by Richa Resa
“You know I apologized to every other woman I toyed with. I asked them to forgive me for my mistakes. I wanted the air clear between everyone else before I could go on and earn your forgiveness. That night was the best night I’d had in many months. You were asleep, and yet I couldn’t stop looking at you. I felt like I was on top of the world, but then Anne’s call came, and she told me about the baby. I lost you then and there. Everything I do affects you somehow.”
“When Nora came to deliver those papers, she told me what you were going through with people saying rubbish about you. It fucking hurt me. I was the one to be blamed, it was all my doing, and yet you suffered. It broke me from the inside. I loved you and always will, nothing can ever replace you, Eunice. However, I can’t drag you inside the hell hole I have created for myself. I can’t let you once again go through what you did earlier. I can’t break you once again by bringing you into my fucked up world because I love you so much that I would die myself rather than hurt you again. I love you more than myself, Eunice, and I hope you know that. My love for you is more than you could ever love me.” His voice came out pained and trembling. He spoke the truth, yet I couldn’t believe it. My walls didn’t let the truth through. His eyes portrayed the pain in his heart, the tears on the verge of falling had somehow started to pull down my walls bit by bit. However his words that he loved me more than I loved him, hit me, raising my instinct to fight. I stepped towards him, leaving only an inch of space between us.
“No, Joshua, you don’t love me enough. You can’t compete to the level I love you.” Our eyes never left each other.
“You know I would do it again, I wouldn’t care about the consequences and how much it would hurt later. I would bear the pain that I would have to face just because I love you that much. I would once again accept your child even if it’s not mine, raise it like my own. I would have even let Anne be a part of our life for the sake of the child you share. Never would I have complained, we would have been like the same family we were when Elle was with us. I still would love that child more than my own because I wouldn’t ever want him or her to feel unwanted. And still I would have been happy because I would have you. I would have stayed beside you because I knew you were with me, and were mine. I would have been content in knowing you loved me enough, that you trusted me and would not leave me. I wouldn’t have asked you anything more than just to love me.” I paused.
“This is the extent I love you, Joshua. Always ready to give myself up for you. Can you still say you love me enough, that you love me with the same intensity I love you? Can you?” My walls had started to fall down, brick by brick. I could feel some pain enveloping my heart. I could feel once again. Silence covered us while we kept looking into each other’s eyes. Our eyes mirrored the emotions inside the other’s. Closing the last of the distance between us, our faces were so close that one movement forward would make our lips touch.
“I give you one more chance, Joshua. I will do as I just said. I will accept that child as my own and give him or her motherly love. I will not keep him away from Anne even. We can be a lovely family once again and you can have me. We can have each other as we wish. All you have to do is be with me. You just have to say the word and I will be yours. Say ‘I don’t’ instead of I do, and we can have that chance of being together. We would be each other’s. I give you the choice, Joshua, of choosing me or not. I give you that one chance you think was deprived from you. Now it is up to you, the ball is in your court.” My voice filled with pain. The walls that surrounded my heart were breaking.
He just looked at me, stunned. Putting some distance between us, I looked at him. It was hard for me to be this close to him. I had loved him like crazy, I still did. He was all for me, my heartbeat spiked. If I stayed under his gaze another second, all my walls would come down instantly. I couldn’t lose myself like this. Walking past him, I made my way to the door.
He needed to decide if he wanted me or not. This was his chance with me, it would let me know I meant for him. Just before walking out of the room, I stopped.
“This will be the real end, Joshua. You need to decide if I really mean something to you or not. If you let me go this time, I assure you that I won’t come back. This will be the very last time you see me, and after this there won’t be any coming back. Choose wisely, Joshua, this is your very last chance.” I walked out of there with my heart heavy. I didn’t know where I went, I just walked. I didn’t cry—I couldn’t—I had to be strong. I’m strong. I made myself remember. As I walked I saw the bridal room. It was wide open…there stood Anne in her wedding gown. She looked happy with people surrounding her. I was losing myself, I was hurting. It started to pain me, hurt me. I tried to become numb once again and I succeeded. She was the mother of his child while I wasn’t. Minutes passed and I just stood there.
“Hey, it’s time,” I heard someone say to her, snapping me out me of my thoughts. Heartbroken, I walked towards the sanctuary and sat down in the very last pew. I should have walked away, but I stayed. It wasn’t supposed to hurt like this, but it did.
I’m strong. The words chanted in my mind.
I saw some curious glances coming my way, however my eyes were fixed on the silhouette of a man in a black tux whom I loved. Minutes passed. He had a stiff posture, he knew I was watching. His eyes were down and his head hung low.
I could feel a dim tightening of my heart. My walls were breaking down hard and fast. I could feel the pain of him leaving me, him choosing someone else.
The bridal music started, my heart constricted at the sight of the flower girl walking down the aisle. Flashes of my own wedding passed through my mind. I craved to become numb, but it was getting harder, the aching feeling was sinking me down.
Soon Mr. Edgings walked down the aisle with Anne. She looked beautiful in her wedding gown. I felt a blade slash my heart deep. I was once again going down into the dark pit where once I had fallen.
It hurts too deep. I couldn’t cry, I needed to stay strong. I wasn’t weak. She reached the podium and took her position just across from Joshua before whispering something in his ear. He stood stiff and straight. From this angle he looked happy, like he wanted this. My heart constricted.
“Today we are here to witness the joining of these two people in holy matrimony,” the priest said. He extolled the importance of the marriage. With each second that grew closer for him to say “I do,” my heart raced faster. My heart grew heavy with pain as it came.
“Do you, Joshua Morris, take Anne Edgings as your lawfully wedded wife, to cherish her in sickness and health, to stay beside her at all times and only death you do part?” The priest’s words felt like needles sticking to my heart. My world stopped waiting for his answer. My breathing came to halt, this was what I was waiting for. This could be the end or the new beginning.
I breathed heavily, awaiting his answer. His head moved, looking in the crowd and our eyes locked. I could see a turmoil of emotions passing through his eyes. There were unshed tears in them. It looked like he was in too much pain, but it was nothing compared to mine. I was going to break down, my walls would be completely crushed. Looking away from me, his eyes stayed focused on Anne, and it hurt.
“I do.” As the words passed his lips, all my walls came crumbling down. It hurt more than I could handle. I had once again faced the bitter taste of rejection and being unwanted. I was slapped with his rejection all over again. There was nothing left now, all strands of love gone.
Without waiting any longer, I stood up. Everyone turned to look at me. I didn’t care about them anymore. The burning pain I felt had made those unshed tears come out. I turned away and didn’t look back. I was glad I took the back seat. I walked with my head straight and shoulders broad. I couldn’t let them have the satisfaction of my pain. As soon I was out of their sight I ran away. Those tears I had stopped fell freely. I was in this uncontrollable pain that I couldn’t take anymore. I felt my heart was being stabbed million times by a sharp blade.
&nbs
p; The pain was too much for me to take and I fell down to my knees.
My hand rested over my bleeding heart. Uncontrollable sobs escaped me. With shaky hands I took out my phone. I needed someone to help.
I dialed her number while the pain crushed me brutally. I didn’t give her a chance to say anything.
“Nora…I need…you. I need…you to take…me away from…this pain. Just…come and…take me…away. I feel like…dying, Nora. It…hurts…too bad. I can’t…bear it. I…just can’t.” I sobbed and heaved. I was slapped with all the pain I had avoided.
“I’m coming. I’m on my way, Eunice.”
The phone slipped through my hands. I let out a loud cry. This was over; I was going to cry all I wanted today because tomorrow I would be gone. I couldn’t love him anymore. I would not try to be his anymore. He had decided to pull me away from his life. I wouldn’t cry anymore after the new sunrise. It would be the end of me and our love.
Chapter 22
Joshua
“I do.” With a broken heart, the words slipped through my lips. It needed to be done. I couldn’t drag her down the same path that I did before. She did it once and it turned into a game of destroying her. She didn’t need to go through it again. I would have to live knowing that even in the worst time of my life she loved me more. She was the bright star of my life, and unfortunately I couldn’t have her because I knew I would only vanquish her spark. I did it once and I might do it again. I didn’t even trust myself—how could I promise myself that Eunice wouldn’t have to suffer the same fate she did before? From the corner of my eyes I saw her breaking. She walked out while the curious glances of the guests followed her. It crushed me seeing her like this, but I couldn’t take the chance of destroying her. I had to lie in the bed I made. I would rather destroy myself than push her into a disastrous life once again. With Anne in my life, I was sure she wouldn’t ever let Eunice and me be happy. If someone had to be destroyed, it would be Anne.
“Do you, Anne Edgings, take Joshua Morris as your lawfully wedded husband, to cherish him in sickness and health, to stay beside him at all times, and only death you do part?” the priest asked, but my eyes and mind were glued to the path Eunice took. Silence consumed the church. I wanted to run after her, look out for her, and tell her that everything would be fine, but I couldn’t. I loved her and I wanted her to let go of me, because a life with me was filled with pain and tears. I waited for Anne to speak those two words so our fates would be sealed into one. I waited but nothing came. I looked straight into her eyes and I saw tears welled up in them. I had to blink many times to be sure that what I was seeing was real, the cunning bitch could cry. She stared with those teary eyes and I could feel anger rise within me. Why was she crying? I was doing everything she asked for, and yet she was creating a scene by crying. Her lips pressed in a thin line, keeping the two words inside that would intertwine us for years to come. Her eyes softened and tears rolled to her cheeks.
“Anne.” The priest tried to get her attention, but as I stared into her eyes, the more I found myself pulled towards them. Her eyes reflected pain and shame rather than any kind of happiness. She didn’t look like the cunning bitch she was a few days ago. She was in pain, ashamed, guilty, and regretful. What was happening? What cards was she playing? Her lips opened.
“I can’t.” Her hands withdrew from mine. She nibbled on her lips while her face stained with tears.
“I’m sorry, I can’t. I can’t do this,” her voice grew louder with every word, her hands wiping away the tears rolling down her cheeks.
“Forgive me, but I can’t do this. I can’t follow in my mother’s footsteps and do the same as she did.” She faced the crowd. Her voice cracked. Gasps echoed through the church.
“I’m sorry for this, Dad. Please forgive me for doing this. I’ve come to my senses before I have done the unforgivable.” Her pleading eyes looked at Mr. Edgings.
“Anne! What the hell are you doing?” her mother shouted at her, shock and disbelief evident on her face, and maybe the same was on mine too.
“I’m doing what I should have done before. I believed you and was going to destroy my future, as well as many others. I can’t do what you did with Dad years ago, Mom. I can’t be the same person as you. You wanted to get Dad and thus you trapped him in a loveless marriage by lying that you were pregnant. I can’t do the same. Maybe you could face Dad’s anger and disgust, but I can’t.” She sobbed. My mind was shocked with her words. A truth hidden from me, a lie made that I believed easily. The word “child” had blinded me from the truth.
“I hate myself and feel disgusted about what I have done. I’m not only your daughter, Mother, but I’m a part of Dad too. I can’t lead my life with fights, insults, and distaste from my partner. Only you could have done that, but not me. Being this heartless and going so low isn’t in me. All this could have been avoided if I wouldn’t have listened to you, Mom. Do you know how much my own father hates me? I can’t meet him eye to eye. I can’t call him Dad anymore, and I can’t be his baby girl anymore. I damaged my relationship with my father myself, but with your help I destroyed it. My own father loathes me, and it makes me want to kill myself, Mother.” I stood, frozen.
I don’t want history to repeat itself. Mr. Edgings’ words passed through my mind. He was talking about this when he kept asking me whether I was being forced or not. I felt betrayed, lost, and defeated as the truth behind her words hit me. I had no child to fight for, it wasn’t ever there. I was fed lies once again, and like an idiot fool, I grabbed onto them.
“Why, Anne? Why all of this?” My voice came out strained. Broken to pieces was my heart, shattered was my soul, and all my trust in anyone vanished in the air. Why was life so cruel? Why had the fates given me a twisted life filled with pain? She swallowed hard.
“Because I mistook my infatuation for you as love, and that misunderstanding drove me towards the path of having you at any cost. I lost my sense of what was right or wrong by the blindness of my infatuation, and followed my mother’s advice.” She paused and looked over the various guests who sat in silence, latching onto everything Anne said for the new gossip.
“I faked the documents of my pregnancy and shoved them in front of you. I knew your child meant everything to you, and I didn’t hold myself back from taking advantage of it. There was a fear in me back then that you wouldn’t believe me, but when you came running that morning, I knew I had won you. You didn’t believe your own wife but you believed in me and my false documents. You shouldn’t have believed in me nor my threats. They were hollow threats and you believed in them, Joshua. You did! How could you?” she raged in frustration. Her eyes pierced into mine with seething fury.
“You believed in me more than Eunice, the woman who still accepted you. A woman who was willing to be with you thinking you had a child with me. She was willing to accept it just because she had you. How could you not take such an offer she gave you? You stand here to be with your child, but not with the woman who loved you the most. How could you let her go? How could you say the words ‘I do’? Why didn’t you believe her? Why do you stand here?” I cringed from each word. What she said shocked me. How did she come to know about it?
“I heard it, Joshua, I heard it all. I wanted to make sure you wouldn’t back out, but when I heard Eunice’s words I broke internally,” she informed me. “Her words made me realize how much a woman can love someone, and then I understood what I had for you wasn’t love at all. There is only one person who loves you and trusts you, but like a fool, you let her leave. I was an idiot, a cunning bitch, and a fool—I know that. Making you marry me by force made my stomach fill with guilt. I hated myself. I tried to keep myself going, thinking I was doing the right thing, but I hardly knew I was just dragging myself down with you. I shielded myself with walls, plastered my face with a smile like any other bride, and tried to ignore the intensity of Eunice’s love for you, but when I saw her walking out, it all came back. I couldn’t do it. I burned in the a
gony of guilt and shame.”
My teary eyes dropped to the floor. The guilt and shame that I had buried deep inside me resurfaced and drowned me, killing me softly but bitterly. My first tear dropped on the floor, and then more came…the pain of letting Eunice go and hurting her consumed me, leaving me to writhe in this burning pain. Silence took over, leaving only my cries of pain.
She was gone, hurt, and once again I was left alone. Never once I had tended those deep scars my actions had inflicted. Anne spoke the truth, that bitter truth which I had neglected. I never believed Eunice; she had given me all of her trust and love, and yet I hadn’t given her any of my trust. Never made her my first in anything, never gave her the importance that she demanded in my life. She came for me today, gave me that one last chance, and I didn’t take it. Why? Just because I thought she would be hurt again. My mind was delusional with the fact that staying with me would destroy her once again, she wouldn’t able to bear the pain of my child from another woman residing with us, and to see Anne every day. However, I forget that she’s the girl with the golden heart I had crushed at times, but she still stood with the hope of love. She did it once happily. She accepted Elle as her own and she was willing to do it again just in the hopes that I would love her. Rather than pushing her away, I should have embraced her, believed in her love, and moved on, but being a fool, I didn’t do that. I was thoroughly disappointed in myself. I was served a happy life with Eunice on a golden platter but I gave it up for a child that never existed. The booming sound of applause put a halt to my train of self-misery.
“I’m proud of you, my daughter—maybe not as much as I would have been if you had stopped it earlier. However, better late than never. You followed your conscience and did the right thing,” Mr. Edgings admitted as he walked towards his daughter. Her mother stood gaping and flaring in anger. Embracing a sobbing Anne in his arms, Mr. Edgings stood proud, unaffected by the stares of others.