by Ryan Attard
No one stepped forward, so I felt I had to take the reins.
"Hi," I said, extending a hand towards the new angel in town.
Raphael looked at my hand, glared, then looked at Jehudiel, and finally settled with glaring at me.
"Erik Ashendale. You are the one I am supposed to be helping." He scoffed. "I do not need your help in carrying out my tasks, human. Make sure to stay clear of my path and all would be well."
There were a few things that piss me off on a major scale and this clown just hit all of them in less than three seconds. So I did the one thing I knew would annoy him to no end. Guys like him need to recognized, to stand out from the rest of the herd. He had already screwed up once and got told off by his superior. Now he was looking to belittle me.
So I completely ignored him and addressed Jehudiel. "So what's this bozo supposed to be doing here, anyway?"
Jehudiel held up his hand to placate the fight I was itching to start. "I do not know. No one does. We simply feel a calling and follow it."
"Just like taking a dump, huh?" Amaymon quipped. He stepped up to Raphael, with Abi close behind him, albeit staying partially hidden behind the demon. "Y'all know who I am, right?"
I hadn’t thought Raphael had a different expression other than scowling. Turned out he did. His face twisted with sheer disgust.
"An abomination from a long-lost time," he spat with pure venom. "Give me a reason why I shouldn't smite you where you stand, demon scum."
Amaymon shrugged. "'Cause I'd wipe the floor with you?"
That made Raphael back down. Whatever issues this guy had, at least he knew a lost battle when he saw one. "Yes. You are far more powerful than I am. But still, even crippling you would bring great glory to Heaven."
"Aww, look who's got daddy issues."
"You dare mention the Creator's name in vain?"
"Raphael." Jehudiel's voice made us all flinch. "Stand down. This demon is an ally of the human, who in turn is an ally of Heaven. We must abide by the rules of this plane if we are to succeed."
Raphael looked at his superior. "Is this what you did last time? Ally with humans and demons? That is not the way of Heaven."
Amaymon tutted and let out a laugh. "They got your ass wired real tight up there, don't they?" He grinned maliciously at the angel. "Now heel, bitch."
"Amaymon," I said, pulling him away. "Can you not annoy the angels, please?"
He gave me a delighted smile. "You remember the last person who said that? And to whom?"
I had a flashback of being berated by my sister on a cruise ship for telling dumb jokes to two low-rank angels loaned to her by Heaven for her protection. The memory made me groan.
"Yep," Amaymon said. "You're turning into your sister."
"How is it that you managed to piss off every single person here in less than a minute?"
"He hasn’t pissed me off," Abi said. "Yet."
"That's because you're the one with the boobs," I replied.
"Hey!"
"No, no, he's right," Amaymon said, grinning perversely at her.
"Okay, now you've pissed me off," she said.
"Full house, baby."
I pushed him aside and went back to the angels.
"Listen up," I said, specifically glaring at Raphael. "I'm the one in charge here. You don't like it, go back to where you came from. You wanna help, you do it my way. Not Heaven's way. Not his way." I pointed at Jehudiel. "My way. Got it?"
"How dare you speak to me like-”
"What was that?" I interrupted, pointing at my ear.
"Raphael," Jehudiel said. "Perhaps it would be best if you and Erik got along. It would make your assignment easier to complete."
Raphael nodded reluctantly. "Fine, human," he said with a tone that indicated he wanted nothing better than to wrench my head off and use it as a football. "I will stay by your side and allow you to guide me. But when we encounter the Sin, you shall let me deal with it."
"All yours," I replied, extending my hand out again. Hey, if this guy wanted to deal with an all-powerful demon instead of me, all the better. The way I saw it, Earth shouldn't even be involved in this mess in the first place. "And here on Earth, we shake hands when we reach an agreement."
Slowly, he grasped my hand. It occurred to me that this was probably his first time shaking hands with someone. Angels were a completely different species, living in a completely different world.
What would happen if I took this guy to Vegas?
I waved the thought away and shook his hand. "And the name is Erik. This is the part where you tell me your name."
"But you already know my name."
"Humor me."
"What?"
Holy crap, this was tiring. "Just do it anyway," I said.
He shrugged. "Raphael."
"Pleased to meet you, Raphael. Now let's go hunt some demons."
Chapter 7
With a group like ours, hiking for two hours in silence was pretty much impossible.
I mean, there was Amaymon, who was constantly looking for something to amuse him, and anything could set him off. And on the off-chance he was quiet, that's when I began worrying.
Raphael was the equivalent of a captured predator, always looking around. He could be thinking anything in that twisted brain of his, from ways to help us out, to how to murder us in our sleep. Still wasn't sure about that one. However, he certainly wasn't going to start talking. As far he was concerned, we were nothing more than a guidepost, telling him where to go so that he could complete his mission and get out of this place.
And then there was yours truly. I was possibly the most introverted person you could come across, and something of a nervous talker. Although to be honest, just walking through Trinity forest was enough to render me speechless, as I was enraptured by memories. As a kid, I had loved running around this place. And I had had Gil with me, although she mostly brought books and quietly read while I scouted ahead. I loved doing that, just me and nature. None of those dumbass people, asking stupid questions, looking for someone to solve all their problems because they were too lazy to do anything about it themselves. No cars, no cell phones, no worries of any sort. Nature didn't care about your sorry-ass problems and neither did I.
So in this case I was more than happy to just walk in silence.
The one who did crave conversation was Abi. She walked next to Raphael and pelted him with questions. I guess her inquisitive mind was never content with the abrupt answers he kept giving her. I smiled as they chatted behind me. During our lessons she was always asking questions, which meant I always had to have an answer to feed her, even if it was a diversion. I guess all students are the same and the ones who didn't ask questions were either dumb or confident enough to be able to find the answers by themselves. Knowing full well that Abi would try to get answers herself, and break my stuff in the process, I had opted to act as her supernatural version of Wikipedia.
I slowed my pace enough to eavesdrop on them and watch Raphael sweat under the constant barrage. This was fun. Who knew all it took to make an angelic superpower nervous was a perky redhead with a boatload of questions?
This particular round of the quiz was about something philosophical. I didn't quite get the beginning but I did hear Raphael try to explain the nature of existence. I guess he was talking from an angel's perspective, because the answer he gave was pure bullshit.
"We are based on optimum functionality, each with a specific use. We are all synchronized, acting as one. As such we have no flaws," he told Abi. "That is the nature of a society and that is the nature of Heaven."
"But that doesn't make any sense," she countered. "What you're describing is something that simply cannot work. Even if you were that efficient, the fact that you are so good will eventually begin to decay your productivity. That, by its own definition, is the antithesis of synchronicity. Your society would fail simply because you can't keep up with it."
Raphael shook his head. "You are judging us by hu
man standards. There is a reason why angels are above humans. We have achieved perfection. Anything less than that is simply cast out and replaced with a more efficient model."
"What about individuality?" I asked. I know, I surprised myself too. I guess I got a little too absorbed in their conversation.
Angels were some of the most secretive guys out there. Think the NSA, CIA, and the Freemasons all rolled in one. Heck, I had been in this business for nearly a decade and only last year I actually got to interact with one of them. It was in my blood to be interested in all things supernatural. Whether I liked it or not, I am an Ashendale and we lived off of this stuff.
"Yeah," I said, as if trying to reassure my right to ask a question. "What about individuality? You guys are all different. When I saw you and Jehudiel it was too evident. So what's the deal there? If you're all different, then you're just like us."
Raphael cocked his head amusingly. "Jehudiel and I may have different traits but we are no different in function. Individuality implies an individual, the utmost form of selfishness. And while, as you said, we are all unique and autonomous, we are not capable of individuality."
"You're a hive mind?"
"Of course not. We simply share and follow the greater good as dictated by our Creator. We understand our purpose, Wizard, and we are completely devoted to that purpose. There are no individuals in Heaven. A lone entity has no place in perfection."
"Will you stop throwin' that word around, you moron?" Amaymon had returned and apparently decided to weigh in on the argument in his own tactful fashion.
He stepped in front of the angel, just enough to interrupt his regular pace. "Wake up and smell the coffee, Featherface. Ain't nothin' perfect in this universe. Not the angels, not demons, not even these meatheads. Hell, not even someone as super-awesome as I am," he said as he opened his arms wildly, hitting me in the shoulder and nearly whipping the angel in the face.
"I thought you said you were awesome," I said. "When did you go super?"
"Got a promotion last week," he shot back. "I got more awesome on top of my already large pile of awesome. You had to be there."
"You can evolve?" I asked, half-joking. "You mean, can you learn shit? Like, not watching pay-per-view porn?"
"Yes, I can but I won't," he said with a shrug. "You won't get me a hooker and the only succubus around is off-limits."
"Hey!" Abi interjected. "I have a name."
"And I have needs," Amaymon replied with mock exasperation.
"You're a cat. You can lick your own balls," I said. "Besides didn't you say change is a human thing?"
"Nah, I said what you think is change is human," he explained. "Perspective and emotion: those are human areas. But pure change, nah. Change is the very essence of chaos. And chaos—well, that's demon turf."
***
The one thing I was really looking forward to was introducing Raphael to Gil. When my sister was in a bad mood, she made me look like a Girl Scout. Even in her neutral state, Gil was snobby, dismissive, and cold. I couldn't wait until Raphael tried his holier-than-thou shit on her and got his head bitten off. Must be some kind of record to get owned by two pixie-sized girls in one afternoon.
She was standing in front of the mansion gate and I pitched up to her, grinning like an idiot.
"Hey Gil, wanna meet an angel?"
She strode past me, walked up to Raphael, and bowed her head slightly. "I was expecting you, emissary of Heaven."
"The warlock," Raphael acknowledged.
"How the hell did you know he would show up?" I asked her. I couldn't hide the disappointment in my voice.
I was so looking forward to watching Raphael squirm, but the universe wouldn't even give me that one.
Instead, Gil cocked one eyebrow at me. "It's my business to know. Now come inside."
We followed her through the mansion gates and through the front doors. The entrance was busy, with maids and servants running about like ants. Once they saw us approaching, they disappeared inside adjoining rooms.
Once inside Gil pointed at the coat hanger. "That's for you, Erik."
I followed the direction she was pointing at and laid eyes on something truly beautiful. It was a black leather coat, with a series of intricate sewing lines decorating the garment with various symbols and markings, giving it a dramatic feel. As I pulled it off the hanger, the faintest tinge of leather filled my nostrils, and the material felt soft and sleek against my fingers.
"That's real leather," Gil said. "A few dead monsters gave their hides to make that, but one cannot argue with the quality of the end result. Happy birthday, brother."
I removed the dark brown aviator jacket I had been forced to wear since the Pyromancer melted my previous trench coat and put on this new thing of beauty. It was cool and light, and fit me like a second skin.
"I didn't get you anything," I said, suddenly feeling guilty—and more than a little confused. The last time my sister and I exchanged gifts was for our fifteenth birthday. By the time we turned sixteen, everything had gone down the crapper.
Gil waved me off.
"I didn't know it was your birthday," Abi said.
"It's not," I replied. "Not technically." Feeling the need to elaborate I looked my apprentice in the eye and said, "Our birthday is on the twenty-ninth of February. I get an actual birth day every four years."
"Wow. How does that work?"
"I host a cocktail party on either the twenty-eight, or the first of March," Gil replied. "To which I invite Erik every single year."
"And I keep telling you," I said, "I don't celebrate birthdays."
"Why not?" Abi asked.
"When we were born, our mother died," I replied, with a look that told her to drop the subject.
Ever since finding my mother's coffin and the whole deal with our father and Crowley plotting to kill us, I always remembered it as 'the day my mother died' rather than 'the day I showed up.'
"Living in the past will kill you, Erik," Gil chided.
"Look who's talking," I said, pointing at the olive-green cloak she had draped around her shoulders. It hugged her body like a cape, with an intricate white-gold clasp on the front. "You can't get more old school than that."
The first warlock leaders used to wear cloaks to symbolize different clans. And when the last warlock clan—the Ashendales, my ancestors—died out, that practice died with them. This was one of Gil's efforts to amalgamate the old traditions with new ones. Although I had no idea what the color was supposed to mean. Maybe my sister just had a weird fashion sense.
"Do humans always banter uselessly like this?" Raphael asked.
"Yeah," Amaymon replied. "Helps fill their short, meaningless lives."
"Thanks, man," I said, cocking an eyebrow. "But Chuckles over there is right," I continued, nodding at the angel. "Don't we have a couple of dimensions to keep from smashing into each other or something?"
My sister nodded. "We've had reports of geo-thermal activity and tectonic plate shifting."
"English, please."
"The Earth is shifting because something that doesn't belong is forcing its way in," Gil explained in her most patronizing voice. "We've also noticed something else. An electromagnetic signal is being transmitted before every shift."
"Someone is using a computer to make this happen?" Abi asked.
"Must be one hell of a computer," I added. "So basically if we find the source of the signal, we find the entire setup. We take it out, and no more dimensions bumping into each other. Problem solved, right?"
Gil rolled her eyes. "Very crudely put, but yes."
"Is the Sin responsible for this?" Raphael's voice had a menacing tone to it, as if the guy was actively looking for a fight.
"It is possible," Gil said. "I don't know."
"Only one way to find out," I said. "Where's the signal coming from?"
"Chicago."
"Chicago Park?" As I said that I began making calculations: couple hours' drive, maybe get a motel somewhe
re. If all went well, it would be over in a few days and, the best part, it was close by. "Good," I said. "I hate traveling."
"No, Erik," Gil said, shaking her head. Was she smirking? "Chicago. The city."
I blinked at her twice. My hopes for a comfortable drive and maybe a long weekend were taking a while to fully shatter.
"Chicago?" I echoed. My sister nodded. She was definitely smirking now.
"Oh, good," I said, my voice full of sarcasm. "I'm so glad it's somewhere close by."
Chapter 8
If it weren't for the load of information Gil insisted we look at and the incessant talking between Abi and Jack, it would have been a relaxing flight. But I could forget relaxing when I was with this crew.
Gil had us all board her private jet. When the hell did she get a private jet? I mean, I remembered a limo and a lot of those military trucks, but a freaking jet?
Jack had joined us for this one. It had been a while since I'd seen the metal elemental, what with him practically running a blacksmith's shop and all. Last I had spoken to him, he was making his employer, a grizzled old gunsmith by the name of Bob, swear in awe as the kid whipped up gun after gun after a few hours of studying the blueprints. He was one of my proudest achievements. When I first met him, Jack was a street kid, hired by my own sister to stall me. And by stall me I mean use various metallic weapons generated from his blood to cripple me. I took a chance on him and it paid off. He'd been my second apprentice for a few months before Abi became too... distracting for him. Besides, the kid had no actual magic powers, not in the spell-casting sense, anyway. All elementals need is practice, not the textbook kind of training Abi needed at the time. So I let him do his thing on his own and checked up on him every couple of months. Without a succubus around, the kid had progressed well. I didn't blame him, though. Abi was a walking distraction to anyone with a functioning libido.
But I called him up for this mission. Usually I could handle Abi and Amaymon, but with a psycho angel around, there were just one too many loose ends to this case than I was usually comfortable with.