I sensed the distress in his voice and pondered how to respond.
Yeah, I understood his disappointment, all right. I had just started sensing the intense pleasure of the marital act when it ended. So I admit I was a bit bummed out, but I kissed my husband’s cheek and consoled him. “That’s all right, honey. It’s only because it’s been such a long time, you know? We just have to do this more often. Then things will go back to how they used to be.”
James peered at me with a curious expression. “You were crying?”
I’d almost forgotten. “Yeah, I was. I missed you, James. I miss us.”
He sighed. “I know, Babe. I know. It’s just…I’m not sure my body is working right. Sure, getting things off my chest about my ex helped, but I still sense that something isn’t right. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to follow through. It’s so frustrating.”
I hugged him tight. Believe me, I understood frustration, but I didn’t want to say that out loud because he might feel insulted, and that wouldn’t be my intent. So while I wanted to pledge my undying devotion, I knew it would be wrong to do so if I didn’t confess what I’d done with Tony first.
But I didn’t want to tell my husband about the affair after we’d just made love—short as the time had been. I’d at least wait until we were in a less intimate position. Meanwhile, my body still ached for release. I quietly eased his hand over so that he touched me in a sensitive area.
My subtle invitation wasn’t well received. He moved his hand back over to his side of the bed. Short of screaming, “Give me some satisfaction!” I didn’t know how else to communicate that while he’d finished, I wasn’t done yet.
But he ignored my request like he’d done so many times before. I wanted to weep out loud, but held in my pain. Somehow I had to find a way to cope with the disappointment. Short of plotting a rendezvous with Tony, who never let me down, I didn’t know what to do. And I’d feel weird providing release for myself with my husband mere inches from me. Didn’t he realize my needs were still there? Didn’t he care? I was afraid to ask.
Apparently he hadn’t thought about my needs at all, because within minutes James’s breathing deepened and I knew he would sleep well tonight. I couldn’t say the same for myself. My body still hummed and needed more.
With a depressed sigh, I forced myself to get up. I slipped out from under the covers and went to the bathroom. As I sat down I glanced through the door at my husband lying peacefully in our bed, not having a clue about my betrayal, or how much his physical neglect continued to hurt me. I rubbed my forehead with both hands and finally allowed the tears to escape.
They quickly became wracking sobs as I released all the pain inside. Once I’d poured out of some of the guilt through my tears, I washed my face, hiccupping the entire time. I held my breath, lit a match in water, and jumped up and down, but nothing stopped the hiccups and I wanted to scream. I couldn’t make them stop, or make my body stop crying for release. Just like I couldn’t make myself stop sinning.
Not in my current unrepentant state.
But I wouldn’t lie to God. He knew that even if I confessed my sin tonight, if Tony asked me to meet with him tomorrow, I’d go in a heartbeat. I knew Tony would satisfy my needs. I wouldn’t have to beg and plead for him to touch me. Tony wanted me. Better than that, he responded like a man who wanted me. And I needed to be wanted so much right now.
So I didn’t even try to confess and make things right. Not until I knew I could be halfway sincere, or at least mean what I said and be willing to at least try to stay away from Tony.
So as I hiccupped I plodded over to the guest room to check my e-mail. Nothing from Tony or any of my other friends. I did get a note from my agent. She said she was still negotiating with the publisher. Good thing I had another source of income.
I surfed the Internet and searched for information on impotency. I was fascinated with what I read, but rather than giving me hope it made me more depressed, because James refused to see a doctor. Then I glanced down and noticed the date and compared it to my paper desk calendar. My stomach did an uncomfortable flip and my hands started shaking when I saw the mark. I was supposed to get my period a few days ago.
I double checked. I triple checked. It never came.
And I was never late.
Terror struck my heart when I realized what that could mean.
But it made no sense. We’d always used protection.
I wasn’t that stupid. Then again, the failure rate for condoms did exist and said so right on the box. I remembered that from my honeymoon with James. Without spermicidal foam there was a greater risk of pregnancy. No kidding.
I didn’t sleep at all that night.
*****
The next few days passed in a blur. My nerves were on edge and I jumped at every little sound. When my friends approached me at church, I avoided them and I skipped Bible study. I told them my stomach hurt, which was true. Just thinking about having another man’s baby while married to my husband made my pulse race. I was terrified.
To make matters worse, I couldn’t even call Tony to tell him without risking being caught by his wife. The whole situation seemed more out of hand than ever. I’d even started dreaming about giving birth to Tony’s child. Saw us as a little family in my mind’s eye. That unrealistic fantasy still haunted me.
And I cringed when I considered the ramifications of having another man’s child.
When the following Saturday arrived, I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I decided to call Tony and risk his wrath. My husband had taken Jimmy out four wheeling, so Tony and I could at least talk in person for a few minutes – if he could get away.
Tony needed to know about my present situation, because if I was pregnant, the child was his. I thought it only fair that I told him to his face.
But oh, how my stomach ached.
I could swear I was getting an ulcer over this whole ordeal.
After swigging yet another round of Pepto Bismol straight from the chilled bottle, I dialed his cell phone, my finger shaking as I struggled to hit the right numbers.
I squeezed my eyes tight. My chest pounded so hard I felt like my heart was banging against my ribcage.
“Hope, why you call me now?” He whispered into the phone.
No, “Hi, Hope. How are you doing?” Just a harsh question.
Suddenly I regretted calling him at all. But I forced myself to speak. “I’m sorry. I have to talk to you in person.” I choked on my words, hoping he understood how much I needed to see him, but without sounding too pathetic.
He hesitated. “My phone, it ring when I bring out garbage. I cannot talk long.”
“This really isn’t something we can discuss over the phone or I’d do that. I need to talk to you in person. Please.”
I heard him sigh. He paused, then said, “I find a way for to meet you. I say I need something at store. Where must I go?”
“I’m home alone. Come to my house.” I gave him the directions.
“Are you sure your husband is not near home? I not want to get shot by angry man.” His voice wobbled a bit and I sincerely believed he was afraid.
“No, you’ll be fine. I just talked to my husband a few minutes ago. He and my son are a couple of hours away, at least.”
“Okay. I be quick. I try to be there in less than hour.” Tony hung up the phone.
I started pacing, wringing my hands. The works. Though I knew we needed to talk about the ramifications if I were pregnant, I had no idea where to begin. Sweat trickled down my forehead. As I washed and dried my face, and reapplied my makeup, I felt a familiar cramping sensation and checked the source.
Though a week late, for the first time in my life I was happy to get my period, slight as it was. I cried with relief. I danced around the house.
Then I sobered when I thought about what I’d tell Tony when he arrived. How would I explain why I wanted him to come over and meet me in person? The lingering sadness in my chest—the intense feeling of loss at the s
light issue of blood that minutes ago had me elated, made little sense. Except that by having Tony’s baby, I would’ve kept a part of him.
Because any day now I’d lose him forever. It was inevitable. Today might be the last time we meet. In fact, I believed it should be, but I didn’t think I could resist him if he wanted to see me again. My heart felt too connected at this point, and the idea of never seeing him again made me want to run into moving traffic, for that would be less painful, at least in my mind. Truth be told, somehow I’d fallen in love with Tony.
Someone tapped on the back door. My stomach knotted again.
I opened the door, and after one look at Tony’s worried face, all of my fear evaporated like a mist. He cared about me. Even though our illicit relationship would end soon, for now I knew he cared. I swallowed hard and tipped my head down.
Waving for him to come inside, I closed the door behind him.
“Hope, what is wrong?” Tony touched my chin so I had to look him in the eyes.
I tried to turn my face away, but he captured my cheeks between his palms and held my face. “Tell me, Hope. I am worried for you.”
His gorgeous face blurred as my eyes filled with tears again. “I…”
He waited expectantly as I choked on my words, croaking and groaning. Even I didn’t understand what I was saying.
“Come here.” He pulled me into his arms and held me close. I cried as I buried my face in his chest. When I felt like I’d finished releasing the tidal wave of turmoil coiling within, I nudged away from him and peered into his eyes.
“I’m sorry I cry so much these days. But I was scared, Tony. I thought I was…I was pregnant. But right after I called you I started my monthly so…” I bit my lower lip and chewed on it as I looked at him expectantly, my lids rapidly blinking moisture away.
His shoulders visibly sagged with relief. “Is good news.”
“Yeah, but even though we were careful, it could still happen.” Blinking back tears, I tried to smile, but struggled to keep a stiff upper lip.
Every muscle in my face fought gravity as I yearned for an ongoing connection to Tony, knowing full well it would never happen again. Not unless something major changed, and I didn’t see that on the horizon.
I beheld him with all of the affection I could muster, pouring love over him through my eyes as I longingly watched him process the implications.
Rubbing his hair, he blew out another deep sigh. “Is very good news.”
I nodded like a bobble head, my heart bleeding at his relief—and mine.
He pulled me closer, his eyes never leaving mine.
My lips longed to declare my true feelings for him, but I couldn’t get my throat to cooperate. Plus, I was pretty sure he didn’t love me. While he cared, I couldn’t vouch for anything beyond that. So I admitted again with a squeak, “I was just…so scared.”
“But is good things work out, Bella Speranza.” He kissed me lightly on the lips, holding my face as he peered deep into my eyes. “I am so glad you call me and now you okay.”
I almost laughed at his words. Was I okay? Hardly.
Nothing about my life right now was okay.
Not a single thing.
Chapter 11
Tony and I held each other for another fifteen minutes without speaking a word. My husband never held me like this, tight, warm, secure, lingering. I reveled in the sensation of Tony’s heartbeat pulsing against my skin—enjoying the rise and fall of his chest as I lay my head on his shoulder and inhaled his familiar, masculine scent. We felt so good together—chest to chest—that I never wanted to let go. But that wasn’t realistic.
He moved away first. “I must leave.”
The sadness in his eyes drew me nearer until our lips met. “Kiss me one last time,” I whispered as our mouths touched and we melded together again in a heated exchange. I could kiss this man daily for a hundred years and never tire of it.
Tony leaned down and touched his forehead to mine. “I will miss you, Hope. Very much. I don’t want to think about it.”
“Me neither.” I peered into his eyes. “So this is it, then?”
Tony closed his eyes and bit his lower lip, then said, “I would like for to see you just one more time, maybe the week I leave town. Can we do that?”
I thought about it. “As long as we don’t have sex, I think we could. I don’t want to take a chance like that again, you know?”
Tony’s passionate eyes spoke volumes. “If we make love I be careful. I promise.”
With a shiver zinging down my spine at the implication, I nodded. “I might. I’ll have to see. But either way, yes, I want to see you at least one more time.”
“I hate that I must move in two weeks.” He gave me a quick kiss. “I call you tomorrow and we plan some time to meet, yes?”
With a nod, I turned my face away.
Tony slipped outside and shut the door.
For a good ten minutes I stood staring at the window pane and reflecting on my jumbled emotions. I didn’t know it was possible to feel so strongly for two men at the same time.
The man who’d held my heart for years, my dear husband, was losing me.
And the man I would never see again now held my heart in his hands.
The pain nearly bowled me over as I thought about all that I was losing, and what I had already lost.
*****
Later that night James arrived home, dirty and exhausted, but beaming as he told me about all of the things that he and Jimmy had done together that day. I forced myself to listen with a cheerful smile, when deep inside I wept over my sin. Somehow I had to tell James. But when? And how?
After we watched the news together, James showered and went immediately to bed. I stayed up, lying beside him with my lamp on as I read a book. Same old, same old.
No wonder women had affairs. While obviously immoral, they were at least exciting. More interesting than friendship with a man who slept beside me every night, content to embrace his pillow and sleep. Always sleep, sleep, sleep. Was it possible to be envious of such a thing? If so, sleep had me green from head to toe.
When I couldn’t hold my eyes open any longer, I turned out the light. My heart longed for Tony, and the dreams filling my mind only made the hunger worse.
The next day went by in a blur. My heart pounded every time either of the phones rang. But Tony never called. Finally around midnight, I sat at the computer and typed out an e-mail, crying as I wrote down every word.
I can’t do this anymore. This waiting and longing to hear your voice, wondering when I’ll see you next. It hurts too much. I think we should say our goodbyes now.
Love, Hope.
As I hit send I sucked in a deep breath, hoping his wife wouldn’t see the message, yet relieved to get my feelings out in the open, even if only through e-mail.
To my surprise, I received a quick response from Tony.
I log on to check e-mail after work and see you note. I am sorry, Hope, that this is hard for you. I have much to do for move, but I not want to end this way. I must see you. Please, forgive for not calling. I not mean to cause you hurt. But I do have good news. My wife, she go to Rochester day after tomorrow and I make sure you see me at my house. I call you tomorrow. I long to see you. Tony.
I nearly wept with relief, my heart pounding in anticipation as I finally crawled into bed, dreaming of our future encounter and wishing it didn’t have to end.
*****
My cycle finished a day earlier than usual.
In fact, the next morning my flow had completely dried up, as if my hormones knew there would be sexual contact soon and my body needed to prepare for the encounter. I nearly danced with joy. Thrilled that I could join with Tony in an intimate way one last time, I would follow my desire as long as the opportunity presented itself.
Still, I walked around the house in a daze, waiting for his call to confirm that we could see each other tomorrow. When dinner came and went and I had not heard from Tony, I sucked in my t
ears and waited until Jimmy went to bed, then told James I planned to see my friend Angela. He nodded and continued watching TV. I wondered if he’d even heard me, but I didn’t stay and repeat myself to find out.
So, I drove to her house, my pulse pounding. I stepped out of my car and walked to the front door. My hand shook as I knocked.
Angela opened the door and grinned wide. “You’re such an angel! How did you know the kids were driving me crazy and I needed a hug and some adult conversation from my dear friend?” She guided me inside, shut the door, and then turned to walk to her living room.
We’d have some adult conversation all right, but not like she was thinking. I had to tell her what was going on with me and James. I needed her to pray and help me plan how I’d tell James about the affair. So I swallowed hard and opened my mouth.
“I…I’m no angel. I’ve done something terrible and I’m probably going to hell for it.”
Well, that stopped Angela dead in her tracks. She turned around. But rather than judgment and condemnation appearing on her lovely face, I saw only love and compassion in her eyes. “Want to talk about it?”
I nodded and burst into tears as I clung to my tiny friend.
She held me until I caught my breath. Wiping my tears with my sleeve, I plopped down on her couch. She sat down and faced me.
Her hands reached out and grabbed mine. “You can tell me anything, Hope. I knew something was wrong, but I wasn’t sure what it was, or how I could help you. So I’ve been praying for you. That you’d find the strength to bring your problem out in the open, and talk about whatever’s been eating you up inside.”
So Angela’s prayers were what had drawn me to her house that night. I should’ve known that my faithful friend would approach God’s throne and intercede on my behalf. Part of me wanted to hug her and thank her for her prayers and the other part wanted to slap her and tell her that the conviction of the Holy Spirit has been too strong and it was most likely all her fault that I felt so horrible.
Never Without Hope (Sacred Vows Book 1) Page 10