“I was afraid of her pulling you into it. Afraid my father would…” Jane’s eyes grew distant.
It dawned on her then. “Were you protecting me from your father?”
Jane nodded and dropped her head. “It turns out I was right.”
“What do you mean?” A cold current washed over her.
“Yesterday evening, my sister went to see my parents because her kids, Marcus and Tricia, wanted to see their grandparents. Leticia told me what happened. Everything was good at first. My nephew looks just like my dad, so my dad was strutting around about that. But then he said something about what a disappointment I was by not giving them any grandchildren. Of course, Leticia couldn’t keep her mouth shut, and she reminded him that due to his homophobia, I couldn’t keep a relationship, let alone plan children.”
The expression of sadness that swept across Jane’s face made Izzy want to cry. “Wow. That’s harsh.”
“Yeah. That’s Leticia. Things got heated after that. My dad spewed a bunch of typical bigoted crap and said something about how it was against God’s law for me to love another woman, let alone have children with one. That’s when Leticia told him I was living with you. I’m not sure what her point was other than to piss him off. He flew into a total rage.”
Izzy’s anger at Jane’s father was boiling. “Did he threaten you?”
Jane’s eyes filled with fear. “He said he’d kill both of us.”
“If he lays a finger on you…”
Jane shook her head. “He won’t.”
“I won’t let him.”
“He won’t,” Jane repeated. “The kids were crying, and Leticia said she refused to let her kids be around such an awful person. That’s when my mother got angry. I wish I had been there. She never stands up to him.” Jane took a shuddering breath. “But she did. She told him she was done with his anger. She wouldn’t allow him to threaten her daughter, and he wasn’t going to be the reason she didn’t see her grandchildren.”
“And he just backed down?” Izzy asked.
“Not at all. He pushed her and knocked her to the floor.”
Izzy clenched her fists. “Is she okay?”
“She’s okay, but…”
Izzy wasn’t sure she wanted to hear more.
“…he went to kick her and collapsed. He had a stroke. A severe one. The doctors don’t think he’ll regain use of his left side.”
Izzy was ashamed. She’d never met the man, but she was glad he’d been struck down. More than anything, she was worried about Jane and took her hand. “Are you okay?”
“I don’t know. I’ve spent my entire life wishing bad things would happen to my father. Lately, I’ve been filled with such hatred knowing he was capable of hurting you. I feel like a stroke is nicer than many of the awful things I wished on him. Does that make me a bad person?”
Izzy kissed Jane’s hand. “Not at all. It makes you a strong person.”
The buzzer on the oven went off, making them both jump. Izzy let go of Jane’s hands, and Jane let out a nervous laugh. She pushed her hair behind her ears when Izzy got up to check the enchiladas.
“I’m not going to burn dinner this time.”
Jane shut her eyes and inhaled when Izzy opened the oven. “Smells delicious. I haven’t had much of an appetite the last few days.”
Izzy put on oven mitts and took the enchiladas out, placing them on the stove. “They need to sit for fifteen minutes, according to the instructions.”
“I’ve really missed you, you know.” Jane’s voice was thick with emotion.
Izzy turned to look at Jane, who traced the whorls of dark color in the marble countertop.
Izzy played with the quilted oven mitt. “You know, when I came home and told you I was bipolar, I had just realized I needed to be open about who I am. I was terrified you would reject me. I thought my worst fear had come true when you left. But I was wrong. My worst fear was that I would lose all the control I have been trying so desperately to hold on to for all these years. But I didn’t. I was devastated, but I didn’t lose myself.”
“I’m so sorry I hurt you.” Jane wiped her tears away.
“It taught me I can deal with hard things, though. Thinking that I’d lost you was the most difficult thing I’ve ever gone through. But I did it. I survived.” Izzy stepped forward and propped her elbows on the counter.
Jane reached across and took one of Izzy’s hands. “I wish I had tried to talk to you sooner. I just hope you can forgive me.”
Izzy rounded the counter to be closer to Jane. “I feel like I’m the one who needs to be forgiven.”
“How about we just forgive each other and try to do better this time.” Jane stroked Izzy’s face, and Izzy closed her eyes. “Will there be a this time?”
Izzy’s eyes flew open. “God, I hope so.”
“I’ve missed you so much.” Jane buried her head in Izzy’s chest.
Izzy lifted Jane’s head. Their eyes met, and Izzy wiped the tears from Jane’s cheeks. “You’re beautiful even when you cry, you know.”
Jane tried to bury her face in Izzy’s chest again. “Shut up.”
“I mean it. I hate it when you cry, but even when you do, you’re beautiful.” Izzy kissed her. “And I love you.”
Jane froze and Izzy pulled back, searching her face.
Jane stroked Izzy’s cheek. “I love you, too.”
Their kiss felt like a first kiss, exciting and new. Izzy held Jane’s face and kissed her with all of the longing she’d drowned in over the last few days. She felt like a miracle had just happened. For once, she didn’t question her grasp on reality.
* * *
Being with someone you love can sometimes be so easy, it doesn’t feel like you have to try. Other times, it requires a major effort. But no matter what, if you keep your mind on the prize and cherish the results of your hard work, it’s quite possibly the most rewarding and worthwhile thing you’ll ever do.
Think about a cherished possession. Maybe you have a trophy or a set of silver your grandmother handed down to you or an old car you’ve restored from scratch. Each one of those things will gather dust, start to lose their luster, if you don’t keep up with them. At the very least, you need to wipe the dust off. But to really keep the shine on, you’re going to have to put some elbow grease into it.
Chapter Forty-two
The sun was warm on Izzy’s back as she nailed down the last shingle on the roof of the tiny house.
Izzy got off the ladder and backed up to survey her work, stopping next to the lounge chair where Jane reclined, reading a book. A glass of lemonade sat on the table next to Jane, and Izzy picked it up, drinking half of it before placing the glass back on the table. Haley strolled across the backyard lawn toward them with Simone in her arms.
“Where’s Josh, Uncle Max, and Uncle Teddy?” Haley pulled alongside Izzy and stopped to look at the playhouse.
Jane held her hands out for the baby, and Haley handed her off.
Izzy shook her head with a smile at her baby-hungry lover. “They went to grab beer and some food to put on the barbeque.”
Haley dropped into the other lounge chair. “Thank God. I wasn’t looking forward to figuring out dinner tonight.”
“You and me both, sister.” Jane held up her hand.
Haley slapped it for a weak high five. Izzy just shook her head again.
“Why do you look so serious, Aunt Iz?” Haley followed Izzy’s gaze to see what Izzy was staring at.
“It’s missing something.” Izzy frowned at the playhouse.
“It’s perfect. A miniature replica of Grandma Sophia’s house.”
Izzy hooked a thumb in her tool belt. “Something’s missing. I just can’t figure it out.”
“It has everything. You even put in a sink with real running water. Simone is going to love it.”
Izzy figured it out. “It needs a welcome mat with cats on it.” Izzy pulled her phone out of her pocket so she could add it to the list of things s
he needed to buy for the playhouse. Top of the list was a real ceramic tea set so she and Simone could play tea party.
Haley laughed. “She’s not even a year old, Aunt Iz. She won’t know the difference.”
Izzy finished updating the list. “I will. It’ll give us some time to build some furniture for it.”
Haley laughed. “You’re crazy.”
“Takes one to know one!” Izzy pointed at her and made a face.
Haley made a face. “Ouch!”
“Too soon?” Izzy asked.
Haley scrunched her face. “You’re the only one who’s allowed.”
“It’s like our own little club.” Izzy gave Haley a high five. She looked over at Jane. “I hope you don’t feel left out.”
Jane looked up from kissing the baby’s toes. “To be honest, I’m grateful not to be a part of your club, but I’m glad to be an ally.” She continued to nibble on Simone’s toes and talk baby talk with her. Simone ate it up.
Izzy and Haley exchanged a look.
“Jane looks like she has a little baby fever.” Haley spoke so only Izzy could hear.
“God, I hope not.” Izzy didn’t mean for her words to come out as quickly or emphatically as they had.
“I thought you liked babies. You’re always the first to cuddle with the new ones in the family.”
Izzy made a face. “I like them fine when I can just hand them back to their parents. I have enough trouble taking care of myself, let alone a baby.”
“You’d be an excellent mother. You’ve always done a good job with me.”
Izzy pushed her shoulder. “Like I said, it’s because I could give you back to your mom when you got on my nerves…or pooped.”
Haley pushed back. “I never got on your nerves.”
“But you don’t deny the pooping.” Izzy pretended to push but tickled Haley’s ribs instead.
“Everyone poops!” Haley laughed and squirmed out of her reach.
Izzy assumed a terrible British accent. “Some of us are spared the indignity of bodily functions.”
“Yeah, right. And I was a perfect child.”
Izzy pretended to think back. “I seem to remember the years between eleven and thirteen were particularly horrendous.”
Haley dodged another push and stopped with her hands on her hips. “Who? Me?”
“You never came out of your room, and when you did, you acted as if it was a chore to be around your family. Including me,” Izzy said.
“I was never embarrassed to be around you.”
Izzy put a finger to her chin. “Hmm. I seem to remember a kid who refused to take a ride from me after school one day.”
“I was just having a bad day.”
Izzy waved a hand. “A bad couple of years, more like it.”
Haley put a hand on Izzy’s shoulder, sincerity shimmering in her eyes. “I apologize for being a jerk.”
“Apology accepted.” Izzy patted her hand.
* * *
“Haley seemed to be doing well today.” Jane pulled on her robe, steam from the shower she’d just left billowing around her in the bathroom.
Izzy finished rinsing out her toothbrush, desire filling her at the sight of Jane pulling her damp hair out of the collar of the robe and shaking it out. She wanted her again, even though they’d just made love.
“Stop looking at me like that.” Jane grabbed a tube of lotion from the counter and kissed Izzy as she passed on her way back to the bedroom.
“I can’t help it when you keep seducing me in the shower. It’s become a Pavlovian response. In fact, I think I’m starting to get a shower fetish.” Izzy put her toothbrush away and followed her into the bedroom.
“I’m totally okay with you having a shower fetish. There are a lot of things way worse.” Jane stood by the bed, squirted lotion from the tube into her hand, and rubbed it over her arms.
“What were we discussing when you started talking dirty to me?” Izzy sat on the bed next to Jane and lifted the hem of her robe.
“You’re the dirty one!” Jane slapped her hand away. “I said Haley looked better today.”
“Oh, yeah.” Izzy tried not to get distracted again. “Her meds are finally at the right levels, and she’s finding a balance.”
“I’m glad. She finally seems to be enjoying being a mother.” A little line furrowed her forehead.
“I was pretty worried there for a while.” Izzy felt bad saying it, but Haley was doing better now, and she didn’t feel as if she was jinxing her ability to cope.
The worry line grew deeper. “For little Simone? Or for Haley?”
Izzy scooted back and leaned against the headboard, thinking about it. Who had she been more worried about? “Both, actually. Simone has a huge family. None of us would let anything happen to her. But Haley is a grown woman, and we couldn’t force her to do anything she didn’t want to do. If she hadn’t been committed to her own health, it could have gone badly.”
Jane climbed onto the bed. “I hate to think about that.”
“Me, too.”
“Would you have taken in Simone if it had come to it?” Jane asked.
Izzy laughed and grasped Jane’s hand. “I’m pretty sure I’d have to fight Josh, her mother, and my other sisters for her if it came down to it. But if it were only me, I would definitely do it.”
“Have you ever thought about being a mother?” Jane asked, playing with Izzy’s fingers.
Izzy’s earlier conversation with Haley came back to her. She didn’t want to come off so vehemently this time. “Not really.”
“I think you’d be great.”
“You’re the second person today to bring up the subject of having a baby.”
“Who else said it?”
“Haley. She saw you with Simone and said she thought you had baby fever.”
“She did?”
“Yeah.” Izzy laughed. “Do you?”
Jane was quiet for a moment, and Izzy began to wonder. “I’ve thought about it, yeah.”
Izzy sat forward. This felt like an important discussion. “Recently?”
“In the past, mostly. But being around Simone, it’s hard not to think about how nice it would be to have a baby.”
Izzy tried to summon a light tone. “In a general way or in a, you know, longing sort of way?”
“Oh, I don’t know.” Jane sighed and leaned back against the headrest. Because they were side by side, Izzy couldn’t see her eyes. “Would you want to have a baby?”
“Personally? No. I can’t even imagine carrying a baby. Plus, despite what you and Haley say, I don’t think I’d be a good mother.”
Without seeing Jane, Izzy thought she could feel what felt like disappointment exuding from her. But Jane didn’t say anything more about it, and Izzy was relieved to let it drop.
* * *
The CrossFit instructor called out instructions to the group of sweaty people doing burpees over in the grassy area behind the West building. The group dropped and did a pushup and stood again before they dropped again, over and over. Izzy’s back ached just watching them.
Audie watched them intently. “I’d let her yell at me all day if she wanted to. I’m a giver like that.”
Izzy sipped her coffee. “Are you ever going to ask her out, or are you planning to just stare at her for the rest of your life?”
Audie grinned. “I want to keep her hoping for a while longer.”
“You’re afraid of her.” Izzy shoulder-bumped her.
Audie looked at Izzy with wide eyes. “Terrified.”
“You might be passing up a pretty good thing if you don’t give it a shot.”
“True.”
“Maybe tomorrow, then?”
Audie shifted her gaze back to the group working out in the golden sunshine. “Maybe.”
They both watched for a few minutes.
“You’re never gonna do it.”
Audie sighed. “Never seems so permanent.”
The instructor had the group swit
ch to touch-and-goes. Izzy sipped her coffee. It was still too hot, and it burned her tongue. “I think Jane wants to have a baby.” She pressed her tongue to the back of her teeth. Yep, definitely scalded.
Audie swung around to face Izzy. “Seriously?”
Izzy grimaced. “Yeah, seriously.”
“What about you?”
“You know how terrified you are of Captain Pain over there?” Izzy nodded toward the instructor.
“Yeah.”
“Times that by infinity.”
“What’s so scary about it?” Audie asked. “Besides the small detail of you being almost fifty?”
Izzy glared at her. “Thanks for reminding me. I have three years to go, thank you!”
Audie held her hands up. “Hey, I’m not calling you old. I have you by a year, remember? But you are pretty much at the top side of the childbearing years. Not my rules. I’m just saying.”
“Jane’s younger. Lots of women have babies in their early forties.”
“Gotcha. So, what are you terrified of if she’s the one who would carry it?”
Izzy stared at Audie with her mouth hanging open. “Just screwing up a human, for one. What if I don’t know how to do it right?”
Audie waved her hand as if shooing the question away. “You’d be a better parent than the majority of the human race. It’s not like you haven’t been around a ton of kids. Your family alone is the size of a small town.”
“It’s different when you’re the sole person responsible for the successful development of another person.” Just discussing it made Izzy panic.
Audie poked a finger into Izzy’s chest. “Don’t forget that Jane would have a hand in this endeavor, too.”
“Jane would be an excellent mother.”
“I agree.” Audie’s brow furrowed. “Are you afraid of the whole bipolar thing? Does it play a role in this hesitancy to be a mom?”
Izzy thought about it. “It used to. But not so much anymore. When Jane moved out, I found out I was lot stronger than I thought.”
“So, what’s holding you back?”
Izzy pushed her hands through her hair. “I don’t know. I just never thought I was the parent type.”
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