by Richa Resa
My train of thought was disturbed by the annoying ringing of my phone. I looked around the room to find it. I was quite sure that it was still in my clothes, as I hadn’t taken it out last night. I started to move away from bed to shut it off. Eunice groaned from this sudden movement of mine. Much to my dismay, I had to interrupt her and pick up the phone. Very quickly and carefully I moved away from the bed towards the heaps of clothes.
The quick movement made Eunice wake. I quickly picked up my boxers and put them on before picking up my phone and answering it. I didn’t care about even looking to see who it was. I just wanted to get rid of this unwanted person in this bubble we had made.
“Hello,” I whisper-yelled. Looking at the, bed I saw Eunice turning. She groaned as she woke. Her eyes were opening and closing.
“Joshua, we need to talk,” Anne’s familiar voice said from the other side. I could feel myself growing tense and angry at same time. Why couldn’t she understand that whatever we had was nothing, and it was over and gone? There was nothing between us. I looked at Eunice, whose brown eyes were staring right at me. She still wasn’t fully awake but looked at me dreamily. I didn’t want to ruin this moment between us because of some attention seeking former lover.
“There is nothing left, Anne,” I whispered angrily, looking away from Eunice. I didn’t want her to get upset. “I’m done with you, there is nothing between us, never was. I was a fool for hating Eunice for something she never did. I’m sorry for what I did with you, but you need to understand this for once and for all that there is no longer an us. There never could have been an us—ever. I was insane back then. I made some mistakes, I did many horrible things, and I am really sorry I did them. I don’t deserve anything in life because of my past decisions. I was a monster back then and I did things no one should ever do.” I looked at Eunice whose eyes were closing and she was once again falling into sleep.
“Being with you was one of them. I need you to understand this, that there could have never been me and you. I made wrong decisions, and being with you was one of them. I have always had one person to love, and it was always Eunice. She was someone who loved me even after what I had done, who stayed with me after everything happened. We were a mistake made by my mentally disturbed self. If you can, please forgive me, then please forget me and live as happily as you can.” Everything came straight from my heart while I looked down at my wedding band. It was a band of promises, of forever vows, and happiness between me and Eunice that I would try my hardest to give back to her.
“No, Joshua. You’re wrong. You’re fucking wrong—there is an us. I don’t know what has happened in the past two months, but we were in love. You knew that. You chose me over Eunice. You were the one who built this relationship between us. You were the one who built an us. You love me and I fucking love you. I don’t care if you were mentally disturbed or you were a monster, I loved you and I will always love you.”
“Can’t you remember the endless nights in my arms? Our passionate kisses, our love making, Joshua? Those steamy nights at my house, in hotels, and even at your home too! We were always together and we always will be. I love you more than anything. What we have is true love. I’m not going to let you throw this all away. I am not going let you throw us away!” she yelled through the phone. I knew I made a mistake by getting her heart involved, by leading her on, but I was insane. I was on a journey of revenge and hatred. I dragged Anne with me to this pit of my crimes. I did the wrong thing, but I wanted her to understand that I made a mistake. It was not only her, but many more women. They didn’t deserve anything from me. Even Eunice didn’t deserve a man like me, but I couldn’t let her go.
“I am sorry, Anne, for leading you on. We’re never ever going to be possible, there was never an us, and never will be. Just forgive me and give up on me. I have only one person in my mind, soul, and heart, and it always will be Eunice forever. Please forgive me for my sins and move one. Find the guy of your dreams, a man who keeps you alive and happy. Forget me,” I said to her while looking at Eunice, who was still half asleep. Eunice was my first and last love—always and forever.
“Don’t you dare say that to me, Joshua! Don’t you dare!” Anne shouted. I could hear her crying, and I knew I was the one to be blamed. I was sorry.
“Anne—” but before I could speak I was cut off.
“There was always going to be an us, Joshua. It was always going to be an us. I don’t fucking care what you’re going through or what has happened to you. But you are not going to leave me and our child like that. I am never going to let you!” Anne shouted through the phone, turning my world upside down in just a second. Our baby. Baby. Those words echoed through my mind leaving me stunned. She was pregnant with my baby. How?
No. This couldn’t happen.
“How? It can’t…be mine. We haven’t been together without…I used protection…you were always on pills…no, you’re lying. You are making this up. Stop…this game, for heaven’s sake. I am never going to be yours!” I whisper-yelled, stunned and shocked. This couldn’t be happening.
“I am not fucking playing a game, Joshua. I am not lying. I am fucking pregnant and it’s yours. I slept with you and only you. I am fucking two months pregnant. We most probably conceived it the night when we were at your home. I’m pregnant, Joshua, and it is yours, and if you aren’t going to come here within an hour, to my house, I assure you I will make you regret it. I will hurt myself and the child inside of me. I love you, Joshua, and always have. If you love me, then you will come, and if you don’t, then you will lose me and our child too,” she said, ending the call, leaving me in a daze.
I will make you regret not coming.
Will hurt myself and the child inside of me.
I looked at Eunice, who was there in my life like an angel. Her eyes were open and she was awake now. Did she hear the conversation? Did she know? Had she heard about this?
I had unintentionally done it again. I had one way or another hurt her and there was more to come. I had embarrassed her in front of society, in front of everyone. I was putting a storm in her life once again. I was pushing in hurt, betrayal, and pain once again. The monster in me had done something so wrong, and after this I was sure that I didn’t deserve Eunice. When this news hit her, she would want to forget me, wipe me out of her memories forever. I had killed the possibility of an us. By having a child with Anne, I had closed all the gates for Eunice in my life and opened gates of immense pain, hurt, and humiliation for her, now awake in my bed and staring at me.
A lone tear escaped as I looked in her brown eyes that were filled with concern and love. I had to leave her and once again make her feel unwanted and unloved.
Will hurt myself and the child inside of me.
The words echoed through my mind, making me turn down my eyes in shame. I couldn’t look at Eunice. I had unintentionally done something unthinkable. My actions had consequences, and now I had to pay for them, but more than me, Eunice had to pay for them. I slowly picked up my clothes without looking at her. I didn’t deserve to look at her. I put on my trousers and picked up my shirt. As I did the last button of my shirt, I looked up to see Eunice laying like an angel on the bed, staring right through my soul. This was our end.
Walking over to her, I kissed her one last time, devouring the taste of her lips. I kissed her with all the love I had for her. I sucked the very nectar of her lips. She responded to my kiss and our lips moved in sync. This was the last time I would taste her sweet lips. Last time for a love-filled kiss. My last touch with her. I kissed her with all my love for her. I would always love her. It would be always her.
Breaking our kiss, I looked at her with adoration. Her eyes shone with love. My heart ached, knowing that I was going to break her with this news. I was going to throw all my love that she had for me out the window.
“I’m sorry, Eunice,” I said loud and clear, staring into her eyes. I hoped this would lessen her pain. Hoped that maybe she would forgive me. Hoped that m
aybe this would help hold the flames of my love. Our love, which I didn’t deserve and never would.
“I am sorry,” I whispered, once again stealing the taste of her lips for the last time. With that I walked away from her as tears prickled in my eyes, away from a dazed Eunice towards the punishment for my sins. I walked out of this home that I had tainted, away from myself and my love. I walked away knowing it would never be the same.
As I sat in the car and looked at the house where Eunice was right now, tears rolled down my face.
“Please forgive me, Eunice,” I whispered as I drove towards Anne’s house.
Chapter 17
Eunice
I’m sorry, Eunice.
I am sorry.
Those last words of his imprinted themselves on my mind.
I am sorry.
A simple sorry, but for what? Was it for being with me? Was that the regret? Being with me? He said he loved me, but then what did his words mean? I could feel the familiar ache making its way back to my heart.
Was this what he meant when he said he would end up hurting me? Was this what he was afraid of, or was this what he wanted? A part of me believed that he left to get some time, but another part of me felt like he left me, even if he loved me. I was nothing to him—maybe he didn’t want me. Irrational thoughts flooded my mind.
The buzzing of my phone put a halt to my irrational thoughts. Looking around the room, I found my clutch on the table beside the door. Wrapping the sheet around myself, I walked towards the buzzing sound. I wished it was Joshua. I was a desperate person who longed for the love I was denied for more than half a year. I was desperate to be loved by someone who loved me. His mistakes, his faults and sins, were clouded by my need to be held by someone. I had lost my dignity because I was still desperately in love with a man who had scarred me deep. I was a hopeless lover, a lover who couldn’t make the right decisions because her heart was clouded with a thick sheet of need to be loved. I had lost my dignity and my own self-respect, but this love of mine was drowning me, killing me.
Nora’s name flashed on the screen, making reality sink in. I knew she would be furious. She told me she would be there for me, she kept asking me the night before if I was all right or not. I lied to her face, and in the middle of the night, left the house with a clouded mind. With steady hands, I answered her call.
“Where the hell are you, Eunice?” Nora demanded. I could feel the frustration and worry in her voice.
“Nora,” I whispered, ashamed of the fact I’d lied to her and left her worrying again.
“Where are you, Eunice? I woke up in the morning to find you missing. Where the hell have you gone?”
I didn’t know what to tell her. She was angry at me and my foolishness for sure, but I didn’t know how she would react to knowing where I was. What would she think when I told her how I had let loose of my dignity and degraded myself? I hadn’t cared what the world said about me for the past two months, but what my friends thought of me mattered the most.
“Eunice!” she yelled through the phone once again.
“I am…I’m at Josh…ua’s,” I whispered while tightening my hold on the sheet wrapped around me.
“What?” she asked, shocked, her voice not much more than a whisper. “You went to him? What were you thinking, Eunice? What in the hell are you doing there? What did you do, Eunice?” she asked, disbelief and anger rolling in her voice.
“I…I…” I wasn’t able to form the words to tell what I did.
“Please don’t tell me that you slept with him, Eunice? Please don’t say that you still love him?” I could hear the desperation in her voice.
“I…did,” I told her, tears welling in my eyes. The harsh reality of what I had done slapped me in the face.
“Is he still with you?” she asked, anger lacing her voice. Her question struck me hard. He’d left me behind with nothing but an apology, with nothing but a sorry. A lone tear escaped.
“No,” I whispered, looking at the empty, unmade bed. Silence covered me and Nora grew silent. Minutes passed.
“I’m coming to pick you up. I want you ready and out of the house. I’ll be there in fifteen.” Before I could say anything, the line went dead.
Wiping away the tear, I stumbled around the room, picking my clothes. I wished to cry at what I had done, I wished for tears for degrading myself, but in the end it was all my doing. Dressing myself up, I wished for Joshua to come home that instant and tell me everything was all right, that he loved me, that he would never leave me. I hoped for it but God isn’t on my side and this was reality. He had left me.
Looking around the room, I let the memories of last night sink inside. Even though I was shunned, I couldn’t forget the love that existed between us last night. He said he needed time, and I was willing to give him that. I wasn’t sure what my next step would be, but something was going to change. I didn’t know what, but I had an intuition of it. I made my way out of the house just in time. Nora had parked a few seconds back. The whole ride back to her house was silent, and I could feel the angry vibes rolling off her. I followed her inside the house with my head hung low.
“Eunice!” I heard Clarisse shout my name and before I knew it, I was engulfed in a warm hug.
“God, Eunice, what have you done?” she said sympathetically, making me ask myself the same thing.
“Clarisse, you don’t have to be sympathetic to her. She made her choice last night,” Nora said with narrowed eyes, making me lower my head in shame.
“Nora, you don’t need to be so harsh on her.”
“I need to, Clarisse. She freaking lied to me. You and I have been here for her for so long. We’ve been trying so god damn hard to make sure she doesn’t get hurt again, but she’s on the track to ruin herself. She just wants to leave her loved ones again in misery and worry,” Nora shouted from across the room. I knew she was hurt, but she had no right to say things like that to me.
“Nora, stop it!” Clarisse shouted, standing midway between us.
“No. She needs to understand that we’re here for her own good. She needs to accept her mistake. She trusts that god damn bastard Joshua more than us—someone who doesn’t even deserve a second of her time. She needs to be reminded of the fact that he was the one who hurt her and what she did last night was wrong. She let herself get weak and fall back in the arms of the man who destroyed her. She needs to get it through her head that he doesn’t love her. That man is a sick bastard who doesn’t care for her. He didn’t have the courtesy to even say sorry to her, he didn’t even come to visit her or call. He doesn’t love her. She can’t act like a lovesick puppy and go back to him. She needs to understand the fact that he isn’t getting back with her and she needs to let go of him!” Nora shouted at me. My eyes were wide. I know I had let my walls down, lost my dignity, but she was wrong about one fact: Joshua and I still had something. Even in our twisted fates we had something and it persisted. He said he loves me and I know he’s just fucked up a bit. He asked for time, and I know he hurt me this morning, but wasn’t last night a clue that we could have something?
“No, you are wrong, Nora. He said sorry, he was fucked up, and he knew he was wrong. We love each other. He still loves me. He truly said himself that I am the only one he loves. I know our love is fucked up, but I still love him. There’s still a part of me that loves him, and last night ignited a bit of hope inside of that part of me. There still could be an us in our twisted, fucked up love story. I know it’s hard, Nora, it’s hard to forget the scars he gave me. It’s hard to forget the pain he inflicted on me. But how do I tell this to the fucked up part of me that is still hopelessly in love with him? His words of last night are stuck in my mind. I am just so fucking confused, Nora. I did an irrational act and I can’t even decipher it myself how I really feel.” I had tears rolling down my cheeks.
“I’m so lost, Nora. I don’t know what I want, what I need, or what to do. The past months had been so hard and torturous that I can’t tell you w
hat I felt from inside. All those accusations from people that maybe I wasn’t good enough, that I couldn’t keep my husband satisfied, that I couldn’t keep my man. Do you know how it felt, Nora? They all made me feel so low, so pathetic, and the worst part was that some of those people I considered to be family. Society portrayed me as an evil stepmother. Want to know what they said, huh, Nora?” I asked, looking at her through teary eyes while she stood stunned.
“Eunice, please calm down,” Clarisse said, trying to hold me but I stepped away from her and walked towards Nora. Standing in front of her, I looked straight in her eyes.
“They said I didn’t love her, that I wanted to get rid of her somehow. I thought I wouldn’t let those fucking things affect me, but they did, Nora! They did! I was being portrayed as a woman who couldn’t satisfy her husband and couldn’t love him enough, while my husband’s mistress was being seen as someone who helped him, who supported him. They don’t even fucking know the truth about me. For them, Anne holds more dignity than me. They say my sins drowned me to the point where I decided to take my own life, but it was the fucked up mind of my husband and the wrong accusations against me that drowned me. I fucking loved him, Nora, and I still do.”
She held me in her arms.
“I am sorry, Eunice.” She calmed me down while holding me and rubbing my back, but it was of no use, because I was hurt. I was unleashing what I felt—the pent-up emotions I had kept concealed for the past two months. The stabbing pain I suffered when I was seen as a woman who couldn’t love her husband enough and was accused wrongly. I cried for my lost dignity, for all the words I had to hear, for my broken heart, for my lost love, for my own broken self, for a confused me.
“He was my true love, Nora, and I stood there for him through everything. I loved him so much. Did you think it would be easy to let go of him like that? I don’t know why I went there, what I wanted, but I needed some love—love from the man I once fell for. I don’t know what to do with myself. He said he loved me and then left me the next morning. He said he was sorry before leaving after some call, and I don’t understand it. I am so confused, Nora. I still want to have a hold on him but the scars of the past make me want to push him aside at times. The part of me that loves him wants him to come back to me, to beg me for forgiveness, and tell me how sorry he is, that he will be with me whatever happens. I just want him to tell me that we will have our forever after, like he vowed.” I sobbed on her shoulder. I was so confused that I didn’t know what to do. Silence passed between us for the next few minutes. Nora made me sit on the couch between her and Clarisse.