Bilhah looked again at Choraz and gave him a wan smile. “Thank you,” she said.
Choraz nodded and led his older brothers away from the tent.
“Come inside, Bilhah,” said Laban.
Sitting just inside the tent, it took Bilhah only a few moments to tell her concern. What Zilpah had said about Rachel not knowing what she needed to know, and then Rachel crying after talking to Hassaweh.
“She’s afraid of the marriage, sir,” said Bilhah. “And when I encourage her, it does no good.”
“Because you’re not married,” said Laban.
“Hassaweh’s married, and she made it worse.”
“An interesting woman, this wife of my son Choraz,” said Laban.
“Sir, you must talk to her. What if she doesn’t want to marry Jacob?”
Laban looked at her as if she were insane. “My promise is given.”
“I know,” said Bilhah. “But if she’s terrified, would you force her to go ahead?”
“What’s to be terrified about? People get married all the time.”
“She never saw her own mother and father as husband and wife,” said Bilhah. “So what marriages has she seen? The marriages of servants, of course. Do you think that will reassure her?”
“Her brothers are married,” said Laban dismissively.
Bilhah said nothing, while she let Laban realize what he had just said.
“Well, I suppose that isn’t very reassuring either, is it,” said Laban. “Nothing wrong with the girls, though—they have lots of babies.”
“And they and their husbands are constantly quarreling. And it’s well known that your sons used to go to Byblos and—”
“In Byblos they conducted business,” said Laban coldly. “Or do you listen to idle gossip?”
“Does Rachel?”
Laban sighed. “She knows that Jacob is a better man than Nahor and Terah.”
“But is he a better husband? She’s afraid, sir. Talk to her. Or would you have her weeping all the way through her wedding?”
“And talking to Hassaweh didn’t help?” said Laban hopefully.
“Made it worse, sir.”
He touched his forehead and sighed. “What can a man do, when women decide to have a fit about something? She’s always been a sensible girl till now.” His voice suddenly got louder. “For seven years, she couldn’t figure things out? Now suddenly it’s time to panic?”
“I don’t know if I’d be any different, sir,” said Bilhah. “It’s one thing to know it’s coming far in the future. Something else when it’s coming in a few weeks.”
“I’ll talk to her.”
“Thank you, sir.”
“Unless you can get her calmed down first,” said Laban.
“If I thought I could, I wouldn’t have bothered you, sir.”
“Leah was always the problem child,” said Laban. “Not Rachel.”
“Maybe now it’s Rachel’s turn,” said Bilhah.
“Why did God make her so beautiful, and not make her desire marriage?”
But Laban seemed to be asking God, or maybe just himself. Bilhah didn’t attempt to answer.
PART XI
WEDDINGS
CHAPTER 25
Leah knew that something was wrong, but she couldn’t figure out what it was. Everything seemed normal. Choraz was home, of course, which made some difference, but it wasn’t as though he was actually around. During the weeks before Rachel’s wedding he was out with his men—and Nahor and Terah—visiting all the outlying herds and flocks.
Likewise, Hassaweh made sure she was the center of attention whenever she felt like it, but that didn’t interfere with Leah’s life in any noticeable way. And Hassaweh seemed to have provided Asta and Deloch with someone new to resent, which meant that they left Leah and Rachel alone.
Mornings, Leah and Zilpah and Bilhah spent together in Jacob’s dooryard, copying and reading. That was still a peaceful time, as it had been almost from the start. In the seven years that Jacob had been here, Leah had heard every word of every book, and now they were well through the second pass, with Bilhah making yet another copy.
As for Leah herself, during those hours she lived in the world of Adam and Eve and Seth, Enoch and Zion, Noah and his family, Shem and Melchizedek, Abraham and Sarah, Isaac and Rebekah. She no longer listened to the words of the Lord in a desperate search for some message to herself. Now she understood that the Lord said to his children in every age whatever they needed to know, whatever they could bear to hear.
What I need, he will tell me. Meanwhile, I’m still learning how to follow his path. Still trying to get control of myself so I can be his true daughter and servant.
She knew she was coming closer than ever before.
So … why was she so ill at ease? What was it that worried her and woke her in the morning, to lie there brooding in the darkness?
When the Lord didn’t answer her questions, she decided he meant her to figure things out herself. So she began paying more attention to what went on around her. There was, of course, the normal amount of tension between Bilhah and Zilpah—the two of them never really understood each other, and why should they? Leah had long since figured out that neither one of them was a servant by nature, and both of them seethed sometimes at the course of their lives. But she could do nothing to solve that, except to treat them both fairly, and study the scriptures with them in hopes that God would bring peace to their souls.
Jacob also seemed to be preoccupied, but from what Leah could sense—the times he stiffened or grew more alert, the way he turned away when something disgusted him—she knew exactly what was bothering him. Choraz’s homecoming worried him. Well, that wasn’t hard to figure out. Jacob knew that Terah and Nahor resented him, and Choraz’s arrival shortly before Rachel’s wedding couldn’t be mere coincidence. Choraz had been sent for, and it had something to do with Jacob.
But Leah knew that Jacob had nothing to fear from Choraz. He might have become a man of warfare, but he was still Choraz, and he would do nothing to harm the man that Rachel loved. Besides, if Choraz did take it into his head to try to do battle with Jacob, he would soon find out how the Lord strengthens the arm of his servant. Wasn’t Jacob the man that the Lord had shown a vision of heaven? A man who had seen the angels going to and fro between heaven and earth had nothing to fear from a mere soldier, however bloody his sword. The only way Choraz could kill Jacob or drive him away would be if God wanted it to happen.
The flocks and herds were prospering. The servants were eager for the festivities surrounding the wedding, even though the preparations caused more work for everyone.
Leah wondered for a while if her unease was caused by the tender way everyone was treating her—the older sister who would stand there unmarried at her younger sister’s wedding. Leah didn’t even bother to reassure them—her heart was at peace when it came to marriage. Leah was in the hands of the Lord—if he wanted her to marry, there would be a husband. Meanwhile, she would rejoice at her sister’s wedding, and be happy to have Jacob for a brother.
Perhaps I’m so restless and fretful because I’m going to die. Couldn’t that be the message the Lord has for me? Now that Rachel is getting married, and I’m not, perhaps God will bring me home and relieve me of this blurred and shadowed life. To see God with clear eyes! But that would be perfect happiness—why would a premonition of my death wake me in the night, full of anxiety? No, that wasn’t what was bothering her.
It could only be Rachel.
As far as Leah could see, Rachel was behaving as she normally did—all the same routines, in and out of camp, tending to the flocks. It was as if the wedding weren’t even happening. That, of course, was unusual—most girls, even servant girls, became excited in the days before they married, chatted constantly, gave away their childish toys, put on womanly airs, walked about as if in a dream.
There was none of that with Rachel. If anything she grew quieter and kept to herself even more than usual.
Leah could hear it in the trembling of Rachel’s breath from time to time. In the fidgeting of her fingers. In the slump of her shoulders. The silent sigh that had just the slightest catch in it. The way Rachel hung back when Jacob was near. The slowness of her steps, where once she would have run.
Rachel is unhappy, so I’m unhappy. That’s what’s been waking me up in the darkness.
Once she realized what the problem was, Leah wasted no time. She rose at once from where she sat in Jacob’s dooryard.
Bilhah and Zilpah both stopped what they were doing and looked up at her expectantly.
“Go ahead without me,” Leah said to Bilhah. “Zilpah, will you help me find Rachel?”
In a few moments they were walking along the path that wound through the hills to the nearby flock that Rachel would be tending. “Stay close, mistress,” said Zilpah. “The path drops away steeply here on the right.”
“If I hold tightly enough to you, then at least if I fall and die, I won’t die alone.”
“Very funny,” said Zilpah. “The question is whether you can hold on as strongly as I can shove away.”
“Let’s see!” said Leah. She feinted toward the edge of the path.
Zilpah’s effort to break free was half-hearted at best—she didn’t dare use her full strength, Leah knew, for fear that in their horseplay she’d accidently push Leah off the edge.
“All right,” said Leah. “I’ll be good.”
“Oh, that will be a nice change.”
They walked in silence for a while.
“Lady Leah,” said Zilpah. “Why are we looking for Rachel?”
“Because I have to talk with her.”
“What about?”
“I’m worried about her.”
“Well, aren’t we all!”
“Are we? All of us? I’ve heard no talk about it.”
“People don’t talk about the wedding near you, Mistress,” said Zilpah.
“I know,” said Leah. “Isn’t that silly?”
“In the old days, they would have avoided the topic for fear of launching you on a tantrum,” said Zilpah. “But now, it’s because they don’t want to hurt your feelings.”
“Well, what is everyone worried about?”
“Not everyone,” said Zilpah. “I meant—all of us who actually know how frightened Rachel is.”
“And who is that?”
“Me,” said Zilpah. “Bilhah, not that she ever talks about Lady Rachel behind her back. Hassaweh and Choraz. And your father. Not that he confides in me, either. But you can see how he watches her and gets thoughtful.”
No, I can’t see that, thought Leah. But that was nothing new.
“So with all of you concerned about Rachel, I have nothing to worry about?”
“Hardly,” said Zilpah. “Rachel’s not talking to anybody. Your father has tried several times to get her to come to his tent and talk to him about the wedding, but she just blushes and refuses. Or when he presses her and she promises to come, then she just … doesn’t do it.”
“And she doesn’t say why?”
“I think she’s terrified. From what Hassaweh said. From what I saw myself. I think she’s afraid of … but what does it matter what I think? She won’t talk to me about it, so I don’t know any more than you. You’ll see.”
And, for once, Leah did see. Rachel greeted them cheerfully enough, but after Zilpah withdrew, when Leah tried to make cheerful conversation with Rachel, she turned back to the sheep she was examining.
“Rachel,” said Leah.
“What?” asked Rachel, a little impatiently. “Can’t you see I’m working?”
“I can see you’re working at a task that could be done tomorrow as easily as today. Or next week. Or next month.”
“Well, next month I won’t be doing this, will I?”
“I don’t know,” said Leah. “What are you and Jacob planning?”
“We’re not planning anything,” said Rachel.
“Have you asked him what he’s planning?”
“No.”
“Let me guess. When he tries to talk about it, you do to him what you’re doing to me.”
“I’m not doing anything to you.”
“You’re making it very clear you want me to go away and leave you alone.”
“And yet you don’t go.”
“That’s because I love you so much, my darling sister.”
“Oh, I see,” said Rachel. “They’ve all gotten together and chosen you to come talk to me about how happy I should be before my wedding.”
“Nobody got together with anybody.”
“Why don’t I believe you?”
“Because you’re as dumb as two rocks in the road. Nobody’s talking to me about you or the wedding because they’re afraid they’ll hurt my feelings.”
Rachel said nothing.
“You didn’t think of that, did you?” said Leah.
Rachel sighed. “No. Sorry if my wedding is making things hard for you.”
“Ah, there’s the snotty-voiced sister that I was looking for.”
“I didn’t ask for this conversation, Leah.”
“Look, Rachel,” said Leah. “I don’t know what’s going on, but it’s plain that you’re suffering and Zilpah tells me you won’t talk to anybody about it.”
“There’s no ‘it’ to talk about.”
“Good. Then you can go right to Father and tell him that.”
“I already have.”
“But you haven’t explained it to him,” said Leah. “You haven’t told him in detail exactly what it is you aren’t feeling, which is keeping you from being excited about your wedding like a normal bride.”
“I’m not normal,” said Rachel. “You go tell him that.”
“Father loves you,” said Leah. “He won’t make you marry Jacob if you don’t want to.”
Rachel sighed.
“What do you want, Rachel?”
“I want you to leave me alone. Father will be furious when he finds out you came all the way out here. You could have fallen. The path isn’t safe for somebody who can’t see the ground clearly.”
“Lead me back,” said Leah.
“Zilpah can lead you.”
“You take me or I’ll throw a tantrum.”
“Don’t be stupid. You don’t do that anymore.”
“You think I’ve forgotten how?”
“I don’t care whether you have or not.”
“Rachel, come back with me and talk to Father.”
“You plan to drag me?”
“Who’s throwing a tantrum, anyway?” said Leah.
“Not me.”
“Yes you. What do you think this act of yours is? ‘Leave me alone. Let me suffer in silence. I won’t talk to anybody. Nothing’s wrong.’”
“I’m saying good-bye to my life, is that all right with you?”
“What was that? An answer?” Leah laughed. “Well, that was a nice try, but I don’t believe it. Saying good-bye to your life? You’re getting married, you’re not dying.”
“I am dying,” said Rachel. “The girl I’ve always been, she’s going to be dead and gone. She’s never coming back. So leave me alone to say good-bye to that life.”
“Fine, that’s worth an hour of quiet reflection, not this pout that’s been going on for weeks.”
“I’m not pouting.”
“Not visibly,” said Leah. “But you must remember that I’m the one who can sense things that the eye can’t see.”
“Even things that don’t exist.”
“For instance, do you think Jacob isn’t worried about you?”
“If he were, he would have said something.”
“What, for instance? Don’t you understand that he can’t? You’re making such a show of being miserable
before the wedding, what is he supposed to think? He’s with you every day, for hours at a time—”
“Speaking of which, he should be here any time. So I can’t go with you.”
“And you don’t talk to him about what’s bothering you. No doubt he thinks that you’ve decided you’d rather marry a rich warrior, some man like Choraz.”
“That’s just stupid.”
“Talk to Jacob, if you won’t talk to Father.”
“I don’t even want to talk to you.”
“Then let me put it another way,” said Leah. “I’m doing a good job of being happy for you. But it’s all completely wasted if you aren’t even happy for yourself.”
“Please, please, Leah, leave me alone.”
“I won’t leave you alone.”
Rachel turned back to the sheep.
“How many days till the wedding, Rachel?”
“I don’t know.”
“Everyone else does. What will you wear?”
“Some dress. They’re making it for me.”
“Everyone else has seen it. Not you, though, right?”
“I’ll see it when they fit it on me.”
In despair, Leah closed her eyes and prayed silently. Help me, Lord God, to say what Rachel needs to hear.
“What are you doing?” said Rachel.
“Praying for you,” said Leah.
Rachel said nothing.
“I love you, Rachel,” said Leah. “I want you to be happy.”
Silence from Rachel.
“God sent his prophet to be your husband. You were chosen.”
Rachel actually shuddered.
“What’s wrong?” demanded Leah.
“Was I chosen?” said Rachel. “By God?”
“You know you were.”
“Or did I just dream it up, because I wanted to be like Rebekah?”
“Jacob’s real. I know, I’ve seen him.”
“No you haven’t,” said Rachel. “All you’ve seen is a blur.” And then she giggled at her own joke.
Giggled, but it was as if she had opened a dam. Suddenly she began to cry. And not just quiet tears. She cried as if someone she loved had just died.
Leah sat down in the grass beside her and put her arms around her. Rachel let her do it and cried into her shoulder. Until she slid down and cried in Leah’s lap. All the while, Leah stroked her, patted her, but said nothing.
Rachel and Leah (Women of Genesis) Page 27