by Richa Resa
The doctor’s words sealed my fate, drew the line, turned me into a monster, a demon, a devil, and a killer. I let the tears roll from my eyes involuntarily. I didn’t even remember shifting to the edge of the bed, but only the sharp pain from falling. However, this pain was nothing compared to what I was feeling inside. I wanted to burn myself. Scoop out my brain and clean myself. I had thoughts of burning myself from the inside to get rid of the memories of what had I done.
What had I done to you, Eunice? Where had I burned the real me and become this monster I am? Why didn’t you leave me, Eunice? Why not hurt me like I did you all those times? Why stay with someone who hurt you? Why didn’t you leave me, Eunice? Why still love a beast like me? Why, Eunice?
“Mr. Morris, are you all right?” the doctor asked, concerned, bending down to my level. I was not fine at all. I was burning in the fire of heart-wrenching pain. Being pushed down to hell because of this guilt of hurting her, not believing her, not loving her, not caring for her and being a monster in her life. I was going to break her soul and heart brutally, but I had done it to myself. Someone spoke truly when they said that what goes around comes around. All the pain I had brutally given her was coming back to me, and I didn’t even have the guts to say sorry to her. I was ashamed of myself! Ashamed of being born! Ashamed for being a man like this!
Eunice was right. She was right!
“Mr. Morris, are you all right? Mr. Morris?” the doctor yelled at me.
I was a sick man. A sick monster who needed help.
“I…need a…psychiatrist, doctor. I need…help…I need…help,” I whispered hoarsely, as tears streamed down my cheeks. This time, I let go of my painful cries. I needed help. I was a monster who should kill himself for hurting someone who loved me so deeply even when I didn’t care at all…
Chapter 11
Eunice
The smell of the disinfectant with the annoying beeping sound convinced me I wasn’t where I thought I’d be. I wasn’t dead. I had lived against my will. All I had wished was for death. Leaving this world would have been easier for me than to exist without him and his love. I felt like maybe heaven or hell weren’t ready to let me in. The calmness, peace, and sleep were so very alluring to me. I wanted to die. Sometimes we just can’t get what we wish for, I guess. I could hear hushed angry voices, and in that moment I felt a little scared. Not a little, actually, but a lot more. I wanted to hide somewhere. My eyes were too heavy to open and my body ached painfully. I wasn’t scared of Joshua, but of those people I had almost left—other than Joshua. Nora, Clarisse, my parents, Shelly, Alex, and many others. I was scared to see the anger and disappointment in their eyes because of what I had done.
It’s true to say I was being selfish. Just thinking about myself, my misery and pain, but not that of others. I still had my parents and my best friends who were more like sisters to me. What about them? Why was I bringing them pain and misery? For my parents, the pain of losing me wouldn’t have been a minor one. They had loved me a lot—they still did. I was their only child. How would they have felt after losing me? I never told them anything about the horrid details of my life in the past six months. I tried my best to avoid all the family gatherings just so they wouldn’t see past my façade. Nora and Clarisse—they had always been there to hold me up, to stop me from falling. They were the ones who wanted to show me what a fun life was like. They were my friends who cared deeply for me. Was killing myself worth losing them?
Is killing yourself ever worth it? Would I have had peace despite the tears of my loved ones? Tears welled up in my closed eyes, and all I wanted to do was cry. How could I have been so selfish?
“Eunice,” I heard a soft voice calling to me.
“Eunice, dear, stop worrying,” I heard the same voice saying again. I slowly opened my eyes and found myself staring into the watery eyes of my mother. She was here beside me even when I was being so selfish. She was crying for me.
Within a blink of an eye I was surrounded by the warm embrace of my mother. I let myself cry while she did the same. I was so sorry for doing this to her. I hated myself for being so selfish.
“It’s all right, baby. Everything is fine,” she said in her soothing voice while rubbing circles on my back as she cried with me. I don’t know how long I cried in her arms, it might have been minutes or an hour, but I let all my emotions out, cleared my heavy heart of every emotion bringing me down. My mother helped me in lying back down. It was in that moment I looked at her. She looked so tired with huge dark circles under her eyes. Yet she stayed strong for me.
“I…a…” I wanted to tell her how sorry I was, but I couldn’t speak. My throat felt like it was on fire.
“Here, drink some,” she said, giving me a glass of water. “Take small sips and not too fast, okay?”
I nodded and took small sips, which soothed the burning I felt.
“They had to make you vomit and empty your stomach to get rid of all the pills you took,” she said calmly, rather than being angry with me. My mother was a doctor herself, while my father was a scientist who loved his lab like his second child. I held my head down in shame, thinking about the pain they would have gone through if I had died.
“I’m not going to scold you, darling. I don’t know what happened, but I’m quite sure it was something big that made you do this. I won’t ask you to tell me until you are ready, but you must promise me never to do such a horrible thing again.” She raised my chin and made me look at her. There was pain in her eyes, but no anger.
“I…promise,” I whispered hoarsely, at which my mother gave me a small smile.
The door opened and a doctor and a nurse entered, with my father following them. The exhaustion on his face made him look a hundred years older.
“How are you feeling, Mrs. Morris?” the doctor asked while the nurse checked all my vitals.
“Just my throat…feels a bit sore,” I told him.
“That’s normal after such an incident. Drinking water and other fluids will help you get back to normal. Besides that, do you feel any dizziness or anything else?” he asked. I shook my head in denial.
“I guess you’re doing well, then. Um, there are some police officers outside who would like to talk to you. Do you think you’re ready for it?” he asked me with a sympathetic look as he handed me another glass of water to drink. Police officers. I cursed myself mentally while regretting my decision to end my life more than ever. In a haze, I nodded, allowing him to let them in. I looked at my father, who looked angry and in pain at the same time. I averted my gaze from him. I was quite sure he was disappointed in me. Two police officers, a woman and a man, entered just minutes later.
“Good evening, Mrs. Morris. I hope you are fine?”
I nodded my head in affirmation.
“Can you tell us what happened?” the woman officer asked calmly, sympathy in her eyes. I didn’t know what to tell them, the whole truth or a one-sided truth? My mind debated what to do as everyone looked at me. I let myself make a choice and let the words slip. I chose the middle way.
“I was tired and depressed and just lost my will to live anymore,” I answered weakly.
“Mrs. Morris, did your husband do something that brought you to this decision?” she asked as I felt tears escaping from the corner of my eyes. Last night’s fights flashed through my mind, but I didn’t let them affect me.
“No,” I said, trying to be as normal as I could.
“You don’t need to be scared of your husband, Eunice. Your friends told us about him raising his hand against you last night in the club. We just need your statement, and he will rot behind bars,” the woman said, holding my hand. I only wished that Nora and Clarisse hadn’t told much more than that.
“It wasn’t him. I had an accident few months back where I lost my daughter with my unborn child. The pain of losing them was killing me from the inside. What happened yesterday at the club…I just pushed his buttons and blamed him for it. He didn’t do anything. Everything was
just eating me up and I guess I just lost it,” I said as tears trickled from my eyes. My mind had opted for the one-sided truth.
“So you feel that you are responsible for everything?” she asked and I nodded.
“We also understand that your husband is having an affair, miss. Even now you want to save him?” she asked me and I could feel my eyes close as memories of Anne and Joshua fled through my mind.
“I know about…it and…her too.” I could see tears welling up in my parents’ eyes as my voice weakened with the words I spoke.
“We are thinking about…a divorce. I just couldn’t…think of a life without him. He never forced me to do anything, Officer. I fully take the responsibili…ty for my actions,” I answered with a heavy heart as I looked at my wedding band. Sometimes all we have left are memories, and that was all that would be left of me and Joshua.
“You don’t want to add anything else, Mrs. Morris? Are you sure about what you’re saying?” the other officer asked me again. I nodded and wished they would just leave.
“Thank you for your time, madam.” Saying that, they both walked out and I breathed a sigh of relief.
“Why didn’t you tell us anything about all this, dear?” my dad asked while my mother sobbed in his arms.
“I was being an adult, Dad,” I said with a shrug and teary eyes. “Trying to solve…my own problems. I am so…sorry, Dad. I want to say sorry…to both of you…for doing this.” Saying this, I let myself break down and cry. Within minutes I was embraced in the arms of my parents. I let all of my past wash off in the tears. With these cries and tears, I was letting go of all of it.
“Now stop crying. I hate to see you like this. I just want you…to stick to your promise to never do it again, Eunice. You shouldn’t have gone through any of this alone. You should have told me about all your losses. We are always here for you and always will be. We are still very much alive, and you will always be our baby no matter how much you grow up. You will always be my baby Eunice who would cry over small things,” she said, wiping away my tears and smiling.
“Yeah, for small and awkward things like when she cried because she stepped on her stuffed doll, thinking she had killed her,” my dad said, chuckling, while wiping away the sad tears, trying his best to lift up my mood. I don’t know why or how, but it worked. I smiled a bit.
“Hey! I was small, Dad,” I said, trying to justify my actions and feeling a bit better.
“Yeah, I guess eight wasn’t such a small age for such a thing,” he teased.
“Jack, stop teasing your daughter. She was eight. She wasn’t looking for ways to save an ant like you when you were her age. Your mother told me all about it,” my mom said, making me burst into laughter.
“Hey! That was a productive thing to do,” Dad said in his defense.
“Tell that to your mother, honey!” Mom said while kissing his cheek and laughing away. The mood lightened and changed to a happy one. The time passed as childhood memories of me and my parents were told, making all of us laugh. However, all good things come to an end, and mine did as soon as they entered inside the room. They looked eerie—scratch that—too creepy.
Have you ever been under the gaze of someone who was mad, angry like a bull? I was seeing two such angry people who looked like they were going to kill me with their anger fuming eyes. Well, Nora and Clarisse looked at me just like that, which really wasn’t suiting them with the flowers in their hands. My parents, on the other hand, left me under the care of two mad, angry, creepy people. Minutes passed and they looked at me like they were trying to find ways to torture me, or scold me, or even kill me.
“So are anyone of you going to say…something?” I asked very softly after a pause. It felt like I was walking on ice—one wrong step and I was gone. Both of them looked at me like I was crazy, and in that moment I snuggled more under the covers to shield myself from their wrath, like it was going to help.
“Say something? You expect us to say something?” Clarisse’s voice boomed in the room. “When you said it would be for the last time, I didn’t freaking think you meant it like this, Eunice! How could you be so heartless and selfish? Didn’t you freaking think about others for a second? Even for a fucking second? And here I was telling you that you’re a part of my family, my sister and what not. How could you do this?” Clarisse shrieked while pacing in the room. Her words were right. I knew I was being selfish, but only then I understood it. I just wanted to end my misery in that moment rather than thinking about others when I decided to take away my life.
“If you would have died, Eunice, I assure you I was going to make you turn in your own grave. I was so going to make you regret dying on me. I wouldn’t have cared if I had to go after you and punish you for leaving us and being so selfish,” Nora whisper-yelled at me while looking at the door. At least she remembered this was the hospital. Was it wrong to say her words really struck me and scared me a bit? Okay, not a bit, but more than that. I felt like my parents had left me to be fed to sharks. I slid under my covers and tried to find words to explain the agony I felt when I took those pills. My heart grew heavy as thoughts of that night swam through my mind.
“I…am…sorry, I really…am. I was in…some deep shitty…place when…I decided…to do…it, okay? I wasn’t…thinking about others…” I said with my heavy heart and felt tears well up in my eyes. I couldn’t look at them. I just couldn’t.
“I didn’t…feel like living…I had just lost too…much. Elle, the unborn child…and lastly…him. My life…had revolved around him, you know…but when he said that he didn’t want me anymore…wished for me…to die, I felt there wasn’t anything left to live for.” I wiped away the tears and looked at the ceiling.
“It was just when I woke up today…I realized how much I was leaving behind…Mom, Dad. You both, Shelly, Alex, and much more. That’s when I understood that this life of mine doesn’t revolve only around him. I had to just let go of him…from my heart, but not leaving by death. I knew I had lost him a long time back, but yesterday it just hit me like never before. The desire to get away from a life where he was not there…with me, he hated me. That desire just won. When I woke up today, only then, the reality hit me. I was leaving all of you behind in distress, by…ending my own life, and I’m just really sorry for that. Really, I am. I promised it to my mom and I promise it to you too. I will never do it…I mean it. I will never do it again.” As those words left my lips, I understood myself better. This life of mine wasn’t about him but about those who loved me. If he didn’t want me, that didn’t mean my friends and family also didn’t. I had to live for myself, not for him, but for me. I needed to live for me and just me.
They both sat near me as silence engulfed us, and silence was very comfortable for the first time. The silence made me feel calm and it felt like I was at peace. It didn’t eat me away or bombard me with unwanted thoughts. It was just good.
“So what now?” Clarisse asked, making herself comfortable on my bed, making me scoot to the edge. Nora, on the other hand, sat on the end of the bed and looked at me for an answer. I shrugged, not knowing what to say. Where do I go from here?
“What do you want to do now, I mean for yourself?” Clarisse asked, holding my hand.
Myself? What did I want for myself? I thought and thought for minutes and then I understood the first step I had to take to live again without him.
“I…want to…move out from that…house,” I said, looking at them. “I want to find a new place. Get a job. Try to get the old me back on track. Go to family gatherings that I have missed. Have vacations. I want to go camping! Enjoy what I missed by letting myself down. I just want to stop my past from weighing me down and to move forward,” I said softly, feeling a flicker of hope, of living this second chance, something precious that I got.
“Okay, I think we can do that. When you’re out of here, we’re going to have your things packed and have you moved out. You can stay with me for a while till we find you a good place. Before you say a
nything, Clarisse, about her staying with me, remember you don’t have a stable schedule. You’re gone on long trips while I’m always around. So she stays with me. Okay?” Nora told a not-so-happy Clarisse.
“You win on this one, but we all go together, be it camping, vacations, or even the spa. I will be her plus one at her family gatherings most of the times. Promise me that, and you have a deal,” Clarisse informed us, being bossy while I sat there thinking about what I just got myself into.
“Who should go and pack her things up? You or me?” Clarisse asked Nora, having my full attention. They looked at each other.
“I want to do it…myself, alone.” Both of them looked at me as if I had gone crazy or turned into an alien or both.
“You want to go there?” Nora asked in disbelief. I nodded, thinking about what he said last night.
“He told me something. Something he wanted me to do, and I know very much that only I can do it.” I looked down at my fingers where my wedding band sat heavily on my finger. “He wanted me to clean the slate, to do away with all the memories of me in that house. It’s the last thing I want to do so I can let him go from my mind, heart, and soul.” I meant what I said. He needed to be a thing of the past for me, a past I never wanted to visit again. Nora nodded a bit, understanding what I meant.
“As soon as you get out of here, we’ll take you the next day to do it,” Nora said with no sympathy in her eyes for me, but a different kind of happiness. They left a little later, leaving me to rest, and this time sleep came to me without any reminders of that arduous past. For the first time after so long I slept like a baby, without any worries weighing me down, any guilt eating me, and I liked it. I loved it more than myself at the moment.