Turning in place, I tilt my glass toward him and take another drink. I don’t feel like pretending to give a shit that he’s here.
He runs a hand over his beard and looks to Cassie once more. “Can we talk?”
She nods, eyes flicking to me quickly before following him out of the kitchen. I think this is where I’m supposed to leave. Or apologize. Or do anything but what I’m actually doing, which is leaning up against the kitchen counter, straining my ears to hear their conversation in the next room.
It’s all muffled voices, but every now and then Grayson’s voice will boom out loud enough for me to hear. Mostly, when he’s saying my name.
This isn’t good.
Sighing, I dump the remains of my glass down the drain and flatten my palms on the counter, eyes closed. She wants him. She doesn’t want me. Do I even have a right to be upset about that? I’ve been with Skyler all this time, not realizing that I wanted Cassie, too. Or did I realize it and just ignore it? I’m not sure. It’s not fair for me to ask her for anything now, not when she’s right about my time. And even if I did have the time, do I deserve hers?
“Can you even deny it?! Look me in the eyes right now and tell me you feel nothing for him.” Grayson’s voice echoes into the kitchen and I’m sure I’m not the only one in the house who hears him. I strain my ears for her answer, but hear nothing until the front door slams.
Shit.
After a moment, Cassie shuffles back into the kitchen, the skin under her eyes red and puffy. Seeing her like that breaks me.
“Cassie,” I breathe her name, crossing the room in two full strides to pull her into me. But the moment my hands find her waist, she shrugs away like I’m a flame set to burn her. She crosses her arms tight over her middle, shielding herself from me—the threat, the danger, the problem.
“You need to go.”
My chest deflates. “Just—”
“Adam.” She cuts me off, her voice loud but laced with uncertainty. “You need to go.”
Everything in me screams for me not to leave, to force her to talk to me, but I’ve pushed her enough this semester. I didn’t realize the pain I was putting her through, and now that it’s all come to the surface, it’s all I can do to not kick my own ass. I may want to hold her right now, but it’s not what she wants. It’s time to let me be the one who hurts if it means she gets what she needs.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, as if it’s enough, as if I really know what I’m apologizing for. Am I sorry I kissed her? Hell no. Am I sorry she’s hurt right now? That I’m part of the reason? An ache in my chest answers that question for me.
I pause when my hand is on the back doorknob, words still left unsaid, but I push them back down and force myself forward through the door.
It’s not the first time I’ve left her without saying everything I wanted to, but it’s the first time I’ve worried I may never get the chance again.
RAIN POUNDS HARD on the pavement as I run, chest tight, legs burning across campus. I’ve been going for hours now. I stopped tracking after the first three miles. Every inch of my body is screaming for me to stop but I need the pain right now, I need it to consume me until it numbs me from my thoughts. I didn’t even bring my headphones. I don’t want the distraction, I just want the pain.
Though the rain is cold, the evening air is still warm from another spring day in Florida. My sneakers rub new blisters on my heels with every push, adding to the collection I’ve been building in the last week and a half since I last saw Shawna.
I’m not stupid enough to think racism doesn’t exist. I know it does. I’ve been the subject of it more times in my life than I care to recall. Still, Shawna was different—or so I thought. She opened me up in a way no one ever had before. She was everything I’d been looking for in a girl, everything I thought I’d never find. To find out all of that was an illusion, a dream shattered by reality in the form of her parents, killed me. Skyler tried to convince me I should give her a chance, let her explain. But what is there to explain, really? This is exactly why I don’t let myself get caught up in the girls I fuck. If I hadn’t learned my lesson before, I damn sure won’t forget now.
My hoodie is soaked, so I rip the zipper down and toss it in the yard of the Omega Chi house as I run past. Through the downpour, a faint voice calls out my name.
“Bear! Wait!”
I stop, squinting through the rain until Shawna’s frame comes into focus. She’s sprinting toward me, the rain assaulting her along the way. Her long hair sticks to her neck and chest as she reaches me, chest heaving. The ends of her jet black hair are purple once again and rain drops gather at the top of her glasses before sliding down the lenses.
For a long minute, she just stares at me, her breaths coming hard as she peers up at me through the rain. She’s so goddamn beautiful it takes every ounce of control left in me not to crash my mouth to hers and claim her as mine, even though she clearly isn’t.
“I prefer to work out alone,” I finally say, speaking loud enough to drown out the weather. A soft rumble of thunder sounds in the distance and I shift from one foot to the other, feeling the aches settle in every inch of my body the longer I stand there.
“I’m sorry!” She screams over the rain. “I was a complete asshole at Family Weekend. You were right to leave. You’re right to hate me right now. But you don’t understand my parents, you don’t understand my family. It’s complicated, Bear.”
“It doesn’t have to be. You’re your own person, Shawna. Man the fuck up and tell them what matters to you. Who matters to you.”
She rakes her fingers back through her soaked hair, squinting up to the sky. “Can we go somewhere to talk?”
“Depends. Are you going to call your parents and tell them we’re together?”
“It’s not that easy.”
“Actually, it is. It really fucking is,” I correct her.
“I don’t want to lose you over this. Please,” she pleads, her icy hands reaching out to grasp my forearms. “I just need some time.”
“Do you know how fucking hard it is to hear the first girl I’ve ever come close to loving tell me she needs time to not be ashamed of me?” I ask, ripping my arms away from her. “It’s simple, Shawna. You either care about me enough to stand up to your parents and stop giving two shits what they think about the color of my skin or you don’t. There is no in-between.”
“I can’t just tell them like that! They’ll cut me off, they’ll disown me. Didn’t you see the way they looked at me when you were there? How do I look them in the eyes and tell them their only baby girl is dating a black man?”
My neck snaps back as if her words slapped me hard across the face. “Wow. I didn’t realize that was something so devastating.”
Her lip quivers and as much as I probably should feel sorry for her, I don’t. I’ve been cut off from my parents since before I was old enough to make money on my own. In the downpour, it becomes clear to me just how different Shawna and I truly are.
“I didn’t mean it like that,” she tries, wringing her hair over her shoulder. “I just . . . I need time. I can’t tell them yet, but I will.”
“And I’m just supposed to wait around until you find the courage?” I ask incredulously. “Well, that’s something I can’t do. We’re done, Shawna. It’s over.”
Her face twists, but I can’t tell if tears fall or if it’s just the rain. I may have a weak spot for women, I may want to take care of everyone around me, but there comes a point where I have to shut others out to take care of myself. With my little brother living on his own, my mom and older brother nowhere to be found, and my fraternity under strict watch from nationals, I don’t have any room left to deal with racist assholes—especially if the girl I would consider putting up with them for doesn’t have the nerve to stand up to them with me.
“Take care of yourself.” They’re the last words I say to her before my feet are pushing off the pavement once more, my body finding its rhythm. I don’t know if
it’s something I should be proud of, but I have the innate capability to shut people out of my life at the flip of a switch. With every drop of rain that hits my skin, I feel Shawna wash away, leaving nothing but memories behind.
LESS THAN AN HOUR LATER, I push through the doors at Ralph’s, still soaking wet from the rain. I’m sore, I smell like complete ass, but I have zero fucks to give as I slide up to the bar and order my first drink. A few girls at a high-top table in front of me are giggling, their eyes glued to where my tank top is stuck on my chest. Crazy how I have go fuck yourself written all over my face but all they notice are my swollen muscles. I’d be terrified of me right now if I were them.
The male bartender slides me my beer and my check, not even asking if I want to open a tab. He eyes me under his backward hat with disgust before turning to the other end of the bar where a small crowd is gathered. I throw back half the beer when I realize who’s drawing all the attention.
Alex.
“If you thought the video was hot, you should have seen it in person,” he says loudly, a bit of his drink flopping out of his mug and onto the floor. The crowd of guys around him is eating up every word. I scan them, making sure none of them are brothers, and breathe easier when I don’t find a single one. It’s a good thing, because then I would have had to kick their asses, too.
I stand, my bar stool scraping the floor as I push my way around it toward him.
“I mean, she was just straight up finger-banging the Asian chick while I pounded her from behind. Fucking Spring Break man.” He high fives some douchebag behind him right before his eyes connect with mine.
He gulps. I smirk.
“Hey, whoa, Bear. I’m just kidding. We’re just having a little fun, right guys?” He looks around for help, eyes wide, but everyone just clears out. I don’t even have to say a word. He knows. They all do.
“You’ve got a lot of fucking nerve showing your face here,” I snarl, snatching him by the collar of his Omega Chi shirt. “And these letters? You don’t ever get to fucking wear them. Ever.”
“I’m sorry. I’ll leave.” He’s shaking. It only fuels me more. My entire body comes to life as adrenaline soars through my veins. I need a release, and Alex’s face seems like the perfect way to get it.
“It’s a little too late for that.” I hear the bartender from before holler something out to his manager just as I throw the first punch, my fist connecting with Alex’s jaw with a sickening crack. I throw another into his stomach before shoving him to the ground and pinning his arms down. Each punch is for someone new—Ashlei, Bo, Skyler, Erin, Omega Chi. My knuckles sting as they split open from the force, but I welcome the pain.
“Jesus Christ, Bear, that’s enough!” I’m finally tugged back, but my hand around Alex’s shirt collar rips it with me. I expect to find my brothers behind me, but it’s Adam and Jeremy, instead. I use the shirt to wipe the blood from my hands, chest, and face before tossing it over my shoulder.
“If you show your face again,” I start to threaten, but Alex is unconscious. I don’t even know when I knocked him out. Bouncers grab my arms but I shake them loose and walk myself out, Adam and Jeremy on my heels. No one in the bar says a word, the crowd parting like the red sea with every step I take.
When I’m outside, the rain still dripping from the trees as the clouds clear, Adam approaches me hesitantly. “Hey, you okay?”
Shawna may have been the reason I walked into this bar, but with every punch I threw, I felt her leave my system. It’s the end of the semester, the promise of summer so close I can taste it. Alex deserved to have his ass kicked, and the fact that he served as the perfect release for me was only a bonus. I may get knocked down, I may walk through hell, but no one can ever say I don’t handle my own. I’m Clinton Fucking Pennington, and though Shawna is the one with the phoenix inked into her skin, it’s me rising from her ashes this time.
The left side of my mouth quirks up just marginally. “Never better.”
“LISTEN, LET’S JUST GO CUT THE BALLS off this motherfucker and then we’ll go dress shopping, okay?” Jess says, squeezing my hand once before climbing out of the cab in front of Xavier’s club. I follow, but stay frozen in place as the yellow car pulls away, letting the gray, rainy day surround me.
“I can’t believe you did this for me,” I whisper. I’ve been trying to talk her out of her plan the entire ride over, but unsuccessfully. I know my freedom is just minutes away, but I can’t shake the overwhelming feeling of guilt for letting Jess help me reach it.
“Lei,” she says my name with a smile, not an ounce of nervousness apparent as she frames my shoulders with her hands. Her blonde hair is pulled into a tight, high ponytail, accenting her cheekbones. “Dude. I’m your sister. I’m your fucking best friend. You shouldn’t be struggling to believe I’d do this for you. If anything, I can’t believe you waited this long to ask me to help. You put yourself through hell trying to handle this on your own when I was literally right down the hall.”
“It’s dangerous, Jess. I didn’t want to get anyone else involved. And I was ashamed,” I respond softly. “I still am.”
“You wanted to do it alone. I get it,” she says. “But that’s the best thing about being in a sorority. It’s like having an entire army of lipstick-wearing badasses behind you.” I laugh a little, though my eyes blur with tears. “You’re a Kappa Kappa Beta, Ashlei. You never have to face anything alone again.”
She pulls me in for a hug and I squeeze her so tight she coughs, tapping my shoulder like a wrestler tapping out of a match.
“Come on, the mall closes in four hours. Let’s get this over with.”
Jess checks her lipstick on her phone camera as we cross the parking lot to the same bouncer who’s always guarding the backdoor. He doesn’t even ask who I am this time, just shakes his head as if he knows I won’t be coming out alive. Xavier has been looking for me—he knows that just as well as I do.
Jess takes in our surroundings as I lead her back to Xavier’s office, my hands still trembling even with her by my side.
“You danced here?” she asks softly, her eyes wide as she meets mine. I just nod in response. Jess reaches out for my hand and squeezes it tight as we reach Xavier’s office door. He’s bent over his computer, a cigar in his mouth as he hammers away at the keys.
“What?” He hollers out, eyes glancing up at us quickly before going back to the screen. Once realization hits, he pauses, a slow smirk growing above the stubble on his chin. He sits back, lacing his fingers together and propping his elbows on the armrests of his chair as his pulls his eyes to us again. “Well, well. Look who finally decided to show up.”
Jess rolls her eyes, clearly not affected by a man who has killed before. Who could easily kill again. “Here’s your money, asshole. All of it.” She slaps the thick envelope down on his desk, unimpressed. “Now call your watch dogs off Ashlei and take a good look at her tight ass because the last time you’ll see it is when we turn around and walk out of this shithole of a club.”
Xavier’s brows shoot up to his forehead and he barks out a laugh. “I see you brought your bull dog.”
“I’m more of a pit bull, actually.” She smiles with her eyes, hooking me by the elbow and steering me toward the exit. “Do you want to count that before we go or no?”
“I don’t have to count it to know it’s not enough. It’s a late payment, which means I need interest.”
“All the money she owed you before you made your disgusting little deal is in there, plus an additional ten-thousand.” Jess spouts off the numbers like they don’t affect her, like she didn’t sell her prized possession to get that money. Her BMW now belongs to some Botoxed-out bimbo in South Beach, but Jess didn’t even flinch when she handed over the keys.
I’ve never felt so loved in my life.
“And what makes you think that’s enough, princess?”
Jess grits her teeth together, dropping my arm and crossing the room to plant her hands on his desk. She leans
over and Xavier sneaks a look at her cleavage before his eyes lift up to hers, a sneer still firmly in place.
“It’s plenty. And in case you don’t know who I am, my name is Jess Vonnegut. That last name ring a bell?” She waits as Xavier files through the names in his head. “My family has won in court before and we can do it again. You forced a young college girl to dance in your club and pay you every penny she earned for drugs she wasn’t even responsible for losing. Your death threats might have scared her for this long, but let me assure you—I don’t feel one ounce of fear when I look into your beady little eyes.” Standing, she presses her finger into the envelope. “The money is here, and unless you want to find out what a crazy son of a bitch my father can be when his little princess is fucked with, I suggest you take it and let us go.”
Xavier sniffs, clearly more familiar with Jess’ family lawsuit than I am. In fact, I don’t think anyone really knows how Jess came into money. Whatever it was, Xavier doesn’t taunt her further.
“Get the fuck out of my club.”
“Gladly,” she sings sweetly. “Come on, Lei.”
She holds my hand the entire way out, and once we make it to the parking lot, the heavy metal door slamming shut behind us, I take a breath. It fills my lungs to capacity, overwhelming me with oxygen I feel like I’ve been deprived of for months. Sensing my emotions, Jess calls a cab quickly before pulling me into her.
“Shhh,” she whispers into my hair. “It’s okay. It’s over. It’s all over now.”
I feel like I should cry, but instead, I laugh. Hard. Uncontrollably. Jess laughs with me, and before I know it, tears do leave my eyes—but not from sadness. I’m elated.
I’m free.
“I don’t even know what to do right now,” I squeak out between giggles. “This feels so unreal.”
“It’s real, babe. And now, we hit the mall and buy some sexy dresses and killer heels to match.” She smiles, but it’s tight. Now that my situation is resolved, I think she’s finally letting herself think about her own. She hasn’t spoken to Jarrett in almost a week.
Palm South University: Season 2, Episode 6 (Palm South University #2) Page 2