“I saw your hands just before you went under and just barely managed to grab you. Cracked the ice with the punt.” He sets the broken pole across his knees. “Skies and gores, what were you doing walking out into a storm like that? It turns places you know into places you don’t.”
I know that. But when you’re afraid enough to run, you don’t always remember the things you should. Blinking feels too frightening, as if closing my eyes will push me back to where all the dead people live. I swallow, and it chokes every inch.
We’re in a cave. A different one than before, but it’s another of Cai Ayi’s, the doorway shielded with supplies spilling out from compartments at the back. Luokai must have found it while he was carrying me.
Luokai settles next to me. When he finally speaks, it’s quiet. “You’re still frightened.”
My eyes close by themselves, and I hardly manage to peel them back open.
“I promised my brother you would live. You’re Howl’s family, which makes you mine, too. The world has lost too many little girls, and today we foiled it. Together.”
I stare up at him, my mind catching on every word but not sure how to proceed. One word. “Sev.”
He stares at me, frozen for a moment. “You’re talking to me.”
“Sev’s gone.” I pull the blanket over my face.
But Luokai peels it back. “We can figure it out. Sole says she’s already made progress on the antidote.”
An antidote? To death? His calm is something I’d like to smash. Not only is everyone dead, but this Seph just saved my life. I don’t like owing people.
Luokai’s long blink dissolves into something horrified as he stares at me, more of an expression on his face than I’ve seen on him since we met. “She’s not… Skies above, June. Jiang Sev isn’t dead. She’s Asleep. Like her mother was. There’s an antidote, and it’s complicated. They have to figure out the right dosage, and it’s dangerous, but there’s a chance they can wake her up. Sole didn’t say any more.” A little bit of a smile curls at the corner of his mouth. “Well. Until just now. She hadn’t sent anything in a few days, but this morning she sent me a message to go die.”
I’m too cold to feel anything at all other than Sev’s alive, Sev’s alive, Sev’s alive.
“Don’t you understand what that means?” Luokai leans forward. “Howl must have made it. The only other person who knew I had the link was Howl. If Sole knows I’m not Howl, then Howl must have told her I was the one on the other end, so he must be alive.”
Sole. The girl he left with Howl, the one he wants back in his family.
He smiles a little more. “They’re alive, June. Howl and Sev are alive. We’re not that far from them. There are supplies here.” He gestures to the cave. “If we go together, we can make it. We can get Mantis. We can live again. If you take me with you, then I can help with… everything. Compulsions. I know how to get into the Mountain.”
Words don’t usually come easy for me, but… “You infected me.”
Luokai’s swallows. “I need you, June. Without help I’ll never make it back.”
My chest feels tight. “You hurt me. You broke my head.”
Luokai’s eyes well up with tears. “I’m sorry. I know an apology won’t fix it. But I was sorry as it happened and I’m sorry now.”
I feel the wind again, tousling my hair. Dad was always sorry too, but it didn’t stop him from hurting me.
“What I did was wrong, and I’ve been trying to make up for it every moment since. My whole life has been full of doing things the wrong way. With my brother. With Sole. And now you.” He looks down, his lower lip trembling. “I want SS to be gone. This cycle of hurting needs to stop. It wasn’t just you I hurt that night. I wanted more from life than a cold room and people to restrain me back when compulsions come. I don’t want to exist in a state of waiting anymore.” He holds up the link. “The girl on the other end of this thing is all I ever wanted from this life. I was too afraid of…” He takes a ragged breath. “Too afraid of what I became. As if SS made me into a new creature. Something that shouldn’t mix with humans or animals, too warped to belong anywhere here on this Earth.”
Like Dad. Like me now.
Luokai shakes his head. “But I never was that creature or any kind of creature at all. It’s the choices that have made me… less.” He sighs. “I shouldn’t have forced Howl and Sev to leave you. I shouldn’t have infected you. But the part of us that is sick doesn’t diminish us. I don’t deserve to be alone, and neither do you.” He looks out toward the cave’s mouth, toward the snowstorm, the ice, the woods that will swallow us up. “Together we might be able to survive. I need you, June,” he repeats. “But even more than that, I want you with me.”
I cough, my lungs contracting hard inside me, thinking over my years running through the trees with Dad. Away from him. Who would I have become without him? His soft way of signing to me, his gentle hands, the way he hugged me and kept me close when his mind was clear. And that last night, when he told me to go because he couldn’t let himself hurt me anymore.
I hated him and loved him. Back then, I knew if I wanted to keep breathing that Dad wasn’t going to be any help. After that day at the river, I could see in his eyes that he knew it too.
But then Howl and Sev walked into our camp, and Dad set me free.
He loved me. It squeezes out of me, tears like fire on my cheeks. No matter how hard I tried to put him inside the gore skin, the gore voice that tells me everything wrong with me and the world, that wasn’t him. He loved me, and I loved him. And him giving me away was his last desperate gift.
The gore inside me sighs, and it’s as if a weight on my chest has been lifted. If Dad loved me, if he wanted to keep me so badly but still let me go, then maybe even with SS, I’m not just a little lost girl.
Luokai’s voice jerks my attention from my thoughts. “It was so close, you falling through that ice. I don’t know what I would have done if you had, June. Not just because of what Howl would think or the cure or because of compulsions. Because you deserve to live.”
His eyes are closed, that stillness that takes him when he’s trying to calm his brain, like a sheet over his head. Pushing compulsions away as I’ve only seen Luokai do. Parhat, Tian, Cas. Even Dad. They never saw them coming well enough to try. Luokai’s fingers tap-tap-tap against his knee, his arms shaking. “The hole. It was so dark. And you were down inside it.”
His spine snaps straight. And then he stands. Turns toward the cave opening. Goes out into the snow. I pull myself up, folding the blanket around me as I follow him outside. Icy water soaks through my socks as I trail after him until we reach the river—right where the ice cracked under my feet.
I start running before my brain catches up, the gore yelling in my head and my wind at my back pushing me faster. You could let him go, but what would it help? they say. It would just be more death. But if you help, even with all he’s done, you can stop the cycle.
Isn’t that what he called it? The cycle of hurting.
I’m quick, the wind and the gore both beside me as I crash into Luokai’s back and wrap my arms tight around his legs to keep him from walking.
Luokai screams something in Port Northian, words I don’t understand, as he claws at my arms, then drags me along with him, heading toward a black spot in the ice. The hole.
I trip him. Throw the blanket over his head and sit on his back, stuffing his face down into the snow so all he can do is writhe.
Luokai saved my life, so I owe him. He also kind of took it away, so maybe I don’t.
But neither one’s the reason I stay with him until he goes still, his hands gathering up to his chest as the shivering cold takes him.
I slide off him and offer him a hand up. He wipes a streak of blood from his nose, his eyes following the red without surprise. We limp back to the cave together, Luokai wraps the blanket back around me, and it’s the first time I’ve thought that maybe some people are worth giving a second chance—not just
for them, but for me.
Later, once we’re warm again, Luokai watches as I begin packing up things from the cave. The food, waterskins, and other supplies that will keep us alive. “You’re going?” he asks.
I zip the pack shut. “We are.”
CHAPTER 47 Sev
THE DEAD LYING IN THE open compound seem to watch me as I run into the trees. Are they all dead because I wouldn’t give Dr. Yang the cure? Dead because there aren’t enough masks or enough Mantis to go around? Dead because I ran, like the Menghu lying in her own blood back inside the morgue? I’ve never killed anyone before. Not with my own hands, anyway. Wouldn’t… couldn’t, even when it mattered. And now they all watch me, asking if what I’m doing was really worth their lives.
My hands aren’t clean. Maybe they never were, every person who has been killed because of me a drop of red on my palm. Is the cure worth it? Exchanging all of these lives for the hope that more lives might be saved in the future? How can I even measure something like that?
Then Mother’s voice comes back to me: They made their decisions. You make yours.
Running is hard, all the adrenaline from waking up and seeing Howl spent, leaving me an empty husk. The trees are large enough that the fluffy coating of new snow on the ground is patchy, and I can pick my way through without leaving too many footprints. My bare feet ache, then burn, then go numb as I creep along. One hand touches the tape on my stomach. I’d almost forgotten the Chairman stuck a link there, but I’m too tired to remove it.
I reach a tree with low enough branches and climb. When I’m halfway up, a man shambles under the cover of my tree, his black eyes glinting as he looks up at me in the falling darkness. Prickles dust across my skin as he smooths a hand across his naked face, the shadows making him look more monster than human. I hold extra still, wondering if he’s the man on the other side of Kasim’s link or if he just heard me limping along and felt hungry. He isn’t wearing Menghu green or a City jerkin and looks worn around the edges, as if every bit of him has been sanded down.
“You can walk, I take it?” he finally says.
“I’m sort of hoping you can’t climb,” I whisper back, under my breath. He smiles, showing me a mouthful of broken teeth.
“I can,” he answers. “But if I have to chase you down from that tree, it’ll make getting back to Sole a little more difficult.” My stomach calms for only a second at the name of my friend. Howl said she tried to kill him. That she wants to kill me. And Kasim made it pretty obvious why he broke me out. For my head.
The man scrubs a hand through his hair, looking down for a moment. “I already moved the medic, but he isn’t going to last long out here. Neither will you, holding still. You’re shivering so badly that Dr. Yang’s soldiers can probably feel it from their barracks.”
My shaking has taken control of my arms and legs, spasming in my abdomen. Sole is reasonable. If I tell her about the cure, then she’ll help me get to it.
I hope.
I take the climb down slow, wincing when my numb feet hit the ground. The man looks me over once, then gestures for me to follow him. We walk parallel to Dr. Yang’s base until we come to a man lying prone under a tree. I stumble down next to him, his shoulder marked dark red. “Xuan?”
Xuan’s eyes peel open, a breath twitching his Second jerkin up and down. His mouth opens, and I’m ready to laugh at anything he says, anything to tell me he’s all right. Instead, the man grabs Xuan’s arm, jerking him up from the ground, provoking a flood of salty language that makes Xuan sound like a very angry robot as it comes streaming through his mask.
“Clothes are in my pack in there.” The man catches my eye and points to the twisted tree trunk. “Make it quick. Patrols are already out here looking for you.”
Hands numb, I draw a pack out from the hollow and pull out a pair of canvas pants, a shirt. Socks and boots. A warm green coat with a tiger’s snarl at the collar. My stomach twists as I duck behind the tree and put them on. Once I’m changed, the man has Xuan on his feet, the medic’s arm linked over his shoulder. He starts off, his pace too long for Xuan, so he’s almost dragging him. “Keep your mask. It’ll protect you if they use gas. We’re going to have to run.”
* * *
I don’t recognize the forest as the guide leads us. Hardly notice passing time, only that my feet get colder and colder, and I begin to worry about frostbite. Xuan doesn’t speak to me or the man, holding his side as still as he can, hand balled up against the wounds in his shoulder.
We walk all night, through hills and trees. We walk until the sun bursts into the sky, but the slight warmth isn’t enough. I find myself wishing for more suns in the sky today, which makes me think of the story of the archer who shot down the suns, which makes me think about Howl and June—and then I have to stop thinking or I’ll explode.
When we finally come to a cave’s mouth, my brain is completely dull, hardly registering as the ground swallows us down. The light flashing when the guide places his palm against the rock is a little more familiar, though when the telescreen begins to glow, it’s only a barb of light that imprints against my eyes and then disappears. No questions of who we are, ID chip verification, quarantine, or confiscation of weapons. No muck-encrusted showers. Just a black hole and a stranger leading me down it.
Inside the tunnel, a light fixture ignites, revealing a passage clogged with Menghu. The bones clasped about their wrists and necks seem to call to me, cackling with each movement they make.
“She’s the one Sole wants,” my guide says. He points to Xuan. “Take him to the quarantine.”
“No, he stays with me.” I clear my throat, trying to blink away the blurriness in my eyes. Xuan hardly looks between the two of us. For once, he’s out of words.
Inside, I lean against the little cubicle into which Xuan disappears to get his SS levels checked. The Menghu standing at attention stare as I unbuckle my mask, pull it from my face, and take a grateful breath. The moment it’s off, I regret it, the guards’ eyes eating at the birthmark under my chin. It’s just like the one Mother had, as good as an identification card: I am their cure, if only they can tear me open and drink my insides.
Our guide from Outside has to go into a cubicle as well. When both he and Xuan reemerge from the SS tests with a clean bill of health, we proceed past an air-locked door, the fittings new. On the other side, our guide points to Xuan’s mask. “Air’s safe in here. Let’s have those.”
I hand mine over to one of the guards trailing after us, trying not to watch Xuan’s hands flex at his sides, not quite ready to give up the barrier between him and SS.
“Why aren’t you taking your mask off?” Xuan asks the same Menghu. The man doesn’t answer, one Menghu grabbing hold of Xuan by the shoulders and bending him over so another can undo his mask’s clasps. When they let go of Xuan, his face looks so much smaller without a mask. His eyes follow the two guards until they disappear around the corner.
Our guide takes us in the opposite direction, past more people than I could have imagined living down here underground with an SS bomb waiting to explode just overhead. Men, women, children, most of whom do not seem to be wearing any sort of uniform. The halls seem to stretch forever in long lines in every direction, though we don’t get to find out how long forever really is because we turn down a side hall into what looks like a sick bay.
Sole kneels on the floor by a bed just inside, a young man lying pale against the bedsheets. She’s holding his hand, the patient’s fingers threaded through hers, white-knuckled as he grasps at her. “Only a few more minutes,” she murmurs. “A few more minutes and you won’t be able to feel it.”
“I hurt, Sole.” Tears steam down the patient’s cheeks, his hands dwarfing Sole’s. “When the gun fired…”
I can’t force myself to move from the doorway, watching her whisper to the man until his eyes drift shut. Our guide clears his throat. Sole’s shoulders jolt in surprise, and she takes her time unthreading her fingers from the patient’s,
smoothing his hair back from his forehead before turning toward us. Even then she doesn’t quite meet my eyes or the Menghu’s, her attention pulled to the blood on Xuan’s shoulder.
“Where do you want her?” our guide whispers, as if he’s afraid a full voice would startle her.
“I think we need to get this one into bed.” Sole nods to Xuan. “What’s your name?”
Xuan swallows painfully as he tells her, somehow unable to keep himself from adding, “The bed thing is low-hanging fruit, but I think I lost my personality on the way here. Pretend I said something funny.”
Our guide backs out through the door, then reappears with another medic to lead Xuan away. I put a hand on Xuan’s arm before he can go. “Are you going to be okay?” I ask quietly.
Xuan gives me a shadow of a smile. “So sympathetic. Tell you what, if you ever get shot, I’ll ask you stupid questions too.” He turns to the medic waiting to lead him away. “If we figure out this whole cure thing, I expect a double dose for getting Jiang Sev here.” The medic rolls his eyes and leads Xuan out of the room.
Sole is staring at me, blinking too irregularly, but when she does it takes too long. I kneel down so I’m at her level by the edge of the young man’s bed. “I need your help, Sole.”
“Why don’t you go get some food?” She looks past me to the broken-toothed man who brought me in. He narrows his eyes, his fingers twitching as he looks me over again, but then nods and leaves the sick bay. Standing, Sole’s hands tremble a little as she checks the young man’s IV and vitals one more time before going to the door. “Let’s walk. You can tell me how Mei ended up captured when she and Kasim went in to break you out. Or maybe where Howl is. I hoped he’d be with you.” Her voice darkens, but I’m not sure what she’s insinuating. That Howl ran off again, maybe?
“Mei?” I lick my lips. “Was she the Menghu who was helping Kasim? And Howl didn’t run away, if that’s what you mean. Didn’t Kasim tell you what happened? Howl tried to distract the soldiers after us so I could get away.” But then I remember. Kasim wasn’t there with Howl and Tai-ge. And when he carried me out of the garrison, he just said Howl had screwed up his rescue attempt. “Howl’s still there in a cell. That’s one of the things I need your help with.”
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