by Wiles, David
“See there?” Washington said. “We killed two of them at no risk to ourselves.”
Reebock reloaded and took aim again and fired, and killed another zombie. And another. And another. Washington did the same as his slave, firing and eliminating zombie after zombie. Before long, the hilltop was covered with 20 motionless, rotting zombie corpses.
“Well done,” Washington said.” That’s the best way to kill zombies if you’re able to do so, with minimal risk.”
From behind them suddenly came the sound of breaking branches and crunching leaves and grass. Reebock spun about and leveled his musket in that direction, thinking more zombies were upon them. Washington reached out with his left arm and pushed Reebock’s musket downward and away from the noise.
Suddenly through the bushes came about twenty Continental Army soldiers, all bearing ropes pulled taught, and hauling up two medium sized cannon behind them. Reebock smiled when he saw the cannon, which were now to be smartly placed upon the hilltop they had just cleared. Washington directed his men to set up the cannon upon the overlook above, and to aim them at the British occupied city of Boston down below. They all knew that, from this height and location, they were well within artillery range of the city.
“Why attack and fight your enemy hand to hand?” Washington asked. “From here, we can attack him from a distance. With minimal risk to ourselves.”
Washington smiled broadly, as he had not done for some time.
“Prepare to fire” he commanded.
Chapter 44
George Washington Retakes Boston
General Lord Cornwallis sat happily in a comfy chair across from Smithers in the parlor of a Boston home that he had recently “appropriated” for use as his personal headquarters. He had arrested and then executed the home’s legitimate owner, who now had the distinguishing honor of serving as a zombie in His Majesty’s Army. Cornwallis was contentedly drinking his tea and sampling a box of small round pastries called donuts, indigenous to North America, which were just this morning confiscated as contraband from a local Boston baker, who was also executed.
“I say, Smithers,” Cornwallis said to his assistant. “These Jelly donuts are a remarkably delicious creation. It’s encouraging that such rabble as these Colonials can produce at least something that’s pleasing to the palate. I’m so sick of their repulsive turkey dinners and disgusting corn on the cob.”
“Indeed so,” Smithers replied. “Shall I fetch you another donut, General?” Smithers asked.
“Oh, perhaps just one more jelly donut would do the trick,” the chubby Cornwallis replied, before being handed his sixth jelly donut.
Both men were suddenly startled by the sound of a distant explosion, and a much closer impact, then another concussion, and another impact. Cornwallis rose immediately and, after brushing off the donut powder from his uniform, went over to the window with his spyglass in hand. From there he spied a sight that made him angry and upset.
“God damn him,” Cornwallis growled angrily after observing George Washington in his resplendent red, white and blue uniform, standing in the distant high ground upon Lechmere Point with two cannon, firing cannonballs right into the heart of the British occupied city. Cornwallis was no fool, and immediately knew the strategical disadvantage which he now faced.
“Convene my Council of War,” Cornwallis barked to Smithers. “Inform them we shall be evacuating the city of Boston and leaving by ship immediately.”
“Sir?” Smithers questioned, aghast.
“With that asshole Washington in possession of the high ground,” Cornwallis explained, “We will have no way by which to adequately defend our position here in Boston. We shall therefore withdraw all regular and zombie forces …to the harbor of Halifax.”
“Halifax?” Smithers asked.
“Yes, it’s not too far away,” Cornwallis explained. “And Washington and his rabble will have no idea where we’re heading. Or from where we shall reappear. It will put them in a panic, and force them to guess from where our next attack will come. They will therefore have to redeploy their troops from here to New York, dangerously thinning their forces.”
“Very good, Sir” Smithers replied.
“If Washington thinks he has achieved a victory here in Boston,” Cornwalis said. “He will soon realize just how costly that victory has been.”
Chapter 45
Washington Trains The Continental Army To Kill Zombies
“Raise your right hand!” George Washington shouted to the thousands of assembled soldiers who stood along a curved hillside around him which formed a natural amphitheater. All the troops raised their right hands.
“I solemnly swear,” Washington shouted, “that the information I learn here today will never be repeated or shared, except with other members of the Continental Army, under penalty of death, so help me God.”
The phrase was repeated aloud by all the assembled soldiers of Washington’s army. At that moment, Benjamin Franklin appeared with some assistants, walking several leashed zombies out from the back of a covered wagon, and chained them immobile next to George Washington in front of the assembly. There was a quiet gasp from the crowd after seeing these creatures up close.
“This is a zombie,” Washington said as he raised the tip of his sword and pointed it at the nearest creature. “It is not a man. It may look like a man, but it is a creature, an abomination. All of these creatures are the walking dead, and the British are using these monsters as soldiers, against us. They may look human, but they are not alive!”
“It cannot be bargained with,” Washington explained further. “It cannot be reasoned with. It does not feel pity, or remorse, or fear. It cannot be harmed by a rap on the beak, or by a kick in the balls! And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until it makes you his dinner!”
“These are facts you must know,” Washington said as he took his sword and ran it through the heart of the nearest zombie, which only made it angry and agitated as it continued to fight against its chains in an effort to bite and attack the General.
“A zombie has only one desire,” Washington said truthfully. “It lives only to devour you and feed upon living flesh. And the really fucked up fact is, if it bites you, you will sicken and die and become a zombie yourself!” The assembled soldiers gasped as he said this.
“This is my friend, Doctor Benjamin Franklin.” Washington said. “He is here, at my invitation, to show you how to properly kill undead British zombie soldiers!”
“Thank you General,” Franklin began, holding two dueling pistols in his hands and aiming one directly at the chest of the zombie Washington had just stabbed. Franklin fired the pistol, the bullet exploding into the zombie’s chest, with no negative effect upon the creature.
“Shooting a zombie in the torso or body will have no effect,” Franklin said. “You must shoot it in the head to kill the creature.” Franklin raised his second dueling pistol and pointed it at the head of the zombie and fired once, causing the monster to drop harmlessly to the ground. “Or you can behead it,” Franklin added as he drew a sword and swung it at the second zombie’s head, decapitating it cleanly. Its body, too, fell motionless to the earth. “But it cannot be stabbed, drowned, burnt or otherwise repulsed. It will feel no harm in its vital organs, its neck or legs or even its testicles! So when your officers say ‘don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes,’ they are being very serious. You MUST shoot or stab these creatures in the head, and only the head, to kill them! Do you understand?” Franklin shouted.
“Huzzah!” the army replied as one, honored to be given this secret knowledge that would undoubtedly save most of their lives. “Huzzah!” they shouted again.
“You will now assemble by company, and train in these tactics with General Washington and myself for the remainder of the week,” Franklin stated. Mannequins and stuffed scarecrows were setup at intervals in the compound, with red targets upon their heads, and the soldiers spent the next week practicing what Franklin and Wa
shington had taught them. They were now trained as zombie-slaying soldiers.
After this training, Franklin knew he must return quickly to Congress and assist in the preparation of what was being called a declaration of freedom and independence. But before he left, Franklin and the General withdrew to a private meadow not far from camp and Bennie showed George a medium sized box which contained one of Franklin’s prized possessions.
“I have made only one of these so far,” Franklin stated, opening the box. “This one is only a prototype.” Franklin removed what looked like a dueling pistol from the box, but the weapon appeared strange in many ways. The gun was mainly silver and appeared to lack a barrel or even an opening for a projectile to exit. Where the muzzle should have been was a series of antennae, which radiated out like a small starfish. There was also a thick, insulated cable which ran from the box to the handle of the gun.
“I have prepared a small demonstration,” Franklin said as he pointed to the nine zombies chained at various points in the meadow around them. Franklin flipped a small switch on the box, which he called the battery, and the weapon in his hand began to hum.
“I have charged the battery in this box using electrical lightning, harnessed and collected by kite from last night’s thunderstorm,” Franklin explained. “I have designed this weapon to operate using that stored electrical energy!”
Franklin took careful aim at three of the zombies chained closest to them and squeezed the trigger of the weapon. With a loud crack, three distinct streams of electrical energy shot from the gun, and a blinding flash of lightning struck the head of each of the three zombies. In under a second, the heads of the all three creatures exploded!
“Fucking awesome!” Washington exclaimed gleefully. “Oh, fuck me that’s amazing!”
Franklin took aim at another three zombies, pulled the trigger, and once again observed the same result. Lightning bolts shot from the weapon, striking three more zombies, and exploding their heads!
“Since the electricity discharged from the weapon is provided by lightning,” Franklin explained, “it seems always to strike the target in the head, which is ideal for our purposes.”
“That’s the coolest god damn thing I have ever seen in my entire fucking life!” Washington exclaimed again, giggling with delight. “Ha-Ha-ha-ha ha ha! Fucking marvelous!”
Franklin took aim at the last three zombies and pulled the trigger again. But this time, only a tiny crackle of static electricity was discharged from the weapon, causing no harm to the zombies.
“That’s the main problem I have,” Franklin explained sadly. “This battery can only contain a limited electrical charge. And the battery is exceedingly expensive and difficult to make.”
“Well it’s still amazing,” Washington remarked. “Truly amazing! You, Doctor Franklin, are a genius, Sir.”
“A genius,” Franklin said modestly, “would find a way to improve the battery.” And with that, Benjamin Franklin packed up his new weapon, hugged his friend goodbye, and mounted his horse for the return trip to Congress.”
“Thanks for comin’ to help train the troops, Bennie,” Washington said to his friend as he spurred his horse forward. “Your help was greatly appreciated.”
“Anytime, G,” Franklin replied as he rode back to his Congressional duties.
Chapter 46
The Declaration of Independence
In June of the year 1776, the Second Continental Congress appointed what was called the Committee of Five, the skilled handful of men that would produce a first draft of the Declaration of Independence. These men, John Adams, Benjamin Franklin, Roger Sherman and Bob Livingston were all in agreement that their fifth member, Thomas Jefferson, should write the first draft of the document. The remaining four would review it and offer suggestions, and then submit it to Congress.
There was hemming and hawing by some southern Congressmen over a black man writing the Declaration, but even they knew this writing genius was the best choice for the task.
Jefferson approached the job with all seriousness and deliberation and chose his words carefully and thoughtfully. When he finished the first draft, sometime near the end of June, 1776, it was approved by the Committee of Five, and then sent to Congress, who promptly sought to edit and mangle Jefferson’s original work, much to his chagrin.
The process of editing by Congressional review made Jefferson exceedingly angry. Every Congressman, it seemed, wanted to change and edit Jefferson’s carefully selected words and phrases. It brought to mind a comment by his friend Ben Franklin, who told Jefferson during this editorial ordeal that, “Opinions are like assholes. Every many has one, and they usually stink.”
Jefferson began his version of the Declaration of Independence by stating that, “When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for a people to advance from that subordination in which they have hitherto remained…” Congressional delegates edited out the word ‘subordination’ and created the more familiar opening we all know, stating that, “When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another…”
The final version of the Declaration of Independence states that, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” But in his initial draft, Jefferson had expanded on his notion of equality, stating that, “We hold these truths to be sacred and undeniable, that all men are created equal and independent; that from that equal creation they derive rights inherent to all men, both white and negro, Mexican and Hindoo, albino and dwarf, Jew and infidel, rights bestowed too upon the Polack and the Irishman, and even, women.” Congressional delegates were outraged and struck his sentiments from the final document.
Congress certainly wanted to eliminate what they regarded as inflammatory language from the document. The final version of the Declaration proclaims that, “A Prince whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.” Strong words, indeed. But Jefferson’s initial draft was even more scathing, asserting that, “a tyrannical ruler, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a tyrant, and who fails to address the lawful petitions of his subjects, may be most justly and fairly be regarded as a worthless asshole.”
Thomas Jefferson had even originally included a reference to zombies in his first draft version of the Declaration, writing in his grievances against the King that:
“He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures.”
“He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil power.”
“He has, with amoral disregard to natural law, employed the use of undead, zombie troops in a fiendish effort to quell dissent.”
This last part was hastily edited out of the final document. Although all Congressional delegates were familiar with the British use of zombies, as were most military officers, it was felt, and perhaps wisely so, that the general populace of the Colonies was not ready for such an unsettling revelation.
Jefferson’s version of the Declaration of Independence was also exceptional for two additional reasons. The beginning of the Declaration was the first document in history to use phrase “United States of America.” Jefferson’s bold conclusion of the Declaration of Independence was also noteworthy for another phrase that had never before been used. Jefferson wrote: “And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor. Whilst any man who disagrees can bite me.”
This was the first time in history that the phrase ‘bite me’ had ever been used, at least in an official capacity. And although later edited out of the final version of the Declaration, it was another sign of Jefferson’s superior mastery of language
.
Chapter 47
The British Take New York
Although Washington had no idea where British forces would strike next, at the urging of Congress, he was forced to move the vast percentage of his army to New York in the first half of 1776 as a defensive measure. His real problem was that the general area of New York City at the time was almost entirely indefensible.
New York consists of islands like Staten Island, Long Island and even Manhattan, islands which, by their very nature are exceedingly difficult to defend. They are surrounded by water, which means they can be approached and attacked from any direction. Yet the water also makes a retreat more difficult. And as there were several islands in need of defense, the problems were compounded. If you add to this a nearly complete lack of reliable intelligence reports, you find that George Washington was really in a pickle.
But the Continental Congress insisted that New York be defended, and so George Washington would do his best to defend it.
In August of 1776, when the British landed on Long Island, there was no repeat of their previous mistakes on Bunker Hill. Zombie Redcoats were used in the initial advances, almost as cannon fodder, as they were so difficult to kill. Living troops were held in reserve and marched in as part of the second and third waves of the attack. Direct assaults were also abandoned in favor of flanking maneuvers designed to evade perimeter defenses. The Colonial Army could not stem the tide of zombies sent against them. In short order, Washington’s army was nearly outflanked and surrounded.
As the Redcoats tightened their grip on the Continental Army in New York, the Americans dug in for a siege, which Washington was almost certain to lose. At this point, retreat was the only option for Washington and his army, if they could escape.