by Roya Carmen
He wraps his arms around me and holds me tight. I close my eyes, enjoying the closeness. That was sex, and this… this is just a hug. He burrows his head in the crook of my neck, and I revel in his spicy scent.
“I’m sorry,” he says quietly. “I lost control. I hadn’t intended on doing that.” He pulls a sweaty strand of hair from my face and kisses the apple of my cheek. “But it was beautiful.”
I’m speechless. Yes, it was – beautifully sinful.
“I’ll let you get yourself together,” he adds. “I’ll be back in a minute or two.”
Glued to the floor, I can’t seem to move. My body is still shaking, and I’m afraid I’ll be unsteady on my feet if I try to stand, especially since I’m still wearing the gorgeous shoes. I’m sure he won’t be long though, and I can’t let him find me still sprawled out on the floor like a wanton hussy. I sit up and wipe my sweaty forehead. I suppose this is what it feels like to be thoroughly fucked – you can barely get up afterward. I crawl and press my hands against the piano bench to pull myself up. I straighten the folds of my skirt, pat my hair down, and try to make a decent woman out of myself.
August smiles when he finally makes a reappearance. I know I must be quite the sight. I’m still holding on to the bodice of my dress, shy all of a sudden. I turn away from him, and he zips me up.
“You look flushed,” he says. “I like you like that.”
Still dizzy, I turn back to him, not quite knowing what to say.
He extends his hand to me. “Here, why don’t you sit on the bench with me?”
I sit down and finally take a minute to fully appreciate the room. There’s a tall ladder against the curved bookcases lining the wall. It’s on a sliding mechanism of some sort. “This is the most fabulous library I’ve ever seen.”
He smiles. “I thought you would appreciate it. Every writer should have a library, don’t you think?”
“Why didn’t you show me this room before?”
“I don’t know. I’ve wanted to bring you up here for ages,” he says quietly.
Silence divides us. The air suddenly feels charged, the room smaller.
“What is it?”
“This was Olivia’s piano,” he says. “And this room is so intimate… I just…”
“I understand,” I say, not wanting him to go on. He probably feels a certain amount of guilt being here with me, especially after what we’ve just done. “So do you play?”
He laughs. “Oh, no… but…”
He shoots me a playful smirk before he fiddles with the piano, pressing a few buttons. And then like magic, a song plays as the keys move all by themselves. I’m taken aback, but I love it. I don’t quite recognize the song.
I watch the keys, mesmerised. “This is freaky. It’s like there’s a ghost playing.”
He laughs. “Oh, but there is. Didn’t you know a ghost lives in this house?”
“I’ve always suspected. We kids never wanted to come near this house except on Halloween.”
He beams. “Jacques is a friendly ghost.”
“Oh, Jacques? Your ghost is French?” I manage to choke out between giggles.
“Yes,” he tells me. “He loves cheese, of course. He’s always raiding the refrigerator.”
We both laugh, but our laughter soon fades into silence.
“Well…” He smiles. “This didn’t quite go as I planned…”
“How so?”
“Well, the plan was to bring you up here, play you a song, and dance with you, but we got a little carried away.”
I close my eyes. My words are caught in my throat. “That… that sounds… nice.”
“I ended up seducing you, and the rest of the plan seems to have flown out the window.”
I smile at him, completely smitten. He’s just so damn sweet. “We could still dance.”
“I’d love that,” he says.
The song is nearing its end, so he starts a new song, and after just a few notes, I recognize it – Chris de Burgh’s “Lady in Red.” My heart swells, and I’m caught with emotion again. I love this song. My mother used to listen to it over and over when Amber and I were young, and we would all dance in the living room. It’s one of my most cherished memories of her.
He couldn’t have possibly known that. It’s almost as if he touches a hidden part of me sometimes, and I wonder how he can see it. This feels deeper than attraction, almost as if we were meant to find each other. But he still loves his wife, not me. His heart isn’t available, I remind myself as he urges me to follow him to the open space at the centre of the room.
I smile tightly. “Wow, that’s the perfect song. How fitting.”
He extends his hand. “Come with me, lady in red.”
I fall into his arms seamlessly, and we dance slowly to this most beautiful song. He presses his hand into the lower curve of my back, and with each second, he holds me tighter until I rest against his chest.
“The words of this song are quite fitting,” he says softly. “You look so lovely tonight. I’ll always remember you in this dress.”
“Thank you for the dress. And the shoes and necklace.”
“You deserve them,” he says quietly. “It’s a thank-you for everything you’ve done for me.” He pulls from me and presses a finger under my chin, raising my face to his. “I haven’t even kissed you yet.”
Every fibre in my body wants to kiss him as he presses his soft mouth on mine. His mouth traces the curve of bottom lip. My tongue searches for his, savouring his sweet taste. He’s such a great kisser. I tell myself I’ll take just a minute to enjoy his kiss, but with every second, I can feel myself falling deeper into him, getting lost in desire, wanting more…
I reluctantly tear myself away. I’ve told myself I can’t go there. First we kiss passionately, then he takes me to bed and makes beautiful love to me. Then I’ll never be able to go back. He will have caught me, destroyed me. Unless I know that he’s available to me, I can’t take the chance.
“Ruby…” he whispers, apparently stunned by my withdrawal.
I press my hand to my mouth and wipe the taste of him off my lips. “I’m sorry.”
I can’t take my eyes off him as I step backward in an attempt to escape. He’s so beautiful in his suit, his breathtaking, sorrowful eyes pinning me with a single question. What’s wrong?
I need to explain, but I don’t know how to. “August… you and me… it’s a bad idea.”
He reaches for my hand, but I back away. The skirt of my dress sways against the floor as I retreat.
“I know you work for me, but I thought we’d established that that wasn’t a problem,” he says, clearly still confused.
I feel horrible. “It’s not that. You’re just not ready. You still love Olivia…”
And with those words, I turn toward the doorway and dash out of the gorgeous room. I scurry to the staircase, grasping the thick fabric of my dress in my hands. As I run down the stairs, my heel catches on the runner and I almost fall. I catch myself on the banister and bend to retrieve my beautiful shoe. I really do feel like Cinderella dashing off at the stroke of midnight.
August runs after me, but when he tries to grab my wrist, I pull away and tell him I have to go. As I run back to the powder room, I catch one last glimpse of his expression, and I wonder if he understands. Does he understand why I can’t do this? Why I can’t let him in? Does he realize how powerful he is? Powerful enough to completely shatter me.
August
I stare at my reflection as I unknot my tie. When I’d first put on this suit, I felt exhilarated. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d worn a suit; it was years ago, at a charity fundraiser I attended with Olivia.
When I dressed, I had so many perfect plans for the evening, my mind full of Ruby. But the night didn’t quite go as expected. I now find myself alone and confused, wondering where we went wrong.
I revel in my memories of her in that dress. It fit her like a glove, and she looked as amazing as I’d imagined she wo
uld. The ruby necklace, the shoes – everything was perfect. Her auburn hair and ruby lips… no one could have looked better in that dress. As soon as she stepped out of the powder room, I wanted to ravish her. It took all I had not to take her right there on the marble floor.
But I had plans. That would just have to wait. I wanted to take things slowly, let the evening progress to a beautiful conclusion – a dance and a sensual kiss.
As I peel off my white dress shirt, revealing my skin – too white, too long untouched – I close my eyes and imagine Ruby peeling off my shirt. I can almost feel her fingers on my skin. I would have loved to slowly unwrap her out of that exquisite dress, touch every inch of her lovely skin, and make slow love to her on my bed.
Instead, we found ourselves on the floor, both of us wanting nothing but a release. Fast and hard, as she wanted it. When I caught sight of her luscious rear in those sheer panties, it was all I wanted too. The primal part of me would no longer be patient or satisfied with soft touches and discovery but only with instant gratification. When I finally sank into her after all this time of imagining doing just that, she felt as fantastic as I’d imagined.
I sensed her pulling away, not only when she literally did – crawling away from me on all fours – but when she couldn’t quite look at me as I sank into her, as I pounded into her and made her moan with pleasure. When I sat next to her and danced with her, I felt her go rigid, and when she pulled away when I kissed her, I knew something was wrong. She was pulling away, and it absolutely broke my heart. She was afraid of me again, as she had been in the early days. I thought we had broken through that wall, but there she was, skittish again.
I chased her down the stairs, wanting answers, wanting to understand. She told me that I wasn’t ready, that I was still in love with Olivia.
It’s true. I still love Olivia. I always will. But am I ready to let someone new in my life? I honestly don’t even know the answer anymore. As I pull out the tongue of my belt then slide the leather around my waist, I struggle to answer that question. I want to be ready, but guilt lingers in the pit of my stomach when I look at Ruby a little too long, when my heart swells in her presence, when my cock hardens for her.
I walk away from the mirror, no longer able to stand the sight of myself. I see Olivia in the distance, her likeness caught in a four-by-six silver frame. As I hold her picture, she is as beautiful as the last time I saw her: long dark hair, haunting dark eyes, and the delicate lips of a doll. She will always remain beautiful and perfect. She will be forever young. She will never get old; gravity will never pull at her face, time will never crease her skin. And I will always love her. How can Ruby compete with that?
I speak to Olivia as I often do. I need her guidance. Olivia knows all about Ruby, first as my new employee. Then she came to know Ruby as someone who consumed my thoughts, drove me crazy, someone whom I had to get away from. And then she knew Ruby as the kind woman who wanted to help me. Now it’s time for her to know Ruby as the woman I’m falling in love with. I need more than Olivia’s guidance; I need her approval.
“Ruby and I…” I start, not quite believing how hard this is. “We finally… I think it was inevitable. We finally made love.” I laugh loudly, surprising myself. “I’m being polite as usual, Liv. You always told me I was too polite. I should rephrase that…” I set down her picture back on the shelf. “We fucked. That’s what she wanted. She’s afraid to get close. She knows I still love you. The truth is… I’m afraid to get too close too.”
I stand there staring at the gorgeous black-and-white photograph I took during one of our hikes. I remember that day as vividly as if it had been yesterday. “I will always love you, Oliva. But…” I falter, not quite able to put the words together. “I think… I might be falling for her too. And I want to know that’s okay.”
The truth is I want someone to tell me I deserve to love again – and to be loved. Since Olivia’s death was a result of my irresponsibility, I’ve always convinced myself that I deserve to die alone. This happiness, the thrill, the pleasure of another woman, it feels indulgent. I need Olivia’s blessing.
“Let me know it’s okay, Olivia. Give me a sign.”
I won’t push anymore. I’ll leave things in Ruby’s hands, let her lead the way. If she doesn’t think I deserve her, she won’t give herself to me. I know Olivia approves, and somehow, some day, she’ll let it be shown.
I walk to the washroom and peel off my pants and boxers. I stand in front of the mirror, naked. I’m aroused again. The sight of my nude form and the memory of Ruby sprawled out on the carpet – so wild, so unhinged – makes me hard. I close my eyes as I recall how she felt when I was finally able to lose myself inside her. She has barely touched my body, yet she has invaded it down to its core. She holds me in her grasp, and as hard as she is now trying to let go, I know I probably won’t let her.
I touch myself once again as I step under the hot shower jets, imagining her hands on me. Once more, I let her bring me to that blissful place.
Ruby
When I get home, Amber is busy in the kitchen as always. I attempt to zoom by, but she fixes me with wide eyes as I scurry past. A fraction of a second is all it takes for my sister to know something big is going down.
She’s hot on my heels as I bound up the stairs. “Ruby!”
I turn toward her, giving in. I know I’m not getting away any time soon. “Uh… how are you? What are you up to?”
I attempt to act casual, hoping she doesn’t notice the biggest, silkiest, most vibrant dress known to man in my arms. Unfortunately, the sparkly Louboutins are not exactly inconspicuous either.
She’s slack-jawed as she studies the silk masterpiece in my arms. “Oh my God! Is that a dress?”
I nod, frozen to the spot in the middle of the staircase.
“Let me see it,” she begs, a hand stopping in midair. It’s covered in white flour, which must be why she hasn’t ripped the dress from my arms already.
I hesitate as I walk slowly up the stairs, and she follows me eagerly. When I get to the landing, I set the shoes on the floor and free the dress from my arms, my fingers grasping the corset. It flows below me, filling the space between us.
She’s speechless for a beat or two, studying the dress. Her expression brightens with awe. “Oh my God, that is gorgeous.”
“I know. It’s beautiful.” My mind is full of visions of August and I dancing to “Lady in Red” and my writhing body caught in the multitude of layers of the flowing skirt as he finally took me. Sorrow fills me, and I want to cry.
“What’s wrong?” Amber asks. “Where have you been? What happened?”
I know I’ll have to tell her everything. She won’t have it any other way. “Come to my room, and I’ll tell you.”
She wipes her hands on her apron, bends, and grabs one of the shoes. “Holy fuck, these shoes.”
I’m stunned because Amber never curses. But I must admit these are F-bomb-worthy shoes. They’re fucking fabulous.
I smile as she picks up the other shoe. “C’mon, I’ll tell you everything, sis.”
It’s almost midnight, and Amber is sprawled out next to me on my bed, the both of us staring at the ceiling with goofy, dreamy grins.
“That is just so romantic,” she coos. “Here I thought the guy was some kind of serial killer weirdo, and he’s like a freaking modern-day prince.”
I laugh. “Kind of…”
“I can’t believe you danced to ‘Lady in Red’… I’m so jealous.”
I smile. “Well, it was a beautiful piano version, but not quite as good as Chris de Burgh’s. I kind of missed the words… I sang them in my head.”
“So romantic…” she whispers.
We surrender to the silence, the both of us exhausted. I think she might just fall asleep next to me just like she used to. I’m so tired, yet I’m wide awake. I play with the ruby pendant on my neck. I rub it between the pads of my fingers and thumb, pulling at it softly, wondering when he bought it for me
and where. Did he venture out to get it for me?
Her goofy smile fades when she turns to me. “Why don’t you let him in… see where things go? I don’t understand you.”
A lump forms at the back of my throat. She’s right – she doesn’t understand. I try to swallow the sorrow, but it sticks, makes my throat burn. “He’s not available. He’s still in love with her. He’ll break me.”
Her big green eyes are sad when she counters. “How do you know that if you never give it a try?”
My eyes fill with tears. “I don’t want to give it a try. I don’t want to get hurt.”
“Oh, Ruby,” she says softly when she spots the tears in my eyes. “You and I… we’ve lost so many people that I think we’re afraid to love. That’s how I was with Aiden. I wouldn’t let him in. He had to fight for me. And I can’t tell you how glad I am that he did. I’m so glad I finally let go of all my fears and worries and I finally let him in.”
She takes me into her arms as I fall into full-blown ugly sobs. If anyone has seen those before, it’s Amber.
“I’m… so scared to let him in,” I struggle to say through my sobs. “I’ve never felt like this about anyone.”
“You’re in love,” she says. “That’s what love feels like… scary, crazy… amazing.”
I pull away and wipe my tears with the heel of my hand. “Sometimes I think I should just walk away, hook up with a guy my own age, and try to forget all about him.”
“You won’t,” she tells me knowingly. “Remember when I tried to make it work with David? I’d convinced myself that he was better for me, but I couldn’t get Aiden out of my mind. The heart wants what it wants.”
“Oh, great.” I laugh. “Now you’re quoting pop songs.”
“Hey, people have been saying that forever,” she counters, “because it’s true.”
I know my wise older sister is right. I’ll never be able to forget him, no matter how many guys I hook up with. I’m caught, and there’s no escape. I have to face this head-on and just hope that I don’t get destroyed.