I waved goodbye as Carla dropped me off at home and hurried indoors. Dini greeted me with his usual leap to my shoulders and a lick on my face. I grabbed his lead and we took a walk. It was as we walked that my phone beeped; I’d received a message. I dug the phone from my pocket and looked. An email had arrived. I opened the app and froze. My hand shook as I looked at the sender’s name. I called for the dog and ran all the way home. I tripped as I tried to kick off my walking boots without undoing the laces. I let my coat fall to the floor as I rushed into the kitchen and opened my laptop. I closed my eyes tight while I waited for the email to load.
To: Jayne
From: Stefan
Date: 4 June 2014
Subject: Hi
I’m so sorry. I’m not actually sure what to say. I have an apartment now; it overlooks the sea. I bought a motorbike too. I’d always wanted one. I’ve done a lot of thinking, some travelling the past weeks. If we can still be friends, I’d like that.
S xx
I read, then again and smiled. I jumped from my chair and danced around the kitchen. All previous thoughts of what a shit he had been were gone in an instant. He wanted to be friends; I’d take that. I was quick to reply.
To: Stefan
From: Jayne
Date: 4 June 2014
Subject: Hi yourself
Hey, it’s so great to hear from you. The apartment sounds wonderful; I’ve always wanted to live near water. And a motorbike! Can you ride one? And, of course, I’ll always be your friend.
J xx
I sat and waited. He didn’t reply immediately, and as time went on my disappointment rose. I needed to calm myself, needed to understand that he was probably busy, he couldn’t respond immediately. I shut the laptop lid and decided to cook myself dinner. I hadn’t cooked a proper meal since Michael had left. I opened the fridge to bare shelves.
Collecting my purse, I drove into the village. I could have walked but didn’t want the struggle back with carrier bags of shopping. I went from the butchers to the greengrocers, to the pharmacy and the One-Stop shop. It surprised me to receive so many greetings. At first I’d tapped my foot impatiently as I waited at the counter to be served in the butchers. He was having a chat with an elderly customer, explaining the best way to cook the meat she had just bought. But as I listened, as I was brought into their conversation, I relaxed. That was country living at its best.
I arrived home and set about to grill the steak and plate the salad I’d bought. I hadn’t realised how hungry I was until I’d taken the last mouthful of food and pushed away an empty plate. I opened the backdoor slightly and didn’t feel a shred of guilt as I sat at the kitchen table and had a cigarette.
The following morning I received his reply.
To: Jayne
From: Stefan
Date: 5 June 2014
Subject: Of course I can ride
I’ve attached a photograph of the mean machine! I never asked, how are things with you? I missed talking to you. I buried my head in the sand for a while back there.
S xx
Of course, I replied immediately.
To: Stefan
From: Jayne
Date: 5 June 2014
Subject: Missed you too
Where to start? Like you, I’m single. I was sad for a while, although it had to happen. Michael took a job in Japan. I’m pleased for him but I’m not sure how long I’ll keep the house. Burying your head is sometimes all you can do. My heart broke for you and I won’t ask details. I’m just glad to have your friendship back. I love the bike. Please be careful though!
J xx
To: Jayne
From: Stefan
Date: 5 June 2014
Subject: I’m sorry :(
I’m sorry to hear that, my friend. I hope you’ll keep your house, but you know what? Sometimes a complete break is the best thing. I was an ass; you’re the only person I can be myself with. And yes, I’ll be careful. I’ll wear my leathers at all times.
S xx
To: Stefan
From: Jayne
Date: 5 June 2014
Subject: Leathers!
Pic please!! ;) Hugs and stuff.
J xx
I was surprised at how quick we fell back into that comfortable friendship, how easy it was to flirt with him. My heart swelled a little at his words. I was the only person he could be himself with. I was curious, of course, about his break-up. I knew he had two sons but neither of us talked about our partners. In fact, I think that was the first time I’d mentioned Michael’s name.
For some reason I felt able to close the laptop, to not sit and anxiously await his response. Deep down I knew we’d fall back into our routine; a couple of emails a week was the fix I needed. All was right in the world if I had Stefan. Or so I thought.
I was due at my parent’s house for the usual Friday afternoon trip to the supermarket. My parents lived a half hour drive away and it was a shock to see my dad when he opened the front door. I’d missed our shopping trip the previous week; mum had called and said that dad had been poorly. She didn’t give much detail and I hadn’t taken it seriously, however, looking at him wincing as he coughed and held his side, I was concerned.
“Have you phoned the doctor?” I asked as I removed my coat.
We always had a cup of tea and a sandwich before leaving to shop.
“No, it’s just a cough.”
“How long have you had it?”
“A week, I think,” he replied.
“More like a couple of months now. Please tell him, Jayne, he needs to see the doctor,” mum said bringing tea to the living room.
“You’re kidding me? You’ve had the cough for a couple of months and not seen anyone?” I said.
Dad waved his hand in the air and raised a tissue to his mouth as another coughing fit wracked his body. I watched and knew I’d seen pink on that tissue when he’d removed it from his mouth and placed it back in his pocket.
“Dad, show me that tissue,” I said, concern laced my voice.
“Will you stop your worrying, I’m fine. Now, tell me about my great grandchild.”
My parents were as excited as I was about their first great grandchild.
“Don’t change the subject. Show me or I’ll call an ambulance. That was blood, Dad. That is serious.”
“I’ve been telling him that for days,” mum said.
Dad had huffed and pulled out the tissue. Although tiny, there were spot of red on the tissue.
“I’m ringing the doctor now,” I said.
Mum flicked through an old address book, it’s pages held together with sticky tape, until she found the doctors number. I dialled, pressed one for appointments and held. Ten or so minutes later, the call was finally answered. I explained that I wanted an emergency appointment, that my father had had a cough for months, and about the blood on the tissue. Her advice was to take him to Accident & Emergency, and immediately. I replaced the telephone slowly as her insistence dawned on me. I’d seen an advert on the television about prolonged coughs and what it could mean.
“Dad, the doctor said we should go to A&E.”
“What? It’s just a cough. It’s that time of year. Everyone has one.”
“Maybe they’re so busy it’s what they are recommending. You’ll get a course of antibiotics and then we can come home.” I hoped my words sounded convincing; they certainly didn’t to my ears.
Dad had grumbled, mumbled, but eventually rose from his chair and pulled on his shoes. Mum grabbed their coats and we headed off to the local hospital. Thankfully Friday afternoon proved to be one of the best times to visit A&E. The wait was no more than two hours. Dad was seen by a nurse then shuffled off for an X-ray. Mum and I had waited outside the radiology department, sitting on hard plastic chairs. She wrung a tissue in her hand until her skirt was covered in white fluff.
I took her hand in mine. “Don’t worry, I’m sure it’s nothing more than a cough.”
I hadn’t believed wh
at I’d said but wanted to offer something to calm her a little.
When dad was done we were asked to wait until a doctor could see us. It hadn’t taken long. Perhaps that should have alarmed me.
“I think, Mr. Adams, I’d like for a consultant to see you,” the doctor said.
“When will that be? We need to get to the supermarket before it closes,” dad had answered.
“I’m requesting an appointment for this coming week.”
My heart pounded in my chest. The doctor chatted to dad some more, I tuned out as one word, and a word I would not speak out loud, swam through my mind. After what could have been minutes or a half hour—I’d lost track of time—we were free to leave.
Dad insisted on us driving straight to the supermarket despite my protests that we could always make the trip the following day. He hated shopping on a weekend, moaning that the supermarket was busier and convinced the out of date food was placed on the shelves to be sold to the masses.
I think I walked around in a daze; my shopping trolley was only half full by the time I made it to the check-out. Dad chatted, or grumbled, as normal. As much as he always insisted on accompanying us, he hated food shopping.
I dropped them home, helped unload the shopping, before being ushered off. I had wanted to stay a little longer but dad insisted I head off before it got dark; he worried about me driving at night.
As soon as I arrived home, I dialled Carla. Her phone went to voicemail. I didn’t want to leave my news in a voicemail message so simply said I’d call her the following day.
To: Stefan
From: Jayne
Date: 10 June 2014
Subject: Bad day
Hi, S. I took my dad to the hospital today. I’m really worried about him. He’s had a cough for a while and I think this might be serious. :( I’m sorry, I just had to tell someone.
J xx
I sat in the garden with a cigarette and a glass of wine. Dini, perhaps sensing my upset, sat beside me. The sun was setting over the woods and I shivered a little. It wasn’t particularly cold that evening but I pulled my cardigan around my shoulders. My phone lit up indicating a message. I opened my emails.
To: Jayne
From: Stefan
Date: 10 June 2014
Subject: Fuck
Baby, I’m so, so sorry. Ring me. I don’t have your number. I can save it.
S xx
All his emails contained an automatic signature for his business and listed was a mobile number. My hands shook. I hadn’t spoken to him since we’d met six months previous. I needed to hear his voice, though, so I dialled.
“Hi, thank you for ringing,” he said once he’d answered.
His voice was smooth, soft, and brought tears to my eyes.
“Hello,” I replied quietly.
“So, tell me what happened?” he asked.
I could hear voices in the background. It sounded as if he had company.
“You’re busy, I can always call another time. I don’t want to disturb you,” I said.
“It’s just friends, and talking to you is more important. Tell me what happened?”
Was it wrong of me to smile at his words? I was important to someone.
I told him about the hospital appointment and my fears.
“It may be nothing, the blood could be because he’s ruptured some blood vessels with all the coughing. But you did the right thing. When will you get to see a consultant?”
“I guess they’ll call on Monday. I hope so, anyway.”
“So, how are you? It’s so good to hear your voice.”
“I’m scared, if I’m honest. I have to deal with this on my own, and I just don’t know what the future holds either.”
“You’re not on your own. I’m here for you, Jayne. I know I was a shit. I panicked and ran from everyone. My wife, ex-wife, found our emails. I don’t know how but things had not been good for a long time.”
“Oh, God, oh no. I’m so sorry, Stefan. I feel just terrible. She must have been devastated and that’s partly my fault.”
“Oh, don’t feel so bad. She had two affairs; I forgave her both times. But let’s not talk about her. I want you to know that I’m here whenever you need to talk.”
I choked up a little at his words. “Thank you,” I said.
“Do you remember the sand bank? Let’s think happy thoughts.”
I smiled as I recalled our time in the Maldives. I listened as Stefan ran through our shared memories. His voice was hypnotic, soothing. I could visualise myself falling to sleep while listening to him.
After a half hour or so I could hear the voices of his friends rise in the background.
“I should let you get back to your friends. It was wonderful to talk to you,” I said.
“And you. I have your number now, I’ll call again. Please let me know what happens with your dad.”
“I will. Good night, Stefan, and thank you.”
“You sleep well. Naughty dreams.” He chuckled as he disconnected the call.
I sat for ages, long after the sun had set, feeling conflicted. I was thrilled to have spoken to Stefan, my smile had been broad, but I shouldn’t be happy, I should be worried about my dad. Was I being selfish? It certainly felt like it, and another layer of guilt was added.
I decided not to tell the kids about their grandad. I wanted to see what the news would be first, but I did call Carla. She came over straight away.
“Tell me again what happened?” she said as she came through the front door.
I repeated what I’d already told her on the telephone as we sat, and she opened a bottle of wine.
“Did they say they’d call with an appointment?” she asked.
“I think so. To be honest, I kind of tuned out, and I was too stunned. The fact they are rushing this through is not good, is it?”
“It’s good and not good. If there is something wrong, at least they can act fast. Have you told anyone else?”
“No, I want to wait before I tell the kids. I don’t even know what country Casey is in at the moment, and I don’t want to worry Kerry.”
“Have you heard from Michael?”
“Not a word. I have mail for him. I’m not sure what to do with it.”
“Send it to his mother?”
“I could do that, I guess. I haven’t heard from her either.”
“Well, that’s a blessing.” Carla laughed.
“I was thinking… I know you said about a weekend away but if this is bad news, I want to take mum and dad down to Cornwall for a weekend break. You know how much they loved that place.”
“That would be amazing. I’ll come, if you want me to, of course.”
“Of course I do. It will be like old times.”
We reminisced for a while, recalling our Cornish holidays and laughed at the fact we had hated the thought of going with our parents when we’d hit our teens.
“What do they know about you and Michael?”
“They think he’s just working away. I don’t want to worry them with it all. I will tell them, though.”
We chatted back and forth as we emptied the bottle and retrieved another. I’d enjoyed our evening together.
“You can’t drive home. Why don’t you stay here,” I said.
“I was hoping you’d say that.”
After a cup of tea, to hopefully stave off a headache in the morning, we headed upstairs. Carla took one of the spare bedrooms, and I headed to mine. I slept well that night. I didn’t wake once.
“Good morning,” I said as I walked into the kitchen from the garden. I’d been for an early walk with Dini.
“I have bacon on,” Carla replied with a smile.
“I could smell it from outside.”
“Guess what? I have a date tonight.”
“You do? How, when, with whom, and why did you not tell me this last night?”
“I only just found out. He sent me a text this morning.”
“Who? Who sent you a text?”
“His name is David, and can you believe, he owns the gym.”
“How did you meet him?”
“I was chatting to him recently. He works out at the same time as us. You must have seen him. Tall, dark hair, muscles on muscles?”
I shook my head. When I worked out I mostly kept my face down and my eyes on my feet to make sure they stayed on the running machine.
“Anyway, I’ve chatted to him on and off for a while. He asked me for my number and this morning, he texted. He wants to take me to dinner.”
“Oh, sounds fun. Where will you go?”
“No idea.”
As we spoke, I buttered some bread and laid the bacon over the slices for a sandwich. Carla made the tea and we sat. Dini drooled by my side.
“What will you wear?” I asked.
“I have no idea, and talking of clothes, please don’t think this is charity, but I have a few items that I was going to throw. Do you want them? We must be nearly the same size now.”
“Of course I want them.” I was desperate for new clothes and had exhausted the local charity shop.
“Good, I’ll drop them over in the week. Now, I must go. I have a hair appointment, nails, waxing…oh, the works planned.”
I laughed as I walked her to the door. I was pleased for her. She wasn’t someone who needed a man but I knew she missed dinner dates. Pizza Hut with me just wasn’t the same.
I cleared the dishes, made the beds, then called my parents. I spoke for a while to dad, who insisted on ignoring all references to our hospital visit before he handed me over to mum. She huffed a little as she talked and I guessed she was walking to somewhere more private.
“I didn’t sleep one bit, Jayne. I’m so worried.”
“I know. It’s easy for me to say not to worry but we have to keep positive. We’ll know more when we see the consultant. If you don’t hear from the doctors on Monday, give them a call, or I can, if you want.”
“I don’t know what I’d do without your father,” she said, her voice caught in her throat.
“You can’t think that way, not yet. Let’s see what happens.”
My parents had been married for fifty years; they were childhood sweethearts and had hardly spent a day apart. From what I remembered being told, mum had miscarried many times, and once she had resigned herself that she would never be a mother, she fell pregnant with me. I had a wonderful childhood, despite them being a little older than my friend’s parents.
A Virtual Affair Page 9