The Fell Good Flue

by Miller, Robin

  I said, “they’re not making a lot of things anymore, so enjoy what we got when we got it. Let me know and I will take you shopping, the bear is no longer at the mall.”

  Brandy, “I don’t like the snakes in that place, but if you check it out first we could pick up a few things. More diapers is high on my list, and a diamond necklace for the eagle pendant TT gave me would be nice.”

  I said, “okay, but two hundred million is my limit, I’m not breaking into a vault for you.” She said, “oh I’m sure I can find something in that range, yellow would be nice.” I said, “I haven’t seen a canary yellow diamond necklace this side of the museum, but I’ll keep my eye out.”

  Brandy, “I haven’t shopped there in a long time either, what good are shiny stones that are so plentiful the squirrels won’t even trade a nut for them?”

  I said, “I have one that’s good for cutting glass, but never carry more, a light load travels faster.” I sipped my tea after taking a bit of the cookies, then said, “these are good. What did you put in them?”

  She said, “cinnamon, sliced nuts and raisins, plus honey. They are still a bit chewy right now, but should firm up by tomorrow.”

  I said, “it already is tomorrow.”

  Brandy, “I would try to be cleaver by saying, then the yesterday from the day after tomorrow, but we know they will not last that long.”

  I said, “this one barely made it to today.”

  She said, “I’m surprised you didn’t wake up when I made them, and I had a talk with Daisy about some of the things you said.”

  I said, “what did she say?”

  Brandy, “she said you were working too hard, or I was working on you too hard, one or the other.”

  I said, “both are about right. Did you tell her about the brownies?”

  She said, “they must of slipped my mind.”

  I said, “whenever I’m talking about Daisy and say something like, they slipped my mind, you tend not to believe me.”

  Brandy, “yes, but we are not talking about brownies anymore, are we?”

  I said, “the way she has been tanning up we may well be.”

  She said, “then I will need to get some more sun myself.”

  I said, “I don’t mind you getting lots of sun, I know the neighbors are all for it, some say I should be getting more myself.”

  Brandy, “they say your ass needs a good tanning, not you need more sun.”

  I said, “yes, that’s the part, but the men think it’s fine.”

  She said, “it is, that’s why it needs a good tanning to keep it in shape.”

  I said, “we are no longer talking about the sun, are we?”

  Brandy, “no, we are talking about a moon and how bright it can be made to shine.” I said, “and I suppose you have a special lotion for that as well.”

  She said, “as a matter of fact I do.”

  I said, “is this part of the movie you and Dizzy want me to make?”

  Brandy, “me spanking you on tape would sell rather well, so stop calling her Dizzy.” I said, “you’re the one that makes me dizzy, both with your words and what you can do with your hands, and I’m not talking about your cooking.”

  She said, “too bad the recorder in the vet was not working, you said I was cooking then.” I said, “I will be writing this all down for Sage to read one day.”

  Brandy, “well there’s no longer any minimum age for X rated material, so use your best judgment, but just being suggestive has worked for me.”

  I said, “yes, and your suggestions are just what I’m going to write about.”

  She said, “then you better start taking notes, because I got some suggestions for you, and you may want to use some lotion with that.”

  I said, “I left my note pad in the bedroom on the stand.”

  Brandy, “how convenient.”

  I said, “it’s late and I’m going to bed now.”

  She said, “now you’re on the right track.”

  I said, “I should of said back to sleep, but this time where I can stretch out.”

  Brandy, “yes, there are parts of you that need stretching out.”

  I said, “and I’m sure you have a lotion for that as well, but I need my rest.”

  She said, “don’t worry, I know how to relax you too.”

  I said, “I’m already so relaxed I need to get to my bed, and that’s where I’m going before anything more happens.”

  I got up and headed for the bedroom with her saying, “that’s right dear, put that in your notes that your bed is where it happens.”

  With care my steps were steady, I walked to my room and sat down on the bed, then made some notes about the day and slipped under the covers. Before I was asleep again Brandy slipped in with me, and soon I was off to dreamland again. The rest of the night passed without being disturbed, and morning found me rested.

  Like an alarm clock, a ray of sun hit the mirror, reflected by another outside. It was the first beam of light for the city, and in my face to say hello. My eyes flickered without opening, as they could feel the heat of the light outside, then slowly winked a bit. I put my hand over my eyes then opened them up to see daylight was coming. I took a deep breath and glance over to see Brandy still sleeping, then turned my head toward the window. Just enough light was coming trough to see the glass and the rest of the room a bit, so I slipped out of bed and put on my robe, then went to the bathroom. I had a thirty story building, but this was the only working flush toilet in the place. I splashed my face with some water, then dried it off with a towel while I had a proper sit down. As I was doing that, it came to me to take Brandy shopping today, I know diapers were on the list. After a flush and washing my own ass, I used another towel to dry that, then looked in the cabinet for a pain pill. We had all the good stuff from a pharmacy that was not to badly raided before us, and I knew just the right one for the job. But it was no more doctor please some more of these, and outside the door take four more, because it’s a drag getting old. We only had what we had, and that would have to do for the rest of our lives, or until we found more. So popping one down, and a drink of water later, decided to give it a chance to work before taking any more. Then off to the kitchen I went to see if the fire was still warm. Just a stir and a handful of dry wood shavings got it going, then a few sticks and some coal set it right. A log put in before Brandy went to bed had even keep the water hot, so I made tea. Then with cookies in hand the seat got my attention, and I had a smoke while looking out the window. Over the tops of the buildings the sun was trying to climb, reaching out with its grip on the day, and a warm glow filled the air. Birds were taking to the air, and trying to be first at the worm that would soon feel the sun and duck back down. No clouds were in sight, and the morning breeze was light, as well as having the scent of someone cooking meat. I thought to myself, “an omelet is what I need about now, with mushrooms and cheese.”

  So I picked up my tea and went back into the kitchen. There I chopped up some green peppers and onions, and fried them up, then stirred in some mushrooms and eggs. When it was about ready I put the cheese in and made toast.

  Brandy woke up and came in saying, “smells good, I’ll have a cup of tea with that.” I said, “the water is hot, help yourself, I made toast as well.”

  I sat down and gave her room in the kitchen, then started eating.

  Brandy, “which mushrooms did you use to make these omelets?”

  I said, “I don’t remember, I had not even had my tea yet when I put them in, you will just have to take your chances.”

  She said, “it’s not me that I’m worry about, it’s your son, he is still nursing and does not need to trip on my milk.”

  I said, “I’m sure I used the right ones, check the bags to see which is lighter if you like.” Brandy, “I can tell just by looking at them, but in eggs it can be hard, good thing Sage has already had his breakfast.”

  I said, “he is always getting to it before me.”

  She said,
“he’s usually up before you as well, or at least I am, today you got a jumpstart.” I said, “a good night’s sleep and the first ray of the sun will do that.”

  Brandy, “yes, your sunrise alarm, that has woke me up more times than you.” I said, “that’s only when your breast are in my face.”

  She said, “you’re lucky it’s not something else.”

  I said, “often it is.”

  Brandy, “well good morning to you as well, you know you love it,” and she brought her plate to the table.

  I said, “loving it is what tires me out in the first place, and good morning to you too.” She laughed and buttered her toast while saying, “now don’t spread it too thick, or people will not believe you.”

  I said, “people would not believe the truth, and neither do I.”

  Brandy, “well then it’s a good thing reality is a place you get away from, time and again.” I said, “the whole world has been working overtime on getting away from reality for years, I’m just trying to find it from time to time. Remember, staying sane in a insane world makes you abnormal.”

  Brandy, “abnormal is a good word for us, it would be crazy to try fitting in, especially when it’s an apocalyptic world.”

  I said, “I don’t know, we seem to have fit in quite well, just being one of five hundred or so that are still alive in this big city is saying a lot about how well we get by. The past five years have been a war with mankind and mother nature herself, only those that were able to bend with the wind stood the test, so reality keeps changing. And now we try to give back when we can, but enjoying the moment still has to hold plans.”

  Brandy, “so what plans have you made for this morning, or will that reality need to take care of itself?”

  I said, “shopping as promised of course, and I think dropping off the dear hide to Dan the tanner, he should have most of the work on the bear hide out of the way now.” Brandy, “that bear hide will come in handy when the weather turns cold, until then it could be useful on the liven room floor. And don’t worry about the budget, I’ll keep it under twohundred million shopping today, we don’t want to do anything to damage the economy or carry a heavy load.”

  I said, “that’s all I worry about, the load, it’s not like we are paying for anything except the world we left behind.”

  Brandy, “it’s too early to get down about the feel good flu, we’re just lucky not to of gotten it, and made it this far.”

  I said, “yes we are very lucky, and it’s strange to be said when you’re totally screwed at the same time. Like that old saying, “life is like a penis, when it’s soft you just can’t beat it, and when it’s hard you get screwed.”

  Brandy, “I remember that one, it’s so true.”

  We ate our food and she told me how good the omelet was, then we got ready to go out. By keeping the weight brought back down we were able to take the flyers, and were on our way. Part of the mall still had a roof that was safe to land on, and we went down to shop. I took the lead and looked out for snakes, as Brandy got a package of diapers off the shelf that had not been eaten by rats. Then we looked through the underwear, and got some more for each of us. I grabbed some things from the electronic store while Brandy picked up a new pan on our way, and Sage got his hands on a squeaking toy duck. We didn’t see anything we wanted at the jewelry store, so we flew to the museum and landed in a field nearby. Brandy was also packing a side arm this trip, and held one hand on it as we walked to the doors. Just inside was a statue of three boys playing together, a hacky sack on one knee, it was all out of silver and well tarnished. To the right was a large Egyptian urn, it had got water in it and a bush was growing. The floor showed our foot prints as we walked and cobwebs were everywhere. I keep my eye out for snakes, as well as Brandy. We walked around the first floor to the Egyptian exhibit, and there on a manikin of some queen was a yellow diamond necklace. We took that for Brandy’s pendant and looked around a bit more. Then I saw a pipe collection used by kings, and chose a few to take with me. I could always use another disposable pipe, after all, they get dirty fast. We were once called a throwaway society, and now that 90% of the world was thrown away as well, the things I tossed now were of the finest quality. The squeaking duck echoed in the empty halls as we walked by nails that no longer held paintings, and suits of armor from Japan. I picked up a gold coin and left it in the contribution box on the way out, then we were back in the air again. It was an easy take off, and I wasglad not to see any wild dogs, there were some in the area not accounted for.

  As we got airborne Brandy said, “I like shopping there, we come home with the best cargo.” On the way I dropped of the dear hide, and we landed on the top of a roof. After a tie down of our wings, we went down to the Dan’s tanning floor.

  As we walked up to him I said, “cargo and word,” then set the bag down.

  Dan said, “cargo accepted, load lightened, lighten it more with the word if it be not the bird.” I said, “the bird fly’s in the wind, and so did we, our wings are on the roof.”

  Dan, “even more of a reason to drop load, I take it this is the dear hide?”

  I said, “yes, just salted, I’ll have it hair on.”

  He said, “same as the bear, it will be ready soon, this high pressure equipment High Harry made works great. But it’s the chemicals you need to get right in the first place, and I have been lucky to get what’s needed, if it’s not done right rot can set in before you notice it.” I said, “you do good work, even the rats don’t want to eat it when you’re done with it.” Dan, “they sure stay away from this place, and so do most. How are you today Brandy?” Brandy, “I’m well thank you, we have just been shopping, no dogs at the mall or museum.” He said, “that’s good to hear. Did you fine what you needed?”

  Brandy, “yes, just diapers for Sage and underwear for me, I keep losing mine. I also got this new necklace for the pendant TT gave me.”

  Dan, “that’s a nice one, I like the color. And with those silver bracelets you look like a warrior princess from a super hero movie, all that’s needed is a leather skirt.”

  Brandy, “I have one of those, and a nice sword as well.”

  Dan, “that’s a nice 9mm on your side.”

  She said, “thank you, my husband has two just like it.”

  Dan, “as well as many others, I can see. I travel light myself, just this 357magnum, but don’t shoot much anymore.”

  I said, “ammo can be hard to come by at times, I hope not to run out of it for my new rifle.” Dan, “is that the one that brought down the dear?”

  I said, “yes, from the roof of a building near the creek.”

  Dan, “I was told it was a good shot, must be a nice scope as well.”

  I said, “yes, I can see half way across town with that one, and now I have a night-scope as well.” Dan, “then don’t be checking up on me through that thing without taking it off the rifle first, the last thing I need is another hole around here, especially in me.”

  I said, “like I said, ammo is not always easy to come by, so I make every shot count.” Dan, “another reason no one messes with you, which makes it safer to send a thing with you, and bring good trade. The meat from the bear traded well and gives you good credit, but the way you bring in food that’s never what you need, the hides I do free for you.” I said, “thank you, this is how we work together to meet each other’s needs. Did you do the bear head for TT?”

  Dan, “just the hide, another did the rest, and I hear TT made a cast of the real teeth before you got them and caved a set from clay. Sometimes his talents amaze me, I hear they look like the real thing.”

  I said, “Brandy and I were having a talk about reality just this morning, one of us may have decided it was best not to visit it too often.”

  Dan, “I hear you, and with these fumes I don’t muchanymore. But you do what you know, and help when you can, because just getting by is not enough anymore.”

  Brandy, “that’s right, sometimes you need to enjoy the f
iner things life has to offer, as well as trading fair. But you don’t seem too far gone, High Harry has you beat by a mile, and that’s strait up. Your fumes are nothing compared to what he makes, and his mushrooms will get you there even quicker.”

  Dan, “and still he made the fuel for the flyers, and keeps those two beautiful assistances of his. I’m never quite sure where his head is from time to time, but I often want to be in his shoes.” I said, “he was not wearing any when last I saw him, but he did have a smile on his face, then launched me into the air with a power sled.”

  Dan, “he sure comes up with some interesting things, but sometimes they get away from him. I heard he rigged a solar powered vehicle the other day, and it took off, last seen at the edge of town.”

  I said, “so that’s where that came from, I saw that in my scope, others have been watching it as well.”

  Dan, “yes, he needs to get it back before the sun goes down again, or put a battery in it.” I said, “but then it would just keep going, and so must we. It’s been nice to see you again, and I’ll check with you later.”

  Dan, “leaving so soon? I know, it’s the fumes, they drive everyone out, sometimes even me.” I said, “that’s why I don’t do it myself, I don’t like keeping harsh chemicals around the home, unless they come from mother nature.”

  Dan, “then safe journey, and thanks for the cargo and word.”

  We then went up to the flyers and took off, a strait flight home, didn’t even need the engines because the compressed air tanks were full. They ran the fans to give us enough lift to reach the wind, then we just glided across the sky to land on our roof. We tied them down, then went to our apartment to unload our cargo. Brandy put the diapers and underwear away, and set my new pipes on my stand, then looked through some of the other things I got. There were a set of megaphones and hand held CD player, as well as MP3 &4 players, if the original batteries were good they could be recharged. I could of picked up a new watch while I was there, but I was trying to make a statement by not wearing one, and a lot of people were joining me. I looked over my new pipes and chose one, then stuffed it with the good hash, thinking the king would of wanted it that way. Then I fired that gem encrusted gold pipe up, and sat back in my leather chair evaluating how smooth it was. It had a catch for a chain, and I found a nice one for, then hung the pipe from my neck while toking on it. I thought that this king sure knew what he was doing to have a chain for this, you don’t want to get stoned and lose something like a gem encrusted gold pipe, now do you? Of course he lost it long ago, and so did many others, now it was mine.