“What? What do you mean? Do you know something?”
He sighed, clearly frustrated with having to share new information. “There are few things I don’t know about situations I’m in.”
“Is Stavros going bankrupt? Will he lose the hotel?”
“He’s been helping Tilde with her medical bills because she didn’t have insurance. It’s sucking him dry. When the hotel was full every night during the fire, it helped him stay afloat every month, but now…”
I covered my mouth. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
He lifted his arms and let them slap to his thighs. “I’d hoped once I told you about our house, you’d want to move on your own.”
“This isn’t about us! I’m going to lose my job. You didn’t think to tell me? It’s just secret and secret after secret with you. I thought whoever was the most blunt wins? You haven’t even been scratching the surface of the truth.”
“Stavros doesn’t want you to know. He doesn’t want anyone to know. He still thinks he can save it.”
“Oh my.” I swallowed, feeling nauseous. “God. Poor Stavros.”
“He’ll be filing just after the first of the year. He might be able to wait until spring if he’s lucky.”
“I don’t have time to save for an apartment even if I wanted to stay,” I said, thinking aloud.
His jaw ticked beneath the skin. “Is this really about trust? Or do you…do you just not want to move in with me?”
“I can’t trust you!” I yelled. Tears welled up in my eyes and poured over my cheeks.
“Fine. Fine! Then let me help you! I’ll get you an apartment. Just…don’t leave,” he said. His tone had turned to begging. “Darby, I worship you. Don’t you see that? There is nowhere else I’d rather be than with you. If you go…don’t make me leave my men.”
“What do you mean?”
“They all moved to the Springs for this job because I asked them to.”
“I’m not asking you to follow me.”
“Darby…” He shifted his weight, working up to whatever he was about to say. “Do you love me? Tell me. Because I’m in love with you.” His voice broke. “And there is nowhere else I’d rather be than where you are.”
My throat felt tight and dry, making me swallow. I wiped my wet cheeks. “I love you.”
His shoulders sagged, he bowed his head, and he exhaled. “Thank Christ,” he said quietly. “I understand you have trust issues, and I’ve only made them worse. It makes me feel like I’m suffocating just to think about it.”
“You’re not paying for my apartment.”
“That makes no sense. You’d rather move to a strange town, alone, knowing Shawn could be following you?”
“I’ve done it before!” I yelled.
He clenched his teeth for half a second before speaking, his face red. “You want me to put the deed in your name? I’ll fucking do it.”
“Don’t swear at me.”
Trex sighed. He was fighting to calm down, but losing. “I’m sorry. I just don’t understand. Why won’t you just let me help you, Darby? If we love each other, and we want to be a family, why can’t we just let it be?”
I pressed my lips together in a hard line. “Because you lied to me. And because the last time—”
“The last time you moved in with someone he was an abusive asshole.”
“Yes.”
He shook his head, angrier than I’d ever seen him, his voice low and controlled when he spoke. “I’m not him, Darby. I don’t know how else to prove it to you.”
As angry as he seemed, and as nervous as I was that in a flash of emotion he might lash out, I reached for him. Deep down, beyond any instincts to protect myself and my unborn child, I knew Trex would never hurt me. Maybe it was all I needed to know. After a second of hesitation, he took my hand. His thumb caressed my skin, but it was different. Even patient men had their limits. We were together, and almost a family. He didn’t understand the holdup, and I couldn’t seem to explain it to him. “I know. But you still lied.”
“I just found out from you today what your real last name is. Give me some grace.”
I looked down the road. The noise had been drowned out seconds before, but now the semitrucks muddled my thoughts.
“Stay,” he said. “When I’m at work, I’ll have a top-of-line security system in place, cameras, an alarm system, panic buttons in every room. I’ll make it a fucking fortress. It will be the safest place for you, I swear. It’s not just your ex knowing where you are that worries me. You could trip on the stairs, pass out, go into early labor, you don’t have a phone…there are a million things that could happen.”
“They could happen to anyone.”
“But they don’t have to happen to you.” He sighed, frustrated. “We can be roommates. You can live in the master suite on the main floor and I’ll live upstairs. You pay a little rent and bills, and we’ll sign an agreement. If it ever goes south, I’ll move out until you can find another place.”
“I don’t want to be roommates.”
He put his hands on my knees again, then he touched my belly. “I’m sorry I lied to you. I’m sorry for everything that’s happened, and that you don’t feel safe anymore. Give me a chance to make it up to you. Give me a chance to fix it.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, wiping my face.
He breathed out like I’d just punched him in the stomach. “So, you’re leaving. You’re leaving me.”
I shook my head slowly and began to cry. “No, I’m sorry I yelled.”
He hugged me tight, and I could feel his heart beating through his chest. “You’re sorry? Jesus, Darby. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. Screwing everything up, I guess.” He held me at arm’s length. “Does this mean you’re staying?”
The desperation in Trex’s eyes was unbearable, so I covered my face. I wasn’t even sure why I was so upset. I’d been through far worse with Shawn and hadn’t shed a tear. Maybe it was the pregnancy, maybe it was because it was our first fight, or maybe it was because I’d just admitted aloud that I couldn’t trust him—or anyone—and that made Bean and me very much alone.
“C’mere,” he said, hugging me.
I felt so silly for sobbing into his shirt, but I couldn’t stop.
“Honey…” he said in a soothing voice, rocking me. “Don’t cry.”
“It’s okay,” I said, leaning back to wipe my face. “It’s just that”—I sniffed—“you don’t deserve to be yelled at like that, and it’s the first time you’ve ever hurt my feelings.”
He interlaced his fingers on top of his head, watching me cry with so much guilt and shame he could barely stand to be in his own skin. “I’m so sorry, Darby.” He hugged me to him, pressing his cheek against my temple. “I feel like the hugest douchebag right now.”
“And I feel like the biggest baby.” I looked up at him, and he kissed the tip of my nose.
“Just…hear me out, and I won’t mention it again. Regardless if this baby is biologically mine or not, if I kicked you and the baby out of our new house, I’d still be a special kind of asshole. I’m not that guy, Darby. You know I’m not. Just…think about it, okay? That’s all I ask.”
He let go of me and walked away, toward the endless field next to the highway, his boots crunching against loose gravel. He stared at the horizon, a gentle breeze blowing the sparse trees in the distance. “Are we still headed east?” He turned and waited for my response.
I nodded.
He walked back, made sure I was settled in the seat, and closed the door, walking around to the other side. The silence felt awkward, eating at both of us like a parasite. We passed the WELCOME TO KANSAS sign, then Kanorado. Trex pointed to an enormous water tower and spoke for the first time in almost an hour. “There it is. Goodland, Kansas. Home of the First Assembly of God and fifteen other churches, population forty-five hundred.”
Trex got off on the second exit and then navigated the roads until he stopped at a small white house with a dark
red porch on the end of a dead-end road. It had two front doors, and I stared at it for a moment, confused.
“It used to be a duplex. The church bought it and turned it into one house to make a parsonage.”
He hopped out, opening the back door to pull out the suitcase I’d borrowed from him and his duffel bag.
“Scottie!” A girl with long, blond hair burst from the screen door on the right and jumped the two steps to run and jump on Trex. He grunted when she ran into him, but she didn’t seem to notice, wrapping her arms and legs around him.
He set her on her feet, all smiles. “Hey, squirt,” he said, ruffling her hair.
“You made it!” She looked at me, brushing her hair out of her face. “Hi, Darby!”
“Hi,” I said, leaning forward and waving. I looked down to unclip my seat belt, and Trex jogged over to open my door and take my hand to help me step out. By the time we walked around the back of his truck, his parents were at the bottom of the stairs. Their smiles immediately faded when they noticed my round belly poking out of my blouse.
“Mom, Dad…this is Darby. Darby, this is my mom, Susanne, and my dad, Scott.”
“Nice to meet you,” I said, holding out my hand.
Scott’s brown suspenders held up his matching slacks, his already ruddy complexion redder just by his son’s presence. His jowls moved when he did, his undershirt pressed against his white button-down. He was large, and he was proud. His shirt pressed, his hair gelled into place, he was trying too hard to show his indifference.
Susanne took my hand first, a pained smile on her face. Trex favored his mother. Her reddish-brown curls were loose, just brushing her chin. She reminded me of some of the old photos of my mom, but looking into her eyes was like looking into Trex’s. “Likewise. Well, let’s get you kids inside.”
Scott and Susanne walked in front of us, talking quickly in hushed voices, and Trex followed me, carrying our bags as he walked next to his little sister. Hailey wasn’t as quiet as her parents, whispering the million-dollar question to Trex. “Is Darby pregnant?”
“Yep,” he said.
“You’re going to be a dad?”
“Yep,” he said.
“I’m going to be an aunt?”
“Yes, you are,” he said, his tone sweeter and warmer than it had been all afternoon.
My shoes echoed against the wood floor when I stepped inside. Trex’s childhood home was not the bright, cheerful home I’d imagined. Instead, the curtains were drawn, and the walls were decorated with crosses and religious paintings instead of framed family photos. Plaques and community awards and acknowledgments for Scott were given prime spots so they were seen by visitors as soon as they walked in. I was beginning to understand Trex’s aversion to coming home. To the right was the kitchen and dining room, and to the left was a large living room, a piano in the back corner.
Susanne stopped at the mouth of the back hallway. “We, uh, we had you set up in separate bedrooms,” Susanne began.
“Doesn’t look like that’ll be necessary,” Scott said.
I smiled. “Separate bedrooms are fine. We’re happy to—”
“We’ll just take my old room, thanks, Dad,” Trex said.
Susanne gestured to the hall. “You know where it is.”
Trex nodded for me to follow. He walked to the end of the hall and turned right. “This is it,” he said, setting down the suitcases. “We share a hall bathroom with Hailey, which is always fun.”
The wood paneling stopped halfway up the wall; frames of Jesus holding a lamb, crosses, and pictures of children being saved by angels hung from the Sheetrock. A few trophies and books were peppered around the room, but it looked mostly like a generic guest room that was never used.
“This is so awkward. They hate me,” I said quietly.
He smiled. “They hate me, too. We’re meant to be.” His smile faded. “About earlier…”
“I’m still sorry.”
“Me, too.” He hugged me, kissing my cheek. “It’ll be fine. They’re just shocked right now. Mom especially will get excited before the night is over.”
“Until we admit Bean’s not yours.”
He shook his head. “Don’t tell them, Darby. They don’t need to know.”
I stepped away from him, sitting on the bed. It squeaked loudly. “I can’t lie about something like that.”
“You don’t have to lie. They’ll assume.”
I narrowed my eyes. “You do that a lot.”
His shoulders sagged. “I don’t want to fight. It’ll be fine, you’ll see.”
I covered my face. “What are we doing? We’re going to make your family think this is your baby?”
“She is our baby.”
I looked up at him. “It’s wrong to lie.”
His brows pulled together. He looked at me with desperate eyes. “I don’t want them to know. I don’t want anyone to know.”
“It doesn’t feel right.”
He sighed and then nodded. “Okay. I understand. Do whatever you’re comfortable with.” He left me alone in his room, and I could hear him talking with his sister in the next room. She did most of the talking, her high-pitched, sweet voice muted through the shared wall.
She was so happy he was home. He was a good big brother, and he cared about her enough to come back to this place, to be around his father and take all the cruelty Pastor Scott would inevitably dish, all to make Hailey happy. He would be a good father. He would be a good husband one day. We had both lied to each other, me to protect myself and him to protect me. It was a tough situation we were both trying to navigate the best we could. What was I so afraid of?
I stood in his old room alone. Do I love him? Yes. Is he good to me? Yes. Can I trust him? Debatable. Do I believe he loves the little girl growing inside me? Absolutely. If the worst happened, and Trex and I decided it was over, I knew he’d give me the house before he’d kick us out. My fears were completely irrational. I had to stop punishing him for Shawn’s crimes.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Darby
I unpacked my things, thankful we were only staying one night. Trex had returned from Hailey’s room, unconcerned about his clothes wrinkling. Or, at least, he wouldn’t let me unpack his duffel bag for him. The whole day had been one awful discovery and disagreement after another. I wasn’t used to being given a choice. When I lived with my parents, it was always Mom’s rules. When I lived with Shawn, there was only what he wanted, expected, and believed. No discussions, no debate, no consideration of my feelings.
Trex waited for me patiently on the bed, quiet and maybe a little sullen.
“Do you think,” I began, “the reason today has been so hard is because we’re getting to know each other, and it’s not working out?”
Trex paled. He looked exhausted and miserable from all the arguing.
“I don’t want to fight,” I said, holding up my hands. “It’s just something that crossed my mind, and I’d appreciate your honesty. This is normally when people figure each other out, if they’re compatible with each other. Maybe…maybe we just want different things. Maybe that’s why it’s been so hard.”
“We want the same things. We just want them at different times. The pregnancy makes me feel everything is on the clock. And now that I know about this other guy…Rick, or Derek, or whatever the hell his name is…it feels that much more urgent. I get it, Darby. I do. You just got a taste of freedom and that’s all I’ve known for sixteen years. You want to be independent, and I’m ready to settle down. We haven’t been honest with each other, even if it was for good reason. But that doesn’t mean we’re not working out. It means forgiveness and compromise.”
“Is there a compromise?” I asked.
“What do you mean?”
“Moving in. The truth about the baby. Is a compromise possible?”
He grinned, his eyes still tired. “I love you for asking.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I’ve screwed up a lot. I can understand the lack of trust. But
you gotta know I’m in this. If this ship went down, I’d go down with it.”
“And I understand why you did what you did.”
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I truly am. If I could take it back, I would.”
“Me, too. So…okay. Let’s do it.”
“Let’s…do it?” he asked. “You mean you’ll move in?” He tried to read me like he always did. “Don’t mess with me, Darby. This is important.”
“You were right. I’m still afraid. I’m still back in that house, waiting for him to get home, I…It’s an excuse. I’m pushing you away, and you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” I looked at him. “And I don’t want to lose you.”
He stood and held me tight, kissing the top of my head. “I’m not going anywhere.”
He cupped my face in his hands, putting his lips on mine in the way only he could, making me feel safe and loved without condition. No one had ever loved me as much as Trex. I pulled him closer, allowing his tongue to slip into my mouth. He slid his hand beneath my cotton dress, between my thighs, and just as his fingertips slipped under the hem of my panties, Susanne called for us from the living room.
He groaned in frustration. I pressed my forehead against his chest with a smile, and then he led me to the living room, where his parents and Hailey were already sitting.
Hailey put her cell phone away and sat forward, a bright smile on her face. “When are you due?” she asked.
“Hailey Joy,” Susanne scolded.
Hailey didn’t seem to notice. “I’m going to be an aunt!” She clapped her hands together once.
“February first,” Trex said, squeezing my hand.
“So,” Susanne said, trying a smile. “Where did you meet?”
I waited for Trex to answer. I wasn’t sure what he wanted them to know.
He cleared his throat. “She works at the hotel I’m staying at.”
“I thought you bought a house?” Scott said. His words oozed condescension. He wanted so badly to be better than his son.
From Here to You Page 26