by Sophia Gray
I patted my pocket and grinned.
"You need another one already?" Allie asked. She shook her head. "Don't drink too much too fast."
"You worried about me?"
"Never." She laughed. "I know you know how to take care of yourself."
"Yes, I do." I eyed her up and down. "And I know how to take care of you."
"Yes." She grinned wickedly, but she didn't seem to grasp that my tone had turned serious.
It was now or never. I could just ask her the question I was dying to ask, or I could tell her about my past and make sure she was the girl for me. I wanted that reassurance, that she loved me unconditionally, that she would always stay by my side. So many people had disappointed me over the years. Sure, I had my boys, but I needed a woman to understand me, to see past the darkness inside of me, to accept me for who I was despite what the past had molded me into.
Allie was the woman for me. She would prove it.
I poured myself another drink and downed half of it. We talked a little more about nothing really important then finally, I couldn't take it anymore. After taking a deep breath, I cleared my throat. "Allie…"
"Yeah?"
"You know I've made a lot of mistakes over the years, right?"
"We've all made mistakes." She brushed her hair back.
Maybe this was the wrong approach. Damn, my head was a little cloudy from the alcohol. "What was your first job?"
"A dishwasher for a restaurant." She wrinkled her nose, and I leaned over to kiss it. Allie giggled and pushed me away. "I hated it. What was yours?"
"I had a few that only lasted for a week or so. Didn't see the point in any of them, not when I didn't get to keep the pay."
"Didn't get to keep the pay? Who took it from you?"
"My foster father." I gripped my glass so tightly, I was afraid it would break. "The first job that I stuck with…"
Silence fell, and she frowned. "What was it?"
"I…"
Should I tell her or not? Did I trust her? Did I believe in us enough to confide in her? My birth father's reaction, when I'd told him, had been painful. I'd wanted to push him away, to make sure he wouldn't want to get to know me. He didn't stay away though. He still wanted to be a part of my life. Allie would be the same. I knew she would be.
I finished my drink. "I was a contract killer. Before I started my missions. I don't kill for money anymore. Just pedos. I swear."
I was rambling, and she'd gone rigid. Her eyes were wide, her jaw lowered, and she didn't say a word.
"It was in the past," I said, but I knew by then that I had been wrong. She didn't love me unconditionally. Maybe she wasn't the woman for me after all.
No, that wasn't true. She was right for me. I knew that. She knew that. We belonged together.
We weren't finished yet.
But the conversation never turned back around, and she left. She actually fucking left me. Went upstairs, packed up, and left within a half hour.
And I remained in the bar, hand in my pocket, holding onto the jewelry box that held the diamond ring I'd bought to propose to her with tonight.
***
I was fucked up after she'd left me. I threw myself into my missions because I felt like I had nothing else. I'd been bitter, angry, and withdrawn. I should've kept my past to myself. I should've known better. My scars were more than I could handle. How could I have expected someone else to be able to handle them any more than I could?
I felt some of that anger now, the strong emotion coursing through my body, and even though I tried to repress it, I said, "You don't want there to be any secrets between us. How convenient for you." I winced at the harshness of my tone.
"Convenient?" she huffed. Shit! Man, was I glad looks couldn't kill because I'd be dead twenty times over already.
"Yeah." I glanced around. At least my boys were giving us some space, but they were still lingering, listening. One word and they would scatter, but I was more concerned with Jasmine right now. I leaned closer to her and lowered my voice. "Because you don't remember your past. You're not entirely innocent."
Her eyes widened and she took a step back. "What… What is that supposed to mean?"
I felt like an ass for bringing this up. I mean, the things she'd done were nothing compared to what I'd done, what I continued to do... "You were never involved in the missions, but you purposely overcharged a few customers when you waitressed. You stole too. You aren't blameless."
She shook her head, hair flying everywhere. "Even if I did do that, that's not the same thing. It's not even close."
Doomed. Maybe we were doomed. So much for a second chance at a relationship. More like a second chance for happiness to blow up in my face. "Killing —"
"That's not all you kill!" She shoved her hands onto my chest, slapping me. It stung, both physically and emotionally. "I know why I left you. And I was right to leave."
A strange feeling settled in my chest, and it took me a moment to realize what it was—fear. I didn't want to lose her again, but I had no idea how to fix this. "You remember why you left? Did your memory come back?"
She glowered at me. "Don't try to change the subject."
"Jasmine, that's huge! I'm so happy—"
"Stop. Just stop." She held up her hand.
I wanted to take her into my arms, to hold her, to reassure her that she had made the right decision by coming back to me, but I didn't. Words wouldn't sway her. Actions might, but could I give her my word I'd never go after another pedo again and actually follow through with it? The guy I'd tried to track down earlier had hurt so many kids. He had to be hunted and killed. Jail wasn't enough. No. I couldn't make that promise, and she knew it.
"Despite Marie's warning," she said, her voice trembling, "I wanted to give you a chance, but you've only proven to me that I made the right decision when I left you the first time." She stood before me, as beautiful as ever, but she looked more like a stranger than the woman I loved.
Fuck. I had lost her once, and now it seemed that I was losing her again.
Chapter Twenty
Pax
I couldn't lose her again. I just couldn't. How could she be my salvation if she was so fixated on my past? Yeah, I had made mistakes, and some of my choices even now weren't always the best, but I was trying, damn it. Couldn't she see that? Life had dealt me a shitty hand, and I was trying to cope the only way I knew how.
A floorboard creaked, reminding me that the some of the boys were still eavesdropping. Which just pissed me off even more. But, my anger was quickly overPaxed by my feelings of regret and disillusionment.
"Can we go upstairs and talk?" I asked, almost pleading. "I'll tell you—"
"I'm not going up to your room." She crossed her arms and shook her head emphatically. "No way."
Shit, she thought I just wanted to stop talking and fuck her. At this moment, I didn't. I wanted more from her. I wanted more from us.
I glanced over at my father, who had fixed himself a drink at the bar despite the early hour. Once again, he'd screwed things up for me. Yeah, I knew he was trying and all, but why the hell had he felt the need to explain everything to Jasmine? It wasn't his damn place.
True, maybe I should've told her everything right from the start. I suppressed a snort. Yeah, because who would ever want to hear all about my past mistakes, as awful as they were and still want anything to do with me? In the past, as Allie, she'd been willing to turn a blind eye to my missions, and she'd been willing to as Jasmine too. As Allie, she'd left me over learning about my being a contract killer, and now it seemed she might do that again as Jasmine. She was remarkably consistent.
"Fine. That's fine. We can talk here." I hated this. The look in her eyes… She didn't trust me. Would she believe me? I hadn't told her everything about my past previously. More details might just push her away, but I had to try and see if I could regain some ground somehow. "I'll tell you the truth, I swear."
She didn't blink, her face a mask I didn't recog
nize. I couldn't read her at all, and it frightened me. What was she thinking? What was she feeling? Did she think I was a monster? Maybe I was one, but if that was the case, it was because of the monster I'd faced all alone in the dark as a child.
I started to reach for her hand before dropping my arm back at my side without touching her. "I swear I don't do that anymore."
"You mean the contract killings?" she asked coolly. She crossed her arms, glaring at me.
I nodded. "Yeah. I—"
"You haven't stopped killing, though," she pointed out.
She wasn't going to give me an inch. And maybe I deserved that, but I had to get her to understand the kind of place I had been in at the time. If she could just understand, maybe she'd be able to accept me.
"I don't kill for money. I…" This wasn't going to make things any better, but I'd promised to tell her the truth so here it was. I took another deep breath. Fuck, my chest was tight. "I used to be a junkie."
She jerked back. "You do drugs?"
The condemnation in her tone was killing me. Everything from her stance, to her cold eyes, to her glower was killing me. "Did. I was a junkie. And it was an expensive habit—"
"So you killed to get money to buy drugs," she said.
"Yeah." There was no way to sugarcoat it. It wasn't worth trying to.
"You killed for drugs," she amended. "You never mentioned drugs to me last time. Any other dark secrets you're keeping from me?"
I winced. I reached out and touched her shoulders, needing a connection to her. It felt too much like she was slipping away from me. Seeing her and not being with her was torture. It was almost as painful as some of the memories from my past.
She jerked back, forcing my arms to fall away. I hated not touching her. I hated that she didn't want me to touch her. I hated how weak I'd been, how weak I still was. Physically, I was strong and capable, but on the inside, I was a mess. I'd probably always be a mess.
"There's nothing else. Nothing I’ve held back. I swear. Ask me anything, and I'll answer you. With the truth."
Jasmine just glowered at me.
"I… I needed to get extra cash," I tried to explain, desperation in my tone.
"You couldn't have found another job. Really, Pax? Not one other option?" She rolled her eyes and tapped her right foot.
Frustration made me want to snap, but I struggled to keep calm. Blowing up right now would only make things worse. "It was a really dark time in my life. The drugs… they dulled the pain, helped me forget… I was really struggling with my childhood molestation and I just couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle anything. I needed the drugs to get through the day. To get through every day."
Jasmine didn't move back when I took a step closer to her. A good sign, maybe. I hoped.
"I hated myself. I hated my life. My past… The drugs provided some relief, but it was only temporary. Somehow, I managed to stop using. I quit. I got out of that lifestyle." Probably the best thing I had ever done besides dating her. It hadn't been easy to stop the drugs, but my mother had been a druggie, and since I didn't want to be like her that helped motivate me to quit. Plus, going after targets while high had been a disaster. I'd almost gotten myself killed a number of times. And despite the numbness, I still felt the pain underneath it all. That pain was always there. I could try to ignore it all I wanted, but it lingered then and it lingers now.
"The mob just let you walk away." She snapped her fingers. "Just like that?"
"Not exactly," I muttered.
"Then how?"
Her asking questions was a good thing. She wanted clarification, details. We weren't fighting. We were talking.
With her eyes cold, her body closed off, judgment in her stance. Fighting wasn't the right word. Squaring off was more like it.
"I explained to the boss that I wanted out. He laughed at me at first, but then he said if I really wanted to go, that I had to do one last job for him." I fell silent.
"And?" she prompted, her foot tapping faster now.
"I did it. One last job."
"Who did you kill?"
"The mayor. But after that, they left me alone. It was like I never worked for them. I stopped doing drugs and I stopped killing for the mob. My life was halfway decent. And then I met you, and everything seemed to really be going good for me."
"You got out of the killing for the mob business and moved on to killing pedophiles," she said slowly. "Is that really any better?"
I clenched and unclenched my fists, needing something to do with my hands since she wouldn't let me touch her. "I'm not a good guy. I've made mistakes, but I'm trying. I don't kill for money, and I don't use drugs. Not anymore. I'm struggling to stay afloat. I need someone who can help ground me. I need…"
I needed her. I had to have her in my life. Losing her again would destroy me. I could already feel the darkness her void would plunge me into, and I shuddered.
A silence stretched between us, cold and foreboding. And the longer it was quiet, the worse I felt. My past would always ruin my present. It dictated my actions, and now it was taking my only source of happiness away from me… for the second time.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you the whole truth," I murmured.
"You never would've told me, would you have?" she demanded.
I couldn't answer that because I honestly didn't know. "I was afraid that if you found out the truth, all of it, you would break up with me again. Jasmine, I need you." I was pleading, begging for her understanding, but I didn't care. "I love you. I just… If I had told you, you would've already left me."
"You didn't trust us enough," she whispered. "You didn't have enough faith in me."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Hope burned in my chest, almost too hot for me to handle.
"I feel for you. I care for you, Pax, I really do." She stared up at me. Her mask slipped and I could see tenderness in her eyes.
The burning sensation grew. Could she love me enough to stand beside me despite all of the horrible things I'd done? Did I deserve to have her in my life after everything?
I opened my mouth, but she held up a hand, so I kept quiet.
"I care for you," she said quietly, "but I'm not sure I can be with someone who would conceal this secret from me, and not even just once, but twice." She shook her head sadly.
"You would have left me. I… I couldn't risk that." The burning sensation remained, but it was void of hope now. I was sinking into an abyss; drowning. My chest ached. "Maybe I should've told you—"
"Maybe?" She rolled her eyes and shook her head again, her hair falling forward over her shoulders. "You're a liar, a former druggie, and a murderer. Whether you kill for money or some kind of warped sense of justice, you're a killer. Oh, and you're a thief too. Can't forget that."
I reached for her hand, but she skirted back.
"I never want to see you again. Don't even try to stop me. I'm going to go pack." With that, she flew out of the bar, and out of my life.
Chapter Twenty-One
Pax
For a moment, I just stood there, staring at the spot she had just occupied. My worst fear was coming true. First Allie had left me, and now Jasmine was leaving me too. The love of my life wanted nothing to do with me, and I couldn't really blame her. She had every right to be upset with me for not being completely honest. I'd deliberately kept my past from her.
As much as I wanted to run upstairs and try to convince Jasmine to stay, I knew it would only make things worse. Nothing could change my past—not the molestation, not the terrible things I'd done to try and cope. The drugs, the hired killings… I knew killing pedos was wrong too, but I couldn't stop. I had to do something to help make the world a better place, to prevent kids from going through the hell I had lived through and still was. No one should ever have to go through what I did. It wasn't right. Wrong on so many levels. Kids should be protected from predators at all costs.
Footsteps came closer, but I didn't bother to turn around to see who thought i
t was smart to bother me right now.
"Need a drink?" Eyebrows asked from behind me.
It was way too early in the day for that, although the idea of getting pissed drunk was appealing. I also wanted to get high, which was something I hadn't craved in a long while. I hadn't fallen back into old habits when Allie had left me. And, I wouldn't do it now. I'd come too far for that.
But she wanted me to go even farther. She wanted me to give up on the only thing that gave me any semblance of peace. Yeah, I was majorly screwed up, considering I needed to kill to have peace, but the world was messed up too. Shootings at elementary schools and colleges, pedophiles, kidnappers… We lived in a fucked up world.