by Cindi Jones
SQUIRREL CAGE
Cindi Jones
© 2012 Cindi Jones. All rights reserved.
Published by Cindi Jones
Third Edition
All rights reserved
This book may not be reproduced or transmitted in whole or in part in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without the written permission of the publisher, except where permitted by law.
Cover Art by: A deviant mind.
Preface
When I thought about telling my life story, it was to be a means to transmit my life history to my children. I’ve never been happy about sharing an edited edition of my diaries. There are many topics that do not translate well as they commingle with the thoughts and events of every day life. Additionally, key turning points in my life happened in but a few moments or days and require many pages to present. A retelling of my diaries would be lopsided and quite honestly, very boring.
I decided to present my story as a collection of essays. Each essay can stand on its own as a topic in this volume. This means that the chronology may overlap. Please do not let this confuse you. It has been my desire to focus on single topics as much as is possible in each essay.
Squirrel in my essays is not a deliberate literary device. Squirrel was a self-invented character and well established in my mind as a child. Squirrel accompanies my earliest memories. I later came to realize that Squirrel was my mischievous muse. The Rusty was similarly a real nightmare character in my childhood dreams.
For my friends and family, I have changed all names to protect your identities. I have also eliminated names of companies and corporations. I live my life in “stealth”. Since my surgeries, I have woven my life back into society’s normalcy. The name “Cindi Jones” is my pen name. I prefer to be left alone in the privacy of my life.
To my family, I hope that this text will help you understand your son, brother, husband, and father who felt compelled to change his gender to female. You will connect familiar events to my conundrum. You will also learn many facts I have not shared until now. I believe that you all are ready to learn the complete story. My family is very special to me and they always will be. As with any biographical work, there may be different points of view as to actually what happened. I have tried to treat everyone as fairly as possible. I have tried to focus on my problem and only include details where necessary to help understand the “why” of what happened. To them I caution; read the whole book.
To my friends, I thank you for helping me compile these essays by recalling stories, drudging up old photographs, and helping me remember some of the good times we had.
To those who have proof read essays for me, let me thank you from the bottom of my heart. You gave me the courage to remember many sorrows and record my life’s most painful and precious moments.
If you purchased this book because you are trying to resolve similar problems, I sympathize with you. These essays are written for you too. Your journey can be at best be called challenging. At worst, it is a nightmare that seems to never end. I hope you find help in these pages. And may you find the peace you are searching for.
If you are reading this book because it looks like a good read, I’m hopeful that my sentiments reach you through my most inadequate words.
Cindi Jones
Rise from the fall, part 1
I sat uncomfortably, staring at the base of Dean’s desk. He took a long drag from his cigarette as he reviewed a memo from the plant manager. My feet twitched, unaccustomed to the stiff Florsheim shoes. I reported directly to Dean, our VP of marketing. As a non Mormon he had been a bit on the outside at the company and he had been very decent to me. I knew that it had been difficult for him to be a part of the senior management team. I’m not sure that he had ever been fully accepted or included in major decisions. And I knew that my personal escapades had been a strain on his management effectiveness.
He peered over the manila folder and sized me up squirming in the chair. I wore the old blue standard with the red silk power tie. I had never in my life felt so out of place. My head felt naked with my beautiful golden locks gone. My face had fully recovered from electrolysis but it didn’t match the suit I wore. I was scared out of my mind and I could feel the vile climbing in my throat. Squirrel, my muse, was sleeping. She had never slept before.
“David,” he said as he let go a lung full of smoke, “I have a memo here from the general manager and I’ve been asked to present it to you.” I did not know the contents. After all, I had only been back to work for 40 minutes or so. But I knew that the shock to everyone would generate some kind of reprimand. I thought that I was going to be fired. He passed me the memo but would not give me the chance to read it just yet. “David, I’ve tried to help you but you have really tied my hands with this. I just don’t know what I can tell you. Go, ahead and take a look at the memo.”
My hands could hardly hold the page. My head pounded as I peered at the paper with blurry eyes. The memo had the standard headings and was addressed to David Steele.
“David, we have received your request to change your name from Cindi Jones back to David Steele. As you are aware we have already accommodated your change of identity once before. We will make the change you have requested but please be advised that another such request shall result in the termination of your employment.”
Tears burst into my eyes as I exploded in response “But I have made no such request Dean! They can’t change my name like that.” Dean was patient and I could tell that he felt almost as uncomfortable as I did.
“Look David. Last Friday you were here as Cindi Jones. Today, you show up in a business suit with your hair cut off. Seriously David, what did you expect?”
The tears streamed down my face. “But Dean, they can’t change my name,” I whimpered.
“Look David, why don’t you go settle back in to your office for a while and we can talk later?”
“Okay,” I agreed. This sounded like it would give me a chance to think things over.
I went back to my office, quietly closed the door behind me, and slumped into my chair. What had I done? How had I screwed life up so royally? I knew that this was what I had to do for my family. But why was everything so undeniably wrong? Oh what was I going to do? What would come next? “Where are you Squirrel?”
I was jolted from the chair when the door swung open wide and Dan poked his head in as he did every morning. He was always such a happy fellow. “Good Morning Cindi…. Ah…. I… ah…. Well I can see that you are upset so I’ll leave you alone”.
As he left, the office door flung wide open. And within few minutes a steady string of my office mates strolled past my door to catch a glimpse of the latest installment of what had become known as “the daily soap”. My secretary arrived late and came rushing in exclaiming, “Cindi, I’m so sorry for being… ahh, I…. Oh Cindi, what have you done? Let me close the door.”
For the next 15 minutes I detailed the events of the weekend. “And now,” I continued “I realize that they have finally beat me down, Amy. They have won and I have lost.”
Amy did not know what to say but I recognized true compassion in her eyes. She pulled up a chair and held my hands for a while and we both shed some more tears. Her makeup streamed down her face and she choked up. Finally, she dismissed herself to go to the restroom to clean her face. “I’ll be back,” she promised. I asked her to close the door on the way out.
I slumped back into my chair and wondered what was going to happen to me. Since my official duties had been secretly assigned to someone else, I had nothing to do. I just sat there and watched the rain outside. And then the suicidal swell of certainness filled my chest. Yes, tha
t would be the only way out of this. I remembered the very first attempt but the rifle had been removed from my closet and hidden by my family. The second time failed as well as the belt broke when I kicked the stool away. No one except for my therapist knew of these incidents. “No, I said to myself, hanging won’t work. The only sure way is the magic bullet. I still have it in my car. I could go out and purchase another rifle.”
I opened my desk drawer and fumbled with the keys while I sorted out the details to end my life. I don’t know how long I sat there stupefied in thought. “Please Squirrel, help me think this through.”
Amy burst back into the office. “Cindi, please, before you do anything, call your therapist. You must do this for me.”
Amy had incredible insight. She had been the first real friend that I’d ever had. “I want to see you call her. And I’m not going to leave until I do.” Amy found the number in my Rolodex and dialed it for me. When the call was answered on the other end, she passed me the handset.
“May I speak to doctor Rantz?” I queried.
The voice on the other end of the line replied, “I’m sorry but she is not available right now, may I have her call you back?”
I answered in the affirmative. I told the receptionist that I was going through a suicidal moment and left my name, Cindi Jones, and my telephone number.
“Are you going to be alright for a few minutes Cindi?” Amy asked. I responded that I would get by. “Look I’ve been asked to do a few things by one of the VP’s. I’ll drop in on you later,” she explained.
I told her that she may have just saved my life. She paused and turned her head towards me. She said nothing and did not need to. She forced a smile and left.
Dr Rantz called me right back. “Cindi, what has happened?” she asked.
I briefly explained the events of the weekend. How my will had finally collapsed, that I had cut my hair off, committed to my ex wife that I was going come back, and had come to work dressed as a man.
“Cindi, this is serious, are you okay?” she queried.
I told her what I had been contemplating.
“Look Cindi, I want you to check in at the Mercy hospital. I have an associate that runs a program there. We can protect you for the next several days and I can look in on you while we sort this all out. Is there anyone there that can drive you up there?”
Not thinking, I answered “No.”
“Are you still on speaking terms with your parents?” she queried.
I answered “yes, sort of.” Why had I not thought to ask Amy to help? “Oh well,” I thought to myself, “I just don’t have the will or strength to change the current course of this roller coaster.”
“Cindi,” Dr. Rantz said, interrupting my endless parallel train of thought, “let me call them and I’ll get right back to you. Please just sit down and don’t go anywhere okay?” I promised that I’d stay put.
I stared back out the window and watched the dreary rain fall. My eyes would swell to tears and I would breathlessly attempt to hold them back. “Drip, drip, drip”. A small distant rumble of thunder accompanied the phone as it rang.
“Cindi, this is Dr. Rantz again. I have talked to your parents and they are going to take you to the Mercy Hospital. Okay?”
“Sure,” I mumbled.
“Cindi, make sure that they take you to the Mercy, Okay?”
“Okay,” I replied.
Dr. Rantz continued, “I have rearranged my schedule and I’ll be able to meet you there Cindi. Please don’t worry. We can sort this out. Your parents said that they would be down there in about 30 minutes. When I talked to them 10 minutes ago, they said that they were on their way out the door. So they should be there in 20 minutes. I’ll be at the hospital in a half hour to meet you.” Her calm steady tone reassured me and for the first time in two long hours, I felt some solace.
I waited. The rain picked up and pounded the parking structure next door. The wind was blowing now and the water streamed down the tall windows. I stood up and put my nose to the window. I felt the cold seep through the glass. It felt nice. The well of suicidal thought invaded my mind and my knees failed. Squirrel had abandoned me.
The phone rang again. “Cindi, this is Dr. Rantz again. I am now at the hospital. Have your parents not come yet?”
“No,” I replied. “They are probably just tied up in traffic with the rain and all”.
“Okay,” she replied, “I will wait here until you can come. I want to make sure that you are alright”.
“Thanks so much,” I responded.
The wind blew stronger pushing the dead leaves in circles outside and I fell back into my thoughts, wishing that the weekend had never happened. I watched out the window of my second floor office down on the entrance way. “Where are they?”
The time ticked by slowly and Dr Rantz called back two more times. She was very worried that something was wrong. Just before she hung up on the second call, I could see my parents’ car pulling into the parking area. “They are here,” I told her.
“Good,” she said. I’ll see you here in a few minutes.
I ran into Amy as I left my office. “Will you tell Dean that I’ll be out the rest of the day Amy?”
“Sure I will Cindi. I’ll call you tonight. Please be careful. I care for you a great deal and I’d hate to see anything happen to you.”
I walked out into the rain. I looked up at the sky and let the rain fall on my face. I was dying. My life force was flowing down the gutters with the rain. Squirrel was dead. Dad pulled up and I got in the car. I didn’t say anything and neither did my parents. We headed toward the city and then got onto the Freeway and headed north.
“Dad, where are we going? I’m supposed to meet Dr. Rantz at Mercy. She is waiting there for me.”
Mom pulled down her visor and glared through the mirror at me rather than to turn to talk to me. “Your father and I have decided that you need to get out of this immoral path to destruction. We have contacted a recommended doctor at St. Ben’s in Ogden and we are taking you there”.
I stopped breathing and started planning how I would get back to my car for the magic bullet.
Rise from the fall, part 2
“Swish, swish, swish”. The windshield wipers were the only sound playing in the back of my mind as I tried to figure out how to get out of this mess. Here I was trapped in my parents’ car speeding towards the loony bin. “Swish, Swish”. How was I going to get back to my car? Maybe I could make a break for it before getting into the hospital and find a buss or hitch a ride back to Salt Lake. No, that wouldn’t work. The new St. Benedict’s hospital was built outside the city in a country setting. “Swish, swish”.
Dad turned up the speed on the wipers as the rain picked up. Traffic was very light and we approached Ogden faster than I hoped for.
Finally, Mom, spoke up. “David, after your therapist called, we called around and found a highly recommended psychiatrist at St. Ben’s. We called him and discussed your problem. He assured us that he could work with you and help you with your problem”.
“Great, I hope that this guy doesn’t think that I’m fascinated with door knob handles like the last quack,” I murmured.
“We then made arrangements for you to stay at the hospital until this thing is resolved,” Mom continued.
Dad turned his lights on as the rain-drenched car sped towards my doom. “Swish, swish, swish”. I was numb. I felt nothing. I didn’t care about anything any more. I knew that my job was history. I knew that I could not ever go back to being a man. How was I going to get back to my car? 40 minutes passed by and Dad turned into the driveway of the hospital. What would be next?
Dad parked the car and he opened the door for me. “I’m sorry David, that life is so hard to you,” he stated.
“Let’s hurry and get in there,” Mom said.
Reluctantly, I got out of the car. The rain let up and the sun shown through a few breaks in the clouds. The rays of light sparkled to the ground bouncing on mois
ture particles as it cascaded from the sky. Finally, there was some beauty on the dreariest day of my life.
I slogged through the water with my parents, looking at those ugly Florshiems splashing with each step. Dad opened the door for us and we went into the reception area. Back then, the insurance exam was not needed to qualify for entrance into the hospital. Mom announced our names and that we were there as scheduled to see the doctor. It took only a couple of minutes. Or maybe it was longer. I didn’t pay too much attention to the activities going on around me. I was still fixated on my wet shoes.
The receptionist asked me for the contents of my pockets.
“Huh?” was my response.
“We need to collect your personal articles so that we can put them in a safe,” she said. I wearily handed her my wallet and my keys. “Do you have anything else?” she queried.
“What else could there be?” I asked in response. “Like a watch, clippers, or pocket knife?” She asked.
“Yea, here is my watch” I answered as I removed it. I then handed it to her. I noticed that two young men in white were standing next to us. “Where did they come from and who are they?” I asked.
“They are here to help you to your room,” Was the answer. “Right out of a Jack Nicholson movie,” I thought. “This is getting worse by the second.”
“Okay, these two young men will take you to your room,” the receptionist said.
“May we go with them?” my mother asked.
“No.” answered the lady in white. The two very nice goons led me to a set of double doors. They rang the buzzer and a nurse opened one door to let me in. She motioned to me to follow and all three of us passed into the loony bin. The nurse directed me to a room right next to the nurse’s station. She opened the door and ushered me in. My escorts stood outside. “Take a seat dear and we’ll get back to you just as soon as we can,” she explained. I took a seat in one of the plastic chairs in the room and she closed the door.