The Shadow Behind Her Smile

by Janene Wood

  “Three! You've slept with three boys? You dirty slut!” said Marjie, feigning shock. Her reaction didn't fool the others; they knew she was tucking the information away, along with all the other juicy tidbits her friends had let slip so far, so she could spread them around the school come Monday morning, like rotting manure. If it wasn't for the fact that Marjie's father owned the local cinema and gave them free admission to all the latest movies, they probably wouldn't have anything to do with her. For free movies, they could put up with a lot.

  “I didn't have sex with them! God, what do you take me for? It was only kissing... and a bit of fondling. Okay, a lot of fondling, but our clothes were on the whole time, I swear! Well, most of our clothes,” amended Fiona, blushing furiously under her friends' intense scrutiny.

  “Who were they? Tell us! We want names,” demanded Linda.

  “I bet I can guess,” interjected Marjie before Fiona could decide whether or not to answer. “That Isaac boy and Matthew Bond, right? They've been sniffing around you like you were a bitch in heat for weeks now. Tell me I'm wrong, Fi, and I'll do all your homework for a month! I I'm not, though, am I?” she added smugly.

  Fiona's lopsided smile told them she wasn't wrong, but then she screwed up her nose in mild distaste. “It wasn't actually that great, not with those two, at least. Isaac is way too sloppy a kisser and Matthew kept pinching my nipples, the filthy perv.” The girls all made sympathetic noises. “The other one, though...” she said, teasing them with a lazy smile, “...he actually had some idea of what he was doing. And he was not happy when I wouldn't go all the way.”

  “Tell us! Who was it?” demanded Linda and Marjie simultaneously.

  Pausing for dramatic effect, Fiona announced, “Brett Corby!”

  The reaction from her friends was all she could have hoped for. Linda sighed heavily with unrequited lust while Marjie stared at her with hard green eyes of envy.

  “If ever a boy could tempt a girl to spread her legs, then Brett Corby is that boy,” remarked Marjie coarsely.

  “I assure you, he's no mere boy,” giggled Fiona lewdly, making the others laugh.

  “He's not bad-looking,” admitted 'Rissa, who rarely ever looked at a boy except to tell him to get out of her way, “but he's doped to the eyeballs most of the time.”

  “He might have been a little high,” admitted Fiona reluctantly.

  “That's probably why he wanted to sleep with you,” remarked Marjie cruelly. “Doesn't smoking marijuana increase your libido?”

  “He's doing more than smoking pot,” Larissa informed them. “The other week, I heard him ask Bulldog if he wanted to trip with him.”

  “LSD? That stuff really fucks up your head,” said Marjie, half in admiration, half in disgust. “My cousin does that shit. Last time I saw him, he barely knew his own name.”

  Kate's ears had pricked up at the mention of Brett Corby and she listened interestedly to the girls' comments. She had once believed herself in love with Brett, but that was before she learned the pointlessness of silly schoolgirl crushes. Love was a stupid, self-indulgent waste of time, and she had vowed not to indulge in it from that point on – although she was chagrined to realise she could still picture Brett's handsome, slightly conceited face with no trouble at all. It was no great surprise to hear he was high all the time. Hadn't Tayo warned her to steer clear of him for that very reason?

  Dispelling the image of Brett’s face, she tuned out once more, focusing on the distant horizon where a faint, orange-red glow in the evening sky was all that remained of the tropical sun. Gradually she became aware of 'Rissa watching her.

  “You okay, Kate?” Larissa murmured softly so the other girls couldn't hear. For the moment, they were fully engaged discussing the intimate details of Fiona's encounter with Brett Corby, but that would change at the first hint of anything spicy.

  “Yeah, I'm okay. Just feeling a little mean spirited, that's all. About what I did to Roger. Everything was fine the way it was; why did he have to go and ruin it?”

  Larissa placed a comforting hand on Kate's arm. “What did he actually do to make you dump him like that?”

  “He said he loved me, that's what!” exclaimed Kate furiously. As if there is anything about me that's worth loving, she thought bitterly.

  “Did he mean it, or was it just...you know, because he fucked you, and he thought it’s what you wanted to hear?”

  The question was asked in such an ingenuous tone of voice that Kate had a sudden urge to laugh. She didn't, though. “God, 'Rissa, you have such a cynical view of the world! Actually, he never did...fuck me, that is. Though it wasn't from a lack of willingness on my part.”

  “Of course he didn't fuck you,” interjected Marjie, overhearing Kate's reply, which had been uttered a little too loudly to avoid detection from her bat-like ears. “Not after what Tayo threatened to do to him if he did.”

  “What?” said Kate, certain she must have misheard.

  “Shut up, Marjie!” whispered Fiona urgently. Shaking her head in annoyance, she muttered, “I knew I shouldn't have told you! Tayo's going to be so pissed!”

  “You reckon Tayo's gonna be pissed! I'd be more worried about me, if I were you,” said Larissa menacingly. “Tell us what he said and then you can both fuck off, you bloody two-faced bitches!”

  “I'm so sorry, Kate,” whined Fiona. “I wanted to tell you, but Tayo scares me a lot more than you do!”

  A torrent of abuse threatened to spew out of Kate's mouth all over the hapless girls, but it subsided almost as quickly as it had flared up – the part aimed at her friends at least. Tayo was scary these days, and she understood why Fiona had held back such a crucial piece of information. She didn't feel quite so kindly toward Marjie though; this was exactly the kind of furor she would have hoped to incite by carelessly spilling the beans. Kate was still mad, but her anger was a slow burning fuse, directed mainly at Tayo, who was supposed to be on her side.

  Tayo had really manned up after Jack disappeared, less than a week after the funeral, leaving only a pathetic excuse of a note behind. “I can't handle this,” the note said. “I have to go. I'll call soon. Don't worry about me.”

  Tayo listened to her rant and curse at her brother, at God, and at anyone else she thought deserving of it. He agreed with everything she said, sat up with her at night when she couldn't sleep, cooked for her when she forgot to eat and made sure she stayed healthy.

  It was his way of coping, she supposed, burying his own needs and focusing on someone else. Simply by being there, by being present, he supported her. He didn't run away and he didn't judge. They didn't talk much about the accident – talking just ripped the scab off the wound – but they each understood how the other felt. Sam had been family to both of them.

  Over the following weeks, Tayo gradually took over the role Jack had abdicated, but he needed to realise now that he was not her brother. That he had overstepped the mark. How dare he take it upon himself to interfere in her life like this? What business was it of his if she wanted to sleep with Roger? Or anyone else, for that matter. She had half a mind to go downstairs and have it off with the first boy who looked at her. That would bloody teach him!

  Kate accepted Fiona's apology with an impatient shake of her head. “It's fine, Fi, it's not your fault. Just tell me what Tayo actually said.”

  Fiona took a deep breath. “He told Roger he'd cut his gonads off and use them as golf balls if he heard even a hint of a rumour that he'd had sex with you.”

  Kate gave a humourless snort. “That sounds like Tayo.”

  She didn't like admitting it, but Tayo had changed since the accident, and not in a good way. No longer the light-hearted, irreverent boy she had reluctantly come to care for, he was now proud and prickly, intolerant of almost everyone, and quick to anger. These negative traits were always there, but had been hidden behind an affable facade and a desire to please Sam. Sam brought out the best in people, and more than anything, Tayo had wanted to please him. To be
like him. With Sam gone, Tayo reverted to his baser nature.

  Although never with her. With Kate, he was still the same touchingly vulnerable frog-boy he had always been. Only now he felt responsible for her, which explained the threat to castrate her wanna-be lover.

  “I'm amazed Roger went anywhere near you after that,” said Marjie, sensitive as ever. “It took real balls,” she said, laughing at her own joke.

  “Shut up, you stupid cow,” said Larissa offhandedly. “The three of you get out of my sight right now, and if you know what's good for you, don't breathe a word of this conversation to anyone.”

  They didn't need to be told twice. A few seconds later, the girls disappeared down the stairs and Kate and Larissa were alone.

  “Tayo's really lost it this time,” said 'Rissa thoughtfully. “What are you going to do?”

  “I'm going to kill him,” said Kate vehemently. “I'm not sure how yet, but I'll think of something. Got any suggestions?”

  Larissa laughed and gleefully rubbed her hands together.

  Two hours later, they were out of booze and thinking about calling it a night. They had discussed in great detail, with much giggling and embellishment, a hundred different ways of punishing Tayo, but were unable to reach a final consensus.

  “If I ban him from coming to the house,” said Kate, no longer joking, “which is the thing that would hurt him most, I would be punishing myself as well. I never thought I'd ever say this, but I like having him around. He keeps the ghosts at bay.”

  Larissa gave her a queer look.

  Kate laughed at her expression. “You know what I mean. He makes the house feel more lived in. Less tomb-like.”

  “Well, then, you might have to settle for yelling at him and giving him the silent treatment for a few days. Men hate it when you ignore them.”

  “Such wisdom from one so young,” giggled Kate.

  “My face has gone numb,” announced Larissa abruptly, pinching her cheeks as if trying to wake herself up. “I'd better go home while I can still feel my legs.” Climbing awkwardly to her feet, she swayed for a few seconds while her head became accustomed to the change in altitude. Kate would have laughed except she had the same problem.

  Somehow they made it down the stairs and remembered to pull the door shut behind them. There was still a good crowd hanging out downstairs, all boys older than themselves. Kate noted with relief that Roger wasn't among them. It wasn't late, not even ten o'clock, but it felt like midnight. She would have a headache in the morning, but right now, she didn't care. Another equally unpleasant thought occurred to her. “Crap! I have to walk home!”

  Larissa chuckled. “Bad luck, babe. I'd ask you to sleep over, but I actually like you, so I won't.”

  Kate kept her face carefully blank, forbearing to say anything that could be construed as sympathy, which was the quickest way to put Larissa offside. Her friend’s home life was tough – but then, whose wasn't? She settled for hugging the other girl and saying, “See you tomorrow?”

  Larissa nodded and hugged her back. “Don't forget now,” she instructed, “give him the old silent treatment. He'll be begging for forgiveness in a couple of days!”

  Out on the street, they turned in opposite directions. Kate sighed at the thought of the long walk home but, having burnt her bridges with Roger, was all out of options. She had only gone twenty yards when a sudden movement on the darkened street ahead caught her eye. Startled, she pulled up short, her heart in her mouth as she tried to discern who or what was out there.

  “It's just me,” called a disembodied voice.

  For a second she thought it was Roger, wanting to “discuss” things. Ugh! She shuddered at the thought, but it was just Tayo, thank God, leaning on the bonnet of his car. As she walked toward him, she saw his expression was wary. Good. She hoped he had been waiting a good long while.

  “A little birdie told me you might need a lift home,” he said guardedly.

  “Little birdie, my arse,” muttered Kate angrily. “More like Marjie bloody Carter, the bitch.”

  “Language, Little M!” exclaimed Tayo in mock reproach.

  “I'll give you language, you bloody Frog bastard! You're not my favourite person right now – as I'm sure little Miss Marjie already told you – so I'd tread carefully.”

  “She did mention something along those lines,” he said dryly. “Why don't you get in the car and we can discuss it on the way home.”

  He opened the passenger door of his car, a black 1967 Ford Mustang he'd had imported from the United States at ridiculous expense. It had been the talk of the town for weeks, with every man and his dog speculating where the money came from to pay for such an outrageous extravagance. Kate had her own ideas about that, and tried not to judge. People in glass houses and all. She was hardly a pillar of virtuousness.

  One evening a few weeks ago, sitting on Kate's back verandah, listening to the waves and the much more raucous laughter of kookaburras in the surrounding trees, he explained his reasons for buying it. He’d brought a six-pack of beer with him and they drank all six cans, one after the other, until their tongues were loose enough to talk more freely than usual. It was the first time Kate had ever drunk beer; the bitter taste took a bit of getting used to, but she wasn't one to look a gift horse in the mouth.

  “I bought the car for Sam,” explained Tayo, a little embarrassed by the admission. “He saw a picture of one in a magazine a few months back, and he couldn't stop talking about it. About how he was going to build up the business and save enough money to buy one. He loved his Anglia, but he thought the Mustang was the most beautiful thing on earth. So I bought one...you know, as a reminder that life is short and we should never take it for granted.” He shrugged then, and smiled impudently. “It goes really fast, too.”

  Kate paused before getting into the Mustang, momentarily frozen by the memory. Her tone when she spoke again had lost some of its sting. “As long as you remember we're going to my home, not yours, Frog-boy. You don't live there and I can kick you out any time I want.”

  Tayo's only response to this not so subtle threat was a small grunt of acknowledgment. Kate knew she had wounded him, although he would never admit it, and couldn't help feeling a twinge of guilt. Resolutely, she pushed it aside; she wasn't the guilty one here.

  Tayo revved the engine and the sound was like the purr of a contented, satiated cat. A very big cat. He drove sedately, silently, outwardly relaxed.

  “I can't believe you threatened Roger,” she said at last. “You had no right!”

  “I had every right,” he replied calmly. “I promised Sam I'd take care of you.”

  “I don't need you to take care of me! You think I'm only fifteen, but I've aged a hundred years since Mum died, and I have the emotional scars to prove it! I've earned the right to make my own mistakes and I know what I need much better than you do.”

  “And fucking Roger Bartlett is what you need?” he retorted sarcastically.

  “Maybe! Not that it's ever going to happen now,” she muttered morosely.

  “Well, thank bloody Christ for that! You're just a kid, Kate! A little girl who doesn't know shit. Do you think your mother would overjoyed with the idea of her precious baby having it off with an over-sexed Neanderthal in the back seat of his car? What if you got pregnant? Or got VD? She wanted more for you than that, Little M.”

  Kate's cheeks were burning with humiliation. Why were they even talking about this? Why couldn't he just apologise and admit he'd gone too far? Yet she couldn't, in all honesty, deny what he'd said about Jane. That probably galled her more than anything. Her mother had wanted not only the world for her, but the sun and the stars too.

  “It was actually the front seat of his car,” she retorted pettily, unable to help herself. “And yes, I'm aware Mum wouldn’t be particularly proud of my recent behaviour, but she would have respected my privacy and allowed me to live my own life.” That wasn't entirely true; Jane would have insisted they talk about it, repeatedly, arguin
g that she should wait till she was older. But she would never have gone behind her back and threatened to make a eunuch of her boyfriend!

  They reached the bottom of Kate's driveway, and without consultation, Tayo pulled over and switched the engine off. Ironically, it was the same spot where she and Roger used to stop and make out. It was eerily quiet inside the car; there was no sound other than their own heavy breathing. Pumped full of adrenaline, Kate felt completely sober and unpleasantly alert. That annoyed her almost as much as Tayo's high-handed behaviour.

  “Do you know how many lovers my mother had while we were growing up?” Kate demanded, her voice growing louder and more strident with each furious syllable. “There was a goddamn lot of them. We never actually saw her in bed with anyone, or in any sort of compromising position, but she wasn't a good liar and she had an affectionate nature. We would have been pretty obtuse not to figure it out. And she wasn't any sort of a hypocrite, so don't even think about going there,” she snarled. “In fact, you can just shut up about my mother altogether, okay! You didn't know her!”

  “Okay,” agreed Tayo, keeping his cool, despite Kate's aggressive tone. “But I do know you, and I know how complicated and unpredictable you are – and how weirdly conservative.”

  That was an understatement, thought Kate bitterly, but refrained from saying so.

  “And I've read both your books, so I know you're a hopeless romantic,” he stated matter-of-factly.

  That surprised her; he had never even hinted at that before.

  “You only have to look at Tessa, who's a virtual clone of you, to know that,” he went on. “She's endured her share of ups and downs, just like you, but I notice you haven't let her have sex yet. I don't want to get too analytical, but that tells me sex isn't just a physical thing for you. Deep down, you need a connection. You want your white knight, but you're hurting so badly that you latched onto the first half-way decent guy who showed any interest in you. You've lost sight of what you really need from a relationship.”

  He turned to face her, and even in the dark she could feel his eyes boring into her. “You should be head over heels in love when you do it for the first time, Kate, and we both know you don't love Roger Bartlett.”