I knew the Scriptures said that as far as the east was from the west so would my sins be when I confessed them to the Lord. So why did it seem like my old sinful state clung to me like unwanted sweat, and no matter how many times I scrubbed it off, the stench continued to return? I needed to pray…
Lord, I know You’ve forgiven me, but sometimes I still doubt that. It seems too wonderful to be true. I can’t fathom why You want to love me, but I’m so glad you do. Please show Tony’s wife that You are still God and You love her. Please don’t allow my sin be a barrier to her salvation. Or Tony’s. Heal their family, Lord. Please. And heal mine, too. Amen.”
Peace settled over me like a quilt warmed by the fire. I closed my eyes and hoped for another chance to witness to Tony’s wife. I knew the desire had to come from God because my reaction in the flesh would be to argue back and blame her, too. But no more. I had to own the new me, the me that had repented and turned from my sin. God was with me, so who could stand against me, right?
The phone rang and I jolted upright. Hesitant, yet hopeful that I had a second chance to witness to Tony’s wife, I slipped my feet to the floor and snatched the phone, fully intending to share God’s love with her. “I’m so glad you called back.”
“You are?” The voice of my husband’s ex-wife, the one who’d sent him the picture of herself in the buff, greeted me warily.
My stomach cramped. I really needed to start checking the caller ID box. “Uh…”
“Wow, and I thought you’d be bitter. I’m…well, I don’t know what to say.”
Me either.
Chapter 28
“…I thought you were someone else.”
I sat on the edge of my bed and ran my fingers through my bangs.
“Who? James?” Her tone sounded more curious than sarcastic.
Don’t ask me why I told her the truth, but I did. “No, the wife of the man I was having an affair with, actually. I know it sounds crazy, but—“
“Hold on a second. You were glad she called back?”
It probably wouldn’t make sense to her even if I tried to explain, but I did anyway. “She had called earlier and accused me of ruining her life. I tried to tell her I was sorry and told her that I was praying for her and she got all upset and hung up. I’d thought when the phone rang that God was giving me one more chance to make things right with her. I know, it sounds pretty crazy.”
“I won’t argue with you there. So why aren’t you still angry with me? I thought you hated me.”
“I’m trying to forgive everyone. It seems the hardest person to forgive is myself.”
“I know what you mean…” She was silent for what seemed like minutes, then asked in a hushed tone, “Will you forgive me for contacting James…and for tempting him with that picture?”
My flesh wanted me to refuse, but my heart knew her request was sincere. “Yes. I can do that. Thank you for asking.”
“No problem.” She giggled. “I was just calling James back because I hadn’t heard from him since the time he’d called me drunk. I just wanted to let him know that I’m now engaged to this great guy. At any rate, you have nothing to worry about.”
The tension eased from my shoulders and neck. That was good news indeed. “I’ll pass the message on to him. Thanks for letting me know.”
“Sure. And I’d say talk to you later, but that doesn’t make sense now, does it? So I’ll just wish you two the best. I really do. And thanks for not hating me.”
“No problem. Um, Bye.”
“Bye.” Click.
Baffled by my openness with this women I barely knew, I marveled at how God had used it to help clear the air between us. That was one less person to hold a grudge against. And she was getting married, too. Could there be any better news?
Other than James longing to make passionate love to me, I couldn’t think of a thing.
The phone rang. This time I checked the caller ID box. James.
“Hi.” Licking my lips, I closed my eyes and tried to still my racing heart.
“Hey, Hope. I… I just wanted to hear your voice. To know that you’re still there.”
“I am. Thanks for calling. By the way, your ex, Charlotte, called the house.”
He groaned. “Did you talk to her? I kept refusing her calls on my cell phone. I’m trying to do the right thing and stay out of contact with her.”
“Oh… Well, she told me she’s getting married and wanted me to let you know. At least that’s what she said.”
“That’s a relief. I didn’t want to be tempted by talking to her, you know?”
I suppose it was similar to the temptation I felt when Tony contacted me. But that implied he had desire for her. What about me? Did I excite him as much as his ex had?
He must’ve realized his error because he implored, “I meant in my mind, Hope. You know I love you and I don’t have feelings for her anymore. It’s just…your mind can take you places you don’t want to be. Know what I mean?”
“Yeah, I do. I’m just glad she’s happy and no longer interested in you.”
My husband chuckled. “Yeah, me too.”
“Really?” I swallowed. Hard. “But I thought…”
“What? That I’d take her back? I won’t say I didn’t consider it when I was angry with you, but I’m past that now.”
“Really?” Blinking back tears, I wondered why.
James laughed. “Why don’t you believe me? I told you when I married you that you were the first woman I ever truly loved. I wasn’t just saying that to woo you. I meant it.”
“You…you didn’t love Charlotte?”
“I did in my own way. But I didn’t know Christ then. Not like when I met you.” His voice broke. “I can’t lose you, Hope. If I did, then I might as well not go on living. I can’t see any joy in my life without you in it. I can do nothing without you, Hope. We’re one flesh.”
“But why? Why don’t you hate me? I don’t understand. I think I’d have trouble getting past it if you cheated on me.”
“Oh, I’m not saying I don’t struggle in my mind with images of you with…” he coughed, “with him.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I really am.”
“I believe you, Hope. But tell me, was he a…was he you know…was he better than me?” His tense voice told me this was really anxiety producing for him. I knew he would sense if I didn’t tell him the whole truth, so I weighed my words carefully.
“No one makes me feel like you do, James. All you have to do is look at me, or touch my arm, and I get excited. It wasn’t like that with…him.”
I sensed the tears in his voice. “So why’d you go back? Why’d you keep seeing him…that way?”
“Because…gosh, this sounds wrong, but…it was because he seemed to want me, James. I knew you were upset that we couldn’t…do it. I….well, I knew he could and I just thought it would take the pressure off you and help me, too, and it ended up messing up my life and I’m so sorry I hurt you. I’m so sorry.” I exhaled, emotionally spent from the truth in my disclosure. I prayed he’d understand.
He was silent for several minutes. I didn’t know if it was from anger, or pain, or frustration, so I waited it out, sobbing as quietly as I could while I waited for him to say something. Anything.
The more time that passed, the more distressed I felt. Though only minutes, it seemed like hours of silence that I’d endured. I finally asked, “You still there.”
“Yes. I was just praying.”
“You were? About what?”
“That I will have some peace. That I can forgive him for doing what he did with you. I can’t think of anything worse a man can do to another man than sleeping with his wife. He must’ve known you were vulnerable, and like a snake he struck when he saw that you were in a weak place.”
“It wasn’t all him. I had my part in it.”
“But I know you, Hope. You wear your emotions on your sleeve. Men see how sensual you are. I notice that when we’re together. How men look at you. It never bothered
me before because I was proud that you chose me. Now I’ll always wonder who the next guy could be. If there will be someone else.”
“Oh, James, that’s not gonna happen. I swear it. This situation was different. We were just friends. I met him on an airplane. I found out he was moving out of town so I knew it wouldn’t last. Guys have always made passes at me. I just never considered it before. We were always happy until last year. I started feeling like you didn’t find me attractive anymore. And Tony did. I’m—”
“So that’s his name? Tony?” My husband’s voice sounded gruff.
“Yeah. You’ve never met him. His wife is moving to Michigan. I’m pretty sure he’s going with her…soon. I don’t think we’ll run into him anywhere. At least I hope not.”
“I’ve been praying a lot lately. While what happened tore me up, in some ways it helped me. It was like a wake-up call that helped me snap out of the funk I was in. I had drifted away from the Lord, and I’d asked Him to revive my heart. Well, He did, honey. I feel like a new man.”
“That’s great—”
“Let me finish, okay? I know deep in my heart that I’m supposed to love you and forgive you and not look back at the past. The Lord clearly impressed that on my heart. I told Him I’d do it. I will choose to love you. More than ever. Please know that it will be different this time. No alcohol in the house. No excessive television viewing and skipping church. We’ll even go to counseling.”
If the phone had had a twisty cord, I’d have wrapped it around my finger as I listened to what he said. The Lord had worked a miracle in my husband’s heart and it left me breathless. “I…I don’t know what to say.”
“Say you’ll commit your heart to our marriage, and we’ll work things through together. Tell me you want to give us a chance again. Assure me that you haven’t given up hope for our family, for us.”
“I want to. I’m scared, though.” I blinked back tears.
“Of what?”
“What if things don’t get better for us…sexually? I want to trust myself, but if you keep pushing me away like you did before…I don’t know that my mind won’t start thinking the wrong thing. You know?”
I heard the laughter and relief in my husband’s response. “Is that all?”
It seemed pretty big to me, and not funny at all.
My husband lowered his voice in a conspiratorial whisper, “Well, I hope you’ll soon find out that my ability to please you is no longer going to be an issue. Having that heart attack actually saved me. They found out what was causing my impotence and now it’s gone. The blockage and the high blood pressure had restricted my blood flow there.”
Fire heated me from head to toe when I considered that we could once again have our healthy sex life to enjoy. Yet, it seemed too good to be true. I really wanted to believe him, but would he really want to do that with me? Could he make love to me without thinking about my past sin? Could I do that if I were James? Was it even possible?
“H…how do you know?”
“Let’s just say that hearing your sexy voice perked me right up.” His laughter had a sensual edge to it—like he wore a wicked smile.
A tingle worked its way down my spine and heated me from within. My husband hadn’t gotten excited from just hearing my voice since Jimmy was born. I yearned to know what it would be like to be intimate with my husband again, and it felt right, and natural to long for him.
“Did you hear me, hon? The plumbing works just fine now.” His voice lowered further, so much I could barely hear him. “My body is longing to be with you, hon, but I know we need to take it slow. Give our hearts time to heal.”
“I know…” But I don’t think it’ll be easy for me to wait.
“I feel like I’m a teenager all over again. And now that I’m not struggling with my…manhood issues…I can’t wait to show you how I feel about you, Babe. What I’ve longed to do with you for the past year, and even longer. But the doctor warned me to take it slow.”
Closing my eyes, I imagined the early days in our marriage and excitement coursed through me. Maybe his heart had been bad for years and that’s all that had been wrong with him…with us. If he was fully recovered, then there was nothing stopping us from enjoying our marriage like we’d done on our honeymoon.
Now I found it ironic that we’d waited to have sex until we were married, especially given my lack of control this past year. But if we could do it before, maybe we could wait again, at least until the timing was right.
“Thank you, James.”
“For what?” He seemed genuinely surprised.
“For giving me…giving us another chance.”
“Of course. Why wouldn’t I? With God now in charge of my life again, I can’t imagine anything less than complete forgiveness.”
Me either, but we were just talking on the phone. When it came down to putting his actions behind his words, I wondered if James could do it. But I shook off the thought. I’d take things one day at a time.
Anything more than that would make me crazy.
Chapter 29
James and I talked on the phone several times a day that first week. Jimmy even went to visit his dad a few times. They went four wheeling like his dad had promised.
My husband and I held off seeing each other again until our first counseling session. We agreed that we needed structure for our emotion-filled conversations about what had transpired in our marriage. We both wanted complete healing and knew that talking about what happened was the best way to achieve that end.
The first thing I noticed about James before we began our session was his confidence. It seemed higher than I’ve ever witnessed before. His eyes shone bright. I expected more of a strained expression, more trepidation, but he kept telling me that God had given him hope and that’s why he felt so joyful in spite of what we were about to discuss. If only I had the same level of confidence.
When the counselor popped his head into the waiting area and called our names, James gently took my hand and we walked side by side into the office. I sat on the couch and James sat next to me. The therapist was a friend of our pastor’s, and he shook each of our hands.
“Name’s Jeff Jacobs. It’s nice to see you two sitting beside each other. Usually the first session is the worst when it comes to dealing with affairs.”
I didn’t know how to respond to his comment, so I just stared, hoping James would say something first. “Jeff, this is my wife Hope, and I’m James. We really appreciate you squeezing us into your tight schedule.”
“No problem. I owed your pastor a favor. How about we start with prayer?” Jeff rested his hands on his knees as he leaned forward in his chair.
So far things were turning out better than I had expected, but it still felt like a Mexican jumping bean hopped inside my belly. James must’ve sensed my distress because he took my hand and rubbed my knuckles with his thumb. The circular motion relaxed me.
Closing his eyes, our marriage therapist petitioned the Lord with fervor, and praised God for what He had already done in our marriage. When he finished praying, my lashes were as wet as my husband’s were. I marveled at the emotion evoked from simply agreeing with Jeff’s prayer. Maybe God was already restoring what the locusts had eaten, as Jeff had so lovingly stated in his petition to the Lord on our behalf.
Oh, how I prayed that were true.
“Who’d like to start?”
James and I looked at each other, both reluctant to speak.
Finally James broke the silence. “I’ll do it. Seems to me that it’d be easier for me to start. Even though I was wronged, I know I had a part in what happened. But the guilt has been taken from me, when I gave it to the Lord. I’m not sure the same goes for you, Hope. You still seem strained, hurt, like you still feel guilty. Am I right?”
I nodded, swallowing hard as I willed myself to not cry…yet. I didn’t want to sob through the entire session and distract from what God could do in our midst.
But my grief still welled to the surf
ace and rocked me emotionally. The look in James’s eyes…I could barely stand to look at him even though I knew he’d forgiven me. I really believed that he had. But I still couldn’t seem to forgive myself. The evil that still lurked in my heart had bowled me over; my lust had run away with my senses. I’d found myself doing things I didn’t want to do, and unable to do the things I knew were right.
James’s hand touched my knee. I glanced up.
“I’m going to tell you right now that in my mind…well, it’s as if nothing happened. I know you find that hard to believe, but I refuse to dwell on the past. That doesn’t mean the enemy won’t mess with my head sometimes. I still get angry when I think about how the cops tazered me on my own property. But I have to remember that God used that to get my heart fixed—in more ways than one. So while it was an awful experience, it was the wakeup call that I’d needed. You know?”
“I think I understand. It’s just so hard to believe that you still…that you still want me. I just don’t understand it.” The tears I’d held at bay flowed silently down my cheeks. I peered deeply into my husband’s eyes. “Why?”
The therapist handed me a tissue. I paused and blew my nose. “Thank you.”
James reached for my hand. “Because I love you, Hope. More than life itself. I love you. I can’t explain it, but God placed that love there in my heart. It’s never died, not even when I was the most hurt. Right now my love for you feels stronger than ever.”
I stared at his hand holding mine and gently tugged it free so I could blow my nose again. When I finished, I peered up at my husband. “I needed to hear that.”
His eyes filled and he snatched a tissue from the box and wiped his damp cheeks.
“I know, Babe. I’m sorry I wasn’t listening to you…before.”
My hands now shaking, I tried to muster the courage to ask him in the safety of the therapist’s office what I really wanted to know. “Did you…do you…”
I couldn’t get the words out. Sucking in a deep breath, I tried again, this time avoiding his eyes as I forced out the question that plagued my mind. “Did you really think I was a…a…whore?”
Never Without Hope (Sacred Vows Book 1) Page 23