Christian and Patsy greeted Gavin and Sophie warmly, ushering them into their home and offering them food and drink before they even set down their bags.
Upon seeing the gentle waves of the ocean spreading out over pale sand, Sophie longed to go for a swim and the others agreed with the suggestion.
The men quickly changed into their swim trunks and were left waiting for the women. They were a study in contrasts as they stood together in the living area, looking out at the mild surf. At six-foot-four, Christian towered six inches over Gavin. Christian’s closely buzzed white blonde hair and tanned skin was the opposite to Gavin’s thick brown hair and pale Irish skin.
“So,” Christian said, “good onya for convincing her to come here.”
“Thanks. I appreciate the invite.”
“How are things?”
“I think it’s a done deal.”
“What makes you say so?”
“She’s here with me, isn’t she?”
“Gavin, don’t be a cocky bastard. You know you need to earn her back, right?”
“Yes, Da. I know, Da.”
Christian slapped him on the ear.
“Fuck’s sake, Hale!” Gavin rubbed his ear and glared at him.
“You hear me?”
“I was just taking the piss, you know.”
“Here’s the thing. I don’t know for sure, but I can guess at what happened. You better forgive her and let yourself be forgiven right back.”
“We’re working on it, man. Give us a chance.”
Christian wrapped his arm around Gavin’s shoulders and squeezed him in a bone-crushing half hug. “I think of you like my little brother, mate. I want to make sure you’re getting the right advice.”
“I get it. Stop fucking hitting me, okay?” he said with a laugh.
~
The afternoon surf was mild and Sophie floated in the warm salt water, happily watching Christian and Patsy as they playfully attempted to dunk each other. She had always admired their relationship. They were obviously great friends and took the time to play and flirt with each other.
All she could see of Gavin now was his feet as he did a handstand in the water. The moment struck her as surreal. She sensed that if she allowed herself, she could easily slip back into her old life with Gavin. That life had given her so much passion and so many thrills. And love. There had been genuine love with them. And then it had morphed into her feeling alone in their marriage as Gavin alternated between taking his angst out on her and shutting her out as he sank deeper into depression and cocaine.
She shook her head to try to rid herself of the sick feeling these memories brought forth. Sprawling out on her back and floating, her thoughts returned to the root cause of their troubles. Gavin had been plagued by his mother’s absence ever since she had met him, and understandably so. But he had for years played coy about her to the press, simply saying he had “lost” his mother after a bad auto accident when he was seven years old. He never once volunteered that she had abandoned her family. He had become the singer of the biggest band of the last twenty years in large part so that he could solicit the attention of that one person. And yet she had stayed away.
The wound he carried since childhood was what had drawn Sophie to him in the beginning. And as their relationship progressed over the years, it was what made her dedicate herself to him for better or worse. Until, that is, she had reached her own breaking point and leaned on Conor in Gavin’s near total absence. Conor, who had carried some kind of torch for her almost as long as Gavin had. He had toyed with her early on, as if testing her loyalty to his friend. Then it turned into something more intentional, as he let her know he wanted her. He had tried to play off his attraction to her as base sexual desire but there was more to it. She had forced herself into a state of denial for years over the fact that he had fallen deeply and irretrievably in love with her. At the same time they had begun to develop a genuine friendship. He came to know her better than most—even better than Gavin did in that last bad period. And she knew him in return. She knew him to be an inherently good, caring person. They shared interests in art, literature, and travel. And then there was their mutual attraction. In another life, she would have happily been with him. Because she loved him, even as she knew that Gavin would always own her heart.
Something grazed her hand in the water and then pulled on her. She startled, splashing and struggling for a moment to catch her breath.
“Darlin’,” Gavin said, “it’s okay. It’s only me.” He pulled her inland so they were in water shallow enough to stand.
“You scared me!”
“I was afraid you were going to float off the ends of the earth there. You were in your own world.”
She looked over and saw that Christian and Patsy were sitting together on the sand, watching them. After a deep breath, she relaxed and looked at Gavin.
“What were you thinking about?”
She hesitated. “This. Us. Being here. It doesn’t feel real.”
He wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her to him. “Feel my arms around you. This is real.”
“Is it?” she whispered, looking into his eyes.
“Yes. Yes, it is, darlin’.”
She nodded and then started to pull away from him. “I’m going to sit in the sun a little bit.”
“Wait a second,” he said, reaching out to her as she turned away.
Sophie slipped from his grasp and adjusted her bikini bottoms as she moved toward the shore.
CHAPTER THIRTY
“This has been an amazing holiday,” Conor said.
He and Colette were seated at a small table at the hotel restaurant overlooking an intensely romantic vista of the sea and hillside. The whitewashed homes dotting the landscape were accented by the occasional colored rooftop, shutters, and cascading bougainvillea. The sun had disappeared into the sea and the lights of the homes were just beginning to turn on in the twilight. It was their last night before returning to Dublin.
“I know. I wish we could stay,” she said wistfully.
“We’ll be back, honey.”
“I’m not looking forward to being back in the rain and gloom of Ireland.”
“No?” he asked and took a drink of ouzo. He had taken a liking to the strong anise-flavored liquor, though he had quickly learned to be careful to sip it slowly because of its high-alcohol content.
“What about going back to our old plan of you moving to New York for most of the time?” She rubbed her foot against his leg under the table and smiled sweetly.
“Colette, we talked about all this when you said we should get a new place in Dublin. Now, I’ve bought this amazing house that you’re fixing up, and you want to abandon it?”
She laughed. “So dramatic, Conor. No one is abandoning anything.”
“Anyway, we’re going to be on tour in another couple months’ time. You’ll be working too, right?” he asked and she nodded. “It’ll be a while before we can settle anywhere.”
“I suppose so.”
He watched the disappointment fall over her face. “Listen, I know it’s not a great way for us to start things off, but we’ll make the best of it. You’ll join us on tour whenever you can, won’t you?”
“Yes, I’ll be your groupie,” she said, and he smiled. “Since apparently, I’m not to be your wife before the tour starts.”
“There’s too much going on, honey. You know that. With the media, the tour prep, and the house . . . I don’t want to rush this.”
“Just know that you’re breaking your promise to me,” she said.
“It’s a delay, Colette. Not a broken promise. We never had a date set anyway. But I am sorry you’re disappointed.”
“Don’t let it happen again.”
Conor was taken aback by the admonishment. She was clearly furious with him despite what he deemed sound reasoning for the delay.
Instead of allowing her to own this sense of entitlement, he decided to change the subject. “Hey
, what do you want to bet Celia is pregnant again before the tour?” he asked with a grin.
“Oh, God, I hope not. That would be four kids!”
It dawned on him at this inconvenient stage in their relationship that they had never spoken of having a family of their own. He had simply assumed it would happen somewhere along the line.
“Colette, do you want kids?” he asked.
“Uh, yeah. You know, in the future,” she said without conviction.
“That’s, em . . . .” he trailed off and took a large swig of his ouzo as he tried to grasp the situation he was finding himself in with her.
“Don’t panic, mon cher!” she said with a laugh. “It’ll happen but not for a while. I don’t want to ruin my body while I’m just getting to where I want to be with modeling.”
He was still caught on the notion that she viewed having a baby as ruining her body when she added, “And I definitely have to get the cover of Sports Illustrated next year. There’s no way that Sophie should have had it this time. So, I’ve got more I want to do before any babies come along.”
“Good to know,” he said and looked out at the deepening blue of the ocean as the stars began to shine in the sky. He couldn’t help but feel this was some sort of tit-for-tat she was employing in response to his delaying the wedding. And he wondered at the kind of person who would play games with these kinds of issues.
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
Dinner was raucous that night as the two couples barbequed and drank on the ocean-view deck while telling stories. Christian goaded Gavin into telling the girls about the night their bands were partying after a concert in Germany and had all gotten so drunk that they ended up in a transvestite bar. They had enjoyed themselves for hours before realizing that the heavily made up women were really men.
“I’m actually not that surprised. Some of those men can really pull it off,” Sophie said.
“But, Sophie, tell me more about how you’ve been.” Patsy said. “How’s your modeling going? We saw the Sports Illustrated cover. That was a big deal!”
Sophie nodded and glanced at Gavin. “It was. Even bigger than the first time around. I was hounded to do a reality show. They wanted me to be a mentor and judge to these young girls trying to break through in modeling but at the same time they wanted to follow me around in my everyday life.”
“Are you going to do it?” Christian asked.
“Oh no,” Sophie said with a shake of her head. “That’s exactly what I don’t want. Once you go down that road you are basically looking for celebrity for celebrity’s sake. That’s not me.”
“You already have celebrity, anyway,” Patsy said.
“Of a kind, yes,” she said. “The thing is, I’ve established a style with modeling. I’m doing more artistic, less commercial work—like the one I just did for Australia Vogue. Which interests me but also makes sense since I’m practically ancient in this industry.”
“Oh please. You are the most beautiful woman I know,” Patsy said. “Really, you are so beautiful.”
Sophie laughed at her drunk friend’s effusive compliments and caught Gavin’s eye. He was looking at her with almost the same sort of appreciation as Patsy was.
“Okay, I’m taking this one to bed,” Christian said, getting up.
“No, I’m not drunk,” she insisted.
“You are indeed. And lucky for me, isn’t it?” he asked with a laugh.
Patsy got up then and threw her arm around her husband’s neck dramatically. “Okay, then take me away and do naughty things to me.”
“Don’t have to ask me twice,” he murmured, sweeping her legs up as he pulled her into his arms and carried her away.
“They are so cute,” Sophie said, once they had gone. She got up and went to the deck railing, leaning against it as she watched the surf ebb and flow.
Gavin joined her and they stood together.
“You had talked about quitting modeling not so long ago,” he said carefully.
She smiled. “That was back when I thought I could save you from yourself, if only I could be with you more.”
“I know you tried. You wore yourself out trying to help me.”
“What else was I going to do?” she asked with a shrug.
“I’m sorry about that.”
She turned to him just as she heard Patsy screaming playfully from inside the house and she couldn’t help but laugh. “No more apologies, okay? We’re done with that.”
“But, I–”
“Let’s give them some privacy,” she said. She took him by the hand and led him down the deck stairs and along the vegetation-lined path toward the beach.
They reached the water’s edge and stood for a moment in silence. The remote location of this beach meant the sky above them was a spectacular display of unfiltered stars. Sophie had the urge to lie back in the cool sand and hunt for constellations. But then she realized she and Conor had done that very thing in this same location many years ago when he was first making it clear he desired her, and she lost the sudden interest in repeating the exercise.
“So, you must see Colette now and again,” Gavin said.
“Yeah. We keep to ourselves, though.” She was glad to have a new train of thought, even if that meant focusing on Colette, the friend she had betrayed.
“Conor’s been back with her for a couple months now. Can’t say she and I are the best of friends, but if it’s what he wants there’s not much to do.” He kicked off his flip flops and stepped closer to the water.
Sophie had her doubts about Conor and Colette’s reunion but she knew better than to say anything to Gavin. While she had seen that Conor enjoyed Colette, it had never appeared to be a deep relationship, so this on and off again engagement pattern didn’t strike her as having substance.
“It was a weird thing to make that album with him, you know?” Gavin continued.
“I bet it was for him too,” she said.
“How do you mean?”
She had made the comment reflexively, not meaning to get into a talk about Conor. But since she had, she continued, “I was thinking the lyrics he sings backup on are probably pretty punishing.”
“Punishing? If singing my words is his punishment then he’s come out of this pretty fucking well, hasn’t he?”
“Gavin, he damaged your friendship, your partnership in making music. That’s not coming out well.”
He dug his toes into the sand and was quiet for a moment. “He knows what’s been done can’t be undone. Anyway, I needed the freedom to express myself without him trying to shape it this time. I deserved that.”
She had no doubt he had purposely withdrawn himself from Conor in this way as a form of payback. But he wouldn’t want to admit to this bit of calculation.
“Sounds like you got what you wanted, then.”
When he looked at her with a pained expression she wished she could take back her inartful last words.
“No, I didn’t get what I wanted. I didn’t want any of this.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“Fuck,” he said in a half-moan as he covered his face with his hands briefly. ”I’ve tried so hard to let it go. To move forward so Rogue can continue.”
She turned to him. “Have you forgiven him?”
He started to reply and then stopped. “Part of me has,” he admitted.
“Same with me, then?” She shook her head. “I can’t live a life with you like that.”
“No, Sophie. It’s not the same with you. I meant it when I said I understood why you fell for him. But knowing that he was in love with you for almost as long as I’ve been is such a betrayal.” He ran his hands through his short hair and eyed her. “You know, I always had him up on a pedestal. Thought he had everything I wanted. Turns out he wanted what I had.” He paused. “He slept with you wanting it to mean something, wanting to take you from me.”
“If it helps any, he never once asked me to leave you for him. It was never like that.”
; “I decided quite a while ago that I never wanted to know what it was really like between the two of you. I can’t deal with that.”
“I’m sorry, Gavin,” she said.
“No apologies, right?” he replied. “It’s in the past. And the best thing about the past is that with time it fades away until it’s just a trace memory.”
Her heart ached at this characterization. Because if they couldn’t somehow find their way back together, that is how he would look upon their relationship.
“Conor, he’s still my best friend,” he continued. “If I had to, I’d trust him with my life.”
Sophie nodded.
“And you, Sophie. I’d trust him with you.”
She looked at him and then turned her eyes to the whitewash of the water as the waves broke. This declaration came off to her as what he wished more than what he believed.
“I haven’t talked to him in such a long time,” she said absently.
“You can blame me for that. I made him make a choice. If we were to go on as a band, I needed him to choose me over you.”
“And he did. Choose you.”
He studied her for a moment. “Did that add to everything, cause you even more pain?”
“Honestly? I missed his friendship. That was a real loss for me.”
“I’m—” He stopped himself from apologizing yet again. “I regret that you lost his friendship. I see how important it was to you.”
She shrugged without conviction.
“It’s okay, darlin’. I know he meant something to you. I know there was love there.”
“Gavin, don’t—”
“Please,” he said softly.
The tortured note in his voice was enough for her to understand his thought process. It was draining enough to acknowledge that his wife had fallen in love with another man, he didn’t want to have to elaborate on the details of it. She met his eyes and he nodded slightly, assuring her. After a moment, she drew a deep breath and took his hand into hers. Then she rested her head against his shoulder with a cleansing sigh.
He put his arms around her and held her tightly, taking in the clean fragrance of her hair. They stood there, silent, for a while, as the tepid water soaked their bare feet.
Playing At Love: A Rogue Series Novel Page 14