So…who’s sick?” he asked, not giving up.
I knew better than to make up some illness for a family member. I believed it did nothing but wish them harm to say something was wrong with a loved one when it wasn’t. But I had to tell Jason something, so I told him it was my sister. I figured it wouldn’t be so bad considering I didn’t have one. It wasn’t like Karma could really go after her.
“How long has she lived in California?”
“A year,” I answered without even thinking about it.
“When was the last time you spoke to her?”
“A year ago, when she left.”
“Why’d she leave you?”
It took me a full second before I realized I’d been caught. But by then, I didn’t care. Other than my two calls with Drea, I had barely spoken about Layne to anyone. After she first left, my parents—mainly my mom—had brought her up a lot, but I always squelched those conversations and only offered the bare minimum. I hadn’t been ready to talk about it then. And once enough time had lapsed to where I could talk about her without becoming angry all over again, everyone had grown so used to tiptoeing around the subject, I basically had no one to talk to about it. Not like it really mattered since I wasn’t necessarily the type to open up about things. However, after so long, everything had become so bottled up inside me, I was surprised I hadn’t exploded.
Then again…I did hop in my car and head across the country for her.
“She longed to chase after her dreams. She’d lived in the same town her whole life and was ready to see what other places had to offer. We were done with school, so I guess she thought it was time to live her life.”
“So she left you?” With each question he asked, it became easier and easier to answer.
“Not really. She asked me to go with her, but I didn’t think it was a good time. So I let her go. Biggest fucking mistake of my life.” I swallowed past the guilt building in my throat. It threatened to block my air and suffocate me. But then I glanced at the mile marker on the side of the road, reminding me where I was headed and why, and it vanished.
“She just woke up one day and decided to move away?” He seemed surprised. Then again, knowing Jason, he probably wasn’t. He was smart enough to know there was more to the story.
And since I’d already said as much as I had, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to keep going. “No. She had dropped little hints from time to time. Just about the idea of getting out of North Carolina, but never about when she planned to leave. I should’ve known, though.”
As I spoke, my mind drifted, recalling the hints that in hindsight were blatant pleas for something different. The memory hit me like a ton of bricks bombarding the forefront of my mind. We’d been on our rock, overlooking the river rushing beneath us. The sun shone bright, but the breeze was enough to cool us off. She stared across at the green trees when she spoke, not once looking at me.
“I’ve always yearned to see the world,” she said wistfully, her eyes squinting against the sun.
“We can see the world together, Yen.”
“I don’t mean I want to spend years seeing everything the world has to offer. Just more than this. When you grow up in the same place, see the same people, walk the same streets…it becomes monotonous. And then you stop appreciating what your hometown offers. I hope it never gets to that point. Cancer really fucks you up like that.”
I moved to stand behind her, needing to see what she was so focused on as she spoke.
“You fight the bouts of nausea. You fight the toll chemo takes on your body. You fight the courage it takes to look in the mirror when all your hair falls out. And then you wake up the next day and fight some more…all for what? To keep doing the same things and not actually live? I don’t want to look back on this past year and be left asking myself what I did with my new chance at life.”
“You don’t have to question that.”
“I just need to get out of Durham,” she said so quietly the wind nearly carried her voice away.
“Like right now?” I stared at her, while her gaze remained glued to the trees on the other side. “Or do you mean in general?”
She shrugged and squinted. “Obviously, I would have to be given a reason to leave. A job or something. It wouldn’t be while I’m in school. I just don’t want to die in the same town I was born in. It seems like a waste of a life.”
I wrapped my arms around her waist and pressed my chest against her sh
oulders. With my lips next to her ear, I whispered, “Let’s add it to the list…we’ll do it all. Together. I promise.”
Except, I’d lied.
“You can’t beat yourself up over it,” Jason said with deep sincerity in his tone.
“I know. But I wish I hadn’t wasted the last year of my life without her.”
“I get it. However, think about it this way…if you would’ve went with her and things didn’t work out as planned—say you didn’t pass the bar, or had to wait even longer to take it. Or say you didn’t get a job, or couldn’t find one that pays as much as Harvey. You could’ve grown to resent her, which is hard to come back from. Anger fades. Feelings mend and emotions change. But resentment…it’s the final nail in the coffin. Only now, you’ve passed the bar; you’ve worked at the firm of your dreams. And here you are, chasing after her, because it’s what you want. You’re not driving across the country because she asked you to.”
“You sure Harvey didn’t tell you to call me?”
Jason laughed again, and I could mentally see his head shaking and his goofy grin. “I swear. And don’t worry. He won’t find out. As far as he’s concerned, you’re on your way to a family emergency. Now go get her.”
I was. And I wouldn’t stop until I had her back in my arms where she belonged.
Then
Colin and I had officially graduated from UNC Chapel Hill. School wasn’t over for me, though. I’d gotten my acceptance letter to Duke a few months earlier, which had made my life easier. It had been my number one school, and I’d kept my fingers crossed that I’d get in. I couldn’t stand thinking about moving away to a different law school, having to suffer through a long-distance relationship. All my dreams were riding on that acceptance letter, so when I’d received it, a two-ton weight had been lifted off my chest.
I had a degree in history, ready to tackle whatever Duke would throw my way.