It was protective, like Adam.
At that moment, all I saw in my mind’s eye was my glorious fiancee.
As if my brain was breaking free from the shackles of fear, I let out a primal scream and threw all of my weight out from under Fenwick.
Even though Fenwick was three times my size, my shift caught him by surprise, and suddenly I was on top.
“Ooh, you’re a Bossy Bottom,” Fenwick said, the flicker of an evil smile crossing his face.
“No bitch, I’m a Power Bottom!” I roared.
I wrapped my long fingers around his throat and squeezed as hard as I could. Adrenaline flowed through me, filling me with something I hadn’t felt in a long time: Pure, unfiltered rage.
Flowing through my fingers was all of the pain that I held inside from what Kirk did to me. All of the fear that held me down. They were twitching with the resentment that lingered for my father leaving my mother, filled with my inadequacies that were cultivated by my family.
All of the hurt and anger and hatred was under my control. The anxiety monster and my own mind were one, and every neuron of self-control I had was focused on squeezing tighter.
Fenwick’s eyes were bloodshot and bulging, his fingers plucking at mine uselessly.
“Luke! Stop!” commanded a familiar voice from the door.
I released my vice grip and Fenwick began to cough.
My eyelids fluttered, and I felt like I’d just snapped out of a trance.
I was barely conscious of a pair of strong arms wrapped around me, pulling me off the man on the bed.
Then I was crying, sobbing more than I ever had, safe against Adam’s uniform.
Adam
I wanted nothing more than to finish what Luke started and snap off that sick fuck’s neck, but I couldn’t because I was surrounded by my coworkers.
Unfortunately, murder in the name of love was frowned upon.
“Solid,” I whispered to Luke. “Solid. Solid. Solid.”
I repeated that word like a lullaby as he trembled in my arms.
Officers and S.W.A.T. Team members rushed into the room, the forces of good vastly filling to outnumber the evil man on the bed.
Claire was the one who cuffed him and read his Miranda rights. Her voice was like a steady cadence in the distance somewhere.
“You’re safe,” I said to Luke, kissing him on the head. “Are you hurt? Did he hurt you?” It took everything in me not to lunge at Fenwick as Claire swiftly led him out of the room.
“I… I think I’m okay,” he uttered, wiping his eyes.
“Here,” I said, pulling out a clean handkerchief from my pocket and using it to dab his eyes.
“I’m so sorry I took so long, Luke,” I said. Tears were threatening to pour down my face, filling my sinus cavities. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about him.”
But I couldn’t let them loose yet. Not with all of my coworkers around.
Luke was silent, letting me cradle him.
We stood like that for a while; just us pressed together against this crazy, violent city. After a time, Claire returned. She touched Luke and me gently on the shoulders.
“You’ve got some time before forensics get here, about ten minutes. I brought you a blanket, some donuts, and coffee. I’m going to give you two some privacy.”
“Thank you, Claire,” I said, gratitude dripping from my words.
She nodded and then closed the door behind her, giving me and Luke space just to be.
I was furious with myself. Those few hours Luke was missing were the worst of my life. As soon as he was gone, I knew it was because of my neglect; my stubbornness of keeping him in the dark. It was because I didn’t trust him to carry the weight of the load.
I didn’t think he could handle it. And because of my neglect, he was taken by surprise.
After a while, Luke’s tears dried out and evolved into hiccups.
“How… how did you find me?” he croaked.
I kissed him on the head and began to explain, going over the last few hours of panic in painful detail. I gave him an overview of everything Claire and I had witnessed — the guy tied to the bed with the Russian skinheads, how it was linked to a murderer, that metal stud I found on the factory floor, the feeling of knowing it was Fenwick when I first saw him.
“Luckily, Claire was able to get a room number from a large, suspiciously-shaped package that day we inspected the trucks. She’d written down a few. Because of your disappearance and my suspicions, we were able to expedite a warrant. Me, Claire, and the rest of our team tore apart unit after unit, leaving no stone unturned. It wasn’t until the second-to-last unit on her list that we found Fenwick’s condo. And even then, it took hours of investigation to find clues that pointed us to this place.”
“I’m so happy you came,” Luke said. “I thought he was going to… never mind.”
“I’m here for you, Luke. Whatever you want to talk about, I’m here.”
He was quiet for a few moments. Aside from a few sniffles, the room was silent.
His stomach growled. “Can I have a donut?”
For some reason, that question released the tears I’d been holding back.
I started bawling like a baby.
Once forensics came through, we made our exit.
We held hands as we left the room and didn’t let go all the way down the elevator. Then we got into a squad car, and I took Luke to the station so he could give his statement.
“Just this one last thing, babe, and then we can go home,” I promised. “I’ll get you anything you want for dinner.”
Luke was leaning his head against the cool window, his eyes staring into space.
When I could sneak peeks at him, I watched the orange bars from the street lamps swim in warped patterns across his face.
“I want an ice cream sundae,” he said, his voice low and gravelly.
“Done,” I said, desperate to get my man anything he desired.
“And a massage,” he said.
“I can do that, too,” I reasoned.
There was a pause, and I scanned his face for the hint of a smile. That’s all I wanted; that small forecast that everything would be okay between us.
“…and I want you to tell me everything.”
“I already told you everything about the case,” I said.
“Not about the case… about how you feel. About what you think. Adam, these past few weeks, I’ve felt like I’ve barely known who you are.”
All of the wind went out of my lungs as I felt shame take hold. I stopped the car on the side of the deserted road and put it in park.
I could only see half of Luke’s face in the light fro the street lamp, one of his blue eyes shining like a jewel.
“Luke… you know I’m prideful, and I want to take a moment to set that all aside. Nothing else matters to me except you. My life would be empty without you.”
Luke was completely quiet in the passenger side, waiting for me to continue.
“I made a mistake.”
I was beginning to choke up. I didn’t know how much longer I could keep talking without crying; without letting all of that pent up fear and loneliness and helplessness bubble to the surface.
If I cried in front of Luke again, he might think less of me. Hell, I probably already shattered my entire Dom persona from crying in front of him once.
“I made a mistake,” I repeated, the hot tears leaking out of the corners of my eyes. “And it almost cost me everything. It almost cost me you.”
I reached out and cupped my large hand on the side of his face, my silver engagement ring gleaming in the light like his eye.
He looked down at it, then raised his hand and placed it on top of mine.
His eyes were shining with tears, too.
“I’m so sorry,” I said, my voice cracking. “I’m so sorry that I kept you in the dark. I thought it meant I was protecting you, but it made us more vulnerable.”
“It felt like you didn’t trust me
,” he said, his lip trembling.
He was right. I hadn’t. I hadn’t trusted him to handle his emotions, all because of the times he’d had those outbursts.
“I thought if I told you about this, you’d be living your life in even more anxiety than normal,” I said softly.
“I know, I know,” he said, kissing my hand. “I can see it from your point of view. But I need you to tell me things, Adam. I need you to tell me about your day. I need to know what you like, what you don’t like. The little things that happen, your adventures with Claire. I want to know if you’re bored in traffic duty. Or even if you do something as exciting as storming that house with the Russian dudes in it. Those are all parts of you that help me feel closer to you.”
Tears were pouring silently down my face. I had just realized how close I was to losing Luke; not only to Fenwick but our relationship as a whole.
“I’m so sorry, Luke. If you accept my apology, I’ll quit my job.”
“No, Adam,” he said, shaking his head. “I’m not asking you to quit. All I’m asking you to do is tell me about your day.”
“It’s not that simple,” I maintained. Even though my heart was compelling me to bow down to Luke's demands to make everything right, I wanted to set realistic expectations.
It was essential to stick to my promises.
“If it’s not that simple, then explain why it isn’t,” Luke said. “Take your time; all I want to do right now is understand.”
I bit my lip, thinking. Then it came to me.
“Remember when you went on that Law & Order S.V.U. marathon for a few weeks when we first moved out here?”
Luke nodded.
“Remember how it always put you in a bad mood afterward, even though you were addicted to the plot?”
He nodded again. “I was a mess. I didn’t realize how much that, combined with being in a new place, was getting to me.”
“Right. So, that’s what it’s like being a cop. You get the highest spikes of adrenaline, and all you can think about is what’s going to happen next. Then the low hits. Once the day is done, you don’t want anything to do with it.”
Luke tilted his head, shifting the pattern of light on his face. “Huh. I never thought of it like that… but that totally makes sense.”
“I know that doesn’t solve the problem, but I hope it helps explain it,” I offered. “My choice not to tell you things about my day is selfish, but it’s something that I need. I need to keep my work out of our relationship.”
Luke was quiet and still.
I waited for a few painstaking heartbeats, then he finally said softly, “You’ve never told me you needed anything before.”
At first I thought he was losing respect for me, but then I realized that his voice was filled with wonder.
“I… I get it. We’ll make this work,” he said.
I brightened and felt a hundred-ton weight lift from my shoulders. All this time, I was trying to be everything for Luke: his protector, his provider, and at times I used to feel like his therapist. But now, with that responsibility given to someone else, I had the space to just be.
He took my hand off his cheek and kissed it softly, then smiled at me. “I love you, Adam.”
For the first time in my life, I felt wholly and completely accepted for who I was, emotions, vulnerabilities, and all.
After I took Luke to give his statement at the station, we were finally done for the night. The station had his phone in custody, and Luke’s face lit up when he got it back.
“I thought I’d lost this thing forever! I thought I was going to—”
He stopped short, eyeing me nervously.
“Well, I didn’t think I was ever going to find my phone again,” he amended.
I hated to think about what might have happened if we didn’t get there in time.
When we got home, I made sure he was comfortable on the couch with his favorite blanket. Then I retrieved his phone charger from his bedroom and plugged in the extra-long cable so he could phone loaf in comfort.
“Thank you, babe!” He said, looking up at me with those pleading eyes of his.
“Of course,” I said, leaning across the armrest and planting a kiss on his forehead. “I love taking care of you. I love making sure all of your needs are met.”
Then I remembered the ice cream sundae.
I went to the top of the stairs and plucked my coat off the rack.
“Where are you going?” Luke asked.
“Going to get ice cream,” I answered.
“No, I changed my mind. I want you here with me,” he said, giving me the most pitiful look. “You being here means more than anything you can give me.”
I tilted my head and grinned at him, feeling appreciation wind its way through me.
Taking off my coat and hanging it back on the rack, I crossed the room and sat down next to him, wrapping him in my arms.
“Much better,” Luke mumbled, settling into the crook of my arm with a gentle sigh.
My stomach growled beneath him.
“Looks like you’re hungry,” Luke said, looking up at me innocently.
God, when he looked at me like that, I thought my insides might just come undone.
“I’ll get some Thai food delivered.”
“That sounds… so amazing…” Luke said softly.
After I texted the order, I looked down to find that Luke was asleep. He must have been so exhausted from his emotional day — I couldn’t imagine what it must’ve been like to be alone and scared for so long.
Especially given his history with Kirk…
I shook my head, shelving those feelings of revenge for now.
With Luke’s head in the crook of my arm and his blanketed body draped across my lap, I was the happiest man in the world.
This was enough.
The next day, Luke wanted to go over to Parsons to check on what happened with his collection.
He slept in until eleven — poor guy must’ve been exhausted — and then was texting me to walk him over to his school.
I was in the middle of doing more boring paperwork at the precinct when I got his summoning text.
“Coming,” I typed back. “I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”
I paused, then added, “In the middle of paperwork rn. Thank you for saving me from it.”
That should tell him enough detail about my day; help him picture what I was doing.
“Officer Brady,” Sarge said from the mouth of his office, “A word.”
My heart lurched into my throat as the feeling of dread coursed through me. Was I getting fired? Did I stay on that last crime scene too long?
His black mustache bristled as he sat down. Then with a commanding motion, he gestured for me to close the door and sit.
“Did I… do something wrong, sir?” I asked carefully.
A part of me was terrified of getting fired, but there was another part of me that was hoping it would happen. It would make everything with Luke easier.
I’d find another job. I’d work to uncover something else I was passionate about, even if I had to—
“You did incredible police work on the serial killer case, Brady,” he said without a change in his expression.
“Thank you,” I said, not sure where this was going.
“You found a key detail we missed at that factory. That stud’s got a smeared partial fingerprint, but it matches the suspect’s. Without it, our jobs would be harder.”
I nodded in agreement.
“You continued to gather evidence that fell into place at the same time the case was coming together. Not only did you do reactive police work, you did proactive as well.”
There was a silence that hung between us; then Sarge cocked his eyebrow at me.
I felt like there was something I was missing.
Then he finally came out and said it: “Have you ever thought about detective work, son?”
It was like all of the neurons in my head lit up like a Christm
as tree. “Yes! —Yes, sir, I’ve thought about it,” I said quickly, trying to conceal my excitement.
“You would make an outstanding detective. Are you interested in joining our program?”
“I’ll have to talk to my partner first,” I said, thinking of Luke. Discussing this next step in my career with him sounded spectacular.
Sarge gave me a curt nod and said, “Very well, then.”
He went on to talk about all the steps I would need to take to become a detective, but it sounded like everything was achievable.
My mind was going a mile a minute as I practically salivated at the thought of getting to tell Luke all of this.
“You what?!” Luke cried when I told him on the way to Parsons.
I smiled and nodded vigorously.
“Adam, that’s amazing!” he said, threading his long, thin arms around me.
I wrapped my arms around him and swung him in a circle.
He giggled when I set him down, smiling from ear to ear.
“Gay!” Someone shouted from a window somewhere.
“Oh fuck you!” Luke cried, flipping the bird in his direction.
I cracked up at his sudden rage, filling the street with my laughter.
Luke started laughing too, then interlaced his fingers with mine. He looked up at me with a wistful expression and pulled me in for a kiss.
I felt like I’d been given a second chance. Just yesterday, all of this… this life with Luke felt like something of the past. I was wishing for what was happening now: The little things like walking Luke to class and kissing him on the street.
It was like a dream that I would wake up from at any moment.
When Luke pulled away, he had a small smile on his face, like he was so happy inside that it bubbled up into his expression. “So, when you’re a detective, will that make your job less… stressful?”
I squeezed his hand. “Maybe, I guess It depends on the types of cases I get.”
“Could it be more stressful?” Luke asked with curiosity.
“Probably not.”
“Wonderful!”
We walked in a blissful silence for a block. My mind was already spinning up scenarios of being a detective: Getting to solve cases, finding clues, piecing together evidence…
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