Sizzle and Burn

by Lexie Davis

  He watched her gather her clothes, a new set of pajamas, and walk slowly into the bathroom. After he was satisfied she was okay, he left the bedroom in search of something to eat. He wasn’t really hungry, but his stomach ached and he felt weak. He needed some energy and nourishment to keep going.

  “Hey. How is she?” Davis stood in the kitchen, smearing Miracle Whip on two slices of bread.

  “She’s Autumn. Buries everything deep inside until she explodes with emotion.” He took a seat at the bar watching Davis pile turkey on the bread. “She hasn’t talked about it yet. She just cries, which the doctor said was part of the grieving process.”

  He grabbed Davis’ sandwich and started eating. Davis didn’t seem to mind, grabbing two more slices of bread and lunch meat to fix another. “What about you, Jack? Are you doing okay?”

  He chewed slowly. “I’m fine.”

  Davis cleaned up his mess. “You’re allowed to grieve too you know. It was your baby.”

  Jackson stared at his sandwich. “I don’t know what to feel.”

  “Have you told her you love her yet?”

  Jackson shook his head.

  “Why not?”

  “It’s harder than you think,” Jackson said.

  “Don’t push her away, Jack. Withholding that kind of info, including your past, is keeping her at a distance from you. You need to tell her everything.”

  He hadn’t told but two people what happened twenty years ago, and Autumn sure didn’t need that info to worry about on top of everything else. He and Davis finished eating in silence. Davis knew everything about Jackson’s past, as did the Major. Both in a sense helped him through dealing with the pain.

  Autumn came out freshly showered and dressed in her pajamas. Jackson opened his arms to her and pulled her onto his lap while he finished eating.

  “I love you.” He kissed her lips and wrapped his arm around her back, resting his hand on her thigh. “Are you hungry or thirsty?”

  She shook her head, tears forming again. “Do you mean it?”

  “Yes. I love you, Autumn.”

  She hugged him to her, pressing her face against his neck. Jackson met Davis’s eyes. His friend grabbed his sandwich and pointed toward the hallway where he disappeared a few seconds later.

  “You have no idea what that means to me, to hear you say those words.” Tears streaking her cheeks, she smiled and kissed him. “I love you so much.”

  Jackson’s heart broke every time he looked into her eyes. “We need to talk about it, Autumn. We need to talk about losing the baby.”

  She stiffened. “What’s there to talk about? I was pregnant and didn’t even know it. How can you grieve for something you didn’t even know you had?”

  He glanced down. “I’m grieving. Trust me, I never pictured myself as a father, and I sure as hell wasn’t expecting them to say you miscarried but that was my baby inside you. Even if it was so small we couldn’t see it, it was a part of me and you and I’m grieving the loss of that.”

  Autumn withdrew from him and went to the kitchen, snatching a bag of Cheetos with a shaky hand. “It wasn’t my first miscarriage.”

  Jackson stared at the back of her head. “What?”

  “I was pregnant four years ago. I made it to the eleventh week and then I miscarried.”

  “Did you tell anyone?”

  “No. I didn’t show and I didn’t bother to share the info.” She leaned against the counter. “Frank was an ass, and I felt so bad because I was relieved I wouldn’t be having a child with him.”

  Jackson watched her every move letting her sudden bout of information sink into his brain. She was going to have a kid with Gallagher. She miscarried. As wrong as it sounded, he was relived too even though he had no right to be.

  “You went through it alone?”

  She nodded. “I stayed home a couple days. I told Summer that I had a heavy period and that my doctor wanted me off my feet to see if it would lighten up. After that, I went back to work as if nothing happened.”

  Jackson propped his arms on the counter before him. “It’s okay to not want a baby. It’s not your fault you miscarried, Autumn.”

  She leaned her head against the refrigerator. “I know that. It’s just, I wanted a baby with you.”

  It was on the tip of his tongue to tell her they would try again. But while she was being examined, he read the pamphlets the doctors gave him and found out that wasn’t the best way to go about helping her through this. He was at a loss for words.

  “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have put you in this position.” She shook her head and resumed eating her Cheetos.

  “What position?”

  “I’m not making any sense.” She rubbed her forehead with her fingers. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to give me another child because I miscarried the one we didn’t know about. I didn’t plan on it, but it was there evidently. What I’m trying to say is I’ve always wanted you. And I’ve always pictured you as the person I had children with. That’s what I meant when I said I wanted a baby with you. I love you, and I want to share that with you one day.”

  Jackson stood to throw away his trash. “Did you name the other baby?”

  Autumn glanced down at the floor. “No. I wanted it to be a forgotten memory.”

  “And you’re beating yourself up about it, aren’t you?”

  “I can’t change how I feel no matter how much I want to.” When she lifted her head, tears rolled down her cheeks.

  Jackson’s chest ached at the sight of her crying. Where was the damn pamphlet on this? “It’s okay, Autumn.” He pulled her to him. “You weren’t ready for a child and that’s okay.”

  “It still hurts.”

  They held each other until he finally picked her up in his arms and carried her back to the bedroom. He wrapped the sheets around her and stood back to strip himself of his clothing, leaving his boxers on. Then, he crawled in bed and wrapped his arms around her again, his head resting against her stomach.

  “I’m sorry I’ve cried on you all day. I know how much you hate tears.” Autumn’s fingers combed through his hair. “I’m also sorry I keep picking fights with you.”

  “It’s okay to cry. Cry as much as you need to. I’m right here ready to hold you tight and kiss away your tears.” Jackson pressed his lips against her stomach. “And forget about all the other shit. It’s all in the past.”

  “It just seems like my life is crashing down before me, and I don’t know how to stop it. I’ve never played the pity party, but I really want a break. Just one day that is perfect, where nothing goes wrong.”

  Jackson lifted his head and looked up at her. “Tomorrow will be our day. Whatever you want to do, okay.”

  Autumn brushed her thumb across his cheek. “Can we name the baby? I mean I know it sounds corny, but I think the least the little life deserves is a name.”

  “What name did you have in mind?”

  “My mom bought me a doll when I was seven and I named her Peyton Reilly. I played with her constantly to the point that Peyton Reilly became part of the Callahan family.” She smiled. “It’s a unisex name so it would fit either a girl or boy.”

  “Peyton Reilly, it is.”

  “Do you want children, Jackson?”

  He sat up and grabbed a pillow to prop himself up with. “I don’t know how to be a father. I’m afraid I’ll screw up since I didn’t exactly have the best example.”

  “I think you’ll make a great father.”

  Jackson recalled his past in a flashback. His mother screaming, his father repeating horrible names. The beatings. “There’s a lot you don’t know, Autumn. A lot I don’t talk about with anyone.”

  “Tell me.” She ran her hand along his chest. “Trust me with your story.”

  Jackson shook his head. He couldn’t do it. Not after all they’ve been through in the past twenty-four hours. “I’ve dealt with enough emotions today. I really don’t want to talk about my past.”

  Autumn gaze
d at him, drawing circles around his navel with her finger. “Are you sure? It might help with some of the pain you’re going through if you talk about it. I’ve got two shoulders for you to cry on, or a pillow you can punch.”

  He smiled. “I haven’t cried since I was nine.”

  She rolled to her side, propping her head up on her hand. “Maybe it’s time you did then.” She kissed his chest. “ It’s okay to cry. You can cry as much as you need to because I’m right here ready to hold you tight and kiss your tears away.”

  Autumn rested her chin against his chest. He looked down at her. She was beautiful in his eyes. Her face was free of makeup, a rare feature itself. She stared up at him with deep blue eyes that mesmerized him each and every time he looked into them. He wasn’t kidding about getting lost in their depths. He lifted her chin and pressed a kiss to her lips.

  “I’ll take you up on that some other time.”

  They spent the rest of the night talking about his life over the years. Not his past or his parents but his missions and his achievements as a soldier. He told her about the trip to the Amazon and about the rebuilding effort going on in Africa. They spent hours talking about the summer they spent together and the fun things that happened. Autumn started to smile again, and that was the only thing he wanted. He hadn’t seen that smile in several days and missed it.

  Finally, when she decided they should go to sleep it was well past three in the morning. She flipped off all the lights and crawled between Jackson’s legs to lay her head on his stomach. They were silent for a while, nothing but the sound of cicadas singing outside her bedroom window. The moonlight cast a glow of light inside her room. Soon the sun would be rising and their perfect day would begin.

  “Jackson?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Everything will work out won’t it?”

  He smoothed a hand over her hair. “Yes. Everything will work out. I promise you, so don’t worry about it.”

  Chapter Fourteen

  Davis woke Jackson up around seven the next morning, tapping him on the shoulder. “I need to talk to you.”

  Jackson glanced down at Autumn sprawled out across his body, her head on his stomach. “I can’t get up. Can it wait?”

  He shook his head. “I’ll be in the living room.”

  After Jackson moved Autumn to her pillow, he covered her and kissed her before following Davis, closing the door behind him when he went. He yawned and sat in the recliner, waiting for his friend to start talking.

  “They made an arrest but the prick will make bond. He has an alibi for the time of the fire so that cuts him out of the arson charge, but they received an anonymous tip he’s running a dog fighting ring. They found the ring and a few pit bulls so they charged him with that while they continue to investigate. It’s really looking like a long shot though since no one actually saw a dog fight. He might walk free and clear.”

  “Fuck.” Jackson ran his hands over his face. “That’s not what I wanted to hear this morning.”

  “He’s paying them off.” Davis flopped down on the couch. “The only way someone that shady can evade the law is to buy it.”

  Jackson agreed. “Do me a favor. Don’t tell your sister today. We’re supposed to have a planned ‘good’ day, and this will only make it shitty.”

  “How’s she doing?”

  “Good. We stayed up talking and she actually started smiling again. The poor girl has had more than her fair share of downs lately. I promised her we’d have a fun day today so if anything happens talk to me about it and not her.”

  Davis nodded. “And what about you? Are you suppressing your feelings or are you really doing okay?”

  His best friend knew him well. “I’m fine. I was a little shaken and shell-shocked, but I’m fine. She wanted to name it and we chose the name Peyton Reilly.”

  Davis smiled. “That was the name of her favorite doll.”

  Jackson nodded. “Anyway, it’s a unisex name and gives us a memory of the small baby’s life. No matter how short it was.”

  Davis stared at Jackson for a while not saying a word. The two had been through thick and thin together, each seeing the other at his worst as well as his best. Jackson had been there when Davis got shot and everyone thought he’d bleed out before they got him to the hospital in Iraq. Jackson donated blood to save his friend’s life and it only brought them closer.

  Davis, however, had been there in Jackson’s darkest moments, on every anniversary of his mother’s death. After Jackson got drunk and passed out in his own vomit, Davis had been the one who carried him back to his room, cleaned him up, and poured gallons of coffee down his throat so he wouldn’t get in trouble with the commanding officers the next day.

  In their own way, they were a team. They were partners in crime and best friends all other times. And they each shared a love for Autumn that was indescribable.

  “Do you realize what the other day was?” Davis asked.

  Jackson thought back. The days were running together in his mind. “No. What?”

  “The anniversary of your mother’s death.” Davis leaned forward, propping his elbows on his knees. “Maybe you should go to her grave.”

  “I can’t.” Jackson stood and escaped toward the kitchen. “Autumn will be with me. I promised nothing bad would happen today. Visiting my mother’s grave is anything but a fun time.”

  “You haven’t been to see her in years, Jackson. It won’t hurt you to pay your respects. Plus, it gives you an opening to tell Autumn about your past.” Davis followed him, heading straight to the refrigerator for a soda.

  “It’s not happening, Davis, so drop it.”

  “What’s not happening?” Autumn came around the corner, hair tousled from sleep and a frown on her face.

  Davis popped the top of his can. “Jack just woke up on the wrong side of bed this morning. He’s grouchy.”

  Autumn rubbed her eyes and yawned. “We stayed up late last night. I suppose he has right.”

  Davis shrugged. “He likes to think so.” He walked over to her and wrapped his arms around her. “How are you feeling?”

  “I’m fine. Your niece or nephew’s name is Peyton Reilly. We named the baby last night.” She leaned against him, depending on his strength to keep her upright.

  “So I guess Peyton Reilly did make it to being a part of the Callahan family.” Davis kissed her temple. “She used to carry that ugly doll around and make each one of us treat it like it was her child. I can’t count how many times I had to change its diaper.”

  Autumn nodded, glancing down. Jackson knew the tears were about to fall from the look on her face and decided to change the subject. “So what did you have planned for us to do?”

  She blinked them back. “I want to go bowling.”

  “Oh, have you ever played Jackson in a game of bowling? The boy needs bumpers to get the ball to the pins.” Davis stepped away and grabbed his drink. He glanced over at Jackson. “And my sister was the best in the league.”

  Autumn met his eyes. “If you don’t want to, that’s fine. We’ll do something else.”

  “Bowling is fine.” Jackson gave Davis a look, warning him to shut his big fat mouth. “Gives me an excuse to have you teach me.”

  Autumn seemed happy enough with that and went to get ready. Jackson rubbed his brow. “Davis, do me a favor and keep your big mouth shut.”

  “What did I do?”

  “She’s still sensitive about the baby. Just don’t talk about it unless she brings it up.”

  Davis waved him off and parked his butt on the couch again.

  He knew a million and one things were going through her mind. Not only was she grief-stricken, she saw Peyton as the child she always wanted, the child she’d never get to know. Jackson saw it in her eyes when Davis talked about her doll, making fun of it almost subconsciously mocking her. He knew he meant well, but sometimes Davis just didn’t use his brain.

  * * * *

  Autumn held Jackson’s hand as they wal
ked through the park. Davis was right, Jackson needed kiddie bumpers. She smiled at the act he put on, knowing full and well he only wanted her to guide him. He probably thought it made her feel needed.

  “You’re a terrible liar.” She pulled him to a cozy remote area where they could sit in the grass and watch the geese swim on the lake. “I know your hiding something from me. Might as well spill it.”

  Jackson sat with her between his legs, arms holding her close. “I was just thinking.”

  “About what? The baby?”

  He pressed his face into her neck. “Among other things.”