Several tears slid unbidden down my cheeks. I patted my skin dry with the napkin I held and tried to smile and ignore the pain evoked by the truth in her words.
For ten minutes our group at the table discussed the weather and mundane topics.
When it came time to begin our study, Annabelle led us in prayer. I thanked God that we were a smaller group than usual tonight and that everyone present already knew my personal business. We eventually digressed from the topic of the study and prayed about my concerns. My marriage, of course, being my biggest request.
Annabelle led us in a closing prayer. “Thank You, Lord, for bringing Hope back to the right path for her life. One that honors You. We pray that You’ll keep her steadfast and strong and that Your angels will protect her in the days to come. We pray that You also work on James’s heart and soften it, Lord. And most of all, we pray that Hope learns to forgive herself—that we all learn to forgive ourselves when we sin, and move on.” Annabelle squeezed my hand. It was now my turn to pray.
My heart seemed to melt inside me as I poured out my concerns, not worrying about what people might think, but focused on my need. “God, help me to never get to the place again where I stray in my marriage. Help me to be content with my circumstances and learn to run to You instead of running from You when I fall into sin. I’m sorry, Lord, that I allowed my sin to separate my heart from Yours. I know You want me to be in a right relationship with You, and I pray that somehow You will use this whole experience for my good and for the good of my family as well. And Lord, protect Jimmy’s heart and help him to know for certain that none of this was his fault. Amen.”
When we finished praying, I felt spiritually refreshed. Rejuvenated even.
I knew that no matter what happened the Lord would be with me from now on—as long as I wanted Him there. He would never force His love on me, or His will on anyone. That much I had learned.
But it hurt when I fully realized that I had not loved the Lord as much as I thought I had, or I would not have put my physical needs above my relationship with Him in the first place. Pride coming before a fall suddenly took on a whole new meaning for me.
Later that night as I read my Bible after Jimmy and my sister had retired for the evening, I sensed the Lord drawing me to several scriptures pertaining to God’s will for marriage. For my marriage.
I’d found the scripture references in the back of my Bible listed under topics. So I read each of them. My heart grew heavy as I absorbed the words.
Husbands were supposed to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her. Spouses were not to deny each other sexual relations unless it was for a specific purpose and only for a limited time, and was agreed upon by both parties. The Scriptures even said that denying the spouse could cause them to stray. Well, that certainly spoke of my situation. Not that it justified my transgression.
Honestly, though, even though the Scriptures helped me make sense of the mess I’d created, I wasn’t tempted to lay the blame all on my husband. Yes, he set me up to be more vulnerable than if he had met my needs like a husband should, but I hadn’t done a very good job at communicating my true needs to him either. That needed to be the first thing I’d confess to James if given the chance. If he’d listen to me.
I still wasn’t sure how I felt about reuniting with him in marriage, especially given his sexual limitations, but I decided to leave the results up to God. Maybe this was one of those times when separating from my spouse for a while made Biblical sense, like the Scripture referred to.
James and I both needed time to sort things through, especially our love for each other. And rather than feeling bitter, for the first time I felt true compassion for my husband and what he’d gone through.
He must be really hurting, for his manhood had taken a hit not just before, but also during, and now after the affair. I wondered what had he learned from the collapse of our marriage. Had the Lord revealed anything to him as He had to me? Had the Lord broken my husband’s heart with the intention of rebuilding it again?
A glimmer of hope flickered in the darkest places of my recent memory. Could this be a situation that the Lord had known was coming and He used it for our good, for the good of our marriage? I knew the Lord never condoned sin or set people up to sin, but He knew what I’d do even before I did, and He was God, so He could use it to grow me spiritually, right?
The Scripture came to mind where it says the Lord tears down and He will rebuild. My marriage was certainly torn down, but I knew God hadn’t done the tearing. I’d done that myself. However, He could use this situation, or any situation to tear down strongholds in our lives. Things that had bound us and kept us from fully serving Him. Things that neither my husband nor I had acknowledged until now.
Wow.
I realized then how both James and I had been coasting along in our spiritual walks, grown a bit complacent, though not dead. We had clearly grown lukewarm. James had started drinking, and I began fantasizing about what I couldn’t have, then turned to someone else to meet that need reserved only for the marriage bed.
Yet, God could turn our lives around. I knew it was true. Now I had to believe it for myself. I needed spiritual cleansing, water to nourish my dried spiritual roots and revive the sense of deadness that my sin had created in my soul.
Most importantly, faith in my marriage needed to grow. Quickly. Before it was too late. Before it shriveled up completely.
While I knew that God could transform our marriage, I needed to let Him have control over our family, our home, our lives, everything...
Because faith was the evidence of things unseen, yet hoped for, right?
And I hoped with everything in me that James and I could have our marriage restored. So with tears in my eyes, I poured out my heart to God and asked Him to be the Lord over our marriage. To take control of my heart. To be at the center of our lives.
I knew I was praying within God’s will this time.
Warmth covered me from head to toe. I sensed that God was listening to my heart’s cry, and this felt reassuring. Holy. Awesome.
Now I needed to walk forward in faith, not looking back, and leave the results up to Him. That would be so hard.
Doubt crept into my thoughts. What if it took a long time?
I wondered if He would mind if I helped things out just a little?
My eyes were drawn to my purse. Before I could talk myself out of it, I grabbed my cell phone and flipped it open, then searched for James’s cell phone number. I sucked in a deep breath and pressed send.
The phone trilled in my ear as it dialed my husband. Two rings. Three.
This is James. Sorry I can’t talk right now. But please leave a message. And if this is Hope or Jimmy, know that I…I love you.
My mouth fell open and I pushed end before I said a word. I needed to process the message. When had James recorded it? Had he known I would call? What did he mean? Was the I love you part of the message for me or Jimmy? Or was it for both of us?
With more questions than answers now on my mind, I fell into a fitful sleep.
Chapter 25
The next few days flew by like a winter breeze, leaving me cold. I was alone again.
My sister had returned to her home and her career. Jimmy and I sat by the fire and watched the latest animated DVD—just released—that my sister had bought him.
While the movie was cute, my mind lingered elsewhere. On James. Wondering why he hadn’t called yet. Not even to talk to Jimmy. My son tried to act like it didn’t bother him, but I knew it did. In fact, yesterday morning I heard him praying with my sister before breakfast. I hung back and waited until they finished.
Then Jimmy and I helped load her bags into the cab and we hugged her goodbye. I would miss her a lot, but part of me was glad to see her go because I needed time to myself to pray for James and wait on the Lord. I was always better at focusing on God after our company went home.
After the movie ended, Jimmy and I decided on
a veggie pizza for supper. I agreed to chase it down at the local pizzeria before it got too dark. Jimmy said he would stay home and fold the clothes when the dryer turned off. In fact, he’d volunteered to help me with most of the household chores today. I wondered if that was how he coped with my sister leaving.
Stay busy. Don’t think about the pain, the sense of loss.
That’s how I tended to cope, so it wouldn’t surprise me if he’d picked up on that as well. But maybe he wanted to make sure I stayed pleased with him. I would hope that he knew I’d love him no matter what, but if I were Jimmy I’d probably feel a bit insecure right now and would be willing to do just about anything to please my parents, too.
Poor kid. He’d had to grow up in so many ways over the past few months.
As I pulled into the parking lot of the pizza shop, I noticed the van from the local treatment center pulling onto the road. My thoughts drifted quickly to Tony.
I wondered if he’d finally moved to Michigan but was afraid to drive by his house. What if his plans had fallen through, and he wasn’t moving after all? I’d die if he stuck around. It would be too hard. Please, God, let him be gone.
So after I paid for the pizza I detoured to the treatment center on the way home. My heart stopped beating—or at least that’s what it felt like—when I drove by and saw Tony’s black truck parked on the side of the road. Why was he still here?
With a groan I pulled into the neighbor’s driveway and turned around as fast as I could. But someone had pulled the curtains to the side and peered through the window. I could see the head of someone that looked a lot like Tony, but I refused to look back or stare. I did NOT want him to see me.
Hands trembling, I clutched the steering wheel and decided I had to know if his house had sold. The temptation was too great. Not because I wanted to get involved with Tony again, but because I needed to know if he would soon be gone. I had to know for the sake of my sanity.
Like a mad woman I drove. A niggling sensation in my stomach told me to avoid his street and just drive home, but I ignored it. Instead, I exceeded the speed limit until I arrived at his street. Sucking in a shaky breath, I turned on to the dirt road. I would only get close enough to see if the sign said SOLD or For Sale.
With a groan, I noted the status of his move. Sale Pending could mean just about anything. He could be living here a few more weeks until the sale closed. Or he might still move as planned. But that was days ago that he should’ve left, because I remembered when he’d said he was scheduled to begin his new job. So why no moving van in his driveway? Had his job also fallen through?
Tears filled my eyes when I realized this drama in my life might be far from over. Could I ever relax knowing that anywhere I went in town I could run into his wife, or worse, him?
Rubbing the tears from my eyes, I made a three point turn and almost backed into Tony’s wife’s car. I hadn’t seen her coming. Fear made my limbs stiffen. My eyes grew wide when she stepped out of her vehicle and rushed toward me. I barreled down the road and swerved around her parked car.
Why hadn’t I listened to the tiny voice that had told me to stay away? Since Tony knew where I lived, this latest stupid move on my part could wreak havoc on my family.
I could only pray that he wouldn’t reveal my address to his wife. The last I knew he’d lied to her and said he’d never been to my house. I could only hope that wouldn’t change, especially now that she’d seen me. Then I remembered the note left on my door and wondered if she’d been with him when he dropped it off. She could have lied when she told me he said he didn’t know my address. What was I going to do now?
Mentally kicking myself as I drove home, I hesitated when my cell phone rang.
The number on my cell phone was blocked so it could be anybody.
Flipping my phone open, I swallowed hard. “Hello?”
“You bitch! Stay away from my husband!”
“But I—”
The line went dead. I pulled into my driveway and stared at the phone, my heart heavy, and my throat tight with guilt. What had I done? Now his wife thought I was after him again and I couldn’t call back to reassure her that I just wanted peace of mind. I wanted them to move away so I could heal. But I had no way to make that happen, or even call back, and it made me sweat the rest of the night.
I could barely eat my pizza. Jimmy kept looking at me like he wanted to say something, but he never did.
“Night, Mom. I had fun. Thanks.” My son kissed my cheek, then sauntered off to bed.
Fear of getting another call had dominated my thoughts, so I’d turned off my cell phone and unplugged my landline the moment I’d gotten home.
After undressing, I climbed into bed and stared at the ceiling, wondering when I’d hear from James again, and if I did, what I’d say to him. It was too late for him to call tonight, but maybe tomorrow after church I’d turn the phones back on and see if James would contact us then.
Please Lord, if not for me, have James at least call for Jimmy.
When sleep refused to come, I got out of bed and turned on my computer. Maybe playing a few games would help me relax, or reading my e-mail, which by now had probably stacked up to overflowing.
Scanning through my e-mails, I eliminated the junk mail first. Several unfamiliar names showed up on the list and I deleted them as well. No way was I taking a chance on getting a virus. Not when I needed my computer for work so I could pay the bills.
Our pastor had sent me an e-mail, so I opened it.
Hope to see you Sunday. Just wanted to pass you a message. Don’t give up on James. He said he’ll call you when he’s ready. Just give him time. That’s all he’s asking for right now. He wanted to write you and tell you this himself, but I told him I couldn’t give out your new e-mail address without your permission. Please write him back when you can.
Pastor
Wondering what I would say, I decided to save that message and write to James after I returned from church the next morning. That would give me time to pray about it and even talk to the pastor before I contacted James.
My eyelids grew heavy as I finished the other e-mails. When my eyes started crossing, I turned it off and climbed back in bed.
*****
As I readied for church the next morning, I thought about all that had happened in just a few months' time. Stepping out of the shower, I dried my hair with a towel and then my body. I couldn’t help peering at myself in the mirror. James had always loved the natural color of my straight brown hair with its lustrous sheen, but he’d really enjoy the looks of the new me. I must’ve lost ten pounds in the last month alone. My body didn’t resemble a supermodel like his ex’s did, but I still had a nice shape. And this time with plenty of curves and little excess fat.
Resting my foot on our garden tub, I trimmed my toenails.
The phone rang and the sudden, jarring noise startled me. I said without thinking, “Jimmy, can you get that?”
I finished trimming my nails and put the clippers away. Then I thought about who could be calling. Fear seized my chest when I realized I hadn’t turned the phones back on yet, or had I? No, I was pretty sure I hadn’t. Jimmy must’ve noticed that the phone was unplugged and decided to fix it.
Wrapping the towel on my head like a turban, I grabbed a larger towel to cover the rest of me. My hands shook as I opened the bathroom door.
Somehow I needed to get the phone before Jimmy did! I shuddered when I thought about all that could go wrong. What if it was Tony calling, or his wife?
Our phone stopped ringing as suddenly as it started. Jimmy!
The sound of a shriek made the hair on my arms bristle.
Chapter 26
“Mom, Dad’s on the phone! He wants to see us. Can he?” Jimmy raced into the bedroom whooping for joy, his face beaming. He acted more like a five-year-old than his true age of eleven years going on twelve.
I admired Jimmy’s ability to look past what his father had done. What he’d said to both of us.
He obviously missed his dad. How could I deny him that simple pleasure?
“Sure. We’ll meet him wherever he wants.” Tears filled my eyes as I watched Jimmy jump up and down.
“She said we’ll eat wherever you want, dad! The park? …Isn’t it kind of cold for a picnic? Oh, okay….we’ll talk first, then eat… All right…. See you soon…. I love you, too, Daddy.”
Jimmy ran into the room, still clutching the phone, his mouth wide open. He hesitated when he saw my tears and tipped his face toward me. “You upset, Mom?”
I shrugged. Not sure how to explain my feelings, but willing to try for his sake. “I’m happy about seeing him, but a bit scared, I guess.”
His lips pressed together. “I should’ve handed you the phone before I hung up, huh? I’m sorry. I was just so excited—.”
“That’s okay, Jimmy. I’m not sure what I would’ve said anyway. I need to pray about this so things go smoothly. I’m worried I’ll say something wrong.” Pressing my hand against my mouth, I fought the emotion welling to the surface.
My son nodded and with a serious face he said, “Don’t tell Dad I told you this, but he was crying, too. I think he misses us.”
The emotion I tried so hard to suppress now burst forth, and I sobbed, “I miss him, too, Jimmy. I miss him, too.”
Jimmy set the phone on the bed and wrapped his arms around me. “It’s okay, Mom. I think God is gonna heal our family. I’ve been praying and…” His voice broke. “And I really feel like things will get better.”
I felt his body shake as he pressed against me. I buried my face in his hair and inhaled deeply. The faint scent of shampoo and hair no longer smelled like my baby boy. Our son was growing up. With that sobering thought heavy on my mind, I squeezed him tight, not wanting to let go, but knowing I must. “Thanks, Jimmy. I needed a hug.”
He laughed and wiped his eyes with the palms of his hands. “Me, too. Just don’t tell anyone you saw me crying like this, okay?”
Never Without Hope (Sacred Vows Book 1) Page 21