by Kol Anderson
William said nothing.
“You know I had to come all the way from Bangkok? I couldn’t find tickets for Sofia last minute so she had to stay back without me.”
“I’m sorry,” William said.
“This is blackmail,” Alexander said. “This is fucking emotional blackmail and you know it! Now you’re competing with her, tomorrow you’ll compete with our baby, how far is this going to go? This whole ‘cry for attention’ thing, it's ridiculous!”
“It wasn’t… ” William tried to speak but his throat was still hoarse.
“If you wanted to die you’d be dead,” Alexander said. “I mean come on, how hard could it be to kill yourself?”
William waited.
But the sky didn’t fall and the earth was still pretty much where it had always been. But how was it possible that nothing changed?
He started to get sleepy and he closed his eyes.
*
His sleep was fitful and he couldn’t get rid of the hurt. It seemed even in his sleep his body refused to accept relief. He needed escape, needed to get away from the mind-numbing aching, needed to save himself but there was no one who could help him. As it was, his mutilated corpse of a body was barely able to carry his own weight, he couldn’t take the additional weight of the sadness. It was going to kill him and Alex was supposed to save him, but he wasn’t there anymore, he wanted out.
William was going to allow him that freedom.
I don't know why I love you but I do
I don't know why I cry so but I do
I only know I'm lonely and that I want you only
I don't know why I love you but I do
I can't sleep nights because I feel so restless
I don't know what to do, I feel so helpless
And since you've been away, I cry both night and day
I don't know why I love you but I do
My days have been so lonely
My nights have been so blue
I don't know how I manage, but I do
Each night I sit alone and tell myself
That I will fall in love with someone else
I guess I'm wastin' time but I've got to clear my mind
I don't know why I love you but I do
Clarence 'Frogman' Henry “(I Don't Know Why I Love You) But I Do”
CHAPTER FIVE
William was doing everything in his power not to look at Alexander sitting across from him at the brunch table.
“Did William tell you he’s joining our Malaysian office?”
William could feel Alexander’s eyes on him but he didn’t dare look up.
“Really?” Alexander said. “Malaysia? I thought he didn’t like that place.”
William felt his mother’s hand come to rest on his and he smiled back at her. “He’s broadening his horizons,” she said. “And we have lots of people there who can take care of him. The change might be good, right?”
“And the doctors think that’s a good idea?” Alexander said.
Suddenly, William couldn’t take it anymore.
He tossed his napkin on the table and stood up. “I need some air.”
*
While the whole family was busy enjoying brunch, William took off for the backyard to light up a smoke. He had barely taken a few puffs when he saw Alexander approach. “Are you going to avoid me forever?” Alex said.
“That’s the plan.”
“William, I’m sorry okay? About what I said. You know I didn’t mean it.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
Alex came over and tried to touch him and William backed away. “Stop it.”
“You don’t mean that.”
“Alex, I mean it! Stop it, alright?”
“What, are you playing hard to get now?”
“I’m not playing.”
“I’m a dick, okay? I’m a major jackass and I want you to forgive me, William.”
“I’ve told you a million times already, I don’t give a shit.”
“Are you really leaving?”
“Booked a flight for tomorrow.”
“You can’t.”
“Why not?”
“What’re you trying to prove?”
“That’s just it Alex, I’m not the one trying to prove anything! I wasn’t trying to prove anything when I tried to kill myself, I just needed to die! And right now, I need to leave! But no, because the world revolves around Alexander Davenport, we’re all just trying to prove something to you, aren’t we?”
“How many times do you want me to apologize for that?”
“Fuck, Alex. You don’t get it. When kids my age were telling me stories about how they fucked some girl, I was fucking my brother. And even then I knew it was jacked up, I knew it wasn’t something you told people, fuck I can’t even remember how old I was when I lost my virginity thanks to you! But I didn’t care about any of that. I started making enemies out of people because I couldn’t fit in and I never cared. Not once! I never stopped to think that maybe I should find someone else, because fuck, I loved you. Okay? All I wanted was for you to love me back, how is that so difficult for you to understand? You went ahead and got engaged. I said nothing. You got married and I said nothing. I stood by… I fucking stood by and watched you make all those memories with her! Fuck… Alex… I was dying inside. How could you not see that? How could you stop taking my calls? How could you? When you were the one who told me nothing had changed, when you fucked me on your wedding day and told me you loved me Alex! You used me just like you use everyone else. You use people to build your fantasy. A wife like Sofia, a fuck-toy of a brother who answers to your every whim and who basically just sits around and waits for you to show him any tiny kind gesture, just one look. I have to wait weeks for you to find time to fuck me, and when you want it, all you have to do is send me a text because you know I’ll come running. You let people have relationships with you but you don’t let them get close. You’ve always done that and I’ve known it and I never said anything because I thought I was different. Turns out I was fooling myself. Just like the rest of them.” William paused. “Anyway, it doesn’t matter anymore because I’m done with this; I’m done with you Alex. But my advice? Before you bring a child into this mess, think long and hard about whether you’re going to be true to him or you’re just going to give him the same phony relationship that you’ve given his mother. You can fake being a husband and fake orgasms with your wife but can you fake being a father? Is that really how you want to live your life?”
William tossed the cigarette, stifled it with his shoe, and started walking back to the house.
“William, stop.”
For once William wasn’t going to listen to him.
“Go back to your pregnant wife, Alex.”
You can dance, go and carry on
Till the night is gone
And it's time to go
If he asks if you're all alone
Can he walk you home,
You must tell him no
'Cause don't forget who's taking you home
And in whose arms you're gonna be
Save the last dance for me
Oh I know that the music's fine
Like sparklin' wine, go and have your fun
Laugh and sing, but while we're apart
Don't give your heart to anyone
And don't forget who's takin' you home
And in whose arms you're gonna be
So darling,
Save the last dance for me
The Drifters “Save The Last Dance”
CHAPTER SIX
William was in his room in just his shorts, he had just finished packing and was reading a repair manual, when Alexander came in without knocking. William watched him lock the door, but said nothing. Alex didn’t have control over him anymore. He could lock all the doors he wanted, he was mistaken if he thought it was going to lead anywhere. William stayed on the bed and when Alex came toward him, he launched directly into kissing William, and
William backed off. “Alex!” But Alex tried to kiss him again and this time William relented, kissing him back just a little. Alex took the manual from William’s hand and placed it on the nightstand. He tried to kiss William again and this time William resisted it, and Alex’s hand went straight for William’s crotch. “Alex! Stop, please.”
“It’s okay,” Alexander said his hand still on William’s cock, and he kissed William’s neck until William was holding back tears, and until he started feeling his resolve breaking. Alex raised his head and kissed William again, and didn’t stop until William was kissing him back with the same passion. Then Alex pulled on William’s legs, made him lie down on the bed. Alex turned him over and lay on top of him, his weight pressing William into the bed. William felt Alex lowering his shorts, his erection hard and waiting against his ass and the tears broke free. “Alex, please. Stop.”
Alex placed one hand over William’s, intertwining his fingers with William’s and squeezed it while with the other hand he guided his cock into William, and when William groaned, Alex kissed his back, and kept his fingers twisted with William’s and William felt sickened with himself, knowing how much he needed Alex still…
*
William was sitting outside the house with a bottle of whiskey when Alexander came to sit right next to him. William started lighting up a cigarette and Alexander snatched it from between his lips, tossed it away. “You don’t think I can light another one?” William asked.
“If you do I’ll kick your ass.”
“Why are you here, Alex?”
“You scared me.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Why did you do it?”
“I was being stupid.”
“You tried to kill yourself because I wouldn’t take your calls! Stupid would be an understatement!”
“At the time it made sense.”
“What about now?”
William started to cry. “I don’t know what to do,” he allowed the truth to come out. “It hurts so much, and I don’t know what to do!”
“It’s my fault. I should never have initiated this thing with you. What the fuck was I thinking?”
“You were a kid.”
“Yeah but I could have stopped when I grew older.”
“You think that would have hurt any less? You didn’t molest me Alex, I wanted to do it.”
“This is fucked up.”
William stared at Alexander. “Do you love me?”
“What kind of a question is that, of course I love you! A lot more than I should, that’s kind of the whole problem, William.”
“So what’s the issue here?”
“The issue?” Alexander said. “The issue is that we’re fucking brothers, William. It’s a sin, fuck; it’s all kinds of wrong!”
“That’s never bothered you before.”
“I guess I’m just conflicted.”
William stood up. “Who gives a shit if it’s a sin or if it's wrong?” he said. “I don’t care about heaven or hell. I care about you. And as long as you’re in my life, it will be my heaven. You’re all I’ve ever known, Alex. The only guy I’ve ever loved. Don’t take that away from me.”
“And what do you propose we do?”
“Leave everything behind,” William said. “Go someplace where no one knows us, like Cabo or fucking Ibiza, I don’t care! We’ll just be two gay guys to them. It’ll be perfect, Alex. I’ll do anything. I will love you, I promise. Forever. I will never give you anything to complain about. We’ll listen to oldies and lie in bed all day, we’ll be happy. Please Alex!” William started crying again and Alexander stood up and held him. When he settled down a bit, Alexander let him go. He stared at William and his hand came to lie on the side of William’s face, thumb going over the cheekbone and fingers resting on the cheek. William closed his eyes, wanting badly to be kissed but he knew Alex would never try anything like that here no matter how much either of them might want it. William opened his eyes when he felt Alexander’s hand moving away. He watched Alexander, his back to William and walking away. Alexander stopped a few steps ahead and turned to him. “Are you coming or what?”
“I’m fine right here,” William said, and lifted the bottle to his lips.
“Stop that.”
When William didn’t stop, Alexander walked up to him and took hold of the bottle, tossed it aside, and the glass made a shattering noise when it hit the ground. “I’m in.”
William couldn’t believe his ears. “You don’t mean that.”
“Let’s do it. Let’s just go, forget about all this.”
“I could kiss you right now.”
“Not here. For now just come inside,” Alexander put his arm around William's shoulders and they walked back to the house.
“What about Sofia?” William asked the practical question.
“I guess I’ll talk to Sofia tomorrow,” Alexander said. “See if she’ll divorce me without leaving me totally broke. I need money to have a sordid affair with my extremely high-maintenance brother.”
“And the baby?”
“I’ll take care of the baby. I’ll do what I can. But if I’m not a model father then at least the baby will have one stable parent.”
“You didn’t want the kid, did you?”
“I always use protection, I don’t know how it happened.”
William wrapped his fingers around Alex’s hand. “It’s okay,” he said. “We’ll figure this out.”
“Just to be perfectly clear, the next time I tell you to do something, and you don’t do it I’m going to spank your ass so hard you’ll be crying for weeks.”
AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
THEY REALLY DID.