by Kacey Shea
“Even at the cost of your own happiness?” he implores.
“Yes. Especially that. Goodnight, Derek. I hope you have a good tour.” I pull from his hold and turn on my heel, striding toward my parked car.
“Wait!” he calls.
I stop but don’t look back. I need to be strong, for myself, for my boys.
“Keep me updated on Luis?” His voice is full of emotion. That man, the one beneath the rock star veneer, that’s the man I care about.
“Always. Good-bye, Derek.” I say into the night sky. I don’t hear his response. Instead my labored breaths fill my ears as I trot to my car and peel out of the driveway.
I PULL INTO THE VISITOR space and jog up to the desk to check in. My eyes burn. I couldn’t sleep last night. After no sleep and six cups of coffee, I’m jittery as hell. After Carly left last night I couldn’t stay at the party. I had no desire to be there. I said my good-byes and drove back to my apartment where I lost myself in my writing.
Song after song, lyric after lyric, the words flowed like a waterfall, beating down on my soul faster than I could scribble them on paper. Like an exorcism, I had to get them out of my system. The sunlight beat through my window, a wild mix of burnt orange and golden yellows before I could breathe normally again. It was pointless to even attempt sleep, so I finished packing for the trip and drove to the center to see my mom.
“She’s had a few bad days,” Liz, the front desk employee, warns as she checks my ID against my mom’s approved visitor list. Well, great. This day is off to a fucking phenomenal start.
“Just forgetting names?” I ask Liz. She nods with furrowed brows. Her mouth pulls into a tight line and she hands back my license.
“It’s progressing more. You know we check in regularly and most days she can handle the independence, but yesterday Yolanda found her crying in the kitchen. She didn’t remember how to turn on the faucet.”
I blow out a breath and rub my hands over my face and over the stubble on my head. “What does that mean?”
“We’ve discussed this before. We’ll keep you informed, but it won’t be long now. She’ll need to move into the assisted care unit for twenty-four-seven companionship. It’s for her safety.”
“She’s not going to like it.” I laugh humorlessly. That’s the bitch of the disease. Some days my mom can remember everything. Some days she forgets her own name. The inevitable is coming and sometimes I wish it’d just get here already so she didn’t have to suffer.
“Yes, I’m sure you’re correct.”
“I’m going on the road for the next month. Can I please get daily reports?”
“Of course, Mr. Taylor.” She nods and places a hand on my shoulder. “She’s safe here. We’ll make this transition as comfortable as possible, but this disease isn’t easy. On you or her.” She pulls her arm back and I nod and pick up the coffee and donuts I stopped for on my way over.
“Thank you, Liz. I appreciate that.”
I stride to my mom’s apartment and open the door with a knock.
“Madre! I brought your fav!” I call out. I walk into the dark and flip on the lights to the tiny apartment. “Oh!” I stop short to find her sitting on the couch. Her eyes are wide as she meets my gaze.
“Alexander,” she whispers. Her lips pull slowly into a smile that fills her face. “Alexander!” she shouts. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I fucking hate his name.
“Mom, it’s me, Derek. Not Dad. I brought you donuts.” Her smile crumbles and the lines of her face worry me. “It’s me, Derek. Your son.”
“Derek,” she repeats. “Where’s your brother?”
“David’s in heaven, Madre. He died, remember?” Her chin trembles and her gaze sharpens. I know this look. Fuck, she’s remembering the pain all over again. My brother dying. My dad leaving. God, I hate this. I drop everything on the table and fall to my knees before her. Her sobs come quick and the tears rain down. I lay my head on her lap and her body slumps over me.
“Derek. You’re Derek. David passed on. Alexander left,” she bites out between sobs.
“Yeah, Mom. It’s okay. I’m here.”
I let her hold on and cry it out. Her pain is tormenting. To have to re-live the worst memories of her life all over again, as if the first time wasn’t hard enough. Losing her oldest son. Her husband walking out a few months later. I know everyone grieves differently, but I’ll never understand that. They said they grew apart throughout my brother’s illness.
He said she became so obsessed with David’s care she didn’t have any room left for a husband. I’ll always see him as a selfish prick. Sure, he sent checks every month. Financially, he still took care of us. But how do you leave the woman you are supposed to love when her world has been torn apart? How do you leave your twelve-year-old son to pick up the pieces?
Mom’s sobs slow and she pulls away. I lean back on my heels and straighten before her.
“I brought the clown donuts.” I make a silly face and she gives a little chuckle while wiping at her face.
“You’ll get cavities with that sweet tooth of yours.” She accepts my hand and I lead her to the table. My visit is short and I don’t bother explaining my tour. She’ll only be confused. Besides, she won’t even realize I’m not here.
Getting back in my Yukon, it hits me that our visit today might be the last time she remembers I’m Derek. I crank a blues number on the stereo and tap my fingers to the rhythm on the steering wheel. My left knee bounces to the bass drum. Ella Fitzgerald croons about love lost and I feel moisture prick the corners of my eyes. I blink to keep the tears at bay.
I don’t want to leave her. A month feels so long. I’ve known what’s coming for years, but it feels sudden all over again. I have a panicking urgency to savor as much time as possible before it’s too late. Before she’s a shell of the mind she once was. I can’t stop living my own life, but for the first time I want to. That scares me a little.
I see the end approaching.
You live this life wanting something, searching for more. To make a difference, to leave a mark, a way to show others that hell yeah, this world contains beauty and I’m part of that. Worthy. What scares me is leaving this world and being forgotten. But what scares me more is being left by everyone I’ve loved. Is life so cruel that it’s my fate to go it alone? My brother’s gone, my dad left, and my mom’s losing her memories.
Carly left too. I still can’t fathom how quickly things changed—from fucking against the door in one of Bedo’s guest rooms to her leaving and wanting nothing to do with me in such a short amount of time. For those few minutes we were together I’d never felt so connected to another person. She was the home I’d been searching for. Not a place, but a soul that recognized and accepted my own.
Fuck that shit. If what we had was real she wouldn’t have run so fast. She would have given me the benefit of the doubt. But maybe her past scares her as much as yours. I shake my head and focus on the road. It’s a good thing I’m going on tour. I need space. I need to move on from her. I won’t beg to be with someone who doesn’t want me. I know my own worth.
I have one more stop before I meet the band at the airport. I follow the familiar route and jog my way inside the looming tower. I’m greeted with strange looks. The day shifters are all different faces and don’t recognize this tatted up rocker.
I open the door to 412 with a knock. Luis’ eyes light up when he lifts them from his cell phone. A woman I’ve never met sits beside him in a chair and types on her laptop.
“I hope it’s okay to visit during regular hours?” I joke, and the woman glances up, her eyes warm with recognition.
“You must be the visitor my son can’t stop talking about.” She sets the computer down and stands. Her dark hair is pulled away from her face and deep circles frame her eyes despite the makeup that covers her skin.
“Mom . . .” Luis looks away. He seems embarrassed.
“I’m Derek Taylor.” I reach out my hand to shake hers and then take the chair on th
e opposite side of the bed.
“I’m going to run downstairs and get some coffee. I need to make a call for work. Give you two some time to hang out.”
“Thanks, Mom,” Luis mutters. When the door clicks shut Luis nods to the television screen. “You wanna play?”
“Yeah. But I need to talk to you about something first.” I’ve been dreading this conversation for days. The chair legs scrape across the floor as I situate my chair to face Luis. I tap my fingers to an anxious beat on my knee.
“Wow, man. This must be serious stuff. Direct eye contact?” Luis’ lips pull up in a forced grin. He straightens his spine and scoots up in the hospital bed. He’s a smart kid. I blow out a breath in an attempt to relax. I don’t want to cause him any more stress than he’s already dealing with.
“I’m leaving today. I’ll be on tour for the next month.” His face falls in disappointment at my words. “I’m sorry, kid. I really like spending time with you, and it sucks that I won’t be able to visit you every night.”
“Oh, yeah. That’s cool.” His eyes cast downward as he fiddles with straightening the blanket over his lap. His shoulders hunch forward. I’ve disappointed him. I feel like a piece of shit.
“Hey. It’ll go by fast. I’ll be back before you know it.” I pat the bed and his gaze snaps to meet mine.
“Thanks for spending time with me. Like, I’m sure hanging out with a dying kid isn’t the most uplifting way to spend your—”
“Shut the fuck up,” I growl. Luis’ eyes widen and the skin where his eyebrows should be pulls into a wrinkle. “No. Seriously, shut the fuck up. You will probably never understand how much our time together means to me.”
“I was only joking.” He quickly apologizes.
“I know, but I’m being real here. You are one of the coolest people I’ve ever met, Luis. And I’ve met a lot of people. Don’t ever doubt that.” He nods and I hope he realizes how much he’s changed me, healed me, shaped me these short few weeks. I doubt he will and I can’t really explain it all anyway. The kid is only fourteen.
“Besides . . .” I grin and reach for the gaming controllers docked by his bedside. “Whose ass would I get to kick in Madden if I hadn’t met you?”
“Now you shut the fuck up!” He laughs and accepts the controller I pass him. “Everyone here knows I’m the one kicking your butt.”
“Whatever, that was one game, and I was really tired,” I defend myself, and Luis’ laughter fills the room. We spend the next half hour smack talking, gaming, and laughing. God, I’m going to miss this kid.
I stand up and stretch my arms over my head. I need to head out now. The thought that this might be the last time we hang out flashes in my mind. I blink back the thought along with the tears that threaten.
“So, I guess this is good-bye?” Luis gazes at the door.
“No.” I say.
“No?” He meets my eyes.
“No good-byes. It’s a see ya later, kid. I don’t do good-byes. I can’t say good-bye.”
“Cool.” Luis nods. “See you later, Derek.”
“You better keep practicing.” I point to the drum sticks on his table.
“I will.”
“And take care of Nurse Carly for me. Give her a hard time every now and then. And make her smile every day.”
“Okay.” His lips pull up.
“And fight like hell, brother.” I lean over the hospital bed and crush him in a hug. I know it violates some sort of guy code but I don’t care. “Kick this cancer’s ass.” I say with conviction.
“You know I’m trying,” he whispers.
“I know, kid. I know.”
ANOTHER WORK WEEK COMPLETE AT the hospital. I wave good-bye to my friends on the day shift and ride the elevator down. Daylight streams through the big glass windows as I slip each arm into my jacket. I’m concentrating on my zipper when I hear my name. Lifting my chin, I find blue eyes and dimples walking my way.
“Garrett.” I smile.
“Carly, I’m so glad I caught you.” He runs a hand through his thick blond locks.
“Did you just get here?” I ask and nod toward the entrance.
“Um, yeah, but I don’t clock in for a few hours. I was hoping to catch you. Maybe we could grab breakfast? That is, if you’re free.”
I pull out my cell. No calls. No texts. No Derek. Shit. I need to stop thinking about him. He’s been on tour for a week. I asked him to leave me alone, and he’s done just that. So why I’m disappointed every time I check my phone and see he hasn’t tried to talk is beyond me. I need to focus on the type of person who fits in my life. Like this gorgeous man standing in front of me.
“Sure. That’d be good.” I shove my phone in my pocket, along with thoughts of my long lost drummer.
“I’ll drive.” Garrett places his hand at my back and we head outside. The cold air kisses the skin of my face and the breeze works a shiver down my spine. I’m such a wimp when it comes to winter. I’m so glad it doesn’t snow here.
Garrett starts his car with a remote and when I slide inside I melt into the heated seat.
“You like?” He laughs after he gets in the driver’s side.
“Oh, these seats are heaven.”
“The control is here. You can adjust the heat.”
He drives us to a little diner five minutes from the hospital that boasts organic eggs and locally grown produce. I order a skillet loaded with bacon, eggs, hash browns and veggies, and a coffee. Garrett orders the veggie breakfast tacos.
“So, how are things going on the oncology floor these days?” Garrett says with a grin while he mixes cream and sugar into his coffee.
Luis’ weary smile flashes in my mind.
I sip my coffee and fight the yawn that threatens. I tap my fingers on the ceramic mug. “It’s been a rough few weeks. One of my favorite patients isn’t having the success we were hoping with his last round of chemo. His team is trying a new mix to stop the cancer from spreading, but I fear there’s no hope.”
“Number one, you can’t get so attached to patients, Carly. The minute you start forming personal connections or bonds you cross the line of professionalism. It’s important to view each case critically to not become emotionally invested.” My eyes snap to meet his bored gaze.
I’m not tired any more. Not one bit. Fire pulses through my veins and I blow out a slow breath as to not bite his fucking head off.
“See. I think that’s the problem with most doctors. You detach yourselves from the fact your patients are real human beings with feelings, and families, and lives outside the hospital walls.” He watches me, and the corners of his mouth pull into a smirk. “I think being personally invested in their care makes me a better nurse. I’m not just there to punch a clock. I take care of my kids as if they were my own.”
Fuck. I’m all wired up now. Our server sets our plates on the table and I try to relax. I shovel a mouthful of food inside rather than continue my rant.
“I think you’re an excellent nurse, Carly. I wasn’t trying to belittle that. I guess I just see personal feelings getting in the way of making the right decisions.” He pauses to lean back in his chair and studies my face. “Have you ever felt that way? I mean in your own life. Have personal feelings about someone swayed you from making a better choice?”
“I don’t know. I’m sure I have.” I play with the ends of my hair before pushing my ponytail back over my shoulder. Garrett’s gaze sharpens before he flashes a charming smile.
“We’ll just agree to disagree. No harm in that.”
We both resume eating and I try to think of something intelligent to ask. He seems distracted, constantly looking around the restaurant between bites of food.
“Do you need to get back soon?” I finally ask and push away my mostly eaten plate.
“Yeah, I do. Thanks for having breakfast with me, Carly. I would love to take you out sometime, outside of our work week. Have a real date.” He laughs and his dimples pop.
“Oh, sure. That
would be nice,” I lie. I’m not sure we actually click. He’s nice to look at and obviously smart and talented, but his words from earlier still piss me off. I’m not sure we’d have much in common. Maybe we’re too different.
“Do you ever have time away from your boys? Does their father have custody?” he asks absently, and counts out cash to pay the bill.
“No. Um, no, he’s not in the picture. It’s just me and the boys.”
He nods and meets my eyes. “Well, then, you’ll have to let me know when you can hire a sitter.”
“Sure,” I mutter and stand from the booth, ready for this breakfast to be over. We walk outside to his car and he opens the door for me. He’s being a perfect gentleman but I don’t feel a spark. There’s no sexual energy pulsing between us, at least on my end.
He pulls back into the hospital parking lot. He lets the car idle in park and turns to face me.
“I’m sorry if I offended you, Carly. I’m opinionated and sometimes I don’t think before I say something that’s better left unsaid.” His blue eyes are almost the color of steel and his lips pull into a hard line.
“No. You’re entitled to your own opinions. It’s just something I feel strongly about, in opposition.” I bite on my lower lip. “Maybe we’re too different? I’m a single mom, on the nursing end, and you’re a single surgeon.”
He reaches out and gently pulls my lip from my teeth with his thumb. The touch sends a jolt of awareness down my spine.
“Don’t say that.” He murmurs and leans forward a few inches. “That’s what I find most attractive about you. That you’re different.”
I lick my lips because it feels as if he’s about to kiss me. Is it wrong I want him to? Just to see if maybe he’s right, that maybe there is something between us to explore. He leans closer, slow and deliberate. He’s centimeters from my lips and my eyes flutter closed.
“Carly?” His breath fans over my face.
“Mmm?” I reply.
“Can I kiss you?” I nod. His lips cover mine and I let him lead the pace. He moves with purpose and a slow sensuality, but when I open my mouth to him he backs away. He’s nothing like Derek. His kiss safe, gentle, and hardly arousing.