by Leddy Harper
“You spoke to her?” The way my mom gasped at the end of her question told me she was either on the verge of crying, or the tears had already begun.
“No, not really. I got in my car the other morning and just started driving. I couldn’t wait any longer. She wasn’t answering my calls and it started to worry me, so I left. But I was able to get ahold of Drea.”
“Layne knows you’re coming, though…right?”
“I don’t think so. Drea believes she’ll be mad, so she hasn’t told her. I’m in Texas now, and will probably stay the night close to the Texas-New Mexico border. If I can make it that far, I could potentially get there late tomorrow night.”
She huffed, which spoke volumes. All my life, if my mom huffed, it meant discontent. “Why didn’t you call sooner? Let us know you were leaving? You know we don’t like you to be on the road for long trips without telling us about it. Anything can happen.”
I rolled my eyes, even though she couldn’t see me. I appreciated my parents’ concern for my wellbeing, but at some point, I wished they’d stop treating me like a child. I guess it was something I wouldn’t understand until I had children of my own. I’d never forget the lecture she gave me when I’d taken Layne on a spontaneous trip to Myrtle Beach without letting them know first. Needless to say, this was the first time since then I’d traveled anywhere far and not mentioned it to them.
“Had you talked to me about it, I could’ve told you everything was fine. I just spoke to her mother a few weeks ago. I’m sure if something was wrong, she would’ve mentioned it to me. Regardless, I must say I’m happy you’ve finally pulled your head out of your behind. One of you needed to. I can’t believe either of you have let this go on for so long.”
My thoughts couldn’t move past the news of her talking to Layne’s mom. To say I was surprised to the point of shock would be quite the understatement. I had no idea they still spoke, but then again, I had pretty much banned my parents from speaking to me about Layne, so it made sense they wouldn’t tell me. “How often do you speak to her mom?”
“Every now and again. They had sent us a gift and card for Christmas, and since then, maybe a handful of times. They were actually out in California visiting the girls when I called, so we didn’t talk for long.”
“Did she say anything about Layne?”
My mom hummed slightly into the receiver, probably running through their conversation in her head. “Just that both girls were busy working. I’d mentioned how I wish you two could have worked things out. She said everything happens for a reason, but I don’t know what she meant by it. I assumed maybe Layne had met someone. I couldn’t ask, though. I didn’t want to know if she had because I wasn’t ready to give up hope on the two of you getting back together. Have you thought about that, Creed? About her possibly being with someone else?”
“I have…but Drea said she hasn’t dated anyone.”
I let my mom go on for the next thirty minutes, although I barely contributed to the conversation. My mind had been too wrapped up in what Layne’s mother had meant by everything happens for a reason. I never understood why people said that. Sometimes the reason is because we are too caught up in our own crap to see the bigger picture. Sometimes the reason isn’t some complex metaphorical ideology. Sometimes it’s because of stupidity.
Regardless of reason, I’d fight with all I had to win Layne back.
I would worry about smoothing things over with everyone else later.
Then
Layne and I had been together for two years, so for Christmas, I bought her a tiny diamond ring. It wasn’t an engagement ring, but a promise ring. I was in my first year of law school at Duke, on my last leg of the race. In a little more than two years, I’d be in the real world and ready to start my life. The ring was a symbol of that promise.
She cried when I gave it to her, even though I explained what it was. She said she loved it, but her emotions were all over the place. We’d spent Christmas Eve and a few hours Christmas morning at her parents’ house. After breakfast, we left to head down to my parents’ house where we ended up staying through New Year’s. However, Layne had spent the entire week in tears, and I hadn’t a clue why. I’d tried to talk to her about it, yet she came up with a laundry list of excuses, none of them believable. I’d never seen her so emotional before, and it had really worried me.
Finally, a few days after we’d gotten back home, she sat me down and explained.
I never expected to hear the words she spoke to me.
“So you know how last month I had to go in for my check-up?” she asked while holding my hand in her lap. We were on the bed, facing one another, and by the terrified expression on her face, I assumed the worst.
Since she’d been in the clear for over two years now, her doctor only had her going in every six months. I’d asked her how it went, and she said it was good. I didn’t have a reason to doubt her at the time, but now, I couldn’t stop the panic from enveloping me. I fought to keep my face stoic, bracing myself against the words that were on the verge of tumbling from her lips. Words that had my insides clenching, twisted up in fear. I silently waited for her to continue.
“Well, what you didn’t know, was I had to go back. A few days before Christmas, I went back in for more scans.” She paused, waiting for my reaction, but I couldn’t give her one. I had no idea what it was she was trying to tell me.
“Just spit it out, Layne.”
“The bloodwork showed my CA levels were elevated, more so than before.”
“Wait.” I held up my hand to stop her. “What do you mean more than before? When have they been elevated before, and why didn’t you tell me?”
“They fluctuate. You only needed to know everything came back clear. I learned very early on to not obsess over the numbers. They help, but aren’t always accurate. They could rise for so many reasons unrelated to the cancer returning. The main goal is to stay below a certain number, and they always have.”
“So…what does that mean now?”
“Six months ago my levels had risen a little, but were still within the safe zone. My scans came back clean, so I was fine. Last month, my levels had gone above the normal, but not by much. My doctor ordered more scans to be safe, although he didn’t seem worried about it. He said it could be a number of things and wanted to rule out cancer first. I didn’t think anything of it, considering the last scans—six months earlier—were fine. I figured I’d get the scans done, hear there was nothing on them, and then move on like last time. I didn’t see the point in worrying everyone since this same thing happened at the last appointment.”
“What did they find, Layne?” I bit out through my clenched jaw and tight lips. I wasn’t angry, but my words came across clipped and urgent. I was petrified. Panic burned like kerosene through my veins. My gut told me what she couldn’t, but my heart and mind refused to accept it. They were convinced she’d say something else. Wishful thinking at its finest.
Her chin dipped and her shoulders fell forward. A sigh slipped out. “It’s back.”
The worst two fucking words I’d ever heard in my life. They seeped in and cut me open from the inside out. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I didn’t know if I should hold her close to me or punch a wall. Anger curled beneath the surface at the unfairness of it all. Pain spread through my veins over my inability to protect her. Confusion and utter disbelief weighed me down until it felt like I had a thousand pounds of iron sitting on my chest.
“When did you find this out?”
She still refused to meet my gaze as she said, “Just before Christmas.”
I jumped off the bed and fisted my hands in my hair, pacing the length of the bed. “And you’re just now telling me?”
“Creed,” she said through a deep sob as she pulled herself to the edge of the mattress, closer to me. “I didn’t want to ruin your Christmas. It’s not like we could’ve done anything about it. I wanted to enjoy the holiday with you. I wanted you to enjoy it with me without
worrying about what will happen next.”
I stopped my pacing and stood in front of her, taking her face in my hands. Tears flowed from my eyes, matching the ones tracking down her cheeks. “You made me promise to never lie to you. Do you remember that? And why? Why did you ask me to always tell you the truth? What was the reason you gave me, Layne? The reason why you hate being lied to?”
She shook her head, trying to pull away from me, but I wouldn’t let her.
“Because your parents kept it from you. And yet you just did the same to me.”
“I didn’t want to ruin your Christmas.”
Pain rolled through my chest and came out in a guttural cry as I fell to my knees in front of her. “And what happens if that was our last Christmas together? What if…God forbid…we don’t get another one? Did you think about how your choice would affect me?” I dropped my forehead to her knees and gripped her hips so hard I could’ve left bruises. “I’d hate myself for spending time with other people when I could’ve made memories with you.”
Her fingers ran through my hair, calming the debilitating tears that stole my breath. “You don’t have to worry about that, Creed. Because it won’t be our last Christmas. I’m going to fight this, like I fought last time, and I’m going to win again. I won’t let this disease take me.”
“We are going to fight. You won’t do this alone.”
She nodded and wiped the tears from my face.
“What did your parents say?”
“They don’t know yet. I wanted to get through the holidays first before telling anyone. You’re the first person I’ve told. I didn’t want anyone to know before you.”
“So what’s the plan? Where do we go from here?”
“That’s why I wanted to talk to you first, so we can figure this out together.” She traced the lines of my face with her fingertip. “They’re going to take my ovary, Creed.”
I stared into her eyes, seeing the agony and terror so visible it was almost as though I could touch them, feel them within myself. They were palpable and real, and no matter how hard I tried to stay calm, I couldn’t. “When are they doing that? When does this start?”
“I want to hold off on it so they can harvest some eggs.”
“No.” I stood up so fast it made Layne flinch and lean away from me. “You’re not holding off on anything. I don’t care what the reasons are, you can’t put it off, Layne. You can’t wait. You have to do this as soon as you can.”
“Without the eggs, I’ll never be able to have kids.”
“I don’t care!” I knew I scared her, and it was the last thing I wanted to do, but the alarm rolling through me wouldn’t settle, and it caused me to lash out. “What’s the point in having your eggs in some freezer if you won’t be here? You come first. You.”
“I can harvest the eggs and survive. It’s not one or the other. I can do both.”
I pressed my back against the wall and covered my face with my hands. I wanted to be strong for her, but it was so damn hard when all she talked about was putting off treatment. “I don’t want to take the chance, Layne. I can’t take the chance.”
I didn’t hear her slip off the bed. I had no idea she even stood in front of me until her fingers wrapped around my wrists and pulled my hands away. “We’ve talked about a family before. You and I both talked about having children someday. This is the only way to do that. It’s not like I’d have to put treatment off for a long time…only a couple months at most. They were able to catch it early enough, so a month or two won’t be a big deal. I want to have babies with you, Creed. I want to do this.”
My hands enveloped the sides of her face so fast it caused her to gasp. With my fingers laced through her hair, I brought her lips to mine for a hard, punishing kiss. Her tears blended with mine, and her breaths echoed around me, matching the uneven and harsh rhythm of my own.
Our lips broke apart, but I kept her face close, the tips of our noses touching, our foreheads pressed together. “You are my family, Layne. You’re all I need. Get through this…fight this, and then we can discuss babies.”
“You’re not getting it. After this, I won’t ever be able to have them.” She took a step back, the frustration in her words caused her voice to rise.
“No one ever said a family has to be biological. When we discussed having a baby, you said it could be difficult. You said there were no guarantees. So please, stop acting like it was a done deal—it never was. If you hold off on treatment to do the egg retrieval, there are no guarantees it will work. Why risk your life for a hypothetical child who shares the same DNA? At the end of the day it’s just biology. I’d rather adopt, knowing we can raise them together, than the uncertainty of a forever with you. Because, Layne…there is no happily ever after in a world where you don’t exist.”
“You have to stop questioning my survival.”
She was right. She required my strength and that is what she would get. A sense of determination settled over me as I swallowed back my own anxiety, then I reached out to her, tugging her body against mine. With Layne secure in my embrace, I rested my chin on the top of her head. “Then I need you to start fighting. Right now. Not in a few months, not after they harvest some eggs…right now.”
“I just want a family with you.” Her voice peaked with her tears, causing her words to break and fill the air between us in utter pain.
I held her tighter. “And I just want you.”
She nodded against my chest, and it was the first time I was able to breathe properly. The first time since she said those two dreaded words, my lungs were finally able to expand normally. Her eyes met mine, filled with such sharp emotion they cut right into me, into my heart, and splintered inside my chest.
“Please, Layne…please tell me you won’t wait.”
Layne’s gaze never faltered, even through the onslaught of tears cascading down her cheeks. I knew I was asking the impossible…asking her to accept something so difficult to wrap her mind around. But I needed it. I needed to know she wouldn’t hate me for standing so firm on this. I couldn’t breathe without her—she had to know that.
Honestly, as much as I didn’t want to force her into something, I wouldn’t give up until she agreed, and if that made me a selfish prick, so be it. “I know this is your body. I can’t even begin to fathom what this is like for you. It’s your decision, but I’m begging you…begging you, Layne, please don’t wait. I love you. I promise you, we’ll get through this. You’ve beaten it once; you’ll beat it again. In a little over two years from now, we’ll get married. We’ll live our lives together. And when we’re ready, we’ll adopt a beautiful, happy, healthy baby. You’ll hold him or her in your arms, and you won’t see biology. You won’t see DNA or genes. You’ll see the love of your life, no matter what color, what gender, where the baby came from…because it’ll be ours.”
She nodded as I ran the pads of my thumbs along her cheeks, wiping away the tears. “Okay.”
“Okay?” I refused to let my heart soar, unable to handle it if I’d misunderstood her.
She nodded again and I pressed my lips to hers, tasting the salt of her tears.
“You’re sure?” I asked when I pulled away. I kept my eyes trained on Layne’s, needing to see her truth.
“Yes. I can’t promise in years from now that I won’t be haunted by the possibilities of what might have been, but that is something I’m willing to accept. Creed, as long as we have love to see us through, that is what’s important.”
“I’ll remind you every single day for the rest of our lives.”
The corners of her lips turned up slightly in the most pathetic smile I’d ever seen. But I couldn’t focus too much on it because as soon as it came on, she ducked her head and melded into me. She pressed her cheek to my chest and wrapped her arms around my waist.
“Do the doctors know why it came back? Is there a reason? Something causing it?” I desperately needed answers, needed to know what to do and what to avoid. There had to be somethi
ng we could do to keep it from coming back again.
Layne tightened her arms around me and then let go before backing up a few steps. I didn’t move, though. I stood against the wall as she sat back down on the edge of the mattress, her shoulders slouched as if she carried the weight of the world on them. The way her back bent forward, her eyes soft and distant, showed me just how frightened she was in that moment. I knew I couldn’t allow any space between us, the distance already too much to bear. I sat next to her and pulled her into my side. No matter how much I wanted to press for answers, I knew I had to wait for her to be ready.
Finally, after a long exhale, she said, “Ovarian cancer isn’t that common in childbearing years. Most of the time women get it when they’re older. But not always. However, that just means it’s even less common for a seventeen-year-old to have it. When they removed the first ovary, they ran tests and scans to make sure it had all been removed and hadn’t spread. Everything came back clear. I went through chemo to rid my body of any cancer cells I had left to prevent it from spreading. With it coming back after over two years, it’s possible I have a mutated gene.”
So many thoughts and questions attacked me all at once, and I didn’t know how to process it all. I had never looked up the statistics on cancer, much less ovarian cancer, and I hated myself for not understanding exactly what she’d gone through. I only knew what she’d told me during those first couple months of our relationship. I’d thought if I researched it, it would mean I expected it to return. And by not obsessing over something she’d ridden herself of, it would prove I had faith in her health.
I’m such a fucking idiot.
I leaned back enough to observe her without letting her go. “What do you mean?”
“Everyone has the BRCA gene.” She regarded me confidently as she spoke, and I noticed how clear and concise her words were. Speaking scientifically must’ve given her some separation from the situation. “If the gene is mutated, you have a higher risk for certain cancers. My doctor didn’t feel it was necessary to run a test for it when I first developed cancer, because as far as we know, I don’t have any family history of it. But now he thinks it would be a good idea to get tested. It won’t really do me any good to know, but at least there will be documentation for the rest of the family. There’s a chance somewhere along the way, I had relatives who suffered from this, only it was never noted or discovered.”