Not because I was sad but because my emotions were all over the place. One minute I was riding the rollercoaster to the top of the first hill. This generally happens when Quinn is kissing me. Touching me. Sitting close to me like he is right now. Then I reach the climax, but before I have time to prepare, my emotions are on a downward spiral. I’m being pushed back against my seat, pulled away from Quinn. The force of the sudden change presses against my chest, stealing my breath.
This happens over and over again. The highs and lows. Ups and downs. I have no idea what is going to happen next. There’s no way to get ahead of the twists and turns in front of me. And as much fun as the ride has been, as surprising and revelatory, I can’t keep riding the rollercoaster that this has turned out to be.
I won’t survive.
I’m ready to get off.
Off the ride, I chastise myself when heat rises to my cheeks. Thankfully it’s perfectly timed to the scene where Leo and Kate are in the underbelly of the ship, in the back seat of the car, steaming up the windows.
“I forgot how good this movie is,” Quinn notes as he stretches his arms above his head.
Instead of answering him, I take the opportunity to reposition myself against his chest before he can pull his arms down. Mainly as a way to hide my blush but also because I didn’t think about how much nudity and sex there was in this movie. I was more focused on length than subject.
And there goes my dirty mind again.
When he finishes stretching, he wraps one arm around me and tugs me closer, as if that was his intended plan all along. We sit comfortably like that until the credits roll. Neither of us makes a move to get up, to go to his room. Midnight has come and gone. I didn’t sleep well last night, and if he feels even a fracture of the exhaustion I feel right now, sleep is inevitable.
As long as we can get past the uncomfortable moment we crawl into bed together.
“Should we . . .” Quinn finally says, his voice trailing off.
“I don’t know about you, but I’m tired,” I state, keeping my eyes trained on the tiny words scrolling across the screen.
We make our way up the stairs but before we make it to his room, Kara appears in the hall in the same outfit she was wearing when she got out of the shower. In all honesty, I’d assumed she left earlier when we slipped inside his room. We hadn’t seen or heard her all night. Tess still hasn’t shown her face.
The point of me staying over was to flaunt our relationship in front of them. So they would believe we were a real couple. Kara has her doubts. She wasn’t afraid to divulge that bit of information to me earlier. I have no idea what Tess is thinking at this point, but she and Kara are probably on the same page.
“Turning in for the night?” she asks, her attention focused solely on Quinn.
“We are. I didn’t realize you were here. I assumed you had to work.”
“Took the night off to study for my exam on Monday.”
I bet she did. I’m sure it had nothing to do with the fact I was staying over. That I was going to be here all night. Or that she’s jealous of my relationship with Quinn.
She has a test. That has to be it.
Even my thoughts are dripping with sarcasm at her answer.
“I guess we’ll see you in the morning, then,” Quinn replies, then opens his door, flips on the lights, and usher me into his room, his hand at the small of my back. As soon as he closes the door behind us, he pulls me close, wrapping his arms around me and holding me gently.
“It’s working,” I say to fill the silence.
“What?”
“She’s jealous. That’s what you wanted, right? For her to want you. For her to be ready to pick up the pieces of your broken heart when we break up.” Saying the words out loud, knowing that he’s going to run into Kara’s open arms soon, hurts more that I want to admit to myself. “The plan may not have been perfect, but it worked none the less.”
“Yes, yes, it did. And it was even easier to get under Gavin’s skin.”
His voice takes on a tone that I can’t interpret, and when he releases me from his arms, I don’t get a chance to sneak a peek at his expression.
Without another word, Quinn begins stripping off his clothes. Once he’s in only his boxers, with his back to me, he crawls under the covers and then pats the mattress next to him.
Not wanting to change in front of him, I flip off his light and attempt to navigate his room in the dark. I left my bag in front of his dresser earlier, so I head in that direction and, once I locate it, begin blindly pulling out what I think are my yoga pants and a tank top.
Slipping off my jeans, I’m about to step out of them when I accidentally kick something and stumble backward, landing hard on my ass. The light overhead turns on seconds later, and then Quinn’s face is blocking the beam that was burning my eyes.
“Want a hand?”
No, I don’t. I want him to turn the light off again so I can hide my embarrassment. And my lower half that happens to be only covered by my thong right now.
When I don’t answer, Quinn slides his arms behind my knees and back and easily lifts me off the ground before setting me on the edge of his bed. He kneels in front of me, removing my foot that was stuck in my jeans causing me to trip. He then reaches up and grips the hem of my shirt.
As if on autopilot, I raise my arms over my head, and Quinn removes my shirt, tossing it over his shoulder once it’s free.
“You are so beautiful, you know that?” His voice is barely above a whisper, but I hear him perfectly clear and my entire body flushes at his words.
Standing to his full height, Quinn looks down at me for a moment before moving to turn off the light and then crawling back under the covers.
“Come on,” he urges. “Get up here. I know you’re tired.”
Does he expect me to sleep in only my underwear and bra? Because that’s a bad idea. Awful. Horrible. Probably the worst idea I can think of right now. Not to mention, I can’t sleep in my bra. It’s uncomfortable and there’s no way I’m taking it off if I don’t have another way to cover myself.
As the thought crosses my mind, I feel the bed shift and then soft fabric lands on my head, startling me.
He’s thrown me one of his t-shirts to sleep in. How he knew I wasn’t comfortable is beyond me, but I’m grateful none the less.
Standing, I pull it over my head. The hem lands just above my knees, covering everything important. After unhooking my bra, I reach inside the sleeves of the shirt and pull down the straps, eventually removing my bra and tossing it toward where my bag should be.
When I finally crawl under the covers, I attempt to keep my distance from Quinn, knowing the only things that will be separating our bodies will be thin strips of fabric that are easily removed. He’s not having it, though, and he pulls me toward him, rolling me so I’m snuggled perfectly against his body.
I feel every inch of him. And there’s not a single place that isn’t hard as stone. It’s odd that I find myself as comfortable as I do considering our predicament. And within minutes, keeping my eyes open is the only challenge I face. Because being wrapped in Quinn’s arms not only makes me feel safe but it allows me to relax. It allows my mind to push away the uncertainty of everything going on, and I find my inner calm.
Chapter Twenty
QUINN
If falling asleep with Gabby in my arms is the definition of bliss, waking up to her snuggled against my body, in my shirt, her legs intertwined with mine, hair splayed across my chest is what it must feel like if I’ve died and gone to heaven.
Light is filtering in through the blinds, making me wonder how late we’ve slept in. After reaching for my cell phone, I turn it over. It’s close to ten o’clock already. I was planning on taking Gabby out for breakfast this morning, but it looks like I’m going to have to settle for lunch.
“Go back to sleep,” Gabby mumbles against my chest, causing me to chuckle. She sounds so adorable in the morning. Half awake, a hint of a whine in h
er voice.
“I was thinking of feeding you again unless you’d rather spend all day in bed,” I reply as Gabby shifts her leg, stopping suddenly. I’m not sure if it was the mention of staying in bed or the fact her knee brushed against my morning erection, but her entire body tenses. “I’m hungry, so you’re welcome to stay here, but I need food. You don’t want to see me hangry.”
Carefully rolling away, Gabby’s brushes her hair out of her face and smiles up at me. “Oh yeah? What are you like when you’re hangry?”
“Impossible to please,” I begin, adjusting myself so I’m facing her, resting my head in my hand. “A real dick to be around until I get what I want.”
“And food will keep you happy?”
Food and her. That’s all I need to survive, I think to myself. And maybe a shower so she won’t leave me. Right now, a very cold, refreshing shower will take care of more than I care to admit.
“Yep. Get dressed. I’m going to shower, and then we can go.” Tossing back the covers, I almost don’t catch her remark.
You’re not the only one that needs a shower.
“Did you want to join me?” I tease.
“No, but I’d like to take a shower too. At least to rinse off. You’re warm. I woke up sweating last night and had to scoot away from you.”
“And yet you were fast asleep in my arms when I woke up,” I point out, a grin slowly spreading across my face at the memory of waking up with her body entangled with mine.
Gabby rolls her eyes at me as she stands, tugging the hem of my shirt down to make sure she’s covered. I like how she looks in my clothes. It turns me on knowing that the only thing she has on underneath is a pair of underwear. A thin piece of fabric that I could easily tear from her body if she’d let me.
Unable to stand up at the moment, I pull the covers back over me, scoot to a sitting position, and motion toward the door. “You can go first.”
“Are you sure?” she asks, excitement in her voice. When I nod, she doesn’t hesitate to grab her bag and bolt for the door. It’s not until I hear the shower turn on that I notice her discarded bra on the floor. She’s going to need that. I should probably take it to her, but I’m still not in a position to stand, and staring at her bra isn’t helping my situation.
I stand under the ice-cold spray until I can’t feel my toes. Gabby is knocking on the bathroom door, urging me to hurry the hell up, as I shut the water off. Wrapping a towel around my waist, I tug the door open and find her waiting for me across the hall, leaning against the wall casually. She’s dressed in dark skinny jeans, a tight sweater, and tall boots. Her hair is pulled into a knot on the top of her head. It’s messy, but I think that’s the way it’s supposed to look.
“It’s about time.”
“You act like I’ve been in there for hours.”
“I think thirty minutes is plenty long enough to get clean.”
Damn. I didn’t realize I was in there that long.
“I guess it’s a good thing I went first or there wouldn’t have been any hot water left for me,” she says, pushing off the wall and tugging her overnight bag higher on her shoulder. If she knew how cold of a shower I just took, her smile would be ten times the size it already is. “I’ll be downstairs.”
As she disappears from view, the click of her heels on the hardwood fading, I try and regain my focus on the day ahead of us. I’m taking her to lunch. A date. A real one where I open the door for her, pull out her chair, and ensure she feels special.
I’m doing this for her. It’s not for show or to prove to people that we’re dating. It’s not an act. I’m doing this because she deserves it. And honestly, I’m doing it for myself too.
I want to know what it feels like to be on a date with her. To have her arm looped through mine. For people to look up and admire us together. Whisper to each other that we’re a cute couple. People who have no stake in our relationship or any reason to care if we’re together or not.
Selfish is the first word that comes to mind as I drop my towel to rummage through my drawers for a clean pair of socks. Selfish for wanting to be with her. Selfish for not telling her how I really feel.
Most of all, selfish for getting us in this mess in the first place. It’s the truth, after all. I wanted Kara so badly I basically extorted Gabby’s despair and promised her she’d have everything she’d ever dreamed of. She’d win Gavin back. Her future would be bright again.
At the root of all those promises was a vision I had of something similar. A life with Kara. One where she was as in love with me as I thought I was with her.
What I didn’t realize at the time, was that by making someone else jealous, the feelings they were experiencing weren’t love. Lust, maybe. Desire, probably. But love is not an emotion you can control. You love with your heart, with your soul, with every fiber in your body. You have to be willing to share all of yourself with the other person.
Your darkest secrets and biggest dreams. Without fear.
When I think back on the summer we spent together, the four of us seemed to share everything with each other. There were no secrets between us. I know Gabby’s dream is to one day own her own business, to be her own boss. She had no idea what kind of business she wanted to run back then but was confident she’d figure it out.
Her biggest fear was failure, the same as me, and most other people I know. Well, they’re either afraid of failure or death. Death is the only certainty in life. In my opinion, there’s no reason to fear it. Your time will come when it comes. I’d rather spend my life living each day as if it were my last than to spend that time worrying it could be my last.
There was even one night when we all went around and talked about the things in life that we didn’t want anyone else to know. We swore each other to secrecy and have never spoken again about that night.
For me, it was the date I ran out on. It’s the one thing in life I’m most ashamed of. If I could do it over again, I’d react differently.
Jade talked about losing her virginity and the nightmare that it was. Nathan told us about a prank he pulled on a teacher in high school that caused her to be so scared she fell and broke her leg.
It was Gabby’s story that shook me the most.
Her parents had gotten divorced when she was seven. As far as she knew, her father had cheated on her mother and her mother took her and left. Hence her aversion to cheating and everything it stands for. In her mind, the affair had destroyed her mother. She never remarried, never dated.
It wasn’t until she was twelve that she learned the truth.
Her father worked for the government and was put on special assignment overseas. He was only supposed to be gone for a few months so Gabby and her mother stayed behind. After a year, it became clear that his assignment was more complicated than originally anticipated and he was going to have to stay for a while. In order to protect his cover and her daughter, Gabby’s mom made up a story to tell the family and moved her and Gabby across the country.
She was waiting for her husband to come home. Waiting for his assignment to end so she could reunite her family. When the day finally came, Gabby was so distraught after not seeing her father for five years, thinking the worst of him, she ran away from home. She didn’t have all the details, only what was whispered around her about her father around the Holidays.
Gabby spent six days living on the streets before her parents found her and told her the truth. She was sworn to secrecy about her father’s job and asked to stick with the lie her mother had told. She had to play along with it, tell her family that her mother had forgiven her father. That she had forgiven him.
Lying was against everything she believed in, but she went along with it because, according to her, the lie wasn’t hurting anyone. We were the first people she told about what really happened, and that was only after we all swore each other to secrecy.
I didn’t understand why she was so ashamed until she told us what she did to survive on the streets for those six days. She st
ole from people, from stores. Food and other necessities. She broke into her own school and slept in the library, showered in the locker room before school started, and then disappeared before anyone showed up.
Gabby’s darkest secret is also her biggest strength. Survival. She’s strong and resilient. When Gavin broke up with her, it was hard for me to see her in such an emotional state knowing what she’d already survived. But it made sense. Instead of running away from home, she had a place to herself where she could hide. And that’s what she did. She hid in her apartment and avoided everyone who meant anything to her. Including me.
I won’t let that happen again.
“Are you coming?” she yells up the stairs as I stare into my drawer, still naked, with a pair of socks in my right hand.
Chapter Twenty-One
GABRIELLE
Lunch with Quinn on Sunday felt like a date more than it should have. He was putting on a spectacular performance, and no one was paying us any attention. Hell, there wasn’t even anyone in the restaurant I recognized.
He chose a place on the outskirts of town. Away from campus. There was no chance of us being seen together, and I pointed that out to him, but he didn’t seem to care.
He was the perfect gentleman the entire time. It was the kind of date girls dream of. One where the conversation flows easily and the timing of each moment is perfect. It felt like a date staged for a movie. I even found myself looking around for a hidden camera once.
And then it was over, much sooner than I would have liked.
I was back at my place, alone. Music was blaring from my sound system and I was dancing around my house, replaying our date over and over again as I cleaned. I’d never had so much fun cleaning before in my life. I spent two hours cleaning my place top to bottom, changing linens and scrubbing floors, and yet when I was done, I was looking for more to clean because it felt like I just got started.
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