In the past whenever I’d walk in front of him with my sexy nightie and flaunt my stuff, he’d get aroused, grab me, and pull me onto his lap. As I listened closer, I heard heavy breathing and wondered if the movie had turned James on.. I slinked around the corner, and not wanting to miss a chance to feel my husband inside me, I thought I’d try that strategy again.
I stood right in front of him in an alluring pose.
“Hope, what the…!”
James actually cursed at me!
Then I realized what he’d been doing, which hurt and confused me even more. But the evidence of his excitement was still apparent, so I didn’t waste any time and sat right on my husband’s lap. I tried to work him in, only to have things deflate on me.
Before I realized how enraged he was, James had pushed me off him. My head smacked the coffee table on the way down. I rubbed my head and sucked in my tears. James towered over me, his pants undone and his face beet red. “Don’t you ever sneak up on me like that again, woman! You hear me? Never!”
“But James, I just wanted to make you happy.” I couldn’t help but sob when he yelled in my face like that. I felt like a child being corrected and I wasn’t sure what I’d done wrong. Even worse, his obvious ability to respond to the movie disturbed me, because as soon as I got near him and touched him, everything fizzled out.
It has to be me, I thought as a new round of grief welled up within me. I sobbed into the carpet, prostrate. I just knew I disgusted him. He didn’t even know what I’d done and yet, he still despised me.
Or maybe he had found someone else.
Maybe he was cheating on me!
The thought horrified me, until I realized how hypocritical that would be. Sucking in my tears, I stood and tried my best to look brave. I could handle this. I would.
Besides, I doubt he had someone else. He always came home right after work. No detours, no mysterious errands or absences. But I still considered asking him, until I saw him shaking—no, trembling—as I peered from the corner of my eye.
“You want to…to make…me happy? Then…leave me alone, Hope. Just leave me alone.” James winced, then rubbed his face as he stormed from the room. He locked himself in the bathroom for a good half hour. While I waited, I wondered if I really was being selfish to want to be physically and emotionally connected to my husband. How could that be wrong?
When I realized that he wouldn’t talk to me, and pushing him would only make things worse, I resolved to go back to bed.
I flopped on the mattress and stared at the bedroom door, wondering what was happening between us. My gaze strayed toward the gun cabinet, and for the first time in years, I considered ending it all…until I thought about Jimmy. I couldn’t abandon him.
That would be the worst betrayal of all.
I resolved to survive my marriage crisis, but decided to stop trying so hard. My husband had made his feelings clear, and there was no changing his mind…not without a miracle.
But why would God want to help me?
Yet, I was the woman at the well, the adulteress the Pharisees had cast onto the ground. I was the unfaithful wife in the book of Hosea. Though Jesus had shown compassion to wayward women in the Bible, my husband had every reason to despise me, for I despised myself. And for that reason alone, I couldn’t call on God. Not now.
*****
The next morning when I rose to get Jimmy ready for school, I saw that James had already left for work. Probably to avoid me. But who could blame him?
As I made my son an omelet, I thought about the past few days. Part of me wanted to talk to someone—like our pastor—about our marriage problems, and part of me wanted to just bury all the hurt and get what I needed from Tony while I still could.
Once Jimmy got on the bus, I returned to my desk and opened my e-mail. After trashing the junk mail and spam, I noticed a note from Tony.
Don’t call me today. Something is wrong. I tell you later. I call you.
That message really got me thinking. Asking myself a million questions. Did his wife know? What was wrong? Why can’t I call? You name it, I worried about it.
All morning I waited around, staring at my phone, hoping he’d call. It wasn’t until later that night after Jimmy went to bed that the phone finally rang. I’d had a special ring tone on my cell phone just for Tony. But that wasn’t the sound it made.
I still answered.
“Hello?”
“Lovely Hope. It is me, Tony.”
I could hear the purr in his voice, but had to cut to the chase. I had to know what that e-mail meant. Before I could ask what was wrong, my husband came into the bedroom and started getting ready for bed. My face must’ve turned beet red because James looked at me and asked, “Who you talking to? That boyfriend of yours?”
I panicked. Did he know? Was he kidding? I didn’t want to lie, but man, that was putting me on the spot. So I said it was the guy helping me with my book. That was true.
James shot me a concerned look. “Why’d it take you so long to answer me?”
“I…I’m just not used to you asking me those kinds of questions. What did you expect me to say?” I rubbed my forehead and said to Tony, “Hold on a sec.”
James stepped over to me and kissed my forehead. He held me close for a second and gave me an affectionate squeeze. “I love you, Babe. I’m sorry about my attitude lately.”
Aw, crud. Why did he have to be sweet now?
“Is this bad time for you?” Tony sounded nervous. “I call later.”
“No!” I shouted and raised my hand like a child in class, blocking my husband so he couldn’t connect his lips to my neck. “I mean, no. Hold on a sec.” Placing my hand over the phone, I said, “Excuse me, James.” Then I walked to the other side of the house and whispered. “Sorry. My husband is actually being nice today.”
“He knows you have boyfriend?” Tony’s voice held a tinge of fear.
I laughed. I couldn’t help it. “No, he’s just got a weird sense of humor.”
“I think that is very true. Do you think he knows?”
“No. He just likes to hassle me. I’ve never even flirted with another guy in our entire 13 years of marriage. He would never suspect me. I don’t do things like this.” My throat tightened at the end of my sentence. “Until now, anyway.”
“I’m sorry. Is hard for me, too. I send you e-mail today. You see it?”
I sat on the bed in our guest room and glanced at the family photo of me, James, and Jimmy when he was in the first grade. Those were the days. So where had my happy family gone?
“You still there?” He sounded worried. The stress had to be getting to him, too.
“Yes, I’m here. I got the e-mail. What was that all about?” I darted my gaze away from the family photo or I’d start crying. My situation was so different now. I wanted my old husband back. The one who adored me. But it wasn’t to be.
“My wife. She get online when at her mom’s home and she look at cell phone bill. She see phone numbers she not recognize. She think maybe something wrong because number on my phone are calls more than one time each day. And calls are short. She is very smart.” Did I detect a hint of pride in his voice? Should I care?
For once I was thankful that I had an electronic voice on my cell phone and not my own. Good thing I hadn’t upgraded my service. “Is she suspicious?”
“I think her mother ask her questions and make her think. My wife, her mother hates men, had many marriages and all divorced. My wife not ever want divorce. She not want to be unhappy like her mother.”
“What should we do?” I held my breath, wondering what he’d say.
“I must still see you. But now I call you from work or from home so phone number not shows up on my bill. Will this work for you?”
I noticed the more nervous Tony seemed to get, the more grammatical errors he made. Knowing I should just break it off didn’t make it any easier to do. Maybe I’d see him just one more time. What could it hurt?
Not sure
I liked waiting for his call, I decided I really had no other choice if I wanted to see him again. It was hold my breath and wait, or no more Tony…period. I decided on the first. Because I wanted Tony again, even if I only saw him one more time. “I think so. When can I see you again? Where can we meet?”
“That is good news. My wife, she stay a few more days at her mom’s house. She say baby is not feeling well so she not want to drive back until baby’s ear infection clears. She say three more days and then she come home.”
“What about her job?” I could’ve sworn he said she worked.
“My wife make her own schedule. She have much vacation and sick time so if she need time off she get it.”
“Oh, so tomorrow then?” I stood and peered out the door to make sure my husband hadn’t heard me. I saw him flick out the light in our bedroom.
Good.
“Tomorrow is not good for me. I work double shift then I must pack some things. If I not have this done when my wife comes home, she will be angry.”
“Can’t you tell her you didn’t feel well or were busy or something?” Dang, did I just sound desperate or what?
“My wife get very crazy when she angry. I not want to make her mad. Is scary.”
“You’re scared of your wife?” That was the first time I’d heard a guy admit it.
“Is not scared for me, but she make threats. Say I never see my son again. I must not lose my son. He is very important to me. If not for my son, I would not be with my wife.”
“So you’re going to stay in an unhappy marriage just for your son?” Whoa. That was sheer martyrdom, in my not-so-humble opinion. But then again, I was in the same boat, wasn’t I?
“I must. I not want my son to grow up and hate me, for my wife will do this to me.”
“How awful.” I couldn’t imagine being in such a vulnerable position. “Maybe we should break it off now before she finds out. Then you won’t lose your son. I don’t want that to happen to you.”
“But I must see you. I make time. You come to house day after tomorrow, yes?”
I thought about my schedule. “I think I can figure out a reason to leave the house. What time are we talking?”
“Say maybe eleven o’clock? Is good for you?”
“I think I can do it. Sometimes my husband surprises me and pops in around lunch, but lately he hasn’t been coming home. It depends on where he’s working that day. He does construction work mostly. Some contract stuff.”
“Is he still not making love to you?” His voice grew husky.
Just hearing Tony say those words gave me a delicious thrill. My wretched body wanted him so much—wanted anyone really—that my brain just shut off and I decided it was worth the risk. As long as Tony was available, I’d be there. “No, he’s not.”
“I am so sorry for hearing that. I make much love to you when I see you. You will not be sad anymore. Okay, my sweet?”
Ick, that’s what he’d called his wife on the phone. For a moment I felt like I was being played, but rationalized that we were meeting each other’s needs. I was doing this willingly. I would pay for it, but while Tony was available I would find a way to see him.
“Sure, Tony. I’ll be there. I’ll just say I need to run an errand or something if my husband comes home.”
“See you then. I miss you so much, Bella Speranza. I think of you as I wait.”
“Me, too.” I snapped my cell phone shut and tiptoed into my room so I wouldn’t wake James.
I pulled on a pair of sweats and an old T-shirt and climbed in bed. To my amazement my husband put his arms around me and held me close. Then, he started rubbing me in places that meant something could happen. I was delighted, yet afraid. My reason for seeing Tony was because of James’s neglect. What if he came around and started loving me again? Would I still see Tony? I didn’t want to answer my own question because I knew the answer.
I was too weak.
Chapter 6
The next day I was so distracted with thoughts of Tony that I failed to hear my son come home from school until he stood behind me.
“Hey, Mom. What’s for snack?” Jimmy dropped his backpack on my bed and kissed my cheek.
I snapped out of my daydream long enough to really look at my child. I loved my son. He was such a great kid. My obsession with Tony was causing me to really slack off at home. And last night when James rubbed my sensitive areas, I actually nudged him away. Was I crazy? Maybe.
But I was still feeling a bit hurt from the previous night. James had apologized, but would he change? I hadn’t felt his excitement against me when he touched me so I figured things would end in an argument anyway. Better to not even “go there.”
Ironically, James hadn’t seemed to mind. Which, of course, proved my point.
“Hey, Sport, I thought we’d go get something. What do you say? Want to bring home a pizza?” I rubbed my son’s head knowing full well that he’d jump and scream, “Yes!” Which he did. Right in my ear.
Sticking my finger in my ear, I jiggled it inside and tossed an annoyed look at Jimmy. He knew my hearing was sensitive, the little stinker. But I love him so much. Tears filled my eyes when I considered what would happen if Jimmy found out about my affair. Swiping the moisture from my eyes before it spilled over, I sucked in a deep breath.
Jimmy paused and looked at me a bit closer. “Are you feeling sad again, Mom?”
“A little. Now go put your backpack away so we can get to the pizza place before dinner rush.” I swatted his behind with a little tap.
He laughed and ran off, backpack over his shoulder and a big grin on his face. What would happen to his delightful little world if I were exposed? Then again, I’m sure he already sensed things weren’t that great between me and his dad lately. Jimmy was a pretty observant kid. I wouldn’t put it past him to try to find a way to work things out between his dad and me.
While he got ready, I phoned in our order. Jimmy and I made it to the shop in record time and even had to wait a few minutes for our order. As we sat in the SUV, I noticed Tony’s truck pull up in the parking lot. My heart pounded so hard that I worried Jimmy would sense my guilt from the sound of it beating.
Tony shut the door, and peered over at me. He gave me a brief nod and walked into the pizza shop. As much as I wanted to see him alone, I knew any friendly action on my part could give us away, and I didn’t want to hurt him. I just wanted to get close.
So I got out of the car. Jimmy was busy playing his Gameboy and didn’t even look up when I stepped outside. I met Tony as he left the shop with about six pizzas balanced on his arms. Maybe I could talk to him about my book. Tell him I needed to go over a few things with him. Something that sounded legit. Instead my brain locked up.
“Hey,” I said with a tentative smile.
“Hi. Is pizza night for the guys. I talk to you later.” Then he piled the pizzas in his truck and pulled out of the parking lot. I noticed another man sitting in the seat beside him. Must be an employee. No wonder he played it cool with me. But still…
It hurt that we had a relationship only in secret. I didn’t like that one bit. Then I realized that maybe I had feelings for Tony and that made me pause. I’d read somewhere that a woman’s brain actually secretes a substance after intercourse. That hormone causes emotional feelings, a bond of sorts with the partner. That would explain why women fell in love because of sex, and yet to guys it was just…sex.
From the corner of my eye I noticed the guy at the counter wave. My pizzas were done. I opened the door and picked up my order. The scent of cheese, bread, Italian sauce, pepperoni and garlic made my mouth water.
My tummy protested, wanting me to eat some pizza now. But I’d wait until we got home. I hadn’t been eating much in the past few days and I was already noticing that my pants seemed looser. Not a bad problem to have. Unless I was so lovesick that I would wither and dry up without my fill of Tony.
That thought scared me. Especially since I was “the other woman.” It even soun
ded icky. Once again I wondered what I was thinking by hooking up with a man outside of marriage. I opened the door of my SUV and slipped the pizza onto Jimmy’s lap.
“Ooh, these are nice and warm, Mommy.” He took a deep whiff.
I loved it when he called me Mommy. “You have to wait until we get home.”
“Aw, man!” Jimmy licked his lips. Poor kid was probably as hungry as I was. Who was I to deny him when I didn’t deny myself anything? It was then that I realized how truly selfish my meeting with Tony was…to my family, my friends, my church.
I could not be my true self in this state of transgression. I had to close myself off or be discovered. No matter which way I looked at it, the affair was a lose-lose, but when I was in Tony’s arms, when he was making love to me, none of that mattered. Only him.
I glanced at Jimmy who was doing an admirable job of controlling himself. I couldn’t help but give in. “Okay, you can have one slice. But only one.”
My cell phone rang. Steering with one hand, I answered the phone with the other. “Hello, this is Hope.”
“I am sorry I not talk to you. You look so good, Hope. I tried very hard not to stare at you. I can’t let people see my longing. That’s why I not stop and talk to you. The guy with me, he know my wife. He would tell her. Is not a good situation.”
“Where is he now?” I glanced over at Jimmy who was contentedly munching, oblivious to the fact that I had my lover on the phone.
“He is with guys in kitchen. I left to call you but must make it very fast. I see you tomorrow. I am excited just thinking about you in my arms. In my bed again. I miss you.”
“Me, too.” I blinked back tears. “Bye.”
I had to hang up before I started sobbing. I already noticed Jimmy had finished his slice and was now watching me closely.
“Who was that, Mom?” His little eyebrows met as he questioned me.
I couldn’t lie to my child. “A man I know. We’re close friends”
“I wondered why you looked sad. I thought maybe that was Dad.”
Never Without Hope (Sacred Vows Book 1) Page 6