He held his hand out to her and she crossed the room in haste to take it. Her fingers intertwined with his and she leaned into his strong body. She inhaled his essence and wanted to wrap herself around him. All she wanted to do was run away with him and not deal with the circumstances of the day, but she knew that wasn’t possible. Well, Neil would make it possible if she asked him too, but that wouldn’t be the mature thing to do. She needed the closure that this day could provide.
“Have I told you how glad I am that you are here with me?” she whispered into his ear.
“Well, not with words, but your kiss told me everything that I needed to know,” he said, looking at her like he could rip her clothes off any at any moment. “I can’t wait to have you alone,” he whispered to her, biting softly on her earlobe.
Sparks flew through her body and she felt warm all over. Every cell in her body craved to be alone with him too. She nuzzled his neck and then noticed several relatives approaching.
She introduced Neil to her Aunt Cindy and her cousins. She hadn’t seen them in what seemed like an eternity, so they had catching up to do. As she engaged with her family, Neil stood beside her, holding her up. She was so relieved to have him to lean on.
As the time for the funeral rapidly approached, she sat in a front pew with her Aunt Donna, Neil, and Eric. The minister spoke eloquently about the life of her dad, and her Aunt Cindy gave an amazing eulogy about what her brother had meant to her. It was quite moving and Kate began to see her dad as a man, not just as her father. Other family members got up to speak about how generous he had been to them throughout their lives. It was hard for her to reconcile that they were talking about her father, a man who had not been generous with her or her brother at all. Listening to the accolades of love from others toward her father was just too much for her. The tears spilled out of her eyes. She could feel Neil glancing down at her. He pulled her closer to him. “It’s okay, baby. Let it out,” he whispered to her.
The funeral ended and the pallbearers carried her father’s casket to the hearse, which everyone followed to the grave site. It was in a shady corner of the cemetery and it felt tranquil. It would be a good resting place for her dad.
The minister said a few more words about eternity and her dad’s relationship with the Lord. It brought Kate back to her childhood and her dad taking her to church when she was a small girl. She hadn’t thought about that in many years. She was confused as to how this seemingly good and generous man could have abandoned her and her brother. The only information that she had to go on was what her mom had told her. She was going to need to investigate before she returned home. She hoped that John could answer her questions. If anyone could shed light on what went on in her dad’s head, it was him.
The plan after the funeral was for everyone in the family to go to a cafeteria-style restaurant. About three dozen people were there, sharing their favorite stories about her dad. Kate felt strange that she couldn’t think of any stories to share. She wanted to scream out that this was so unfair. They all had the deep relationship with her dad and she and her brother had been denied. They didn’t even know the man. It was more than she could stand so she excused herself to the bathroom. She stood there staring at herself, wondering how she had arrived at this moment in her life. Kate felt a tiredness that went beyond fatigue, seep into her bones. She felt an overwhelming ache of despair and regret. Neil popped his head in the door. “Kate, are you okay? You’ve been in here a long time.”
“Come in. I’m alone.”
Neil entered the ladies room and stood behind her. He hugged her from behind and placed his chin on her shoulder. “I was getting worried about you.”
“It just all became too much for me. I had to get away,” she said, looking at his eyes in the mirror. “I didn’t mean to worry you.”
“I’ll always worry about you, baby. I love you so much. I hate to see you hurting. I just want to make it all go away.”
The sincerity in his eyes was her undoing. She turned around to embrace him. He held her tightly as she sobbed in his arms. After a few minutes, she pulled back a little to look into his eyes.
“I feel like something isn’t adding up. That man that everyone has been praising isn’t the man I knew. They talked about how much my dad helped them and was there for them. He was never like that with my brother or me. I want to know why.”
“There may not be an answer for that,” Neil replied, moving a strand of hair away from her eyes. “Sometimes it can’t be explained why people do what they do.”
“Well, I plan on asking John. He and my dad were very close.”
“Good plan, baby. I’m sure that he will tell you anything that he can to fill you in.”
“I better fix my makeup and go back out there. I’ll be out in a minute,” she said, exhaling loudly.
“Okay. I’ll be waiting for you.” He left and she suddenly felt a rush of coldness where his body had been covering her.
She turned toward her purse, which was on the counter, and took out her makeup, reapplying where she needed. Once she was satisfied, she rejoined Neil and the others in the restaurant.
John indicated that he was ready to go whenever she was. She had been ready about five minutes after getting there. She started making her goodbyes to the relatives that had come to the restaurant and then she headed home, thankful that Neil had decided to come.
Chapter 13
As everyone was worn out from the emotions that had been exerted at the funeral, the car ride home was quiet. Kate’s mood was understandably somber given the conflicting view of her father, and as she stared out the window, she wondered if she would ever understand how he could have not been there for his own children. Neil took her hand and pulled her close to him. She leaned against her rock.
Aunt Donna had gone home for a while, but would join them later for dinner. Other relatives planned on coming over later in the evening for a family potluck.
Going up the stairs, Kate approached John to see if she could talk to him about her dad. As they sat in the living room, he asked, “What do you want to know?”
“Honestly, I’m trying to reconcile the father that I knew with the wonderful man that was described today at the funeral. They seem to be two different people. My dad was not generous to us, but he showed extreme generosity to the rest of the family. He was never there for us, but he went out of his way for everyone else who attended his funeral. Do you know why he was so different with the children that he brought into this world?”
Eric chimed in, agreeing with what Kate had expressed. “He was a poor excuse of a father,” he said. “We didn’t experience any of the kindness spoken of today.”
John hung his head down for a long moment. He didn’t answer right away, seeming to think about the best way to respond her question. “It’s complicated because life is messy and we don’t always know how to clean up the mess that we have created.”
“So are you saying that Eric and I were his mess?”
“No, not at all. His relationship with your mother is the culprit in all of this.”
“John, I need to know why my father hasn’t bothered with us for the past ten years,” Kate said.
“Your dad was a guy who was able to fix everything. He built houses for a living, so it was his job to problem solve. Trust me, many problems arise when building a home.”
“Okay, what does that have to do with us?” Kate asked, her brows furrowed.
“Basically, your dad couldn’t fix his marriage with your mom. He couldn’t please her and she ended up betraying him. What happened between them to a certain extent ruined his life. He was never the same after they divorced and being close to you and Eric reminded him of his failure to fix his marriage and what your mom did. He just couldn’t deal with it, so he turned his back on you both.”
“What do you mean by betraying him?”
“I think you need to talk to your mom about that,” John answered carefully.
Kate put her
hands on her face, exasperated by this information. She was torn between her emotions of feeling sorry for him and pissed that he didn’t decide to man up and be a father. And what could her mom have possible done to betray him? The only thing she could come up with was cheating. Her mom just didn’t seem like the type.
“This is completely ridiculous. A lot of people fail at marriage, but they don’t abandon their children,” Kate said.
Neil stroked her back as she leaned forward and put her elbows on her knees. She held her head in her hands for a moment, processing the simplicity of John’s explanation.
“So, Eric and I didn’t get to have our dad in our lives because he felt like a failure?”
Her anger was bubbling up like lava in a volcano ready to explode.
“Your dad was broken and he never recovered from losing your mom. You reminded him so much of her. He just couldn’t take it, so he stopped being your father,” John said, unsure of what else to say.
“Well, our parents divorcing broke our hearts, too. Eric and I were also the victims here.”
“I agree. You were the victims, but your dad could only feel his own pain. He had no idea about your pain. This whole situation broke him apart. I now see that this was the beginning of the end for him. He had to live vicariously through Donna to know anything about you two. I think it’s the reason that he died at sixty. His huge heart that had given so much to so many people and he couldn’t handle the fact that he had chosen to abandon his own children. He loved you both very much.”
Kate leaned back against Neil. She couldn’t come up with anything else to say to John.
“Baby, are you okay?” Neil inquired softly.
“No, I’m not. For years I have thought that my father didn’t love us or want to have us in his life. Now it boils down to either he didn’t take care of his own mental health or he was too much of a coward to be in our lives. Either way, it sucks and I can’t do anything about it.”
She reached over to her brother, who was sitting quietly next to her. He turned toward Kate when he felt her hand on his forearm. She was looking for his reaction to this news, but he seemed to be numb.
“Eric, what are you thinking right now?” she probed, lightly stroking his arm.
“I don’t know what to think. I actually feel bad for the guy. He missed out on a relationship with us because of his own frailties. It’s sad that he was so successful in his business life but couldn’t handle his personal life that well.”
“You have to keep in mind that this isn’t a reflection upon you. Your dad couldn’t own up to his mistakes,” John said with great sorrow in his eyes. “He just couldn’t handle it.”
“All this time I thought that he was either mentally ill or he just didn’t love me, but instead he allowed bitterness to decimate his life and damage ours in the process too.”
John got up. “I think we could all use a drink right now. We have white wine, beer, and scotch. What would you all like?”
Each person chimed in with their order and Neil got up to help John. Kate and Eric sat motionless on the sofa, trying to absorb what John had said.
John’s wife Cathy hadn’t said anything the entire time. She looked Kate in the eyes and her words spilled. “Kate, Eric, I really believe that your dad had been depressed for a long time and wasn’t treated for it. He had stopped taking care of himself and nothing mattered in his life. About six months ago we went to visit him in Florida. We were up late talking one night and he cried and cried that he couldn’t change things. He hated himself for not being in your lives, but he just didn’t have the skills to reach out to you.”
Kate wanted to be angry with her dad but having experienced such raw grief and disengaging from life, she was starting to come to terms with herself, that perhaps her dad was not as uncaring as she thought. Maybe, he truly didn’t have any strategies, as Dr. Cox talks of, to apply towards healing himself in his grief.
John and Neil returned carrying the drinks. Neil handed Kate her wine and Eric a beer. He went back to the kitchen to retrieve his scotch. John handed Cathy her wine and sat next to her on the love seat.
No one said anything for several minutes. Kate finished her wine and John told her that there was more in the kitchen if she wanted another glass. She got up, walked to the kitchen, and poured herself another glass, hoping it would take the edge off. Somehow, she knew that there wasn’t enough wine in the world to squelch the disappointment and anger that she felt at this moment.
Neil joined her in the kitchen as she drank down some of the wine and refilled her glass. “Kate, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. Tell me what I can do to help.”
“You’re already doing it by being here for me. I don’t know what I would do without you,” she said putting her head against his chest. “Thank you so much for coming to be with me. You have no idea what it means to me that you are here.”
All she wanted was to be in his arms, away from all the harshness of this day.
“I think it might be good for you to lie down for a while. Why don’t we retreat to the downstairs?”
“You’re right…”
Neil followed her from the kitchen back to the living room.
“John, thank you for being honest with me. I’m going to lie down for a little while before everyone gets here. We’ll be downstairs if any of you need us.”
John got up and hugged Kate. “I’m so sorry for all of this. Just know that if he could have changed things he would have done it in a heartbeat,” he said.
Kate nodded. What could she say to that? Her brother followed her lead and retired to his room as well, no doubt to reflect on the day’s events.
Kate and Neil went down to the basement and closed the door behind them. Neil took her hand and led her toward the bed.
“Baby, you’re shaking,” he said, wrapping her hands in his.
She looked up at him. “It’s just all too much. I can’t take it,” she cried, her head plunging forward to his chest. “I just can’t believe that I lost years of having a relationship with my dad because he couldn’t fix his marriage with my mom. It seems so senseless. Over fifty percent of marriages fail and somehow most people find a way to still be parents to their children.”
Neil wrapped his arms around her and held her tight for a long moment.
“Here, let’s have you lie down and rest for a while. It might make you feel better.”
He pulled the covers back and then began taking off her shoes. Once they were off, he looked into her eyes. “I just want to hold you and make you feel safe.”
Kate got into bed and Neil joined her. She put her head on his chest and wrapped her arm and leg around him. She could feel his erection under her leg and she wanted to make love to him, but not in her cousin’s house where they might be overheard or possibly walked in on.
“Thank you for loving me so much,” she whispered to him, stroking his face with her hand.
“You’re easy to love. Don’t ever doubt that, my beauty,” he said, kissing her hair.
Kate drifted off to sleep while Neil held her. After about an hour, family members started arriving for the potluck. Kate awoke when the door bell sounded. She got up to go to the bathroom and freshen up while Neil put on his shoes and suit jacket.
“I wish I had thought to bring a change of clothes for after the funeral. Good thing that I’m used to wearing a suit all of the time,” he said.
“Did you want to go back to the hotel and change?”
“No, it’ll be fine.”
Kate came out of the bathroom. “How are you feeling now?” Neil asked.
“I feel better. It’s just such a waste that he let his life fall apart, but I can understand after dealing with my own grief. The difference is that I dealt with it. I didn’t let it ruin my life and now I can move on with you.”
“You were smart enough to get counseling. Your dad probably wasn’t the type to talk to a professional about his feelings, so he had no way to cope.�
�� Neil said rubbing his hands up Kate’s arms. He pulled her body close to his and whispered in her ear, “I wish we were alone right now. I want you so desperately.”
“I want you too, baby, but there’s a house full of people upstairs,” she whispered back.
Neil released her enough to look into her eyes. “No matter where we are, I always want you. You have no idea what you do to me,” he said, leaning in for a kiss. Kate rubbed her hands down his broad shoulders and continued toward his chest. She continued over his washboard abs and found his belt buckle. Neil stopped kissing her and raised his eyebrows.
“Shh…” she said, lowering to her knees. She unzipped his pants and released his hardened shaft. She wrapped her hand around him and slipped the tip into her mouth. Neil let out a groan. She pulled him into her mouth and then began slowly sliding him in and out of her mouth. Neil’s eyes were transfixed, watching her. She looked up at him through her lashes. The sultry look on his face made her want to rip his clothes off, push him onto the bed and straddle him. She knew that wasn’t going to happen since her family was upstairs, so she quickened her pace. Neil ran his fingers through her hair and then wrapped his hands around her head. Within minutes, he was coming in her mouth. “I feel better now. I just needed to do that,” Kate said cheekily.
“Anytime…baby…anytime. I’m always glad to oblige,” Neil panted out.
***
The family gathering was very pleasant with stories abounding about her father. Now since she had decided to forgive his frailties, she couldn’t get enough of the stories about him. What had been a source of considerable pain earlier in the day, now consoled her even though she never felt like a recipient of his love. Knowing that he had the capacity to love his family so much made her have more compassion for his pain and loss. This had become a healing time and she was grateful for it. All these years she thought that her mom still had feelings for her dad and had been broken-hearted over their break-up. She didn’t realize how it had shattered her father’s heart as well. She and her brother had been casualties of the whole sordid mess.
Taken By You Page 10