Jane set her red pen on the pile of papers she was grading and leaned back against her.
“How was your day?” Izzy nuzzled Jane’s neck. God, she always smelled so good, and her skin was so soft.
Jane hummed her pleasure. “A bit crazy. How about yours?”
“The same. Did you go by your parents’ house?”
Jane tensed. “Yes.”
Izzy wanted to ask how the visit went, but it was obvious she didn’t want to talk about it, just like every other time.
Jane swiveled the barstool around to face Izzy, and she took her hands. “I know it’s my night to make dinner, but can we go out tonight? I’m just not into cooking.”
And…the inevitable change of topic. Jane always looked beautiful, but tonight, she also looked tired. Her shoulders drooped, and her smile didn’t quite make it to her eyes. Izzy saw she was done with this day and done with the subject of her parents.
“I can cook, if you want. You can just relax and tell me about it.” Izzy massaged Jane’s hands and kissed her palms.
“Won’t it mess up your schedule?” Jane didn’t look as relieved by the suggestion as Izzy had hoped, which was disappointing.
There was a hint of something in Jane’s voice, too. Izzy couldn’t place what it was, but it made her feel disconnected from her. The conversation with Audie replayed in her mind. She needed to let Jane know she was the only thing on her list tonight and the most important thing all the time.
“I can shift things around. Unless you truly want to go out to eat.”
Jane relaxed a little. Her brow smoothed and she smiled. “I’d truly love to just go out. No dishes. No fuss.”
“Okay. Let me just get my run in. You pick the place.” Izzy peeled off her jacket.
Jane’s shoulders stiffened a bit. “Oh. Okay.” She didn’t sound enthused.
“I can pick the place, if you want.” Jane usually liked to pick the place. She was more of a foodie than Izzy.
“No, it’s okay. I’ll do it.” Izzy wondered what had happened at her parents’ house to make Jane so low-energy.
Izzy kept her run short so she could get home to take a shower before they left for dinner. When she got out of the shower, Jane told her they had reservations at a casual Italian restaurant they both liked. Izzy wasn’t terribly excited about having a heavy meal, but she figured she’d eat a salad rather than suggest a different place. Tonight was all about Jane.
Dinner was nice, but Jane was still quieter than usual.
“Did something happen at work today? You’re not saying much.”
The waiter brought the check to their table, and Jane waited to reply. “It was just busy. I have some projects I need to catch up on. My sister didn’t help, either.” Jane added the last almost as an afterthought.
Jane didn’t talk about her family much, but when she did, Izzy was always interested. “Leticia called you?”
“We went to lunch.” Jane picked up her purse and started looking for something.
“Oh. She’s in town?” Maybe Jane would invite her to their house so they could finally meet.
“I didn’t tell you?” Jane continued to dig around in her purse.
Izzy wished Jane would look at her. Her distraction was frustrating. “Nope.”
“Well, it was a surprise. She came to have lunch with me, and she was her typical self. Just tiring.”
“Will she be in town long enough to come over so I can meet her?”
Jane looked up from her purse. “Um. She’s pretty busy. Maybe next time?”
Izzy didn’t know how to respond. She felt left out and unimportant. She tried not take it personally, but she couldn’t help it. She paid the bill and helped Jane put on her jacket.
Izzy took her hand as they walked back to the car. “Do you want to take a soak in the hot tub when we get back home?” Memories of their last soak in the hot tub played through her mind, making her heart beat a little harder. She tried not to think about the freak-out afterward.
“Not really. I just want to tune out with TV.” The letdown Izzy felt surprised her. Tonight was a her-and-Jane night. But maybe they could watch a movie together.
She hid her disappointment. “Sounds good.”
The drive home was quiet and short. Izzy held Jane’s hand, and Jane kissed her knuckles like she always did when Izzy reached over and took it. The sense of disconnect receded just a little.
They parked in the garage, and the dogs greeted them with excited dances when they entered through the kitchen door. Jane knelt and loved on them like she always did when she came home to them, and the disconnect seemed to recede a little.
Jane finished petting the dogs and went into the living room and turned on a light. She kicked off her shoes, turned on the news, and then walked down the hall to the bedroom. Izzy was tempted to follow her but didn’t want Jane to feel like she was clinging. She sat on the couch and thumbed through a running magazine. Her thoughts were on Jane’s sister being in town. She knew Jane had issues with her family, but it seemed as if she and Leticia got along well, even if they were a bit distant. Why wouldn’t Jane want to introduce them?
Jane emerged from the bedroom in a pair of old sweats and a T-shirt. Without a word, she sank into the corner of the couch. She looked wiped out, so Izzy tried to forget about her sister. They could talk about it some other time, when Jane wasn’t having such a rough day. Izzy took Jane’s feet, placed them in her lap, and began to rub them. Jane let out a grateful sigh.
The news was so depressing. Izzy normally picked her news input carefully since it had a negative effect on her mood. So much political anger on the national level and only stories about tragedy on the local level. Tonight was no different. But she wanted to be with Jane.
“Do you want something to drink or some popcorn or something?” Izzy asked.
“I’m fine, but thanks.” Jane’s eyes didn’t leave the television.
Izzy rubbed her feet for a few more seconds and then stood. “I’m going to get a cup of decaf. Let me know if you change your mind.”
While the coffee dripped, she retrieved her laptop from the office, along with a pair of headphones. When her coffee was done, she went back to the couch and kicked her shoes off and pulled her feet up onto the couch. Her toes touched Jane’s, and she wiggled them together a second before opening her laptop. She preferred to work in her office, but she figured they could be in the same room even if they were doing two different things.
“Working on the book?” Jane’s eyes stayed on the television.
Izzy smiled at her. “Yeah. I’m not much for the news.”
“It’ll be over soon.”
They were quiet for a while, and Izzy put her headphones on with some music to block out the noise from the television.
Several minutes later, Izzy heard Jane speak but didn’t hear what she said, so she pulled out one of the earbuds.
“Where are you in the book?” Jane repeated.
Izzy grimaced. “In the third section. It’s not going so well.” She’d been stuck on this part for a few weeks. She’d started it several times, but each time, the words just seemed so wooden. They didn’t flow like they had in the first two sections.
Jane lowered the volume on the television, which was playing commercials. “What are you having trouble with?”
“This is the part about making love last.” The part I have no experience with, she thought.
Jane sounded more interested in this conversation than she had all night. “But this is the part you do so well at when giving advice to your friends.”
“It’s different when you’re talking to someone about their specific situation. But I find it’s harder to write about it in general terms.”
“Maybe if you think about examples you’ve talked about with others.”
“I have. And when I write my thoughts down, they feel so trite.”
“I’m sure you’ll figure it out.” The commercials ended, the news started up aga
in, and Jane’s attention returned to the television.
* * *
Izzy parked her car and jaywalked to the coffee shop across the street. She’d left work a little early to meet Haley, and the café was just a couple miles from work. Traffic had been bad, though, like always in San Jose, and it had taken her almost a half hour to get there. She hated driving in rush hour. But if she wanted to get home at a reasonable hour to be with Jane, she would do it.
Before she even entered the shop, she smelled fresh-ground coffee and something chocolaty being baked. Maybe brownies. If it was brownies, she was going to take one home to Jane.
Haley was sitting on a bench right outside the front door. She looked well-rested and in a good mood—a contrast with the last time Izzy had seen her, when dark circles under her eyes and uncombed hair had worried Izzy. The yellow dress she wore was a nice change from the baggy jeans and sweatshirts Izzy had come to expect.
“How’s my favorite niece doing?” Izzy gave Haley a big hug when she stood.
“You know you have other nieces, right?” Haley said as she entered the door Izzy held open for her.
Izzy winked at her. “And I say the same thing to them when I see them.”
“But you only mean it with me, right?”
“Absolutely.” It was true, though. She could admit it to herself even if she wouldn’t dream of telling anyone else.
It was great to see Haley in a good mood. Izzy didn’t mention it, though. She knew how hard it was to try to conform to what people thought you should feel. Haley was Haley, no matter what mood she was in. She’d just enjoy it.
After they ordered their coffee along with three fresh brownies, one wrapped to go, they found a table in the farthest corner so they could talk.
“How are things going, Hale-Bopp?” Izzy used the nickname she’d given her as a child when the comet by the same name was lighting up the skies during its journey through space.
Haley’s smile faded a little, and she tore little pieces from her napkin. “It’s all so overwhelming. So many appointments. Managing medication. Trying to figure out what feelings are real and what are part of this whole…thing.”
Izzy put her hand over Haley’s. “You’re doing so well with all of it. I’m proud of you.”
“What else am I supposed to do?”
Haley’s response reminded her of herself. “You’d be surprised at how many people don’t manage it well,” Izzy said. “You may think there’s just one right path, and it might be easy for you to see it, but other people have a hard time acknowledging what they have to deal with, and they let their illness control them.”
Haley shook her head vigorously. “That’s not an option. I have a baby and a husband to take care of. Simone needs me.”
Izzy was relieved to hear the resolve in Haley’s voice. “It helps to have something to motivate you when you have hard things to deal with. Something that was hard for me was figuring out I was important, too, and I was doing it for me as much as anyone else. You are, too, Haley. Even if you didn’t have Simone, Josh, your mom and dad, me, your friends—anyone else to do it for. You have yourself to think about. I hope you know how important you are.”
Haley stared into her cup. “I do. But it’s hard to remember sometimes.” Then she looked up. “Before the medication, though, it was impossible to remember. So, there’s that.”
It had been such a long time ago for Izzy, but it was still difficult to think about the inky darkness that used to fill her mind, even all these years later. “How’s the medicine working for you?”
Haley looked at the ceiling as if she were taking stock. “It’s helping. I don’t feel so out of control.” Her shoulders sagged. “But it makes me so tired. And I miss having real feelings.”
“What do you mean, real feelings?”
“You know, feeling strongly about things. I miss laughing so hard I almost pee. I can’t even get pissed off about politics lately, and believe me, I know there’s a lot to be pissed off there.”
Izzy laughed. “Yeah, definitely. I remember the feeling of being almost numb.”
Haley leaned forward, gripping her cup in her hands. “What did you do to help with it?”
Izzy paused. She didn’t know. She’d just adjusted. “Well, it was a long time ago, and it’s been a while since I’ve had to adjust them. I’ve been on my current meds for several years. But back when I first had to start taking them, it was a mess. I was on so much lithium I was a zombie. I needed it to help me stabilize, though. Then they worked with my mood stabilizer until we found the right combination of antipsychotic, mood stabilizer, and antianxiety meds. I’ll probably have to tweak it sometime in the future, but it’s stable now.”
Haley studied the liquid in her cup. “I did genetic tests to figure out what meds should be effective and what meds to avoid. So far, they’re working. I just have to figure out coping skills.”
“Coping skills are important. They can do genetic tests now? I wish they’d had them when I was first diagnosed. A few meds I tried in the beginning messed with me quite a bit.” Izzy remembered the one that made her not care about anything so she didn’t shower for weeks at a time. And the one that made her sleep so hard, she’d wet the bed. Embarrassment filled her now. But those meds were nothing compared to the ones that just didn’t work, and she’d cycle through depression and manic episodes at the drop of a hat, taking her rapidly cycling moods out on everyone around her. Her family lost patience with her time and again but wouldn’t tell her. She knew, though. She knew exactly what she put her family through, and she couldn’t do a thing to stop it. She still felt pangs of regret. But they were always there for her. She was so grateful for them. She’d tell Haley this stuff later. It was too fresh for her now. “Getting my meds right was one reason I was in-patient for so long.”
Haley slumped back in her chair. “I can’t even imagine being locked up.”
“It wasn’t a cake walk, that’s for sure. Someday, I’ll tell you what went on in my hospitalization.”
“I can’t wait.” Haley smiled ruefully.
She didn’t want Haley to build a negative perception around her illness, at least not more negative than it was. It was an illness, after all, and she had every right to feel whatever she did about it. But still… “It wasn’t as awful as it sounds. My state of mind was the worst part, and it would have only gotten worse if I hadn’t been in the hospital. You’ll feel better once they get your meds straightened out. You have a lot of input there, and it’ll help if you make an effort to be genuinely open with your doctor about it.”
“I’ve been more than open.” Haley grimaced, and Izzy remembered how she had focused so much of her pain and confusion at her doctors back then. She should look them up and send them some flowers or candy or something.
She patted Haley’s hand. “Your doctor is used to it, Haley. Don’t worry about hurting her feelings.”
“That’s what Dr. Ishikara said. She’s nice, but I don’t like everything she says.”
Oh, jeez. She remembered some of the hard things her doctors made her deal with. A lifetime of meds, a lifetime of personal responsibility, a world of worry she’d somehow learned to live with. Izzy knew exactly what it was like. “I totally understand what you’re going through. It’s a lot to deal with. I promise it gets easier. The important thing is for you to be engaged in and committed to your treatment.”
“I’m trying to be.” Haley looked up at her. “Part of me wants to just say fuck it all sometimes. You know?”
Izzy knew all too well.
“I have to admit it even if it’s hard to say out loud.” Haley frowned. “I have to remember Simone needs me.”
“Simone is a good reminder.” What she remembered back then, when she was coming to terms with her own illness, was her mother. Her mother was her rock, and she’d do anything to keep it together for her. Now it was herself. She was worth it, and she knew it. Jane factored into it now, too.
Haley took
her hand. “You’re fine, though. You’ve been the most stable person I’ve ever known. You give me hope. Will I ever get there?”
Izzy’s heart swelled along with Haley’s words. Hearing them was the best motivation to stay on track she could get. “I love you. You know that, right?”
“I love you, too, Aunt Iz. I don’t know how I could do this without you.” Haley’s eyes misted up, and Izzy’s followed.
“I think you’ll be fine. I know you’ll be fine, as long as you commit to taking care of yourself. It’s a lifelong thing, Haley. It’s an illness you have to manage.”
Haley frowned. “I didn’t ask for this. Fucking genetics.”
Haley’s hand balled into a fist, and Izzy squeezed it. “I know. No one asks for an illness like this. But I promise, it won’t ruin your life if you manage it correctly. It’s a part of you, but it doesn’t define you.” Her own voice echoed through her mind: Listen to your own words. It doesn’t define you.
“I have to remember that.” She put her other hand over Izzy’s hand. “I don’t want to tell people about it. I don’t want them to judge me.”
Been there, done that. “You don’t have to tell anyone if you don’t want to. It’s your business. But I will say that it will make your life easier if you’re more open about it—when you’re ready. Maybe right now, you just take time to get used to it. But when you’re ready, you might want to pick a few people you feel safe enough to share it with.”
“Do you?” Haley asked.
Izzy was taken aback. Not the question actually, but by the real answer. Yes, she had shared with a few people, but not with Jane. She felt like a hypocrite.
“Not as well as I should, I admit. I need to work on that.”
Haley smiled. “I’m so glad I have you to work this out with, Aunt Iz. I don’t know what I would do without you.”
* * *
Relationships are often defined by the way we respond to the most difficult circumstances. This is true in friendships and family ties, as well as in romantic partnerships. It’s inevitable. Bad times are going to happen, but they don’t have to destroy us.
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